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Reviews
The Hive (2008)
Ants don't live in hives...
...they live in colonies. That should tell you most everything you need to know about this film.
This has got to be Tom Wopat's worst performance ever. Don't forget: this is the man who spent seven seasons appearing on The Dukes of Hazzard. Here, here he's a big overbearing macho military type with a big overbearing macho mustache who stomps around with his paramilitary exterminating pals. They're wont to trading pithy, heartfelt comments like, "There's something weird going on!" and "We can think ahead - that's one of our advantages over the ants!"
I have a high tolerance for eco-horror films, but this is a whole lot dumber.
War of the Colossal Beast (1958)
Second Beast Not as Hot as the First
I had a certain twisted adolescent attraction to the Colossal Beast who appeared in the first installment of this short franchise. The actor who played him in the first film was apparently unavailable (go figure) so in the second film, we're left with this hideous replacement with heavy facial scars and nowhere near as good of a physique as Monster number 1. He looks sort of like the Genie who played opposite Sabu in one of those Korda Brothers epics from the 1940s, only sexier. This makes his ultimate demise in both films all the more poignant.
Anyway, it took me half the film to realize that the name of the Beast is Lt Colonel Glenn Manning, not Sergeant Chelsea Manning the gender- transitioning activist who was convicted by court-martial in July 2013 of violations of the Espionage Act. (Now THAT would make a great Colossal 3 movie).
If you can find your way past that initial confusion, this movie has everything: a giant guy who crunches buildings like styrofoam (in fact, the models are so obviously styrofoam, I had to Google "styrofoam" to make sure it had been invented by the time the film was made) and eats Army surplus cans of chow without using a can opener and makes strange farting noises when he eats or attempts to communicate, a Mexican character who gets stomped in the first reel, psychiatry, sexism up the ying yang, the City of Glendale CA, and a rousing climax in color at Griffith Observatory (which is weird because the city and observatory are 15 miles from one another). Extra points for the Beast terrorizing a busload of screaming brats at the end, the greatest childhood menace scene until "The Birds" a few years later. You heard right: at his best, the direct Bert I. Gordon was right up there with Hitchcock.
Eruption: LA (2018)
Atrocious
Forget the terrible special effects and the bad acting. Why is every character in this film angry and obnoxious? They don't speak with one another, they spit and screech. Is this supposed to be a comment about Los Angeles? I thought Angelenos were supposed to be vacant, not aggressive and irritable.