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rdhoran
Reviews
Night Swim (2024)
How do writers and directors get hired?
1) This baseball couple buys a house in Minnesota, where the pool supposedly hasn't been used in fifteen years, yet it is completely full of crystal clear blue water. In reality it would be maybe half full of sludge. In addition, it is chocked with dead leaves, which no realtor would allow.
2) The filmmakers must have used three different swimming pools because in some scenes one side of the pool is lined with trees, in others it is not. And the shallow ends differ between scenes.
3) Everyone goes swimming in this pool for years whilst every light in the pool is intermittent. Do you think that somebody might think to get the lights repaired?
4) Do you think that, since the film is about a haunted pool, they could maybe get something right?
Finestkind (2023)
Is this a joke?
1) When the boat explodes, the captain's Mayday reports his position as 69 degrees west. When the coast guard helicopter locates the life raft, USCG report its location as 42 degrees east, 65 degrees west. Are you kidding me? They give two incorrect longitudinal positions and no latitude? Longitude at 40 miles SE of New Bedford is about 70 degrees west. The life raft would've had to drift about 300 miles, almost an impossibility, to reach 65 degrees.
2) While being rescued, they act like drunks at a frat party.
3) Once aboard the helicopter, they continue laughing hysterically for no reason.
4) After losing their boat and nearly their lives, the brothers seem unconcerned about the boat and the huge financial difficulties that await them. Instead, they head directly to a bar for drinks the same morning as the rescue. Never mind that their mother might be worried. One brother finally calls the mother after he is served a boilermaker.
This all occurs in the first nine minutes of the film. Tommy Lee's character hadn't even been introduced yet. I couldn't watch another moment of this trash.
Storm of the Century (1999)
Good miniseries
One of the things I enjoyed about this series is that they didn't force any DEI on the audience.
Any questions about that?
I also enjoyed that the producers didn't rush to the ultimate conclusion, even when it became somewhat obvious what that would be. The acting was good, maybe above part. Character development was also decent. I didn't think the portrayal of the storm was particularly good: the so-called "storm" didn't seem to bring any wind or cold. All I noticed were soap flakes dropping almost straight to the ground and np condensation of anyone's breath when they were out of doors.
All in all a good watch.
Hippo vs Croc (2014)
Mostly good with a terrible flaw
When the narrator called the hippopotamus "amphibious", I knew this so-called documentary was pure baloney. National Geographic, where are your standards? Do you even know what that means anymore?
Now I am required to add 404 more characters to make my review valid. Like I require and have to earn validation while National Geo operates in a world of donations, producing crap, and pretends they are something special.
Now we are down to 162 more required characters.
Ok, this had good camera work. It had good narration. It had good pacing. But nothing can forgive that they call the hippo, which is a mammal, amphibious.
Columbo: Candidate for Crime (1973)
Jackie Cooper was a poor choice
Jackie Cooper overacts in every scene in this episode. Despite the fact that the episode is poorly written, overly complicated, and most of it makes no sense, Cooper makes it worse. I found this episode almost unwatchable because of him.
As a potential Senator, he has absolutely no charm and no charisma. All he does is snap around like a stupid dog at every chance for attention. For a classic show like Columbo, his performance is shameful. Shall we blame the director?
I would bet money that somebody owed somebody a favor to get Cooper that role. He ruined it and I bet those involved saw that coming. But, in the 70s, maybe nobody noticed. I give this a 4 of 10.
In the Cut (2003)
I couldn't suffer through more than fifteen minutes
I was trying to watch this mess and couldn't get through th first quarter hour. I just didn't care at all, so let's see if I can write enough words about it to satisfy IMDB's minimum requirments.
I guess I can recommend against watching this film except for curing insomnia.
Oops, the review is still too short. On the way home tonight, traffic was completely stopped at an intersection that is usually clear. Due to the inclement weather, several drivers including me bad to brake hard, almost causing a multiple car collision. As luck would have it, no wrecks occured. Gosh I think I am close to minimum 600 character limit...YES!
Tin Star (2017)
Load of crap
Over the course of a few episodes, in no particular order, Tim Roth's wife intentionally burns down their house, disconnecting gas pipes, and there is no investigation by the fire marshall nor the insurance company. Tim Roth crashes his pickup truck through the front of a country church, plowing into pews full of people, and he doesn't even get a traffic ticket. Later, Roth is shot in the leg as he murders a man, and not only is there no murder investigation, but Roth survives a femoral artery gunshot wound and walks miles through knee deep snow long after he should've bled out. This series is preposterous stupid.
Tin Star: Commitment (2020)
Leave your brain at the door
This series has good actors and actresses that put in good performances. But the content is ridiculous. Tim Roth's character, as sheriff, spends every waking moment dead-drunk at the local tavern, getting in a fight most every nught. That's not enough to satisfy the lazy writers.
The sheriff's wife commits obvious arson and burns down/explodes the family's home by disconnecting hard gas lines. Authorities and insurance don't bother to investigate. Drunkard sheriff is unhappy that his daughter took up with simple village folk, so he drives his pickup truck through the front of their church during Sunday service, nearly killing several people. He doesn't even get issued a traffic ticket when he should be charged with attempted murder. Later he gets shot in the leg, and after his wife leaves him to bleed out dead, he recovers and walks several miles in knee deep snow...to a cabin that he burns down without investigation.
Are you getting the picture??? I didn't much want to click the spoiler button because the writers didn't merit it.
Monk: Mr. Monk and the Panic Room (2004)
Shameful and lame to use a chimp
I must admit, I hate chimps on film. What people think is humorous is actually chimps grimacing, screaming, and being fearful. I do not understand why people are drawn to it.
Other than that, Monk is good in general.
My Cat from Hell: Cat Escape! (2012)
Pampered
The blonde woman appears to have gotten her way her whole life. She has a mentality that anything physical is a job for a man. I don't see that changing easily.
Ben & Jerry's Clash of the Cones (2021)
Why? Just, WHY???
I the premise is dubious, I don't like the over the top perky hostess, and I don't like the format. Supposedly, the reason for this show is for craft ice cream makers to create a new Ben and Jerry's flavor, in yet another Food Network timed competition. The problem is it's fraught with the usual mistakes that go with those shows. I would think that for something as important as a spot in the B and J rotation they would put in a better, less formulaic effort. After all, I want to taste a new flavor where a chef has all the time in the world, not rushing to get it in the bowl before a buzzer goes off.
As to the hostess Molly Yeh, she basically has nothing to do other than licking cones, and she is not particularly funny or interesting. The producers seem so desperate to involve her that when the contestants are served some standard cones from a truck, they squeeze her in the way at the serving counter, only so that she can needlessly take the cone herself and then hand it to a contestant. Kind of strange considering she has no plan to eat it.
Of course, to attract the largest possible audience, they sprinkle in a celebrity here and there, because no molly Yeh show is complete without sprinkles.
Lastly, do they really need several one-hour episodes to get this done? How many celebrities will they need for fluff? How many more combinations of chocolate chips, nuts, caramel, broken cookies, bananas and peanut butter does the world need? And how many more times must the world endure Molly chirpilly mugging for the camera?
Money Hungry (2021)
Nothing ever happens
I found the format tedious. The contestants have to guess what is in prepared food while the TV audience just watches from afar with nothing to engage them. In addition, the.1.
Naked and Afraid: Threesome (2019)
Three is a crowd
I watch this program occasionally. This was the first I saw with two women and a man...one woman very attractive. My fears about what might happen came true with an unexpected twist. Interesting episode.
Diners, Drive-ins and Dives: Hometown Heroes (2014)
A great Minneapolis restaurant and landmark
Guy visits historic Nordeast Minneapolis' Kramarczuk Sausage Company. For over 70 years serving wonderful european foods like perogis, cabbage rolls, etc. Also feature amazing sandwiches, fantastic desserts and a fabulous deli with everything made in house. The only stain on this episode was Minneapolis' useless mayor Rybak's brief appearance.
I forget which other restaurants were featured.
Rear Window (1954)
Preposterous, somewhat dull, and too long.
James Stewart, his broken leg in a cast, and his love interest, Grace Kelly, solve a murder with the help of Thelma Ritter for comic relief.
Somehow, the way too old Stewart, a political magazine photographer, has impossibly hooked up with the completely gorgeous Kelly, a wildly successful fashion model. She probably makes 5 or more times his salary, but he wants to break off with her because her Park Avenue style makes her too delicate to follow him around the world on his dangerous and disgusting photo assignments. The film just beats this idiotic story line to death, so that later, Kelly can break into an apartment in an evening gown just to prove him a little bit wrong.
But, taking a step back, why would Kelly ever give up her super-lucrative job to go traipsing around with him to pursue every political hell hole errand his editor sends him on ? How about Stewart mans up and says, "Honey, I'm off to Burma for three weeks. I'll see you when I get back." No, Stewart is too self centered for that...he thinks he'll find a woman to go along with that load of crap.
So, with one more week before he gets his cast removed, he is well into multiple weeks of doing nothing but spying on his neighbors, none of which ever close their window shades, let alone their windows or screens. I guess no insects like flies or mosquitos live in Manhattan. This allows him and us to peek into the private lives of many people, which amounts to a whole lot of nothing and just makes the film unbearably long.
Luckily Raymond Burr lives across the courtyard and happens to be the stupidest premeditated murderer ever, doing the most suspicious activities, all in plain sight. He is seen by Stewart handling saws and machete sized knives, wrapping them in newsprint, and scurrying away in the glare of his hallway lighting in the middle of the night with multiple suitcases full of body parts, obviously those of his wife, and for some reason he buries his wife's head in his garden (attracting the dog next door) while he dumps the wife's other parts in the East River. Then he must kill the dog (and idiotically not hide the body) and dig up said wife's head. Afterward he cleans his wife's blood out of the suitcases, again with maximum room lighting and windows wide open for Stewart to observe.
Meanwhile, back in Stewart's apartment, Thelma Ritter plays nurse and gives Stewart daily back massages and cooks him three meals a day. I'm assuming she must assist him with his personal hygiene since he's so helpless, and I thank God we didn't have to witness that. I mean, he's had a simple leg cast for seven weeks and he can't even use crutches. He can't even manage to get himself a glass of water. Stewart must have one great insurance plan. Way better than mine, for sure.
Finally as the plot nears completion, Kelly enters Burr's second story apartment, which has all the lights on, by climbing a trellace and stepping across through his completely open windows (in her ball gown and heels...and not one of the two dozen neighbors notice). BTW, she could have just used the fire escape which inexplicably is fixed (unlike a real fire escape) and extends all the way to the ground (a set design mistake, it invites burglary). On top of that, every single building in the area seems to have no security doors whatsoever.
Finally Burr gets wise to Stewart's spying because Stewart yells across the courtyard, and Burr goes to Stewart's apartment to confront him. Stewart is so inept he can't even get to his apartment door to lock it. All he does is be a feeb and retreat to the corner of his two room loft. So Burr enters with no effort and Stewart delays his attack with the most stupid method... by using a bright flash bulb or two to blind Burr. Burr then tries to kill Stewart by pushing him out his second story window (of course, wide open, no pesky pane of glass) in plain sight of several police officers. Guaranteeing his capture and guilt.
In Stewart's fall from the window, with three or four people there to catch him, Stewart manages to break his other leg. Grace Kelly sticks around pretending to read adventure books in glamorous clothing. Virtually nothing unexpected happens in the entire movie. Given Hitchcock's skills and reputation, this whole affair is quite lame.
Naked and Afraid: Lord of the Rats (2015)
Rats!...or coconuts and bananas.
Darren and Angela made a pretty good team, despite Angela getting weirded out because Darren relished killing rats for food and Angela being vegetarian.
Darren didn't lose much weight, Angela moreso. She seemed to resent him but really showed her mettle where she went and saved him during the ocean swimming extraction. Very classy move.
I think they really respect each other, but I don't see them becoming friends.
A Quiet Place (2018)
90 minutes of tripe
This is a boring hour and a half of a family trying to be quiet. I didn't care about whether anyone survived because all they did was behave stupidly the entire show. The premise was preposterous, there was no attention given to how the apocalypse occured, how these sightless monsters decimated human life, eliminated standing armies, etc.
We're supposed to believe this family got by with whispering. Yet, somehow they managed to procure a million sacks of white sand and deliver it and use it to cover miles and miles of paths without making a sound? They got that done and the only weapon they scraped up in the meantime was one shotgun?
Then, somehow, without any humans to operate it, the power grid is totally up and running. And without any worries about that, the family runs hundreds of electric bulbs, even outdoors, red bulbs no less for no apparent reason other than to look good on screen.
Yet when it comes to their sound proof room, with no ventilation, they don't even bother to run an extension cord in to operate a single bulb. They instead burn candles to make their lives an even worse living hell with smoke in an almost airtight enclosed space.
Shall we discuss the ridiculous silo scene? The kids fall into dried field corn kernels and sink into it like its quicksand. What??? Then, somehow the silo roof door falls off its incredibly strong hinges, so they can use it as a raft to escape the quicksand effect. Then, right after they escape the supposed corn quicksand by clambering on to the fallen door, a monster scratches its way thru the solid steel wall of the silo in like two seconds and attacks the kids. What do they do? They clamber under the door for protection. Do they sink into the corn now? Of course not, corn isn't quicksand the second time. Everyone knows that. So, the monster moves on the kids basically walk across the corn and escape.🙄
In another scene there's a broken water pipe that floods the entire basement with a foot of water. A monster is face to face with Blunt but cannot hear her so she survives. Ten minutes later that flooded room is dry as a bone and with no explanation the broken pipe was ever repaired so it is irrelevant.
The deaf daughter is one of the least likely individuals to survive. She wouldn't be able to hear if she was making noise, so she would be picked off first. And then the idea that she would be the one to discover the hearing aid feedback loop is laughable.
Then the whole baby business. Give me a break. And how is the corn being planted? Or harvested? They never seem to eat, but its obvious they would be surviving on canned goods. How do they open all the cans silently?
Then Krasinsky commits "suicide by monster" to save his kids, instead of doing any simple thing other than yelling and standing still. He could just toss the axe ten feet away and not die. So he dies, stupidly, which accomplishes nothing because the kids don't escape.
Then the final scene where Emily Blunt takes FOREVER to shoot the monster in the head with a shotgun, killing it with one shot... Leaving us to wonder how these creatures destroyed every military-industrial complex on the planet.
To make matters worse, Emily Blunt has lost her husband and at least one child in the last 24 hours, given birth in a bathtub, and she's all 'lock and load' attitude with her shotgun to end the film.
I could literally list another hundred idiotic things in this movie, but I don't feel that I should spend more time on my critique than the writers spent on the lazy script.
If you want to watch a movie about people being hunted by sightless monsters, see any of the Tremors movies. At least those films are fun.
If you want to see weird noises disable aliens, watch the wonderful Twilight Zone episode from 1962 where Andy Devine plays the character Frisby and escapes due to his harmonica.
Back to this trainwreck A Quiet Place. I will never willfully watch it again. It is dreadful.
Now I see that the sequel, A Quiet Place II, is to be released in May 2021. God help us.
Arctic (2018)
The Arctic has no rocks
Antarctica is a continent. The Arctic is an ice cap. So if you start your movie expecting me to ride along on the idea that this survivor in the arctic is walking in the midst of giant rock formations, you lost me in the first five minutes. Neither the quality of the acting nor the cinematograghy matters after that.
Garden of Evil (1954)
Wooden acting from beginning to end
I watched this movie for the fourth or fifth time today, and I don't think I can bear to watch it ever again.
Most all the acting is melodramatic, or cliched, or just plain wooden. Take your pick. Most of the dialogue is hokey and semi-nonsensical throughout the entire film, and Susan Hayward, Gary Cooper, and Richard Widmark try, but can't save the awful script.
I spent the last 45 minutes checking my watch to see when this dreadful thing would end and I could enjoy the credits.
Kudos for some nice cinematography.
Everest (2015)
Quit doing this
The storyline of people climbing mountains and needing rescue is worn out. Do anything else. Maybe removing the actual garbage these teams leave on Everest would make a better film.
Night School (2018)
What did you expect? Its more Hart stupid.
It stars Kevin Hart, what else yo wanna know? I'm getting sick of trying to meet minimum standards in my movie reviews when Hart's standards in making movies are cesspool level. To Hell with him.
Get Hard (2015)
Hart is awful
Why does anyone cast this hyper unfunny Kevin Hart. He ruins every scene in which he appears.
BlacKkKlansman (2018)
Gosh how predictable
Every white man was an idiotic cliche. After an hour I switched channels.
Change of Habit (1969)
Elvis proves he can't be a doctor
Finally, Elvis gets a role where he's supposed to be serious, and he's not up to it. Pretends to be a medical doctor while dressed in white pants and tight satin shirts. I only watched this because it featured Mary Tyler Moore.
Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
Celebrate the underdog
I really love this movie. It doesn't ask anything more than you just relax and put away your pretenses for an hour or so. The characters depicted become lovable and one ought try to see it as it is. All the characters really try mostly to get along under interesting real life circumstances, without predictable gag humor, and if you can't find any commonality or humor in what happens throughout this very nice film, I feel badly for you. Every time I watch it I feel better about humanity.