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Reviews
Van Helsing (2004)
The best bad movie you will ever see
First of all:
This movie is cheesy as hell so don't expect a great film when you watch it.
BUT - it may be objectively bad but subjectively it's the best movie you will ever see. It's stupid - incredibly stupid to say the least but damn is it entertaining. The story is completly nonsense, the dialogue is horrendous and the acting is totally exaggerated. Anyway the creature design is awesome, the effects didn't age that well but they still look cool and the absurdity of the story and the dialogue makes this an unforgettable experience.
It's hard to review this movie since it's an experience you need to witness for yourself but let me tell you that all the bad elements mixed together created a film that is both ridiculous and perfect.
Van Helsing isn't a movie you can read about - you have to feel it.
Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022)
Not a rebirth but a rotten afterbirth
I hate EVERYTHING about this movie! I didn't think that another sequel couldn't be worse than the 3rd movie. God was I wrong...
This is probably one of the most aweful movies I ever saw. Horrible special effects. The most basic scenes (like characters sitting in a car talking) where filmed in front of a very obvious green screen and the CGI in general is atrocious! The acting is laughably bad, the make up of the Creeper looks so much worse than in the first movie which came out 20 years ago!!!
And don't get me started on all the plot holes because this film is just FILLED with it. The Creeper doesn't even try to scare people he just straight up kills them. Everything that could've been made wrong was made wrong. I hate it.
The only good thing about this movie is that I got the ultimate proof for my best friend's love for me because she saw it with me although she already saw it just because I was so hyped and she wanted to be with me when I watch it because I asked her to. A greater sacrifice has never been made!
Do Revenge (2022)
Started off as fun and ended on a very questionable moral
First of all: This movie is very cheesy and I kind of liked that. It really captured the vibes of the movies it pays homage to. The dialogue and the acting are both pretty weak and over the top at times but I still enjoyed myself.
I really liked the little twist that starts off the third act revealing Eleanor as this damaged revenge thirsty bitch and I thought that was great. But unfortunately that's when the movie took a very problematic turn in it's moral.
The end of the movie basically leaves you with the message that it's okay to destroy other people's lifes ... as long as you're a female. I mean neither Eleanor nor Drea have to face actual consequences for what they did. Sure that Max was an asshole and he deserved the hate he got. What bothers me is that he is the only one who actually pays for all his wrongdoings.
Drea and Eleanor drugged a bunch of stundents - no consequences. They leaked privat messages that exposed an asshole but also a lot of other people (who may haven't been all that innocent themself but still a pretty toxic action) - no consequences. They made a girl who laughed about Drea's video (like basically everyone else) look like a drug addict and completely ruined her future, sending her to therapy and literally destroyed her - no consequences. Drea crushed Eleanor's self esteem and accused her of being a predator sending her to years of therapy - no consequences (at least none that lasted very long).
After all this stuff Max really looks like the nice guy here but in the end he's the big baddie of course. While Drea and Eleanor live happily ever after. Eleanor gets her girl back for whatever reason, Drea gets her boy back although she destroyed the life of a friend of him and drugged him. But all is forgiven because she wrote him a big I'M SORRY and that's it.
Drea even gets her chance back to go to her favorite college but to show the audience that she really changed she declines.
I really wish that this movie would've been more mature besides all it's cheesiness. It's not a movie you shouldn't take serious but treating all the toxic behaviour like it's something you just talk about to make it disappear (although they don't even talk about it with some people and still get out of their problems just fine) leaves a very bitter taste.
This movie could've been much better if our main characters actually would've face consequences for their actions but they didn't. Ironic, since this movie pays homage to Cruel Intentions and even features Sarah Michelle Gellar (best part of the movie btw) but the writers didn't seem to have understand the ending which actually shows the consequences for revenge and manipulation in a very good and profound way. If the ending of this movie would've been more inspired by Cruel Intentions it would've been so much better.
So in the end it's a fun movie with a big let down in the end and it's really sad because this movie really had more potential.
Nope (2022)
Jordan Peele goes H. P. Lovecraft
I loved Get Out and I hated Us so I was pretty excited for Jordan Peeles newest movie Nope. After the first negative reviews and the stupid title I was expecting another disappointment but I was pleasantly surprised.
For me it's definetly Jordan's creepiest movie to date, the atmosphere is captivating the whole time and I really liked that a lot of the horror scenes were happening in broad daylight. There is pretty gruesome stuff going on and the scene with Gordy the chimpanzee will probably haunt me for quite some time.
The main monster in this movie really caught me by surprise. What seems to be an U. F. O turns out to be an almost lovecraftian creature that doesn't abduct but eats all those that it sucks in. For some people this movie may seem all over the place and the big reveal is something you wouldn't expect but it all fits pretty good together. Sure there are some things I found questionable such as the fact that this organism is able to turn out every electrical equipement although it's supposed to be an animal. Also it's not quite clear how the main character realizes that the U. F. O is actually a creature as a whole.
The acting is pretty strong here and there are some nice themes about people trying to controle wild animals. There is some beautiful cinematography, the effects aren't all that great but they're not so bad that they would damage the movie itself. The structure of the film is pretty good aswell although I would say that it could've been shortened by about 10-20 minutes but I wasn't bored at least.
In general I would say that this may be my favorite movie by Jordan Peele and although I understand the criticism some people have with this movie I found it to be a very well made piece that really creeped me out.
Synecdoche, New York (2008)
You won't understand it but it will understand you!
Sometimes you have movies that simply exist to entertain you. Then we have movies that make us think because of their complicated nature. And then there's this piece.
Synecdoche New York is entertaining, it also makes you think but unlike any other movie I've watched it can't be understood. All you do is feel it. You can watch it many many times and each time you'll feel like you're watching a different film but even before you can only come close to getting it's content or themes it already understood you long ago.
It's a movie like no other, a movie that grows with you as you get older, changing it's appearence everytime you watch it and most importantly it looks deep inside your soul, revealing things about yourself that even you didn't know before.
Anatomie (2000)
German movies are rarely a pleasure to watch
I'm writing this as a german who is ashamed of most of the movies this country produces.
Almost everything about this movie is horrible. The characters aren't just flat, they're caricatures at best and their actions are so unnatural and ridiculous I cringed every minute. The dialogue is absolutely uninspired and often hilariously bad. Don't get me started on the acting. It was dreadful! The script wasn't a total waste but the execution was a disaster.
My tip: If you're going to watch this movie then try to enjoy it as an unintentional comedy because as a horror thriller it fails on every level.
The House of the Devil (2009)
Not a slow burn but a no burn
I really liked the idea of shooting this movie as if it was a forgotten gem from the 70s. It looks really good and the gritty cinematography gives off some creepy atmosphere.
There's one problem tho:
NOTHING happens! I mean there's literally nothing happening at all for most of the runtime. Our final girl is just chilling. She's not investigating, she's not feeling paranoid and there seems to be absolutely no threat at all.
I like a slow burn horror movie. I don't need jumpscares or action to be entertained or creeped out but things need to happen. There seems to be no plot at all. This story could work as a short film with a length of maybe 30 min but THAT'S IT! There isn't nearly enough story for this movie to be that long.
Although I really enjoyed the cinematography and the ending (even if that felt way too short) I can't rate this one higher than 3/10 because there's more plot going on in most porns.
Vortex (2021)
Unfortunately too long
I really wanted to like this movie. As a big Gaspar Noé fan I looked forward to watch this movie but it suffers from one of Gaspar's biggest flaws: Almost no story but loooots of running time. At least 1 hour could've been cut. Most of the time the characters don't seem to do anything. The subject is important but the way the story was handled makes it seem "uninteresting". There are very few conflicts and when they appear they are too subtle and almost non-existing. Maybe I'm blinded by the fact that Gaspar is a very scadalous director but he missed with this one.
Apart from the fact that there is not much content to justify the 2:22 h run time I kinda dislike the point of time the story takes place. From the very beginning everybody seems to have settled things already, they accepted the situation and every discussion or drama ends immediatly.
What I really liked was the way this movie was filmed. Especially in the end when you see that one part of the main character is absend.
Prayers for Bobby (2009)
A Child is listening
"Prayers for Bobby" is a very important movie that tells a still very relevant story. We've come a long way since then but the hatred against gay men sadly hasn't died out yet. 'God is Love' and if you are religious you should live by that! This isn't just the tragic story about a young boy who took his life, it's also a story about a woman, who overcomes the prejudice and hate that grew inside of her to become a good person. Religion shouldn't be a reason to make others feel miserable, it should be a guide to a better version of yourself and that's what this movie truely shows. It's not anti-religious or god forbit blasphemy. It's a message that contains gods true lessons for all of those who will follow him: Love.
Remember: It's too late for Bobby but not for all the other children crying in their beds at night because they feel hated, abandoned and alone. Don't be the person who spreads pain. Listen to this movie, hear it's lessons and be the person who spreads gods true message.