dutchirishmyfatherwasfromwales Reviews

Skinford: Death Sentence (2017)

Just throw together some weird charakters it will end in a film somehow...

[2/10 · 23 May 2024]

People gave this movie 8 stars. This movie showed up on my prime in the 'Horror' section. There is a second part.

None of this makes any sense and that is outside of the film itself.

So a man uncovers by some coincidence a woman who was buried alive. She has some dirt on her face and clothes but apart from that her hair is perfect and she is obviously has good make up underneath the dirt layer. This is just usual senseless bs but don't worry this film carries on being as confusing as a David Lynch film but it doesn't feel like there was any plan behind it. So, our buried beauty is immortal and simply can not be harmed. She walk off with her clothes literally burning off but she stays untouched by the flames. However, later in the film she gets a mark singed into her skin. Why? How? Does this detail hold any significance to the plot or her backstory or anything. Well most definitely not! But she now has this cool mark and it looks good on the movie poster, I guess. And don't forget this is a main arc of the movie.

Things will blow up. Why? Mostly it looks cool, I guess.

The other plot line is a gangster movie. But really nothing makes sense there. It is as if someone tried to pull off a Guy Ritchie gangster movie but realised that the strings just don't come together so they just added some string here and there and thinned out the existing strings so much that there seems to be a solution but it is rubbish. Characters that should know one another and should know things about one another just either forgot or ignored these things and if not for very very much luck this movie had ended after the first 10 minutes. So yeah....

this is a mess. Some cool characters, two plot lines which do not work in them self and definitely dont work together even though the makers of the film really tried hard to somehow bring it all together. Just isnt enough. And it ain't a horror movie.

The Divine Fury (2019)

overall just boring

[3/10 · 17 September 2022]

The movie is long and feels even longer because not much really happens. The story is basic, the character build is just too simple and I did seem to have missed any and all of the suspense and horror. It just dwindles along and the conversations just do not make it better. The characters are plain and they do not grip you. It just feels dull. I really had this moment looking up, realising I had zoomed out and thinking 'boy this movie is really boring'. Quite simply nothing about tge film stands out.

I wouldn't advise watching it espacially not if you think you are watching a horror movie, it is not it is a sort of melo-dramatic actin fighter movie with supernatural elements but those could have just aswell been replaced with stand offs with drufdealers/junkies. The 8+++ ratings seem unreasonable to me.

In China They Eat Dogs (1999)

just watch it

[10/10 · 17 June 2022]

If you get your hands on this: WATCH IT! It is brutal and harsh but fun.

It is plain and simple fun....plus if you wish to dig deep you can do that too.

The Turning (2020)

unfair reviews

[6/10 · 17 June 2022]

I watch a lot of horror movies, really a lot and this film does not deserve the bad rating it receives!

The movie has great atmosphere, good acting, nice scenery and an intriguing story! The film is great fun.....until the last few minutes. The resolution is dumb, yes it is. But up to then you can really enjoy this flick! Go for it, go for the feeling it will be a fun ride!

Against the Night (2017)

Oh! God! No!

[1/10 · 25 May 2022]

Did nobody who had anything to do with this production at any point realize how horrible it is? The writers maybe while thinking this plot up could have just said....yeah noooo we are drunk let us skip the whole thing and start a fresh when we can finish one thought.

The actors when reading the 'dialogue' which mainly seem to be made up of 'i dont understand/what do you mean/I dont know/what do you mean you dont know' and other classics you already know from horror movies that seemingly were made up while the camera was already running.

Everything beyond 1 Star is too much....tge beginning is not strong. It starts off bad, the characters have no chemistry their dialogues are stupid and empty, the acting does not convince, you do not see anything in the film because it is so dark, the frightening parts are camera shaking plus a lamp rolling around....god it was awful.

Group: we do not want to go to the prison nerd(who wants to make a movie): but let us go they go group: we dont want to go in, you said we wont go in they go in group: we dont want to hand in our cell phones, it makes no sense they give him their cellphones group: we do not want to split up into small groups they split up into small groups....aaaaaaahhhhhh

another gem: girl getting pissed off that her ex does not trust the guy who locked them up in the prison and let them experience lethal fear for laughs and giggles and to make a movie about the whole thing

No! The beginning was bad and the middle and the end.....and anything inbetween. Do not watch....it is not so bad it is good....it is just bad.

Atrocious (2010)

Really not good

[2/10 · 7 April 2022]

This film has really nothing going for it. These found footage films often deliver because the viewer is so close to the action. This film however often times feels comical, theateically over the top so that you do not get any real feeling of fear or dread plus nothing really happens.....so they fail on building tension and do not deliver scares. That is a bad resumee of a horror film.

Adam Chaplin (2011)

maybe if I saw the full version...

[2/10 · 30 March 2022]

Maybe tgen I could get close to understanding why anyone is giving this movie high ratings. I doubt that there can be that much in those few minutes, though. I saw this on my German prime, I didn't very much like the title pic, nor the description however it only runs 61 mins so I thought it couldn't harm. It did not harm me, but it did not give me anything positive either. Since when do films get so many good ratings only for a lot of gore? Btw, I really do not feel like the gore is exceptionslly well done in any way. Actually the gore is difficult to enjoy because tge whole film seems to be made with as little quality as possible. It just really is no fun.

Even Lambs Have Teeth (2015)

It just doesn't work.

[3/10 · 30 December 2021]

I can like movies where a victim gets the upper hand and decides to take revenge but that basic plot is not enough to make an enjoyable movie. This plot has been there a million times and while Even lambs have teeth has some good moments I just can not like a film that had me shaking ny head like a dog at a tennis tournament.

What kind of game was that at the beginning? If you put drugs in envelopes and take them together it is not really taking drugs but a game? What?

The whole part about them being captives, getting raped and tortured. It is horrible the idea of it but the whole scenes do not feel right. The movie does not give off any real understanding of time nor do the girls convey the horrible state of mind they must be in and why do they make such an act about the guy in the pig mask just for it to boil down to him raping them like they have been raped several times. The part about the space of time is also problematic because it would make the horrors worse or lighter. But you never get any feeling fir the situation.

Then they escape, somehow. Steal the cop car, somehow, and without even taking time to relax, to clean off the blood, spit and other bodily fluids they had directly to a hardware store to get the tools for their revenge. I just can not buy that! The poor beaten victims that only a few moments ago were still crying and sobbing and distraught suddenly are joking around, super bad ass and are full of power and strength to kill tge evil hillbillies. If they had taken time to show how the girls save themselves and come back with a plan I could have bought it but nope the turn from one of the mistreated toys from toy story to The Punisher in a second.

And the illogic continues. So this is a tiny farmers village, the preacher, the sheriff, the farm supplier etc are all part of a sextrafficking ring probably even more townfolk. So when the girls bust out of their captivity, they drive around town in the stolen police car, they are covered in blood and scarcely anything else, they steal another car, they tie the preacher to the stolen car(that belonged to their second victim) and drive around for a while like that, they buy matches which they use to torch the preacher on the parking spot of the shop they bought the matches at. All this is happening and NOT ONE MEMBER OF THE SEX TRAFFICKERS RING NOTICES THEM AND DECIDES TO STOP THEM?

They then finish off the rest of the ring and because they had so much time to plan it out perfectly they make it look like their last but one victim killed all the others and then killed himself. Brilliant! Because they cleaned everything and did not leave any prints and one of them has an uncle who works for the FBI and he told her that CSI is total fiction, so the girls will never be associated with the murders. That is of course anybody saw the half naked girls covered in blood driving through town in a stolen police car, later a stolen pickup truck with the preacher tied to it, saw them lighting up the preacher, saw them buy many of the tools used for the murders, their saliva is found in the bite wound of the first victim....

so yeah....plus how obnoxious is the over sexualised girl in the first half?

What Keeps You Alive (2018)

Damn it, that is not how diabetes works

[4/10 · 27 December 2021]

....not wanting to spoiler anything but I really am flabbergasted at how filmmakers just do not understand diabetes. It really is common. It is just as fascinating to me like when foreign languages are spoken in movies but the sentences make no sense, there really must be someone on set or someone who knows someone that could do the correct translation. But nevermind, to the movie!!

This is a usual revenge, exploitation, cat-mouse, hunter-hunted, psycho-goodie film. If you have seen Revenge or I spit on your grave or any other you know the plot and you know what will happen. The biggest problem for me is with all of the films of this genre that I have seen(there were a few)that it feels like 90% of the plot relies on the dumbness of the protagonists. The goodies usually are too dumb to use any opportunity to get to safety and thereby always end up being caught by the baddy, at the same time the baddies make stupid decisions which lead to the goodie freeing themselves and making a stupid thing and beibg caught again. At the end then the baddie makes one last really dumb move and the goodie wins or there is an act of deus ex machina or both the goodie and the baddie die because of a coincidence or because of all the dumb decisions. This film is filled to the brim with these situations. Plus, also quite typical for these movies, it is painfully unrealistic many times.

It really is not a bad movie per se but I just have seen these sort of movies so often that this film gave me absolutely nothing new. And the other movies are older so I do compare this one to the older ones and ask myself why would you make this movie? What were the filmmakers thinking when they decided to make a film that has been made in very much the same setting with the same context and and and already, not once but several times. The scenery is beautiful and the acting is really quite good, I couldnt stand one of the characters but that was not because of the acting skills.

So if you never have seen a film of this style go ahead and enjoy, you might quite like it but if you have, this is just the same. Skip it.

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane (2006)

Who wanted this movie made?

[2/10 · 27 November 2021]

I really am asking myself this question ever since I watched it. Usually when I come out of a movie and think to myself: 'Was this film neccessary? If so, why?' it was a remake. The answer is money. With this film however I really am stunned. Nothibg, really nothing about this movie seems to warrant that anyone put down a whole bunch of money to make it. The story line is absolutely basic and unfinished, the twist can be smelled 10 km against the wind and the action just is stupid. The whole story just does not add up. Do these people actually have a friendship? What is the need for Mandys backstory? Why DO all the oys love Mandy Lane? Honestly!? Yeah, she is a sweet girl but so are the other two and a whole bunch of girls from the school probably so why do all the boys go so nuts over Mandy? For a while I thought there might be some supernatural twist coming....nope.... The film is weak. The dialogue, oh gosh, did actual horny teenagers write the lines for the boys? No, sorry, that is unfair towards needy horny teens. None of the characters has any depth, the chemistry between the characters is just as non existent. Not wanting to jump on the Amber Heard bashing train(her acting was actually quite fine though I had the feeling the director gave her little space 'look down, play with your hair, look up slowly, shy glance, shy smile' repeat this pretty much every scene you are in just in case someone forgot that you are playing tge shy, good hearted, girl-next-door) but the only explanation for the birth of this film to me is that her agent really was desperate to get her in a leading role.

This film is bad andnot so bad that it would be fun. It is just plain boring.

Peelers (2016)

Really no reason to watch this

[2/10 · 3 November 2021]

There is nothing outstanding about this movie. The plot is dumb, the humour, the twists and shocks are really not surprising or shocking, the characters are cheesy stereotypes, the dialogues have been there beforehand and are hard to bare in the situations they come up in and(maybe the film is unique in this aspect) the big solution, twist or whatever it can be called is the biggest pile of steaming ... that I have seen in a while. It is so painful having watched this movie and all that stuck with me(eventhough it is full of nudity at the beginning) was all the plotholes that came with this stupid, stupid turn in the film. Apart from all that the pacing os too slow. There are a few good laughs and a lot of gore and quite some nudity but that is it. Can not recommend the movie.

Parasite (2019)

A positive bias

[3/10 · 19 July 2021]

...seems to be surrounding many things South-Korean and Japanese, at least that is my feeling. The culture and art of these and other Asian countries get hyped ferociously in the west. I am not saying that I mind, people can like whatever they want and there is so much intriguing and nice to like but it does have this unpleasant side effect that films like this are treated like pure gold. This film is not, for me.

I heard much about this film, read many great reviews it being incredibly funny, frightening, disturbing, dramatic and and and. A Film that should have won all prices as best competitor in all genres(a part from adult and children's movies). So I watched it expecting it to be dark, smart and deep and at the same time entertain me and make me laugh, and cry at best. But it did not. I yawned quite a few times though. It is really long and it would probably be so much more entertaining if it was just 90 minutes but as it is several scenes just drag along not giving the viewer anything no content, no grand acting, no new and brutal visuals(yes, the scenery IS VERY WELL DONE! But it is not so beautiful that I want to stare at it while nothing is happening and also after a while we have seen all the shots so thank you, next.) And about all the genres...it really is not that funny, not that dark, not frightening and not horrific, some drama in it but not done better then in many TV shows in all fairness. I might be unable to understand some of the humour as I do not speak Korean and also I could only find a synchronised version so there could have been some puns that just flew over my head but I doubt that that would have made a change.

The acting is not great, the characters are not really likeable and sometimes feel unfinished the story does really not make much sense and the twists and turns are not something incredibly smart or unexpected. I must really say I went in hoping for great entertainment and did not finish it in one sitting but stopped half way in and finished it the next day because I was disappointed and bored and felt like using my time differently.

It is simply a film, the message is very simple and while it has some nice shots it is really not a film I would recommend....to anyone really. I even now knowing the film, rereading the reviews do not see what those people saw in it. Which is grand! People have different tastes! As a review in simple terms: A mediocre film, with nothing outstanding about it and ruined by a too long running time which results in the film being boring.

Monster Party (2018)

Did not work out for me

[3/10 · 13 June 2021]

Horror movies often have plot holes or other problems, especially if, like me , you enjoy b, c, d or less horror flics. However these mistakes or illogical twist etc do not destroy a movie as a whole, usually.

With this film I could not look past all the idiotic things. The whole idea is questionable, the chractwrs behaviour is infuriating and the way it starts and ends just make no sense. The thiefs would gave been caught long ago the way they act. It has too many faults that outweigh the goid.

Chillerama (2011)

Too little, too long

[3/10 · 9 June 2021]

It is dirty, brutal, grotesque, disgusting, oversexualised and absurd. Everything I can love. But I don't love this movie. Some fun scenes, too many so-so scenes, a lot of unfunny scenes....

The idea of this should have been given to the producers of Family Guy, they would have reduced it to 20-30 minutes in a special Halloween episode and it would have been a good laugh.

We Summon the Darkness (2019)

Yes! Watch it!

[9/10 · 29 January 2021]

Why there are so many negative reviews about this film is a question I can not answer. I have a horror channel subscription running out this month which is why I am watching a lot of horror movies recently and of all the movies I have watched in the last few weeks, month maybe, this is one of the few that really entertained me and I would recommend whenever!

The music is nice, the story is fun, the characters are funny. The conversations seem real(before the horror starts I mean) and the film just looks good and rolls on nicely. It is a fast entertaining ride. There was one moment in the film where I had to smack my own forehead, but that did not spoil the rest of the movie.

If you want to have a nice fun evening with a little gory horror this film is right for you and I do believe that that is all this film ever wanted to be.

(Okay, yeah it does not feel like the 80's, but who cares)

Star Trek: Lower Decks (2020–2024)

I just do not understand the hype

[2/10 · 29 January 2021]

The overall rating of this show and the many 10 star reviews baffle me. I can not understand it especially not from a Star Trek point of view.

When I first saw an ad for this show I admit I did not have too high hopes for it, it simply looked from the style of it and its description sounded like a bit too goofy. But I checked out the reviews here and was going to watch it anyway because I watch anything that is Star Trek. However, I am 5 or 6 episodes in and I do not understand what people here see in it. For me this series feels like an okay-ish(I guess this is a very personal opinion, the humour just does not really get me so I do not want to make any comment about that) cartoon set in the future on a space ship. It would be nothing special and I wouldn't have watched it if it wasn't for the Star Trek part of it but unfortunately in this aspect it fails just as badly as Star Trek Picard. The writers just do not seem to understand what Star Trek is about. It is not enough to place a series somewhere in space, use words and characters from the source material and then go forward and say: look here this is star trek. Where is the exploration? We hardly get to see any new and exciting strange and foreign cultures and when we do they are sketched out so briefly that they don't mean anything. Star Trek was exciting because it showed different alien worlds and compared them to our human world showed the human flaws and strengths. There is none of that in this series. There also are no real characters. Someone said this series was deep, well I am unable to find this depth. The main protagonists are so flat as it can be: You have the super hero, who knows everything, can do anything and beats up any alien without much effort because she came around a lot(she is not an experienced captain or crew member by the way, she is still rather young), then there is the loser, always keeping to the rules but never going anywhere with it(and yes of course to save the day he breaks his and all rules once in a while) and then there are two more who play no real roles, they seem to just be used for unimportant comic side plots. But that is it. These characters don't ever struggle with themselves really and whenever they do something different it is gone the next scene. There was more comedy, emotion and exploration of fundamental questions about humanity in single scenes with Data and Geordie than I have seen so far in this whole series. Lastly, here is the strongest link to Star Trek Picard, the show makes all the people in it seem just as dull, simple, arrogant and useless as we see it too often in all the other shows....and often enough reality. It feels like the whole crew is at the same level that we are on now, but Star Trek should not be a picture of today it should be a prospect, a utopian future.

This is a mediocre sci-fi, typically satirical comedy cartoon, some good laughs in it but all in all it could take place in any time period in any given setting. They chose a space craft and the future and somehow, somebody thought that was enough to call it Star Trek. It is not.