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Reviews
Starwoids (2001)
May the Fans be with you...
STAR WOIDS
EPISODE I THE FANDOM MENACE
I saw this Friday, August 17th in Seattle, along with many fellow "Seattle Star Wars" members. The film was much longer than I expected (which is for the best), and full of interesting stuff, always delivered in a light-hearted, good-humored manner. Perhaps my favorite scene was a priest saying--and I quote--Star Wars is "Cool". I hear so many religious comparisons to Star Wars, but I don't think it's accurate, save that people like to have a mythology, and for our generation, it's Lucas' mythology, and boy do we EVER love it--42 days in line? I'm a fan, but not that die-hard. However, as much as one might have reservations about this film being anything other than a lengthy report on a few people "with no life", it's actually quite different--it's a film about what people like to believe in, what they DO believe in, and I gotta tell ya--I never thought that a 42-day wait simply for a movie would be so inspiring! But it's not just about the line for Phantom Menace, but also about Star Wars fans in all their incarnations, about humans worldwide having fun, and looking ahead to having more fun to come.
And it just wouldn't be polite to write this review without one honorable mention--Katie (I won't use her last name for privacy's sake), member of the "Road Squadron", the coolest car piloted by the coolest person, right here in Seattle (if you see the movie, you'll see her). Hi Katie!
Yes, Star Wars fans are fun, fun people. We may menace the sidewalk, attack the traffic, give new hope to the local food vendors, strike back at the Trekkies and return for Episode II, but we're just having fun, as this film shows. Go see it, all the better with a good crowd, or, as I like to say, "May the Fans be with you..."
Dungeons & Dragons (2000)
Missed opportunity
Okay, fantasy has never done well in cinema for some reason, probably because it's always done tongue-in-cheek. That will undoubtably change with the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, but for now, let us focus on Dungeons & Dragons.
As a lifelong fan of the game, I had long known a movie was in the works, but even five years ago when I read the plot outline (the script was being worked on for ten years), I was disappointed. Main heroes--thieves? Politics? More and more it sounded like the less-than-imaginative, coorporate mentality of D&D in the 90s rather than the classic mythos of the 70s and 80s that made it great (al la, when Gygax was still with TSR).
Well, I would give the movie the benefit of the doubt, and we geeks and lunatics went on opening night in full costume to mark this long awaited event. Credit where it's due, the movie's relatively small ($33 million) budget did turn out good production values, including a wide variety of beautiful, very D&D-like sets, costumes, and special effects. However, the movie was crippled beyond hope by the script and acting. Yes, the plot was imaginative, but you think with TEN YEARS of development one would have realized and fixed all the plot holes, the biggest of which was the fact that, in the end, the "heroes" accomplished absolutely nothing! All they did was spend the entire movie tracking down a rod that controls dragons, only to end up giving it to the villain, making him stronger than ever, and then the princess he oh-so feared whips him anyway, probably (and off camera of course) to Thorna BITCH at the "heroes" afterwards--"Thanks for making my job tougher, guys!"
The acting was atrocious. I know this game was targeted at teens who play the game, but it felt TOO MUCH like a game. You would think that moviemakers would have learned from such fiascos as Super Mario Bros and Double Dragon that, in order to turn a game into a film, it needs to take itself seriously. Jay Jar Wayans could have been left out, the Princess (Thorna Birch) could have tried to be something other than a piece of cardboard, and the other characters could have actually been there to do something. Back to the fault in the script, isn't the main concept of D&D an adventure PARTY? But in this movie, it's always a lone hero going forward while the rest of the party hangs in the back. Well, that along with the empty ending, I guess, accidentily, they DID make a movie that plays like a D&D game of today. Hmmmm...
If you approach this movie as a campy, "popcorn" movie, then it's a surprisingly good treat, eye-candy mostly. However, if you have any love or passion for D&D, any desire to be thrust into a fantasy world, or any hope of a gripping adventure, then try to avoid this movie as much as a modern D&D adventurer avoids danger.
Given the rich mythology of D&D developed over the last twenty five years, the countless worlds and countless possibilities for storylines, it seems that a script ten years in the making ended up with the most politically correct (gahhhh), Star Wars-like, cheesy, save-the-world scenario possible, which, of course, is totally against the spirit of the D&D game. Now, for a few nit-pickin's:
1) No fighter. Given D&D's "Conan" roots, you'd think there would be at least one fighter in the party, but there wasn't.
2) The dwarf. He was almost as tall as everybody else. Although he played a dwarf rather well (given the stereotypes), he just wasn't "dwarven".
3) Stolen scenes. Mostly from Star Wars.
Oh well. Actually, an official D&D movie was never a good idea, because the whole of D&D mythology could not be compressed into one movie, or even an entire series of movies. We're better off enjoying cinematic treats like Conan, Willow, and Lord of the Rings, and re-living their mythologies in the D&D world. That said, look for the Lord of the Rings to completely change moviegoer's views on fantasy, and finally establish the genre. Forget George and Jar Jar--LOTR is the Trilogy worth waiting for!
I'm still a fan of D&D, even if they've totally lost their way.
Cutthroat Island (1995)
Hang the critics!
What determines a movie's quality? It's ticket sales? What the critics say? How many Academy Awards it receives? Well, most people think ALL of the above is true, but, in fact, NONE of it is true, as is evidenced by this film. It's a pirate movie, plain and simple. A pirate movie is supposed to be unrealistic, campy fun. After all, Errol Flynn is classic, and he portrays PIRATES as romantic heroes--so, first off, if you want realism, consider the genre. Okay, now into the film. As a moviegoer, film student and someone with a brain, I can safely say that this is a fine film! To break it down: The score is absolutely fantastic, and I know this will sound sacreligious to some, but on par with Star Wars. Lust listen to the CD sometime. The film is beautifully photographed, the costumes are exquisite, the sets marvelous to behold, and believe it or not it's probably the most accurate pirate movie technically speaking (no rapiers here, but brutal, no-skill cutlass brawling, pirate terminology, dress, and even the way they open rum bottles!). But, if it's so good, why did it bomb? Unfortunately, there is one thing wrong with this movie--it's own production values. With the actors surrounded by such lavish sets and special effects, you feel you ARE IN the Caribbean, and so you want to it be realistic, but, as I said, it's a pirate movie, and stays campy. Now, this uneasy feeling you have when watching it gets compounded by the slightest slip-up, and, like any movie, there are many. However, if you can just keep in mind that it's supposed to be fun, free-spirited adventure, you'll have a great time! But I must, in all honesty, point out some really "bad" parts of the film: First, the monkey and the cabin boy are way too "Disneyesque", and in fact never contribute to the plot, but rather than try to look cute, and come off as annoying (heck, the monkey in Raiders of the Lost Ark did more than most villains ever do). There are a few "no brainers" that subtly but powerfully make you want to dislike the movie (like when they leave the cliffs so as not to be seen and thus not let Morgan be found but leave the ropes there anyway, or when they all hide in a bush ten feet away from a guy and aren't seen). But what it all comes down to is that this was still an enjoyable film, and would have done very well if the critics didn't program people into believing it was bad to begin with. This film is proof that critics have finally succeeded in deluding peoples' minds so much that they have no opinion of their own, and simply go with the popular concensus (usually made from heresay more than experience). The pirate genre is relatively new to this generation, so people didn't know what to expect, and so, rather than giving the film a fair shake, the critics assaulted it (I guess they had to meet their quota of negativity and dirt, and Cutthroat was their scapegoat). Well, you know, Disney's Fantsia flopped when it came out to, no studio wanted Forrest Gump, and Star Wars was made almost on an accident, so, who is to say what is quality and what isn't? I say if you enjoy the movie (as I did) just forget the critics and have a good time. This film is fun!
Highlander II: The Quickening (1991)
It's a disease!
There must be some sort of mental disease affecting those people who scripted this disgrace of a film, and it's spreading--reading through the comments on this film, I was shocked and nearly soiled myself to find that it had some SUPPORTERS! In other words, this movie is so bad it has actually convinced others that it is good! (that's the WRONG kind of magic). I waited--like so many others--five long years for a sequel to the original Highlander, and (like so many others) wanted to burn every copy of this disgrace in order to preserve the legacy of the first film. Just to name a few things wrong with this film: it tries to turn a FANTASY into a SCI-FI, it has more plot holes than even critics can find, it's completely inconsistant with the first film, the acting sucks, the scripting sucks, the music sucks, the fight scenes suck, the special effects aren't so special, and there are still even MORE inconsistencies with the original! My heart goes out to Sean Connery, who was contractually obligated to do this "sequel". And as for anyone whose mind is afflicted by the terrible "No, there are actually good points about this film" disease, my heart goes out to you too.