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Reviews
Brick Mansions (2014)
Brian O'Conner Prequel Just Hits Different
Finally the prequel the Fast Franchise has been asking for delivered just in time!
The story takes place in the years before Brian ever meets Dominic Torreto. The back story of Brian O'Conner, played by Paul Wanker, is explored in this gripping drama. Fighting crime and kicking bad guy butthole as an under cover cop! What is not to love? The Fast and Furious Franchise delivers again!
Never turn your back on family/10.
Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021)
That's going to be a 1 for me dawg
I love space. I also love jamming. Much to my surprise this movie's title left me wanting more. The main character, Lebanon James, was, to put it mildly, a terrible actor. I think if he took his talents to south beach he could potentially have a basketball career. But Miami will always be D Wade's house, big ups to my man D Wade.
Are you really surprised/10.
Expedition Overland (2013)
Cosplay in the woods
I struggle to watch this series even though I dig the whole scene. The narration has this unnatural annunciation that drives me nuts.
The self appointed "leader" is on a power trip over the rest of the cast. Acts like he is running a military operation while he lords over everyone. When in reality, it's a glorified road trip. Just strikes me as a little try hard. Feels like a little cosplay exercise pretending that a vacation is a "mission" ... lol, get over it.
Cosplay/10.
Cosmic Sin (2021)
LoFL. Oh how the mighty have fallen
Bruce, buddy, as a friend... I'm telling you to pull yourself together big guy. You're better than this, you see that don't you? You see that, right? Bruce? BRUUUCCEE!!
Omg it's so bad though/10.
Gunpowder Milkshake (2021)
Previous review was deleted for no reason...
I will not be silenced!! This movie is a shameless rip off of my big homie, John Wick! But not as good. They replace everyone with women and then substituted the dog with a small child. I said what I said.
Jolt (2021)
Posh Spice is that you?
Posh Spice is back in the game.
Kicking ass and taking names.
She doesn't care who is to blame.
She is ruthless with no shame.
Still got it though/10.
Hot Rod (2007)
Nope
Not trying to be a d bag, but I didn't lol once. I was however left feeling the cringe of a bunch of try hard over acting. Bottom of the barrel. It's like the end of a party and you go mine sweeping for some strange and you end up getting yourself into something you almost instantly regret.
Dumb/10.
America: The Motion Picture (2021)
I am 12 years old and what is this?
So are we just going to ignore the fact that GDub was clearly taking juice for this role yet Roger "The Rocket" Clemens, winner of 7 Cy Young awards, and Barry "Big Bambino" Bonds, all time HR leader, can't get a hall of fame vote? Y'all must be tripping. The hypocrisy.
The Tomorrow War (2021)
A real swift kick in the goodies
A future draft? Aliens? JK Simmons on PEDs?
If you're looking for all of the above... then you've come to the right place.
A gripping story that covers every possible plot hole imaginable. All delivered with a fantastic final few scenes that really doesn't feel like the writers gave up at all. Finishing strong is what this movie is all about. Giving it your best effort as you cross the finish line. I think this movie was produced with the sole purpose of not letting the viewers down at the end. Imagine running a marathon only to suffer a total lose of body function as you approach the finish line. Woof, that would certainly be tragic... wouldn't it...
Really stuck the landing/10.
Zach Stone Is Gonna Be Famous (2013)
MuSiC TeLiViSiOn... O_o Should have renewed
A delightful documentary of the classic coming of age tale in the modern digital world. The stars aligned, it's happening. Zachery Stone is making his way down town, walking fast as the faces pass. He's homebound.
MTV just stuck their hards in a family size jug of original Country Crock imitation butter spread and let this gem slip through their fat sausage fingers. But for MTV to have the foresight to recognize a future classic would be so off brand. The same channel that brings you Real World vs Road Rules found their niche already. That niche is making trash garbage television and then hitting the recycle button for the next 20 years. I said what I said.
This show deserves better than MTV/10.
Godzilla vs. Kong (2021)
Dig a little deeper
Princess Kong vs. DevineLightZilla. A true visual epic and a showdown for the ages. This collision course clash clearly continues collecting celebration. More than just a clash of tiny titans, but a scam set up by Big construction to turn a profit in the aftermath?
You decide/10.
The King (2019)
A solid comedy for anyone to enjoy
The stage is set for an epic show down. Little Timmy at the ripe age of 14, or whatever, is set to battle some dude who is like 30 and has a solid 50lbs on little Tim. But can little Tim Cam use his chicken wing arms to fly and defend his family's honor?
Little Tin Can/10.
Kill the Irishman (2011)
Val Kilmer is back and better than ever!
Val Kilmer is once again on the highway to the danger zone in this gritty mob flick. Val works as a maverick agent who enforces the law buy his own rules. He has ice water running through his veins and the Iceman is giving it his best. Can he pilot the city of Cleveland to safety?
Cold as ice/10.
Bo Burnham: Make Happy (2016)
More than just standup and singing
I rewatched this after the release of, Inside, and I have to say - The lyrics to the finale was "Mr. Burnham" (what.) (See what I did there?) opening up about his mental struggle with stage anxiety. But, without any previous context its hard to truly understand or appreciate that he was writing about hiding what he was going through and his inability to continue preforming. Hits pretty hard. Bo Burnham remains on a level that he created and, to me, sits above the rest.
More than just a comedy special/10.
Stranger Things (2016)
I will not be silenced. Roller Sk8ing isn't a crime
Back for round 2 at an attempted review. I admit, the first one got a bit too dark and real for most. That's because they are soft and don't appreciate the sharp sting of a review riddled with hard hitting truths. Or satire. I'm still unsure.
The series, Odd'er Stuff, is based on a romanticized version on the 1980s. Just sit back and watch while wonderful warm waves wash over you. Waves filled with nostalgia and select glorified memories that paint an unrealistic picture of a perplexing period plagued with painful social injustice. But I digress.
Back to the job at hand. The series, Weirder Objects, attempts to bring you back to a simpler time. A time when you could leave your bike outside your friends house without fear of it being straight jacked. A time when roller skates still ruled the ring and the streets. But, with all things, stranger or not, the shadow of time only grows longer as the sun sets on an era that once encompassed our youthful innocence.
Usher in the 90s. A fast paced hard hitting decade that is destined to rule them all. The roller rink is now dominated by the no rules roller blade crowd. Coca Cola is finally on the straight and narrow, you hate to see it but it's probably for the best. Keep an open mind. We have a lot of growing yet to come in the 30 years to follow. Welcome to... Peculiar Items.
Roller Sk8ing isn't a crime/10.
The Day After Tomorrow (2004)
Tomorrow always becomes today, just give it time
The day after tomorrow. With enough time, tomorrow eventually becomes today and the day after that becomes tomorrow. Then, we arrive, you guessed it, back at today. What I'm saying is, tomorrow never comes yall! Wake up and smells the roses. It's a conspiracy set up by Big Calendar to sell you an, admittedly, bangin 365 day-to-day motivational desktop calendar. And by god, if they didn't pull it off, those crazy SOBs did it.
Tomorrow will always be a day away Annie. So good luck with that. Idiot. Btw, grab a blanket bc that is some ice cold truth and I hear the day after tomorrow is going to be cold as a mother.
Still waiting/10.
The Big Short (2015)
Ahhh, the American Dream
We did it! We arrived. Home ownership. Time to sit back and drink some Country Time lemonade with your Boo while letting your apple pie cool on the window sill. It's finally the weekend and you're going to put up a tire swing for little Timmy Thomas and finish painting the small worthless front yard fence again. Its the third time this month you will have painted that fence... Deep down you know you're painting the pain away. The pain of a superficial marriage. The pain of a job which has steadily and relentlessly eroded your soul. The pain of seeing your hopes and dreams slowly pass you by like a Autumn leaf floating in a river. Just drifting as you watch it slowly float away. Then before you know it, it's gone. Forgotten.
But hey, head up big hombre at least you made a sound financial investment by purchasing a home in 2007 with a tight deal on a subprime mortgage.
Smart move playa/10.
The Nice Guys (2016)
Self Discovery at its Finest
How far will you go for the truth? Russel and Ryan go looking for answers and find something they never expected. A mediocre work place friendship. You know, the type of person at work who you can tolerate in small doses. You say, "Hi" and ask the perfunctory questions about their weekend hoping for a simple, short, closed answer which warrants no response. Because honestly you dgaf. Who would? No one wants to hear about the 5th live, laugh, love sign they got off Etsy. Barf.
You're not a monster/10.
The Hateful Eight (2015)
Sam L. dropping magical one line Ef Bombs
Sam L. Jackson, Snakes on a Plane, stars in a truly magical coming of age tale centered around the metaphorical struggles presented by a crippling winter storm. Sam represents logic and reason surrounded by an societal framework characterized by an irrational desire to be internet famous. A winter storm has entered the chat. Sam doesn't see the world through the same lens as most. He sees truth. He sees light when others see nothing but darkness. A visionary who can see through the blinding, bitterly cold, and emotionally twisted blizzard that represents our current misguided ideals. Heavy, powerful, and free; these are words.
A surprise shot to the dome/10.
The Departed (2006)
Another Oscar snub for Mark Wahlberg
The Departed brings us to the mean city streets of Boston. Where Mark Wahlberg cut his teeth in the no rules rap game during the hip hop era of the early 90s. Fast forward 10 years and Mark finds himself on the other side of the law... working as the one thing he swore to never respect. A cop. Emotionally devastated by this horrible ironic twist of faith Mark searches for answers to questions he doesn't yet understand. Mark takes the viewers on a brutally honest journey through his psyche where he discovers not just more about himself, but more about Matt Damon. We have now arrived at, The Departed.
Mark is cleaning up the streets/10.
Tenet (2020)
Denzel and Edward from Twilight at their best!
Does the future have an impact on the past? Just a wrinkle in time or a tearing of the fabric? Forget everything you know about time and space travel. Close your eyes. Now open them. Where are you? Or better yet... when are you?
The ability to be two places at once was usually only discussed no louder than a faint whisper for fear of public persecution. Could it now be true, the rumors? The answer is simple but far from easy.
Tenet, the film, explores these questions in a way that forces you to reevaluate a lot of your previously certain choices. Things have certainly changed. Time continues, but now... is it ever too late? Welcome to the truth.
Think about it/10.
Army of the Dead (2021)
Left4Dead the movie
My man, David Barista, is back in action dropping his signature Barista Bombs like he is going out of style. You want regrettable tribal tats and Pile Drivers from the top ropes? Well guess what big hombre? You have come to the right place.
A real Royal Rumble/10.
Jupiter's Legacy (2021)
Cool, I got second hand embarrassment
Save yourself, don't do it dawg. I'm trying to play wingman here and do you a solid by protecting you from making a drunken mistake. The pit of covid boredom and sorrow that you are currently wallowing in is a temporary phase big homie. It will pass.
This show isn't the answer. Just hop back on Tinder and/or Bumble for a short term endorphin boost to make yourself feel better. Strike up a few conversations with some randos. Then ultimately feel like a trash human when you get your attention fix and then inevitably ghost them a day later. But that is tomorrow you's problem. We are working on today.
Uranus' Legacy is a total rush promotion and you deserve better. The acting is terrible. The costume design was done by a 5 year old in art class. The story line was written by Oscar, RIP to my main dude, the grouch. It's not good man, not good.
Uranus' Legacy/10.
The Prestige (2006)
Batman, Alfred, and Wolverine?!
Who doesn't love a good magic show? Probably most adults and a fair number of small children if I had to guess. This tale however is more than meets the eye. More than just a pitiful attempt to garner some attention by preforming sad illusions to friends and family. This film captures the gritty underbelly of the magic realm often not seen by the average newb. Once you stray from the light and turn down the path of darkness... there is no going back. Or is there? Either way, you're still a magician and have to fight for air time a little Peter Parker's birthday party only to be upstaged by a clown who can make a boss balloon sword.
Deception for the ages/10.
Inception (2010)
Congrats to Leo for his best actor... Esh Sorry
You had an original thought? Nah, Inception.
Feeling paranoid about your family? You should, Inception.
Trouble getting a hold on reality? Same, Inception.
Feeling conflicted about bottling up your emotions? Bro, it's not healthy, Inception.
Can't figure out who to trust? Then don't trust anyone, Inception!
Can't win a best actor Oscar even though you have been making bangers for decades? Get wrecked by a bear, The Revenant!
One of the greatest/10.