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Reviews
Dazed and Confused (1993)
A teen comedy done right!
This is essentially a stoner teen comedy on the surface, but Dazed and Confused has a lot more to offer than just teens doing dumb things like most other comedies of this nature.
It's charming, raunchy, heartfelt, and it's very funny.
Despite focusing on several characters at once, the film is good at balancing out each of their stories and making them relatable. There are certain characters that are more one-dimensional, like some of the bullies, but they don't overstay their welcome and they get a good amount of laughs as well.
The seniors, juniors, and even middle school kids are all going through major changes in their lives. These are relatable dilemmas that don't feel tagged-on or overly sentimental. They let it play out naturally and I really appreciate this film for handling it in a realistic, albeit mostly humorous way.
I think that not having Led Zeppelin's Dazed and Confused play at the end of the film was a missed opportunity, but that's only a nitpick. This movie is still great!
Christmas with the Kranks (2004)
Kranks
The main couple make a choice to not celebrate Christmas and it's meant with relentless hostility. It doesn't help that they are jerks to pretty much everyone. So, you'd think that it's the neighbors we're supposed to be rooting for. But instead, they harass the main characters and use peer pressure to get what they want from them.
Here's the thing: traditions, especially during the holidays, are wonderful and they can bring people together. But that is not the core value of why we celebrate during this time of year.
The thing is: sometimes people obsess over things that aren't that important or try something new when they probably should have left good enough alone. This movie could have easily taken a funny, satirical approach to why traditions don't always work. But instead, it says "force people into your own traditions, even when they don't want it."
It's a mean, lazy, and sometimes uncomfortable holiday film that is guaranteed to put me in bad mood.
Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)
Very unpleasant
Let me start out by saying raunchy high school movies CAN be funny. However, this movie is not a good example. It's very distasteful and it fails to be realistic when it's trying to be. It never delivers with its high school characters because they're either blank slates or stereotypes (and their parents are never around for some reason).
The main girl is encouraged by her best friend to sleep with any guy she's infatuated with. There's her senior brother who is bouncing around jobs and has personal issues that are never explored. There's the two friends, one's cool and the other is awkward. And there's the stoner stereotype who is probably the only entertaining part of the movie.
There are too many people to keep track of and there's no clever writing to support them as relatable high school kids. The film becomes more mean spirited later when the main girl has to go through an abortion. Who honestly thinks this is great material?
I would rather put on Animal House or Caddyshack than this because at least those movies had good jokes. This obviously had a following with teens around the time, but it either hasn't aged well or it was never good to begin with.
Floquet de Neu (2010)
This has nothing to do with the real gorilla!
Snowflake was a local celebrity in the Barcelona Zoo and he was really fascinating from a biology point of view! So why did some cheap animation company decide to capitalize on it and give it a confusing message about race?!?
Seriously! This has nothing to do with the real Snowflake apart from the title! Why did all these American actors decide this was a good career move?? Why are there live action actors when the animation wouldn't even make the cut for an Alvin and the Chipmunks movie??? The awful dubbing, writing, animation, and the disrespect for the real animal is abysmal! I can't believe this movie's existence!
The Mistle-Tones (2012)
Over-the-top corny fun
This movie is so ridiculous it's kind of amazing. I'm glad that it doesn't take itself too seriously and just has fun with its premise. The songs are hummable renditions of classic Christmas songs which makes it entertaining throughout.
There's no subtlety to any of the performances and we of course have the pompous "mean girl" at the forefront. The main couple is charming in their own right too, despite the guy not covering his accent very well.
Of course it's predictable with poor writing, but it's also kind of self aware of it. It's super silly and it knows it. Also, Carl Winslow is in it! What else can you ask for?
Blood and Bone (2009)
A Pleasant Surprise
When I saw the pictures on Netflix, it looked like a low budget action movie, which isn't a bad thing. But when I saw that it was from 2009, I thought there was going to be a lot of weird close up shots and shakey cam like every other movie from that year. So I lowered my expectations and, surprisingly, there was hardly any of that. What a breath of fresh air!
A lot of action movies in the 2000s tried to be like the Jason Bourne movies and it became such a tired gimmick. But when you have a legit martial artist like Michael Jai White, it helps when the director decides to shoot the fight scenes in their full form.
The story and characters are pretty standard and the performances are not that great. Except for Dante Basco, who's easily the best part of the movie. I loved his charisma and how he owned every scene he was in.
However, the villain is pretty boring. He tends to monologue a lot and that doesn't make a villain interesting. I think the filmmakers may have liked the side villains more, because they were all entertaining in their own way!
Do I wish Gina Carano and Matt Mullins had more screen time? Absolutely! But the focus of the movie is where it should have been. For a direct to video, low budget action movie, it was a fun ride!
Willy's Wonderland (2021)
Nic Cage Must Not Be Silent!
Nicolas Cage seemed really out of his element here. He's just not himself when he doesn't get to play a loud and eccentric person. This is more of a role for Robert Patrick or Mark Calaway. The dark, silent, loner type just isn't the Cage Man.
So with that said, the rest of this movie has that low budget, rushed production quality to it. But it doesn't try to be creative or unique with its scenarios.
This is a good example of how NOT to shoot action scenes with a small budget. Terrible strobe lights to hide the bad effects. Constant shakey camera angles and lense flares. It's just seizure inducing. The animatronics all get killed pretty much the same way. There's little to no variation!
There's not a single likable character. It's no secret that all the teens are only there to make bone headed choices and get killed off one by one. I can't think of any character or performance that stood out. Whenever someone tells a back story it never sounds like a natural conversation. It sounds like poorly written exposition.
It's like it wants to be a fun campy horror movie but it doesn't know how to execute it. It usually comes across as too dark and serious. If it embraced the silliness more, had more clever deaths to the animatronics/people, or even had a few cheesy one-liners, it could have been more entertaining.
It's not Killer Klowns from Outer Space.
Love at the Christmas Table (2012)
Formulaic with No Charm
One of the most essential aspects of a tv Christmas romance is if the two leads have chemistry with each other, which in this movie they didn't. In fact, their whole relationship was toxic throughout the entire film. They only see each other once a year (over the span of 12 years), they constantly fight (which is supposed to make them charming), and they find petty excuses for why they can't be together. They don't really mature over the course of the movie and they never communicate with each other like adults. They literally act like teenagers throughout, especially Danica's character.
The supposed awkwardness of the comedy also fell flat. Most of it is centered around the characters trembling over their words and the girl punching the guy. There were some confusing editing choices in certain parts like that one snow ball fight scene.
In the last third, the two leads say a bunch of mean, hurtful things towards each other. This is supposed to be the big dramatic scene because the plot demands that they break up before they confess their "love." Then, jump forward a few years later and the guy proposes to her all because he rekindles their childhood memories. None of it felt justified or earned. The movie even ends pretty abruptly.
Lifetime and Hallmark movies are formulaic and predictable, but some of them can have a sweet, goofy, charm to them. This one just didn't have any of that. It could even be pretty slow and mean spirited at times. If you want to feel the joy of the holiday season, just skip this flick.
Love Hard (2021)
This movie ruined my favorite Meatloaf song!
Despite that karaoke scene being unintentionally disturbing, this is a very dumb Christmas rom-com. You know exactly what the message is going to be from the first few minutes. The main character is so niave and cringeworthy, it hurts. It doesn't help either that the main actress didn't seem invested in anything.
Netflix, stop making your Christmas rom-com characters so clueless and stupid!
Superstore: Quinceañera (2019)
Jonah is unbearable!
If you didn't like Jonah from the past few seasons, then you'll absolutely despise him here. I couldn't count how many times I've figuratively face-palmed myself because of his antics and stupidity. This takes the cake of the most cringeworthy episode, but not it a funny way. It really makes you wonder why Amy gave in to Jonah's "charm" at all. Does she really want to punish herself this much after her previous relationship?
Even the side characters weren't that funny here, and they're usually the funniest part of the show. Much like The Office, it seems like the characters have gotten even more stupid as this show has progressed. They don't even seem like real people any more. Just stick with the first couple seasons.
Hannah Montana (2006)
The Reason Why People Hate This Show
If you were a little kid and grew up with this show, I get that. The nostalgic value is there and that's totally understandable. But for everyone else, this show was an annoyance.
The main characters were obnoxious and poorly acted even for a Disney Channel show. The side characters were even more annoying especially the "on and off again" boyfriend. There wasn't one joke that made me laugh and I'm sure a lot of parents felt the same way when they watched this when it came out.
Kids at school would not stop quoting things from this show! On top of that, it teaches girls to be self-absorbed and manipulative because that is exactly what Miley's character was. I even saw some kids attitudes change when it came to interacting with other kids or their parents.
The idea that a parent would let their kid live a double life as a pop star and a regular teen is psychologically damaging. The show never addresses this issue and it is a big problem, especially with knowing how Miley Cyrus's career turned out afterwards.
Even as far as innocent kid shows go, this doesn't have anything of value to offer kids. In fact, I'd argue that it makes them dumber and more bratty.
The execution and idea behind the show is what most people really hate including myself. It really only appeals to people who have nostalgia for it or for those who enjoy obnoxious, childish humor.
A Cinderella Story: Once Upon a Song (2011)
What can I say?
It's another "modern" Cinderella story that becomes more and more dated every passing year. If you've seen one, you've seen them all.
Shake It Up (2010)
I'm surprised that Zendaya had a career after this
The only thing that really appeals to kids in this show is the dancing. Other than that, it's just obnoxious teens being obnoxious teens.
The two leads are squealing teenage girls who get into shenanigans. It's stuff that you see all the time in these kind of shows but little kids will eat it up. The funny thing is how much this show builds the girls up like they're the most amazing street dancers in the world. It's unintentionally funny in that respect.
There's this annoying brother and sister duo who always try to steal the spotlight from them. The brother has a German accent, but the sister sounds like she's doing a Russian accent. Did they have any dialect coaches on this show?
Like a lot of people have pointed out, this was during the downfall of Disney Channel and I can definitely see why. It's not the kind of show that kids and adults can enjoy together. There are plenty of other great kid shows out there. If you want to see how Zendaya got her start in the entertainment industry, I guess that's the only reason to check it out.
African Cats (2010)
Beautiful Nature Documentary for Families
How is it that the colors, cinematography, landscapes, and emotional moments significantly better in this than the Lion King remake?
And, yes, the cinematography and atmosphere of the African plains were wonderful in this movie! It might not be on the same level as Planet Earth or Our Planet, but it was still a marvel to look at. It is clearly geared more towards kids, but I'm glad that it never really talks down to the to them in any way.
Usually when Disney makes these nature movies, they'll get a celebrity voice that's distracting and doesn't match the tone of the film. However, Sam Jackson's narration fit perfectly. His voice was very enthusiastic and passionate throughout the stories of the cats.
I'm a big cat lover and this documentary was a real delight for me and my siblings.
This Is Us: The Adirondacks (2021)
A Stupid Twist with No Impact
This episode had some nice moments like with showing Jack and Rebecca reenact their wedding with their kids. Also, Rebecca confronting Randall about her guilt for keeping the things she knew about his birth parents from him. But it's hard to talk about this episode without addressing the poor decisions the writers made.
Madison's character arc this season was terrible. How many times do we have to see this kind of story? Kevin shouldn't have slept with her in the first place, because we knew how it would all play out: She's going to catch feelings for him, Kevin's going to be excited about becoming a father and starting a family, they're relationship is going to come crashing down but it's okay because she discovered more about herself? They have a responsibility of taking care of two kids! I'm sorry but that shows a lot more courage than just breaking off their wedding, that their family spent thousands of dollars on, just to say that you found yourself.
Kevin has always been the toxic one in his relationships and the "relationship" he had with Madison was no exception. I have no sympathy for him anymore.
Kate has been one the most annoying, pretentious, unsatisfied, whining people of this whole show. She has always been a quitter. Because she and Toby couldn't work out their relationship makes her weak of character. Yes they've hinted a few times that their marriage might not last, but they usually found a way to work through their problems. The fact that they didn't and Kate marries someone else in only a few years, shows that the writers are running low on twists and turns. Who's ultimately going to suffer for their divorce? Their blind son and their adopted daughter.
Kate is not strong or admirable like what the media proudly proclaims her as.
I'm just hoping the last season will be more satisfying than this finale.
Tarzan (1999)
Wish Disney did more movies like this!
The animation in this movie is top notch! One of Disney's best thanks to the deep canvas techniques that they used. It really makes the jungle environment come alive and it's so awesome to see how Tarzan glides through the trees!
Even though it differs from the original story (kind of typical for Disney), it still tells its own version really well. The songs really elevate it with the beginning song and Son of Man being the highlights. The other songs feel like they should have been sung by the characters or maybe in their heads, but that's only a nit pick.
Most of the characters are very likable especially Jane and her father. Clayton is kind of a boring villain, kind of in the same league as the villain from Pocahontas. I think either the leopard or Kerchak would have been better as the main villain.
This movie still holds a special place in my heart and I still admire it all these years later!
He's Just Not That Into You (2009)
Get every hot white actor in Hollywood, that'll make the movie sell!
This movie thinks its saying something profound by dumbing you down to its level. Every character in this movie is just an archetype of their environment.
It thinks it's saying something new and challenging about male/female interaction, but really most of it is just common sense or just down right insulting. Generalization of men and women is a common misconception in our world, but the film does not take the chance to challenge it because it's so wrapped up in its stereotypes and cliches that have been reused over and over:
Men don't like marriage and have commitment issues, women follow their heart and gossip to each other. It's so tired and flat and I'm sick of these kinds of people in movies because there is nothing else to them!
The filmmakers don't understand what made certain characters or plot lines work in other romantic movies. You can't have an "in depth character study" if you have a dozen main characters to focus on and not one of them likable! It's not a philosophical drama rom-com that it so proudly claims to be, its a soap opera with a budget!
School of Rock (2016)
Why did they let this happen?
This could have been a great opportunity to introduce a new generation of kids to rock and roll. But nope, they just used some pop songs that kids already recognize and didn't do anything clever with them.
It sounds like the makers of this show don't even know what rock and roll is. If they do, they probably think "we can't have kids being exposed to anything that's the least bit offensive or intimidating anymore."
I really wish this show had taken more chances and not played it too safe, which is probably why it didn't last long and had a mostly negative reception.
The Lorax (2012)
Pandering, pandering, and more pandering
The Once-ler's transition happens way too fast and is all crammed into an upbeat pop song. And the fact that they showed his face tells me that the filmmakers completely missed the intention of the book.
The ending is all messed up and has no impact, unlike the ambiguous ending of the original. The song at the end when the whole town joins the boy to plant the tree takes almost no convincing. Their transition feels too forced. That's how these songs work, they never feel justified and come out of nowhere. Then with the Lorax coming back? How does that make the story resonate at all?
Sure there is a lot of fluff out there that kids can easily watch and enjoy. There's no harm in that. But the fact that this movie is based on a meaningful, classic source, it just comes across as insulting. This movie's goal was to pander to the mainstream audience instead of bringing a timeless tale to life. The truth of the story is completely covered by this movie's extremist approach.
No matter what Hollywood tries to do with these stories, people are always going to return to the books of Dr. Seuss. His works have stood the test of time, unlike this one that will eventually fade away like it did before.
The Cheetah Girls (2003)
THE Most Annoying Disney Channel Movie
This is basically Disney's version of the Jem and the Holograms movie in terms of shameless, advertising sellouts. And it's on the same level of quality.
They didn't make this in order to tell an enjoyable or imaginative story. It was merely to promote the band. But it gets so wrapped up in its self importance, that literally everything feels phony. It thinks it's so important by saying "it's bad that big corporations are selling out," when this movie, in and of itself, is a corporate sell out! It's proof of that, being a product of one of the biggest companies in the world: Disney.
None of the characters are likable. When they're not singing, these main characters do nothing but squeal and obnoxiously shout catchphrases to each other. Unless there needs to be a forced moment when we're supposed to sympathize with them. Also, Raven becomes such a narcissist for no reason.
You can see and feel Disney's corporate gloved hand-prints all over this product. And that's all it is:
a product... and an annoying one at that.
Beauty and the Beast (2017)
Disney's Hidden Agenda
Disney has been using these remakes as a means to "make up" for some of the things they've been criticized for with their princess characters of the past. But reforming them into these empowered, flawless mannequins without any personality or clear motivation is becoming an even bigger problem than they realize.
In the original, Belle kept to herself and didn't conform, despite everyone judging her for it. This movie, they turned her into a stone-faced, genius inventor who wants to "change the world," all while looking bored and singing like a robot. She doesn't seem to be fazed or invested by anything going on around her. Nothing feels genuine about her or anything else in this movie.
They stretched out things only to make the movie longer than it needs to be. They created more plot holes and didn't add anything to make it stand apart from the original because Disney just wants to spoon feed its audience the exact same thing over and over. And giving us new versions of characters who butcher the reasons why we fell in love with them in the first place.
In the original, every note, every choice, every moment is where it needs to be.
This is almost line for line the original movie just without the personality, emotion, artistry, or anything that made Beauty and the Beast a classic.
North Shore (1987)
So bad it's good!
For me, this is a so bad it's good movie.
Yes, the writing is poor, the story is predictable, and the editing is noticeably lazy. But I ironically find it amusing at how incompetent it can be!
The acting is sometimes so awkward and unnatural, I can't help but laugh. It's definitely not for everyone, but it was that special kind of bad for me.