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Reviews
Wild Cherry (2009)
A Chunk of What's Left of My Soul ...
... has been sucked out by this mess of a film. I've seen Tania Raymonde in more recent projects and feel she's an underrated and deserving actress. So yeah, I went into this one blind (never a good move unless you dont mind losing 2 hours of your remaining existence), and I paid dearly for doing so.
It started out with, well, at least a shred of promise that it was going somewhere. Yeah, somewhere - that it did.
This went down the old, tired, formulaic trail of raunch where these writers and directors targeting a young audience seem to inevitably go. You know, everyone's doing it by 16 or 17, probably many times with multiple partners -- so why arent you? And whats wrong with you that you dont want random, reckless sex - whenever, wherever, however? None of it will matter after high school anyway, right? Potential partner has no redeeming qualities, has no clue about making mature decisions or what a purposeful life is about? No worries, no problemo. No real life consequences to worry about, yeah, so just go for it!
In lieu of the Me Too movement of a few years ago, does any of this cause us to give pause and ask why Hollyweird is so intent on littering the landscape with these messages?
The *only* - and I do mean only - semi-redeeming thing in this film is Rob Schneider. He tries valiantly with what little he has to work with. The salad scene gave me a hearty laugh. But really, the writing is gosh awful, throughout, the scenes get increasingly deplorable, and by an hour through, you know there will be not a single thing worth taking or remembering from this wreck. Oh, and gee, let's throw in the "big game" at the end (gee, wonder how that will turn out?) involving absolutely zero characters this film has given you one reason to root for.
Note to scriptwriters - more in your face crude doesnt equal funny or entertaining. I dont know where the career paths of the dimwits responsible for Wild Cherry have gone in the decade and a half since, but I wouldnt hold hope that they took a step up from here. To anyone who gave Cherry more than 2 stars, you seriously need to discover what a true quality film of value is. Some value, any value. This one isnt it.
Dream a Little Dream (1989)
One Massively Disjointed Train Wreck. I'll Get Off Here, Please.
Oh where to begin ...
Let's take the absurdity of the premise and put it aside. A well written film could maybe at least get us to suspend our beliefs for 2 hours and run with it.
This isnt a well written film.
Ahh yes, the two Coreys. You can love them, or not. I'll never get the appeal or the attraction. At least here, they come off as obnoxious and mightily impressed with themselves. But they were still young, and just riding the fame train.
Haim is ... in this film why? Oh yes, for the insufferable melodrama. And to convince kids its cool to smoke. There is nothing memorable about him you'd take away 10 minutes after a viewing.
The Joel character is the self-absorbed narcissistic puke everyone had to deal with in high school. He was unlikable from his first scene, before he spoke a word. Supposed to be? Yeah. But not in a way that makes you hate every moment he's on screen. You dont care if he gets his comeuppance, you just want him to be gone from your line of vision.
The whole Robards/Laurie TM mantra hoodoo just made you feel like they were on a perpetual acid trip, and ready for the retirement home. Its hard to imagine such talented actors being so desperate for work that they took on these roles.
Susan Blakely as the mother of the decade. Take another pill, Mom, that'll make things better. Or for added kicks, drug your kid.
Then there's Feldman as our 'star' with whom we're supposed to identify, I guess. Let's be real, his 100+ minute Michael J wannabe persona, after all that came to pass in the years to follow, just took that whole shtick to an entirely new level of creep. And Corey, youre not that charming, nor not that great an actor. But again, I give you a partial pass because of the horrible writing, editing, and pacing of this mess.
The harsh language was supposed to make these guys appear cool. It didnt. It made the film {if possible} that much more dreadful.
And then there's the ending that was a total head scratcher. I wonder how many left the theater wondering what they just witnessed. The dialogue was so poor, there's zero chemistry to be found.
Meredith Salinger was adorable and appealing, she deserved better here, but she was given nothing to work with. She's the only reason this mess gets a 2.
To those of you who rated this higher than a 5, you really need to get acquainted with films of higher quality.
Now how do I get these 2 hours of my life back?
Two and a Half Men: Prostitutes and Gelato (2007)
Hugo's Nuts
The wonders of telly in the 2000s. You get 'manly' banter at a urinal. You get 'daddy' gifting hookers to his non-sons in Vegas. There's the joy of Mom brazenly sharing her sex life with her boys. And there's the thrill of Charlie doing an up robe on Hugo.
Such fun.
As a fan of Mannix, I found this merely to see the final acting role of Mike Connors. Checking in, Mike was in his early 80s here, looked good and sounded great, but he only had a few lines at the end of the episode, which was more about Mom's romance with Teddy {Robert Wagner}.
Sadly, Mike left us in early 2017 at the age of 91. Wagner last acted in NCIS, but does have a part in the upcoming film "The Trouble {With Billy}."
Criminal Minds: The Thirteenth Step (2011)
Bonnie & Clyde meets Natural Born Killers
This episode was another "step" in the increasingly ramped up violence of Criminal Minds. By this time it had seemed to be more violence for shock value than to carry a good story.
The reality with television is after a 4th or 5th season its a challenge to keep a show's creative force up to speed. As you look at many dramas by this point you'll see a pattern of a few solid story lines {usually at the beginning and end of each season, and during sweeps months} surrounded by many that are far less memorable. It has been no different with CM.
The only two reasons this one gets a "6" for me: First, the actress who played Syd. She was absolutely phenomenal in her portrayal and raised the bar with her performance, I cant imagine anyone doing it better than Adrianne did it, she really nailed it. As far as I can recall, this was my first encounter with her work.
The second? I have worked with abuse victims, and can attest that the damage inflicted upon them is severe, and can lead to a myriad of bad outcomes, both for them personally, and for the lives they impact. Only a deep and genuine healing from those psychological scars can bring a lasting hope.
Dexter: A Beautiful Day (2013)
Season 8
Hollywood script writers/developer's love of the dark hero/antihero. It became a hit theme with The Crow and "dark Batman" and so forth in the 90s, and by the time Dexter came along, it seemed everything beyond it was no longer in the thought process for any script development.
Whatever you thought of Dexter for its early seasons, you could feel it slipping away by season 7, and for this final season, it became evident the series had overstayed its welcome. The writers seemed to be throwing darts blindly for potential plot points at random, and "yeah, that could work, let's go for it." The entire premise of Dexter Morgan's character and "code" had eroded by S7, and the series was now hurtling recklessly toward what has been dubbed one of the most disappointing series finales of all time.
It was always a stretch, to put it mildly, to reason Dexter would worm his way out of most of the messes he had been written into. But of course he had to escape without repercussion, he's the lead dude, right? But the morph from the end of S7 to the start of S8 {"6 months had passed"} was inept and absurd.
Characters are just lost here. Past development now leads to nothing. Batista seems a mere shell of himself. Joey is a cardboard cutout, standing around in scenes with nothing to do. Jamie, one of the few remaining likeable characters, we dont know what to do with her either, so hey, lets have her and Joey doing the bedroom bump every 20 minutes. Lazy and weak.
Charlotte Rampling was an accomplished actress but this story line with her materializing from Dex's past seemed very ill conceived. And Debra, whose foul mouth became tiresome before season 1 had ended, now a train wreck, has lost all her appeal. Really there was - by this final season - no one to care about.
I suppose if Dex had gotten his comeuppance or they had explored more intrigue in that direction, an 8th season might have been worth a look. Instead, it was just confirmation that the show was, by S8, about as fascinating as that old drunk on the park bench: Rancid, unappealing, and best avoided.
The Wolf of Wall Street (2013)
Excess Doesnt Equate to Exhilaration
Ahh, America. What a country, yes? Isnt it refreshing to know we can produce such stellar specimens as a Jordan Belfart to roam free in our midst?
The "true" story of Belfart and his meteoric rise and fall in the world of money trading has immeasurable numbers of victims in its quake. Not only as he lived it, but since then for the uninitiated viewer of "Wolf."
No doubt Scorcese and DeCaprio and anyone else attached to this overblown piece of bile received praise and accolades up the wazoo for their respective efforts in "Wolf."
DeCaprio's finest work? Should we care? Watching him run around in a 3 hour drug induced profane laden frenzy like a bullet train on a 90 degree downward slope with no brakes was not, nor will ever be, anywhere near my ideal of entertainment.
As for Scorcese. Some are saying "this is Marty at his best." God help us to envision there might be 2 or more levels of "worse." Ramping up every aspect visually - more vulgarity, more graphic mindless sex, more uncontrolled random depravity without a sense of conscience - sorry, it doesnt add up to "more is better." Its like watching a group of "adults" who were locked in a cage at age three for 20 years with no healthy socialization, who were then suddenly released upon society. It merely leads to relentless doses of repulsive excess that leaves you more than exhausted long before its concluding scenes.
Really, if you want to be drained of the last drips of hope for your kids, grand kids, and every future generation beyond, embrace the Belfart express. He's everything wrong with society wrapped messily in one package. Still no doubt the book deals, speaking engagements, etc, have rolled in since his prison released, because we love rewarding our depraved.
Congrats, Marty, it wasnt an easy task, but you've managed to take top honors for the most insipid film, devoid of substance, ever viewed by this reviewer. No amount of a visually enchanting Margot Robbie was ever going to save this one. Now excuse me while I try to discover a way to flush it entirely from memory.
Fresh (2022)
Masochistic Nihilistic Narcissitic Cannibals, This One's For You
In 2022, these are the levels of depravity we've reached - sunk to - that we now pass off as entertainment. If you are "entertained" by this sadistic freak show (and that it is on so many levels) you may have reached plateaus of debauchery you never imagined possible.
And if you defend it, then you're quite possibly well beyond hope. Were it were possible to give 'Fresh' negative 87 stars, I would do so. Giving it a '1' feels massively disrespectful to all the other "1's" in movie universe.
Everyone involved in this project, top to bottom, should have a queasy sensation deep in their soul that lingers for years. Bon Appétit!
The Neon Demon (2016)
Pure Bile, Plus a Few Other Disturbing Bodily Functions
Imagine staring at a blank, dark wall and watching it for, say, 22 minutes. Nothing happens, but you keep staring. Imagine further slowing it all down to quarter speed. Now you have 88 minutes of - not a thing. Yet for some reason you cant turn away, even when that reason is a total mystery to you. Of course, if youre into the macabre, the stomach turning dreck purely for shock value, hang on past those first 88. This may be for you.
You can try to dig into the surreal, for a message in the symbolism, through all the atmospheric layouts where they tried so hard in the relentless meandering to find a message worth holding onto. Dig deep, deeper. It isnt there.
There are no characters to hold onto in this one, no dialogue worth remembering, next to no character development. It didnt matter enough to the scriptwriter{s} or director to bother. Its all a "nothing is something" nearly 2 hour attempt at slo-mo MTV style visual eye candy. But this candy is ultra sour, and the after taste will take a long time to get out of your mouth - and head.
Maybe the only message worth saving here is that the modeling industry - and entertainment industry in general - are saturated with sleazy dirt bags with vacant stares and empty souls. From the first moment you step into it, its all about what they can gain from you, until they suck you dry and leave you for dust. Its really telling that films of this type are made regularly, but everyone is in self-denial that they are one of the sleaze bags responsible for the aftermath. The truth is, like with this film, you'd be wise to stay far away. But if you find anything resembling entertainment value in this mess, God help you.