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structuredmayhem
Reviews
Push (2009)
No highs, no lows; must be Bose!
At the end of the movie last night, I had a nagging feeling: during the entire movie, I just couldn't get into the damn thing. It took until the end of the movie to really understand why: I never became emotionally attached to the characters.
How did this happen? I guess it was the fact that, for a movie marketed as a non-stop mental action thriller, this one had a lot of pointless slow-downs and miscues. Fight scenes were slow and convoluted; love scene(s) were too fast and too stupid. The main characters spent the entirety of the movie with that same "we're gonna die" look on their faces, even during downtime (without vulnerability, how is anyone supposed to care for these people). I just couldn't get emotionally attached.
I wasn't the only one. You know how on opening night of a GOOD action movie, the audience always claps and whoops when the a major evil guy dies? Well, SPOILER ALERT: the screaming guy died, and I heard exactly one person clapping their hands. That is how boring and annoying the character was!
Dakota was the only saving grace of the film. Without her, it would totally fall apart. I give it a "blah" out of 10.
The Apple (1980)
Mediocre Plot, Bad Songs, Abysmal Sound
Hey, all the things you could want from an off-beat Rock Opera, right?
The plot seems to make some glaringly accurate predictions as to the future of the entertainment industry. Only a handful of singers are hand-picked by record execs, and the cost is their soul. Their images are rebuilt, and the agents control the mass media.
This seems like an insightful and redeeming aspect, until you realize that the music industry hasn't changed much in two decades. The same conglomerates that created the Backstreet Boys are responsible for assembling and promoting The Village People, among other crummy acts of the late 70s. Filmed at the trailing end of the disco revolution, it's easy to see where this movie got it's direction.
The lyrics are terrible, and the sound is forgettable. Other than the few songs sung by Mr. Boogalow, the lyrics and flow lack any hook to keep the viewer interested. I have this feeling I only liked Boogalow's performances because of his exotic appearance and accent.
Just one sample from these horrid tracks:
"It's a natural, natural, natural desire To meet an actual, actual, actual vampire"
Finally, the biggest scene in the film is completely ruined by sound recording. Those of you who think that acoustic theaters are a waste of space should watch the scene after the party where the couple are trying to sign a contract with Mr. Boogalow. There's a HUGE song and dance number held inside a massive lobby, complete with flashy sequins and a bag of chips. The only problem is, the entire song is recored INSIDE THE LOBBY, so what should be a massively powerful performance ends up sounding pale and hollow.
Word to the wise: sometimes studio voice-overs for a scene are a good thing, especially when you cannot control the staging environment.
Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001)
A Jaguar chassis hiding a Kia drivetrain
I have one three things to say:
135 million on CG and $5 on a script and actors does not a movie make.
BAD VOICE-ACTING IS UNACCAPTABLE for any major motion picture in this day and age. Good voice actors can make all the difference in the world when faced with a deplorable script and strange storyline. Lets not forget that we had plenty of starpower behind these voices, and yet the highest emotional state any one character exhibits is a mildly-dazed look.
Finally, if you're going to rip off formula plot elements, do it with gusto!
Hypothetical situation: You just finished ( with a pinch of arrogance, if you look under a microscope...closer, closer, its hard to see ) wiping out hordes of aliens only to watch your friend and squadmate devoured. What do you do?
A. Wake the audience up with a hell-twisted grimace and a shriek of "NOOOOOO!" that just OOZES with vengance.
B. Pop a Ritalin and do your best not to crack so much as a grimace as you dutifully read the line "NOOOO!" in a conversational tone.
I just want to say that the terrible voice acting ruined that entire scene for me, even though it had some great high-explosive action and the biggest dead-alien-ghost-type-thing yet.