Willow192 Reviews

The Princess Diaries (2001)

Classic "ugly duckling" story, only this one is devoid of any substance.

[3 January 2003]

Awkward teenage girl discovers an amazing secret about herself, is given makeover to reveal that underneath those glasses she's devastatingly beautiful, and gets the guy. Is it just me or have I seen this movie not once, not twice, but at least a thousand times in my mere 16 years of life?

This giant mistake of a film revolves around the film's protagonist, Mia Thermapolis (Anne Hathaway) whose entire existence depends on remaining invisible. With an exception of almost vomiting on an audience full of not so innocent spectators one can say that she's going a bang up job of it. That is until her long lost grandmother (Julie Andrews) pops up and reveals that Mia's father was the prince of a the nonexistent country of Genovia. For the simple purpose of there being a movie, Mia's father completely ignored the necessity of procreation to secure the family blood line and only had one daughter. And this makes Mia.get ready.princess of Genovia!

It turns out that her mother knew all along (how could she not), and thus Mia has a chance to throw a hissy fit. As you know, no movie of this caliber is complete without at least one of those. Ms. Thermapolis and Mia's father divorced when Mia was very young, and her mother thought it would be in her best interests to lead a normal life. You know, one where she lives in a firehouse, slides down a pole to get to the first floor, and occasionally throws darts at large boards covered in balloons filled with paint.

Mia's not too keen on being a princess, but she and her mother decide that Mia will test out the waters before she makes any major decisions. In turn, Mia finds herself taking lessons in princess etiquette, and finally getting some of that good old movie makeover magic that's the basis for the rest of the film. Enter the stereotypically flamboyant man to do the job. After gasping at just how bad Mia supposedly looks, he straightens her curly hair, ditches her glasses for contacts, tweezes her eyebrows into arched oblivion, and smothers her in makeup. In the end she doesn't look any prettier, just a lot less distinct.

The rest of the movie is just cotton candy flavored filler whose sole purpose is to make up the remaining 90 minutes of the film. Mia falls out of her chair. Mia can't put on pantyhose. The chauffer who seems to do everything except drive the limo gives Mia pep talk after pep talk Lana (Mandy Moore) terrorized the quiet kid with the oddly colored hair and Mia sticks up for him by dropping ice cream on her cheerleading uniform because as you know, all problems in Disney movies can be solved with a food fight.

Will Mia end up with the blonde, boy hand pinup (Erik Von Detten) that everyone but she can see through from the beginning of the movie? Or will she end up with the nice older brother (Robert Schwartzman) of her best friend Lily (Heather Matarazzo) whose attraction to her is made painfully obvious? Will the popular kids all of the sudden want to become her best friends only to stab her in the back, while her true friends rein supreme? Will Mia accept the crown at the end of the movie? If you don't know the answers to these questions before you even start watching the movie you were either born and are currently living under a very large rock, or one of the people who keep writing screenplays for movies like The Princess Diaries in hopes of enticing preadolescent girls across the globe.

Each character's actions are as hackneyed and predictable as the movie being viewed by the unsuspecting public. This fact alone may be the reason why not actor in this movie really shined, though potential is definitely evident. Anne Hathaway is cute and giddy without crossing the Meg Ryan line. I would have liked to see her make her on screen debut in a movie that doesn't involve her having to run into things and fall down for laughs. Julie Andrews unfortunately doesn't fair as well. I half expected her to burst into song or spin around on a hill like an escaped mental patient. At least it would have given her character some life.

Mandy Moore also makes her feature film debut playing the token nemesis of any hard working, ridiculed teenage girl; the not-so-nice cheerleader with the jock boyfriend, entourage of followers who want to be just like her, and no motive in sight. And no surprise to us, there's a little cheesy singing performance on the beach thrown in for no reason other than no singer/actress can be in a movie without showing off her pipes.

On the plus side there is a nice message about the meaning of true friendship and the rewards of remaining true to yourself. It will sit very well with the demographic audience of 12 and under. That audience will most likely enjoy The Princess Diaries. Too bad I can't say the same thing for myself.

With a "G" rating and the word "princess" in the title, I have to ask myself, what was I really expecting?

Sweet November (2001)

Makes me ashamed to be a female

[1 March 2002]

The only reason that the machine keeps spitting out movies like this is because little delicate woman flock in herds to go see them. There is a cute little puppy and the couple somehow gets split up and they feel sympathy for fictional characters put into unimaginative situations and their unbelievable love stories.

Nelson Moss (Reeves) is a business (the only thing that I can see Keanu selling is pizzas) man who lives in a pretty apartment and wears nice clothes. You already know that he's miserable because no businessman in a love story can be happy. So he thinks his life is great because he has a pretty car, but really his life is meaningless and empty.

Sarah is like a prostitute who does her work for free. The only thing that she wants in exchange for her sex (with complete strangers) is for them to come out of it happy. We know that Sarah herself is free spirited because she likes to run on the beach and save cute little puppies.

To top off the terrible script and direction, they decided to cast Keanu Reeves in a leading role. Watching Keanu try to act is like watching a car crash in slow motion. You have to hand it to Keanu though. Never have a seen an actor so closely resemble a deer in headlights. He appears to be trying very hard, but the poor thing will never get past the image that he has been provided, no matter how hard he tries. I was actually waiting for him to say `Surf's up dude!'

Charlize Theron is a perfect example of Hollywood not looking for talent. But who needs to be able to act if they have a pretty face. Lucky for her she was `acting' Keanu, who made her look like an Academy Award winning actress. Theron was completely miscast in her role because she comes off as being so inhibited, but she's playing a free spirit.

The ONLY thing that I enjoyed about this movie was Jason Issac's performance. He was so incredibly cute and funny as Chaz that I instantly fell in love with him. I would much rather have watched Jason standing in front of a white screen with his hands in his pockets. When he said `aye' to Keanu while standing in the doorway I just kind of melted onto the floor. The only problem that I had with his character was the fact that they pointlessly made him a transvestite. I would have no problem with this if it served a purpose other prying some cheap laughs out of ignorant people. It made it look like just because you're gay…you also have to cross dress. That's not right.

The funniest moment in the movie came when Norman and Sara are having passionate sex and Norman is really into it. Close up on Sara's face and she is looking bored staring at the camera.

`SPOILERS' AHEAD

I figured out the end just by watching the commercials. As soon as we discover that Sara has cancer, she has to be without makeup, looking really sick (all of the sudden), and crying in just about every single scene. I had a bet going with my sister that she was going to end up with cancer and then she would die at the end. Instead we got her walking away to go make up with her family (gag) and a blindfolded Keanu walking around aimlessly (looking the same as he does when he can see). I think the reason that she didn't die at the end was so that Keanu wouldn't have to try to cry in the movie. We all know that he wouldn't be able to pull that one off.

If you've seen one love story, you've seen them all. The original `Sweet November' had to have been better than this. The two actors and the original writer must be turning in their graves right now. Do yourself a favor and buy `Love Story' or `An Affair to Remember'.

Charlie's Angels (2000)

What a shame...

[27 February 2002]

After all of the hype surrounding the movie, you would think that it would be relatively decent. Well i'm sure as heck glad that I didn't actually waste my money to see this crap. All I got out of it was a bunch of T and A from some non talented little tramps.

My respect for Drew Barrymore has most definitely withered away to nothing from this movie. I never really liked Cameron Diaz or Lucy Lui. It's very difficult to stumble upon a movie in which none of the lead characters have any acting ability, but I surely chose a winner (or loser) with this film.

Sam Rockwell was very good in his role. I was actually rooting for him and only him throughout the whole movie. Luke Wilson is a pretty decent actor and fun to watch. He's so adorable that I want to pinch his cheeks and give him a balloon. Too bad I can't say the same for Tim Curry, whom I usually enjoy.

The soundtrack was awful. All of the song contained the word "Angel" in them, even though they didn't go well with the scene at all. If I saw another angel take off her helmet and swing her hair in slow motion, I would have punched the nearest person in the face. Don't forget the slow mo running scenes with everyone's everything jiggling everywhere. And those god awful matrix moves. Why does EVERYTHING have to look like The Matrix now?!

Take laughable acting, bad directing, a horrible script, slow motion hair flinging, the matrix, and TOM GREEN, and shove them into one movie, and you've got Charlie's Angels.

Pay It Forward (2000)

Pay It No Mind (People Magazine)

[3/10 · 30 January 2002]

* This comment contains major spoilers

I've already commented on this movie once before. But I watched this movie again recently and I felt as though my first comment really didn't go in depth about exactly how bad this movie is. I should have turned it off as soon as I got to that scene where Arlene smacks Trevor and instantly covers her mouth with her hands and rummages through the cupboards looking for her hidden vodka.

In my other review I said that I was looking forward to seeing the movie because Helen Hunt was such a good actress. I have no idea what I was talking about. Helen Hunt is one of the most overrated, overacting actresses in the business today. We know that she's an alcoholic because she has bleached blonde hair that never seems to be combed and a wardrobe that makes Erin Brokovich look like Princess Diana. Her appearance is so snobby to where seeing her as a trashy alcoholic is just plain ridiculous. And by the way…no one's bangs should move that much when they speak.

Kevin Spacey is a marvelous actor. It's a shame that he went from his Academy Award Winning role in ‘American Beauty' to this over dramatized piece of muck. He's the glue that held the whole movie together. He was given by far the worst lines in the movie but he managed not to chew the scenery. His performance was the only likeable one in the whole movie. This will no doubt haunt him for the rest of his life.

Haley Joel Osment is playing the same role as he does in every movie he's always a little boy who is pretty much raising his mother because she has her own problems. He is without a doubt a child acting prodigy. But after you see him cry for the 3rd time in a half an hour it just starts to get repetitive and annoying. No wonder his mom was an alcoholic. I don't drink but being around him day in and day out would make me want to hit the bottle as well. Oh and Osment gets to say his first sh*t in this movie. His mother must be so proud.

In the book, Eugene Simonet (Kevin Spacey) was supposed to be African American. But in the movie they hired Kevin Spacey and you all know what race he is. It seems as though this was a racist decision. Whoever was in charge of casting the movie declared that when they read the script they automatically though `Kevin Spacey'. When have you EVER seen Kevin Spacey play a whiney role such as he does here? The only black character in the movie has to be stabbed by his sister, carry a gun into a hospital, steal, and speak like a complete idiot. And then there are the kids who sneak knives into school and beat up Trevor's little asthmatic friend. Of course those kids have to dress like punks and look Hispanic.

Oh and then there's Bonnie, Arlene's sponsor. The woman who plays her should stick to animation (Pepper Ann). She bursts into her house talking about how you have to call your sponsor and seems to be caught up on her not being supposed to date for a year. It's strange to me that she's worried about her dating someone who doesn't drink but she has no objections to Arlene working in 2 bars. You know from the beginning that Bonnie's only real reason of being in the film is to ask Arlene `Are you in love with this man?' So that Arlene can reply `You know what? I think I am.'

Jon Bon Jovi leaves almost as soon as he gets there. He chews up the scenery however he is not a terrible actor. He is pretty good at being a drunken fool. Is it a coincidence? I don't know…

And then there's what it all boils down to: The Ending. The ending was just an excuse to make everyone cry so that their attention wasn't aimed at how bad the plot, acting, and direction was. Trevor tries to help his friend out and then he gets stabbed with a short knife in the lower right side of his abdomen. Now I'm not doctor, but as far as I know there are no valuable organs located in that region of the body. There is no reason for him to die on the operating table. Then the final scene with hundreds of cars gathering around a suburban house carrying candles and crying while a song calling Trevor an angel is playing in the background is nothing but propaganda.

I saw this movie with my mother in the theater and nearly everyone walked out of the movie crying. My mother and I were sitting there with a look of disgust on our faces. What they saw as beautiful dramatic cinema, my mother and I saw as a melodramatic bit of propaganda. I'm proud to say that not a drop fell from my eye.

This is one of those movies that prepubescent teenage girls watch at slumber parties to rid themselves of the everyday traumas of their middle school lives. Or else it's one of those movies that cynical teenagers such as myself watch with their equally as cynical best friends so that they can make fun of how terrible the movie is and feel better about themselves.

This movie has only two redeeming qualities. One is the always great Kevin Spacey. Another is a wonderful score by Thomas Newman. It is very similar to that of American Beauty, but hey who's complaining? Take my advice and go watch a blank tape. Paint your room magenta. Just don't waste valuable hours of your life watching this dreadful piece of human celluloid.

Brink! (1998 TV Movie)

I guess I'm pretty much alone on this one...

[30 January 2002]

Any movie with exclamation point in the title should be avoided. This is no exception. Disney's problem is that their casting is superficially based on appearances. They get people that they think will draw in a crowd or people that they think look right for the part rather than people that can do what actually needs to be done. In 'Double Teamed' they hired the two girls who because they were tall and blonde, even though they couldn't play basketball.

In this movie, none of the actors can really rollerblade and it's terribly obvious. All of the shots involving someone doing a trick of any kind, or skating down a hill are stunt doubles. Disney doesn't even try to hide it anymore.

None of the kids can really act too well. The movie is completely cheesy right down the way Christina Vadal's character will speak English and then add an "estsupido" in there just to show is that she's from Peru. It's a family movie, but whatever happened to family movies that actually had some depth and educational value?

Young Americans (2000)

A good show that shouldn't have been canceled

[16 January 2002]

This show was a breathe of fresh air to the dreadful WB lineup. It had it all, originality, good actors, and creativity. It's a shame that it was canceled because it was so much different from that pretentious crap that the WB plays (7th Heaven, Dawson's Creek). I don't know what the WB was thinking when the canceled it.

All of the actors actually had talent and I hope they go on to do great things. A standout was Katherine Moening as Jake. I've never seen the concept of a girl posing as a boy. This was very creative even though the reason for this was kind of lame. And then her and Hamilton's relationship was great because they had trouble of hiding it and everyone thought that they were gay.

I think the only summer show that actually survived was 90210. It's a shame that this show didn't do the same because it was actually good. 9 out of 10 stars.

My VH1 Music Awards (2001 TV Special)

Pretty good

[13 January 2002]

This awards show is was interesting from the start. The very talented and also extremely attractive host, Eric McCormack was hilarious. The opening scene where he was doing a spoof of the Elton John song "I Want Love" while burping babies and basting turkey had me laughing out loud. The performances by No Doubt, Mary J. Blige, and Nelly Furtado were very good.

There are only about 3 things that could have been better. We get the picture that the voting goes on until the moment that the winner is called. But when the winner was about to be revealed, they showed a little cursor closing the voting. It was ok the first 2 or 3 times but after that it just got annoying. Some of the jokes that the presenters told were really lame. I don't know if they were on the teleprompter or if they were ad-libbing. But if they were on the prompter, they need to adjust some of those.

X-Men: Evolution (2000–2003)

A disgrace to the original

[12 January 2002]

They took a good thing and then destroyed it. I'm pretty young but I've had the privilege of watching the original x men series and this show is an insult to Stan Lee and everyone else who took part in making the original. They managed to turn the show into a teeny bopper fest.

The weird thing about the show is that it's called X. Men Evolution. But they seem to be evolving backwards because now they are all high schoolers going to a a regular high school with tons of non mutants. But they still sleep in a dorm-like building together and get free food etc.

What also makes me angry about the series is that they destroyed a lot of once great characters. Rogue is now a whinny brat who barely uses her powers. She doesn't fly anymore or say her catch phrase "suga." Her accent also seems really fake and you can only hear it some of the time.

The Beast was also a great character but now he's a big dumb fool. His color is all wrong, and he's not even smart. I remember him being some kind of genius. Spike is also a shame. Why leave out better characters like Ace and Iceman and put in hackneyed cliche characters like Spike. He's the skater type with blonde...no...yellow hair and can shoot spikes out of himself. Shawdowcat has to be the one of the worst characters.

Well, the rest of the characters are also terrible, even the once great Wolverine. I don't understand why some of the people are teachers and some of them are students. And how does evolution make them younger? Storm is one of the only good characters left, yet we barely ever get to see her. Don't waste your time watching this show.

The in Crowd (2000)

Rick white kids with problems

[12 January 2002]

This movie could be submitted as proof of the inexistence of a merciful and loving God. The acting brings to mind the effect of a deer in headlights. The main characters couldn't even pull of the simple task of drinking water out of a cone shaped cup convincingly. I wonder how they even managed to learn their lines. The idea that your parents divorcing and your sister being the pretty popular one can lead you to insanity is an insult to my intelligence. Plenty of kids go through worse traumas and come out fine. If you're looking to see a movie with no plot, character development, horrible direction, even worse acting, but pretty faces and some brief moments of nudity…this is your movie. I give the movie a 1 out of 10. If I could give it a 0 out of 10 I would.

Moolah Beach (2001– )

Pretty watchable

[5 January 2002]

You know that really slow time for television on Thanksgiving break when you're stuck at your grandmother's house and all that's on is one specific show that happens to be having an all day marathon? Well, that's how I stumbled upon this rather unfortunate show.

The show, like many other reality shows, seems to be fixed. Everyone seems to be acting out a part and not with very much believability either. Is it just a coincidence that the one girl, whom everyone believed couldn't win because she was too prissy and girly at the beginning of the game, came back in the end and nearly won. It seems as if they want to teach kids a lesson here. Don't judge people and you can do whatever you want to do in life.

Another thing that was unnerving to me was the way that big statue of a tiki head put out the colored cube things. If the people in 1st place hate 10 makers, why wouldn't one color come out more than once. Did the creators of the show not think that we would notice?

If you look at it from a different perspective, this show has it all. Sex, lies betrayal. The whole thing with the blue team actually made me outraged. I felt so bad for them. And the way that everyone was crying after they did it made me angry. Even then their tears seemed fake.

This is no survivor because it's a couple of prissy teenagers on a beach running around in cute little bathing suits that happen to be their team colors (Might Morphin Power Rangers anyone). But I guess it's enjoyable to watch if there is nothing on. And if it's not enjoyable to watch, it's certainly enjoyable to slam later::smile::.

According to Jim (2001–2009)

Watch it for Jim

[5 January 2002]

This is one of a numerous array of TV sitcoms about families involving very popular movie stars. Most of them, however, will not last. You've seen what happened to 'Bette,' 'The Geena Davis Show,' and 'What About Joan?'. Everything on the show has been done before. There's nothing special here. The only reason that I can see it staying on the air is because Jim Belushi is incredibly hilarious and the little girls that play his daughters are adorable. I personally think that Courtney Thorne-Smith was a horrible choice because she isn't funny.

Stepsister from Planet Weird (2000 TV Movie)

Worst than all of the other pointless and shallow Disney Channel Original Movies

[5 January 2002]

Disney has a history of coming up with very shallow and meaningless plots for their movies. This movie is no acceptation. People are saying that this movie is some kind of example for kids that are getting a new step family. Well, what I saw was shallowness and selfishness.

By just looking at the title you can tell that the movie is destined to be a complete failure. Stepsister from the planet weird? It sounds like a 7 year old prissy princess came up with it.

Maybe no one else has noticed but all Disney movies have to do with some kind of sport. They have motocrossing, surfing, skiing, etc. Well, this one is based on windsurfing. The problem is that the actors are never the ones doing the sports. In this movie we get to see a numerous amount of frames shot behind the person so that we don't get to see the stunt double's face. Why go through all of the unnecessary shots when windsurfing has nothing to do with the movie?

Another problem that I had was the complete lack of depth to the movie. It makes it seem like all that "unpopular" kids want to do is be popular. There is nothing more to school than sitting at the "popular" table and being someone who you're really not.

So when Ariel comes into the school, everyone thinks that everything that she does is completely cool because she's so beautiful. She falls over the bike rack on her bike with a football helmet on...it's so cool! In turn everyone does it. Everyone dresses like her and tries to talk like her. If she were concidered unattractive do you think people would follow her the same way?

But the shallowness doesn't stop there. Megan has a crush on a complete airhead because she thinks that he's cute. That airhead has a crush on Ariel because he thinks she's cute.

The way in which they told the story was also poorly done. They spoke to us as if they were writing in a diary. If that's not bad enough, The director decided that he was going to switch the scenes by rewinding everything that had happened before. In turn we see the old scenes being fast forwarded, and then watch them again with another person's voice. And starting off by say "Dear Diary" didn't help much. We never even saw them writing in a diary. We don't even know if they have a diary.

The scenes involving the two aliens in bubbles are just pointless. The affects didn't even look anywhere near real. It also doesn't make sense. If they're from another planet, how could they obtain the body of a human, but still turn back into their old bubbly form? And why would they jump into a sink rather than a bathtub. Why would you do it in a public bathroom? And how would they speak English in their other planet either?

(Spoilers) Ariel devotes a lot of her time to contacting her boyfriend on her other planet because they were so in love. In turn, her boyfriend comes back with his father. He doesn't like Ariel anymore because he finds her unattractive. Then Megan comes in and he instantly falls in love with her. Does he not stop to think that his girlfriend put herself and her dad in grave danger to contact him because she loves him? He "likes Megan's brown head over Ariel's blonde."

(More Spoilers) The ending is just plain ridiculous. Well, throughout the whole movie all we heard about was how Ariel fears the wind. At the end the mean master turns himself back into a bubble and they blast him away with hairdryers. The questions are, where did he get all of the blow dryers, and where were they plugged in.

(End of Spoilers) Now lets slam the acting. Coutnee Draper acts like a spoiled little rich girl who's mad because her daddy didn't buy her the newest NSYNC CD. No, one's bangs should move that much when they speak. You can also so her "acting" on the Disney Original Show 'The Jersey.' Hopefully, she will never get anywhere other than The Disney Channel.

Tamara Hope doesn't fair much better than Courtnee. I think the only reason that she won this role was because she had a pretty face and even prettier hair. She has nothing in the way of acting talent but fortunately for us, doesn't have any bangs to shake while she talks. She couldn't even pull off the parts in which she was sending her little space language to her boyfriend by moving her hand from left to right.

The parents and the little brother were also horrible. As well as the "psychic" and Megan's father. It's a shame that everyone in the movie managed to botch their acting so badly that you cringed with every word that they spoke. There's nothing special here at all. It's even worse than most of Disney's other original movies.

Figure It Out (1997–2013)

It would have been better if it weren't for Summer Sanders

[5 January 2002]

This used to be a rather enjoyable show until I hit around 7th grade. I think maybe the reason for it's downfall was when it started doing Family Figure It Out. It was only good when they had good panelists though. My favorites were Adam Busch and Michelle Trachtenberg. Lori Beth was on there every single episode and then Danny started. I didn't like them too much. Summer Sanders should stick to swimming. She's too perky, fake, and obnoxious. I got to actually be one of the live studio audience members in 6th grade. It was great. But what is with them giving extremely oversized Figure It Out shirts to really small children?

You Don't Know Jack (2001)

I don't want to know Jack

[4 January 2002]

Gosh, this show was just plain bad. It was an embarrassment to me...because this show was allowed to be made in America which is a place that I call home. But I'm sure it's also an embarrassment to the creators of the game.

The game was a wonderful and funny piece of entertainment. This is a boring and just plain bad piece of garbage. It just lacked the charismatic sarcasm that the game did. The Jack Attack was a shamble, and every joke that I think was meant to be funny just wasn't.

The blame lies in the hands of the writers. But more in the hands of Paul Reubens. Poor thing will never get past his PeeWee Herman days (he wasn't funny on that either). The man is just not talented and I don't know why he has gotten where he has. The parts where they focus on his face and it spins around on the little screen are just ridiculous. The man shouldn't be doing close ups anyway because his skin is so bad that he has to wear layers and layers of foundation.

I don't know if this is the first television show based on a video game. But I do hope that it is the last. Or maybe all of that should be in past tense considering that the show was canceled almost as soon as it was first aired.

Mandy Moore Show (2000–2001)

The Horror...the horror!

[4 January 2002]

Lets face it. Mandy Moore doesn't have the most flourishing singing career. She is however always on MTV to compensate for that lack of singing ability. So as an addition to their sad summer lineup, MTV has decided to give Mandy her own show.

I can imagine that this show would be the exact same way if the Olsen twins hosted it. Nothing special here. Mandy Moore wearing skimpy summer clothes, with a group of guys and girls that all look like models and most likely are. It just shows how shallow MTV is.

The show is broken down into sections. One of the sections is one where you get to ask famous people questions. The episode that I watched...Abecrombie and Fitch Models and Professional Dancers. This is clearly based on one audience. There were some unfunny comedians. The "tell me moore" category ::getting queasy:: and to top it off the..."GIRLS WHO KICK ASS!" section. In this section, Mandy Moore says the word about 20 times. It seems as if she's thinking "look Mom I can cuss on TV! Listen to this!". It's not even "cool" when she says it because it seems as though she's trying too hard.

Sorry that your music career isn't going anywhere Mandy. But please don't make us suffer. This was a sad show and not surprisingly it was canceled. Now Mandy can torture us some more with her movie career e.g. 'A Walk To Remember.'

Paradise (I) (1991)

Great Movie

[4 January 2002]

Paradise was a beautiful yet underappreciated movie. If it weren't for HBO I probably would have never seen it.

Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson play a married couple who's relationship is falling apart after the death of their baby son. Both are very good actors and play their parts very well. The scene in the attic when Don comes home drunk is amazing and not the mess that it had the potential of being.

Elijah Wood is playing a small a 10 year old I believe who's father says that he's away at work but is really leaving his mother. He is in private school and doesn't have any friends. One summer his mother sends him to his aunt's house, most likely to try to hide the truth from him. Elijah isn't the best actor, but he's very good for his age. Not to mention the cutest thing that you've ever seen.

Thora Birch is a little country girl who doesn't know who her father is and has a mother who really can't keep a relationship to save her life. She doesn't have many friends either but is very smart and inquisitive. Thora Birch is incredibly adorable and well on her way to her excellent role in 'American Beauty.'

The movie is somewhat slow moving at the beginning but builds up to a great movie. Everything is believable. Don and Melanie are great together. Thora Birch and Elijah Wood also make a great duo. This is definitely a film worth seeing. Don't be turned off just because you haven't heard of it. It's better than a lot of that trash that is highly advertised.

Men Don't Tell (1993 TV Movie)

A typical lifetime movie with switched sex roles

[30 December 2001]

I have never heard of men being abused by their wives until I saw this movie. Although it's not hard to believe. It's a drastic change from most lifetime movies which have to do with a woman being beaten by her husband until the last 5 minutes of the movie where she finally goes to the police.

The only way that the movie is really different is that the sex roles are switched around. It does make a good point though. People look at men who are abused by their wives as being weak. Strauss's character makes an excellent point when he asks if hitting his wife back would make him a man.

So Strauss goes though just about the whole movie until his wife hits their child. That's when they get into a big brawl and fall through the window. His wife is knocked unconscious but he is still OK, so the police take him in and don't believe his story.

This is a perfect example of double standards put upon men. They don't want to tell because they won't be believed or they will be seen as weak. This wasn't the best movie. Acting from Strauss was pretty good. Judith Light, the queen of all TV movies was horrible and an over actor as usual. Ashley Johnson was very cute but not to the point of annoyance.

Braceface (2001–2006)

Not the best thing

[29 December 2001]

Poor Alicia Silverstone just can't get a break. She was great in Clueless but sadly her career hasn't gone anywhere. And just to add more insult she has this sad show on her resume.

The show is entitled Braceface but it really has nothing to do with braces. I believe that the first show was about how horrible her braces were but after that it was mainly about all of the things that a teenage girl faces in "everday life". Complete with the jones for the shy boy, the popular bully, and the single mother and caring father, this show plays out like a sitcom. The themes are unimaginative and just plain boring.

I am one of those kind of people who believe that all voice overs should be done by voice actors. But then you get regular actors to do them and they are all confused. Leave it to the professionals. Alicia Silverstone is sure trying, but she sounds drugged most of the time.

You might as well watch an episode of full house or the brady bunch. You would get the same effect. Maybe even a better one.

So Little Time (2001–2002)

Quite possibly the worst thing that the Olsen twins have ever participated in

[29 December 2001]

And I thought Passport to Paris was bad. It's a shame that a show like this was allowed to be made. It's even more of a shame that we're supposed to take it seriously. And it's just plain insulting that some people actually do.

Mary-Kate Olsen and Ashley Olsen are two talented little b***s. I mean the kids were quoted as saying that all that teenage girls thought about were "fashion and boys." The only reason that they've gotten anywhere was because people think that they are so cute. If they were seen as ugly would they be as famous as they are now? I agree with citydance247 who said that they should just be models. You would think after about 15 years of acting experience they would have learned a little something along the way.

Well, The Olsen twins are back. It's sad that their show "Two of a Kind" got canceled so early because it could have gone somewhere. But now they have this little ill conceived pile of crap and we're supposed to be buying it.

All of the characters are completely and utterly annoying. The two people who play the parents couldn't act their way out of a wet paper bag. They are supposed to be separated but they are always together. At least they have a mother on this show though. The man who plays the nanny could do so many better things. You might recognize him as the pizza boy from "Fast Times at Ridgemont High." But he's stuck playing an underappreciated male nanny with a bad Hispanic accent. Why would you hire a male nanny to watch to little girls anyway? Larry is not the comic relief. He is an annoying little twirp who hangs around because he thinks that Riley is cute. And of course Mary-Kate and Ashley are playing two shallow ditzes (oh how new and different for them) and all they do is parade around the house complaining how their parents aren't together, fretting over which boy is cuter, and wearing designer clothes that no real teenager would be able to afford. And Teddie who plays the fashion model shouldn't even be on the show. And what is with the fake background of the house?

You can tell from when the show starts that it is going to be crap. It has the twins mainly walking on the beach, barefoot and turning around while flipping their hair when we reveal their names. The narration sequences are a sad way of avoiding actually showing us what the real conflict is.

Real teenagers are not like this at all. I would know considering the fact that I actually am one. They don't only worry about clothes and boys. They worry about their grades and what they are going to do with their lives. The fact that this show claims to show what real teenage life is like is just plain insulting. Don't waste your time watching this sugar coated piece of fluff unless you want to feel better about yourself.

Chocolat (2000)

Worth Seeing

[29 December 2001]

My first thought about this movie was that it would be boring. But my friend told me it was good and I learned that it had Johnny Depp in it so it was a must see. I must say that I was rather pleased with the movie. Juliette Binoche was very good. I don't know if she was nominated for an Oscar but she should have been. Johnny Depp was also very good and he can fake an Irish accent like you wouldn't believe. Most faked accents annoy me but I could stand his.

All of the chocolate looked great to me too. But why would you poor chocolate on turkey? One thing confused me. Where exactly was she getting all of this chocolate from? Some parts of the movie really angered me. The way that it made organized religion look horrible. Just because she is different no one likes her and everyone taunts her child at school. And some new people come to town and they call them impure and won't feed their starving children. Yet they call themselves so religious.

The scene where Julia is swimming to the boat to get her daughter was one of my favorites. Thought it was kind of cheesy, I can't resist Johnny Depp swimming and then spooning someone while he's all wet and tired. I wish we could have gotten to see more of him that way.

What brought the movie completely downhill was the ending. The whole town gathering together happily and eating chocolate and laughing was just too over the top for me. It was a good movie and then they had to add a completely unbelievable and fluffy scene like that. Definitely worth seeing.

Pups (1999)

Also recommended...American Beauty?!

[29 December 2001]

Why oh why did someone have to recommend American Beauty. That would be hinting that American Beauty and this movie had something in common. American Beauty was a beautiful piece of cinematic work. This movie was a piece of trash written by an angry 13 year old that never should have made it to film

The "movie," if that is what you call it mainly consists of 2 kids, waving guns around, and saying "f**k" repeatedly. I take it that we are in turn supposed to feel their pain because they come from broken homes. This movie gets no sympathy out of me. The only sympathy is have is for the people that watched this movie and will never get those precious hours of their lives back.

The notion that two kids could rob a bank is completely preposterous. The scenes were downright unbelievable. Especially the scene where Rocky goes outside and waves her gun around at the cops and media. In any real situation she would have been shot as soon as she took the gun out.

The movie plays out almost like a documentary. The sound quality is horrible, I don't remember hearing any music, and the scenes don't even fit together in any kind of order. One minute they are screaming at people outside. The MTV appearance was just plain wrong and didn't help the situation at all. And Rocky getting her period just added more confusion to an already too confused movie.

The acting was atrocious. I thought that Misha Barton was going places after seeing her in Lawn Dogs. But watching her in this movie washed all of those good feeling that I had about her. It was as if she had no acting experience at all. I swear if she moved her arms one more time I would have screamed. And when she is trying to be dramatic talking about her father molesting her, it pointed it out even more.

I should have turned the movie off as soon as the boy came on talking about "f**king the dog." So I guess it is my fault for putting myself in that sort of situation. Don't make the same mistake that I did.

Virtual Sexuality (1999)

Surprised

[29 December 2001]

I stumbled upon this movie accidentally. In any other situation I would have most likely turned the TV off and paid this movie no mind. But once I started to watch it I couldn't turn it off. I tried but my hand would slowly wander back to the remote. The acting wasn't the best that I've seen. The plot was horrible and predictable. Yet I was compelled to watch on. I've seen movies that have claimed to be intellectually stimulating and left feeling as though I had been robbed of something. But with this movie you walk in expecting nothing and therefore you feel as though you've lost nothing when you're done. I would suggest seeing this movie if you're looking for something fluffy, candy-coated, and just plain entertaining.

Whose Line Is It Anyway? (1998–2007)

Hilariously funny

[29 December 2001]

In my opinion this show is much funnier than the UK version. Maybe that is because it is closer to my time though. Everyone on the show is hilarious. Even Drew Carey who is not my favorite comedian in the world is funny. It's amazing to me that these people can think of all of this off of the top of their heads. The most talented person on the show has to be Wayne Brady. He is what the UK version was really missing although he did guest on there many times. Wayne can sing, dance, and is hilarious (too bad his show was a big flop). Colin and Ryan are also really funny. My favorite guest would have to be Chip Heston who sings along with Wayne in all of the songs. I'm guessing because Ryan and Colin have their own rhythms that they use every time. Definitely a good thing to watch on Thursday nights.

Two of a Kind (1998–1999)

I am ashamed to say I enjoyed it

[29 December 2001]

I hate Mary-Kate and Ashley, and everything that they do. Yet I am still compelled to watch it. I'm glad I watched this series. ABC really shouldn't have canceled it. I wish that it would have started on FOX Family which is now ABC Family I believe, because they don't cancel shows.

I do have many objections to the show. Once again Mary-Kate and Ashley are two girls living with a single father because their mother died. Is it just me or are they playing the same character? Their father has to work so they have to get a baby-sitter. And it just so happens that that baby-sitter is in her 20's and they can tell her everything. But oh look...dad's single, we like her, let's get them together!

Well, it's no surprise to me that the acting from the Olsen twins was atrocious. I've heard that they are really sweet girls, but all of their characters are vapid and conceited. The whole Ashley being the girly girl and Mary-Kate being the tomboy thing had already been overdone. With all of their acting experience they still haven't learned a thing. But they're "cute" so they have a flourishing career.

The show would have been a complete mess if it weren't for Christopher Sieber who plays their dad and my favorite on the show, Sally Wheeler. If it wasn't for them I would never have watched the whole season of the show. They are the ones with real talent. That last episode where they kissed got me all excited and wanting more. And then the show was canceled. I wish only good things for these two actors.

There were some guests too. But no one really cares about them. Eddie wasn't funny at all. Neither was Kevin's cousin, who used to be on Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

Well, TGIF is long gone. But I will always remember (well maybe that's going a little too far) that there was once something on with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen that I actually enjoyed.

Cry-Baby (1990)

Avoid unless you are looking for a good looking Johnny Depp

[29 December 2001]

After viewing this movie I wondered why Johnny Depp, such a good actor, would actually choose to appear in such a useless piece of dreck. There was nothing even remotely interesting in this movie. If it hadn't of been for Johnny Depp I would have completely hated this movie all together.

I should have known better. This was from the man who made hairspray. I hated hairspray with a firery vengeance. But then again I though, Johnny Depp. The singing scenes were completely ridiculous because the voices didn't go with the people that were lip-synching them at all. I could swear that they changed the singing voices from song to song as well.

This movie was supposed to be mocking 50's teen movies like grease and whatnot I guess. But this movie deserved to be made fun of way more than they did. They were actually entertaining. There were only two parts of the movie that I enjoyed watching, and they both involved Depp. One was where Cry Baby and the girl (her name was not worth remembering) were sitting on the blanket outside and Cry Baby said that you just (stick your tongue out and wiggle it around). I thought his head movement when he said it was just hilarious. The 2nd was when Cry Baby got up and opened his shirt revealing that electricity killed his parents.

Without Johnny Depp this movie would have been more of a disaster than it already was. Ricky Lake must be the worst actress that I have ever seen. And her having children and screaming in the car during labor at the end was just ridiculous. Hatchet Face or whatever her name was had no point in the movie at all. Were we supposed to laugh at her? And Amy Locaine wasn't anything special either. Although I didn't hate her as much as just about all of the other characters.

So if you have the ability to hear, see, or breathe, I wouldn't recommend this movie to you. In fact, I wouldn't recommend this movie to anyone. Unless you are looking to see Johnny Depp looking extrodinarily good.