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An error has ocurred. Please try again[Note - some folks have pointed out that I have omitted such yawning pits of self-indulgent nothingness as _Titanic_ and _Avatar_. This is true. I have not seen those, and touch wood, I never will. This list comprises only movies I have been entrapped into seeing. Make your own list glubdammit.]
Reviews
Dinner in America (2020)
Hollywood used to do stuff like this 50 years ago - when they actually made films
Always a joy when low expectations yield joyous results. This is simply wonderful. Something to offend everyone. A junkie arsonist punk singer trashes a bunch of people's lives, encounters a socially stunted chick being bullied, wants to use her for his own ends, slowly discovers she is more like him than he realises and they fall in love. Zero sentimental crap and a bizarre happy ending.
This is close to zero budget and with a cast of no names. No requirement for explosions or car crashes. Well written script with real characters. Dripping with vicious sarcasm. Wonderful. More please. I loved this so much.
Hereditary (2018)
Yorgos Lanthimos contagion spreads
We've had _the Lobster_ and _Killing of a Sacred Deer_, both fine examples of Emperor's New Clothes film making. Where if you don't understand and say so you are an idiot and you should be socially shunned - despite the fact it is shameless incoherent crap masquerading as "art". Thank you critical theory and Frankfurt school..
This piece of crud is monkey see, monkey do. There is a fine cast here who deserve better. Utterly wasted on a mindless stream of consciousness exercise that no doubt won praise from film school geniuses.
End result as a viewer? I've just been urinated on by a bunch of charlatans. This is art house trash of the most insulting kind. A host of z-grade directors provide better entertainment on the smell of an oily rag and no need for Hollywood A-listers. This is garbage.
Bloodlust Zombies (2011)
Americans should be banned from making zombie flicks.
This genre was perfected and nailed down by the Italians decades ago. They were wise enough to know when a good thing is over.
America, on the other hand is stupid, and, like grease burgers, keeps churning it out whether you want it or not...
I was attracted to this by Alexis Texas. Not worth it. Pirate her porn flicks, much more entertaining.
This isn't even entertaining drunk viewing. Yeah you see some boobs. Ho hum. Over-acting isn't even over-acting, just dull. Splatter is equally dull. Why was this made? Someone got an idiot to fund it.
I had had more fun at funerals. Don't assume bad revues make this bad cinema "interesting". It's just crap.
Molly's Game (2017)
Authentic poker
This is very good and to be commended for showcasing poker, particularly Texas Hold 'Em, for exactly how it is.
Other Hollywood nonsense (see Casino Royale) fails spectacularly in this space.
I've met every character in this film at one time or other. The representation of a player going on "tilt" is pure perfect - whoever wrote this has seen it in real life.
Very gritty and very real. No unbelievable characters at all.
Only minor fault is no female players - they tend to be the real predators. Just candy here.
Well written, well executed, well played.
This will be overlooked as a niche market film, but if you dabble in poker, well worth your time.
American Pastoral (2016)
This is the most painful thing I have ever seen
There is no kabang or kablooey. This is how simple lives disintegrate. Ordinary people destroyed. A painful watch. But something you have to see. You are mom and dad - and your child gets things wrong. Justifying terrorism.
Yes I remember the weather underground. I remember how the stupid are harvested. This film hurts. It is so real. Well meaning parents and a child that is screwed up.
It is so subtle most viewers will switch off. But it analyses the problem we all face. Home grown lunacy. Your child. Are they an unexploded bomb? How liable are you?
This is brilliant and painful. Excruciating.
Mulholland Falls (1996)
Waste of talent and resources
Oh dear. Some reviewers have compared this to _LA Confidential_ - I want to assure people that this is like comparing a left over Big Mac from yesterday to a rib eye steak. This is one of those things so squirmingly awful that I watched it to the end out of morbid fascination to see how much stupider it could get.
First the dialogue - this is pure hackery on par with _The Room_. None of it works or comes even close to natural fluidity. The constant references to Chazz Palminteri's psychiatrist are irrelevant, trite and a desperate attempt at some kind of edgy cleverness that falls flat on its face. The rest is barely any better.
Then the story elements - exactly how do a bunch of plain clothes cops get to beat the crap out of FBI special agents and throw soldiers out of aeroplanes walk away from it all with no consequences?
Michael Madsen and Chris Penn are utterly wasted as background extras and why in the hell did John Malkovich get involved in this mess? On the plus side, the cars and the cinematography are pretty good, but that is the only positive.
This is a movie that should never have been made and stole resources from other potentially talented film makers. Just a another Hollywood sausage machine production. The sooner Hollywood implodes the better. Then maybe we can start making real films again.
Allegoria (2022)
There is an upside to this
Haven't seen it, but the makers need to be applauded for one thing - there is no flood of 10/10 spam shill comments from cast and crew members. Thus they show a level of dignity and integrity completely absent in most of their peers. Thankyou.
Who Is Amos Otis? (2020)
The pseudo-liberal pseudo-left and violence.
They've been justifying it a lot lately. The Antifa Handbook is a great example - thuggery, assault, arson and murder are all excused against the "right" target. This flick excuses political assassination. We are where we are. If you think this kind of statement is OK, then Western liberal democracy is a carcass.
Heal (2017)
Mumbo Jumbo Inc.
Next installment of mumbo jumbo that preys on the weak and vulnerable feeding them false hopes while bleeding their wallets. That Deepak Chopra is in it should be warning enough. These folks are parasites of the worst kind and this is little more than a self-serving infomercial. Don't watch if you have blood pressure issues.
The Bride of Frank (1996)
"I just want boobs"
Frank Meyer is the new Humphrey Bogart. Monosyllabic one liners to the characters around him he deems irrelevant. He is a man of simple tastes and a disdain for complication. He just is who he is. Deadpan and pure. This flick cannot be described. It is what it is. Cheap, nasty and pure. For gutter cinema aesthetes, it is gold.
Nightcrawler (2014)
Oh for a competent crew
This could have been a work of art in more skilled hands (like David Fincher). Instead it's a paint by numbers hack job that could have been a CSI teevee episode. Disappointing to say the least.
American Animals (2018)
This will be studied
Purely wonderful. They broke down the walls and sucked you down. Pure beauty.
Psychos (2017)
It is what it is
Lot of hate for this it seems, mostly justified. What you need to bear in mind though is that all involved are most likely hobbyists or budding film students with pocket money for a budget and going in watching it with high expectations is pretty dumb on your behalf. Points -
* Is it as bad as the rating suggests? Yeah, probably. Generally anything below 3 is a disaster area - I wouldn't quite slap that sticker on this though.
* Story and dialogue are incoherent - Well almost. Yeah the continuity and internal logic are somewhere in outer space, let alone in the ballpark. But the story does hold itself together enough for you to be able to predict the ending (done better repeatedly elsewhere) at about the half way mark, so "incoherent" is not entirely correct.
* They can't act or construct scenes - I agree, but at least the sound and video are fairly OK.
* The gore is laughable - Yes, but it is *micro*budget. It is laughable due to economics, not squeamishness. Not everyone can hire Olaf Ittenbach.
Seriously, if you don't expect anything from tripe like this in the first place, your life will be less painful. What I will say is I found this to be exactly what I needed to watch on my phone at 5am in bed with insomnia. Watched mindlessly in this state it is an acceptable distraction. There are plenty of other films that would just annoy the crap out of you in the same context. This didn't. It is what it is. Crap like this can be mildly enjoyable on occasion.
CBGB (2013)
so lovely
Not a documentary, a love letter. CBGB changed our world. Alan Rickman is perfect. The Ramones - wet your pants hysterical. This is pure beauty.
Nobody (2021)
Not quite Henry, but satisfying nonetheless
Hardcore Henry is impossible to live up to, but this still a zillion times better than Hollywood dreck like Fast and Furious. There is a little bit more story here and the action is not non-stop wall to wall. In its own way that's good, gives you time to breathe. Comparisons to John Wick should be ignored. Chalk and cheese. This is how this stuff should be done - no nonsense, glamour free action violence. Highly recommended.
Freedom in the Dark (2018)
Metal is universal
This is so lovely. Kalahari Desert - a desert. Kids have to make their own music. And metal is what they choose. Music transcends geography - angry music more so. A lovely snapshot of life on fringes you'll never see otherwise. Made by the Finnish. Of course.
Captain Fantastic (2016)
Cynicism 101
This is just pure Cynicism from 350 BCE. The most wonderful imagining of the ancient philosophy that so few understand. Diogenes would approve. I somehow doubt that the creators understood what they created. Very, very good.
The Room (2003)
Cult film for people who have no idea of actual cult films
Why this gets the attention it does is a mystery. I can only put it down to vapid hipster culture. No different to teeny boppers rushing from one boy band to another. Dumb insects attracted to flashing lights. One hipster told another hipster who then told two. Then four etc. Suddenly a "cult classic". If you want weird and bizarre, try _The Bold and the Beautiful_ when they had their demonic possession episode series which is infinitely more entertaining than this. Hipsters are a social cancer. This is evidence.
Family (2018)
This film is a unicorn...
... an almost all female production that never once stoops to saccharine schmaltz or tawdry sentimentality. It is in fact pretty grim, bleak and darkly amusing - a personality clash between a hollow, yuppie office career woman and a dysfunctional teen that finds Juggalodom (as opposed to jesus) - with a rewarding "happy" ending that is anything but Hollywood. Much like _Bad Santa_ or _Napoleon Dynamite_, the comedy is not spontaneous laugh-out-loud but only evident after with contemplation. It stands on equal footing with these gems. I loved this so much and all I can say is more please ladies. It's a keeper for repeat viewing.
Vaxxed: From Cover-Up to Catastrophe (2016)
What happens when people no longer remember polio or smallpox
Director: Andrew Wakefield - A "doctor" stripped of his credentials far too late in the piece who spent years experimenting on toddlers with lumbar punctures and chelation therapy to support unsupportable theories based on voodoo science and statistical psychedelia is taking a dive into documentary film making to spin some more money from his credulous and superstitious groupie-villagers.
This flick needs to be captioned with the logical fallacies being displayed at every step with which it presents its case. It is an A-Z - and at least it has value as such for students of fallacious reasoning. Beyond that, it needs a big red warning label and should be stripped of its "documentary" category.
Convict (2014)
Excruciatingly awful
Saw this on late night TV and only half watched it to the end because the only other channel alternatives were infomercials and televangelists. A shallow and vapid regurgitation of every prison film cliche you've ever seen without even a hint of imagination or style to perhaps give SOMETHING a fresh twist. There is nothing here beyond badly scripted foul language and wimpishly poor staged violence. Even some shower attempted gay rape scenes that would breeze into a PG rating. This is a fat blob of nothing and I am left wondering why it was ever funded or made. If you looked at the script on paper, perhaps it would have some potential as trash cinema if the material was pushed to visceral extremes - but it wasn't. It is too timid to do so and the end result is just a waste of resources, talent and time that were stolen from someone else's film project that could not possibly have ended up worse. It is an embarrassment. If it ever shows up on your late night viewing, go to bed with a book instead. You will thank me for it,
Female Trouble (1974)
This is John Waters' Magnum Opus
Everyone babbles about Pink Flamingos, which frankly is a 12yo with a super 8 camera just wanting to upset his parents. This on the other hand is a genuine film that has the same perverse black humor and carries itself from start to finish. The cha cha heels xmas scene is absolutely priceless, as is the "going away present". The filler between is equally good. This one is a keeper and a must see for those that flip off Waters as a juvenile crap monger. This is an actual film - as disgusting as hilarious and even has a comment or two about us. A must see.
The Evil Dead (1981)
The original and the best
This and Texas Chainsaw Massacre restarted modern horror. Both are landmark films. The followups not so. These are pure genius and a natural double feature. Evil Dead is pure fear on a first view, expert comedy on a revisit. Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness are lame and insulting. This is the one that rules them all.
Starsky & Hutch (2004)
Everything that is wrong with Hollywood in one package.
I am increasingly coming to the conclusion that the best thing that can happen to cinema is that Hollywood is utterly obliterated and to let new seeds sprout where they will so we can get back to the basic reason creators are here for - to make movies with free creativity and vision again, just like the Hollywood of the '70s did. Remove the chains from scriptwriters and directors and restore their absolute freedom of imagination back to the big screen.
This flick s simply awful and symptomatic of the rot Hollywood has fossilised itself in since Jaws and Star Wars introduced merchanising and the major studios came to believe that greed is the only good. I remember Starsky and Hutch from the '70s - it was one of the better teevee shows of its ilk, competently made and consistently entertaining. This thing just urinates on my memories, turning a semi-serious cop show into a bumbling buddy "comedy" of rehashed cliches and absolute disrespect for the source material. It seems that this, and only this, is what we can expect from Hollywood from here until the sun burns out. Trite, cliched rehashes of rehashes. Time to bulldoze it and start afresh. Hand the reigns to new directors, writers and actors. Let cinema bloom afresh.
Kingsman: The Golden Circle (2017)
Contender for worst sequel to brilliant original ever
Truly awful. My only upside to it is that I didn't pay to see it at cinema and caught it on teevee. This is an abomination and an embarrassment to all involved. This is a sequel that should have been drowned in a bucket the second it was conceived. Embarrassment, utter embarrassment. What you get -
* script on the level of bad fan fiction written by 12 year olds
* Julianna Moore humiliating herself with character written by same. Credit: she does as best she can with the garbage she was given
* Halle Berry doing only marginally better, by a coat of paint
* rest of stellar cast utterly wasted, fumbling as best they can
* only real source of amusement - Elton John. But even he wears thin with inept scripting by the end of the 140 minute run time
Consider this a franchise that destroyed itself by rushing utter garbage to market. Which is a crying shame.