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gspliffington
Reviews
Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)
Uttter Bunkum!
I was eight years old when my uncle Farquhar forced me to watch the original movie. He said it would toughen me up, when it actually made me soil my bed for two years straight. So much so, my nanny resigned due to the smell alone. Blast! Anyhoots, the original was scary due to its realism, the genuine helplessness of the teens and that it was easy to imagine one could quite easily end up in the situation depicted. If you've ever been to Hull or Chicago, you'll know what I mean. This movie however, fails to evoke any of the originals strengths and dilutes the movie into a woke cesspool of foolery. Leather Face has been transformed into a Jason from Friday 13th clone, the teens are a bunch of soy latte drinking swamp donkeys you'll not care about as they're being butchered and the old fart who turns up to kill Leather Face has the intelligence of a squashed grape. I was so disappointed at this pile of trash, I kicked my butler down three flights of stairs and kicked him square in the plums. The original is a classic car, this on the other hand is a urine soaked hat. Poop!
The Rescue (2021)
Huzzah!
Ruddy hell fire! As an avid documentary fan, I was eager to watch 'The Rescue' and must say, it is utterly enthralling, saddening and spiritually uplifting in equal measure. Having been born with a royal spoon up my backside, I have become terribly lazy, yet after watching this masterpiece, I gave my butler the night off and allowed him to turn the heating on in his quarters. All in all, an inspiring documentary that above all else, highlights the fact that we are all one. Super!
Deadlock (2021)
Utter Nonsense!
I used to like this Willis chap many moons ago. He made movies that fired up my testosterone levels to the point I would roll over my kitchen table and shoot imaginary terrorists just before making a sandwich. Alas, those days are gone now and what we are left with is an old haggard looking man, just about delivering his lines and possibly trying not to soil himself. Over the last few years, I have given him chance after chance and feel let down every time, what a way to ruin one's legacy. This is another run of the mill 'action' movie that isn't worth your time. I was so upset, I decided to wire my butlers door handle to the electric mains just to brighten up my day. Blast and double blast!
Halloween Kills (2021)
Utter Nonsense!
Blast and double blast! If I were able to sue the producer for wasting my time, I surely would as this movie stank like a tramps urine soaked underpants. Thankfully, my butler was close at hand so I took out my frustration by punching him square on the jaw. The director didn't appear to know if he wanted to grace us with a comedy, a drama or a gore fest and failed miserably on all counts. If you value some semblance of acting, suspense, storyline or decent horror style deaths, I'd give this joke of a 'movie' a miss and take your side piece out for a bucket of chicken followed by a back scuttle before returning home. Ghastly!