Karl Self Reviews

Remplissez-moi... les 3 trous (1978)

Remplissez-moi ... les 3 pages du scénario

[5/10 · 18 April 2024]

We are somewhere in the French countryside and it is a beautiful sunny day by the pool. The husband owns a champagne company and tells his wife or girlfriend (Barbara Moose) that he has set up a sweepstakes for his new brand "Champagne Dugland" and that he needs to collect the bottles of champagne from his company offices which are to be awarded to the lucky winners. He instructs his spouse to "entertain" any prize winners that should arrive prematurely, and departs. Barbara has a tipple, then the first winner (Cyril Val) arrives, and they while away the minutes by having sex. As more lucky winners arrive, and even without the champagne flowing as freely as they expected, an extended orgy ensues. We are treated to an all-star cast porking for the best part of an hour. No corner of house and garden remains uninvaded, and some cute kittens are very nearly sexually abused or mangled. There are naked babes and beardy weirdies a-plenty re-enacting the full Kama Sutra page by page. The only thing that's in short supply is any semblance of a story.

As is to be fully expected, the champagne chairman arrives after exactly one hour with two measly bottles in hand, everyone forms a human sex tower unseen before in all of cinema history and ever since, and then they all dance in a merry-go-round. The end.

According to the trailer, the film was initially simply called "Les 3 trous" (The 3 Holes), the German title "Die Flasche zum Ficken" refers to a short scene where a champagne bottle is used for an alternative purpose.

Chaleurs intimes (1977)

Upper-class slvts ... with open hearts

[5/10 · 3 January 2024]

Antoine is a successful businessman happily boinking his secretary Annette (a still brunette Brigitte Lahaie in one of her earlier roles) when he encounters the mundane Odette (Erica Cool) and immediately hits it off with her. There are several sexy scenes which end with Antoine underperforming and Odette reproaching him for his shortcoming. Why didn't he just stick with Annette? All of this is recounted in a radio show called À coeur ouvert which Odette listens to while driving.

Then there is another plot where Odette is a sexworker for her pimp, where she drives a Jag and lives in a castle with a butler. In the beginning it seems that she is dissatisfied with her job.

The three lead actors are beautiful, the erotic segments seem to be shot softcore with hardcore inserts (there is also a softcore version where Odette is called Jaqueline). Unfortunately it's not very sexy to see Antoine humping away for several minutes only to end with a sulking Odette. Bernard Hug has a rocking body but constantly makes weird Ugh-ugh-ugh sounds.

Not to be confused with the 1971 French porn movie of the same name. Also released as Bourgeoise et pute (A Lady And A Slvt) or À coeur ouvert (Open-hearted) or Dans la chaleur intime.

Le sexe qui parle (1975)

My Lips Are Sealed

[10/10 · 29 December 2023]

Joelle is a highly sexed woman who has fugues where she gets it on with women she meets on the streets, or she just masturbates at a party. Then her pussy starts to talk and eggs her (and anyone around) on. Joelle goes into a seedy cinema and has gets it off with two of the punters - pretty funny, as this is exactly the place where this type of movie would have been featured. Her husband involves a friend of the medical profession and she involves the press, who proceeds to hunt down Joelle for a juicy story. Joelle and her husband flee to her abandoned childhood home in the bondooks, where her pussy tell-tales her husband all about her colourful youthful exploits. Eventually it's her equally oversexed aunt who is a tattle-tale to the press and betrays her. The journalist in pursuit interviews her pussy and Joelle thinks that her ordeal is at last over. But is it?

A truely outrageous plot with a lot of fun sex scenes.

Cathy, fille soumise (1977)

Cathy, histoire confuse

[4/10 · 26 December 2023]

In the first scene, Cathy is inexplicably raped by three men.

Then the plot switches to a couple who make love on a hayride before being joined by a raven-haired female friend who arrives by train. After shaboinking with a dildo, the man helps cyclist Cathy to repair her bike and instantly falls for her. He avows to her that he knows from a friend "what she does" (prostitution apparently), then Cathy is abducted by her three pimps from the big city, who force her to make love to a cucumber, then rape her once more. She owns up to her new lover Simon, a local farmer, about how she initially worked for and fell for her pimp Tony, engaging in ever more sordid occupations until full-blown street prostitution ensued. Meanwhile Simon's two girlfriends get it off with a local girl. Pimp Tony is eventually caught by locals and made to watch Simon shag all the local birds. Personally, in Tony's place, I would have preferred to have been roughed up by the locals instead. Simon then has congress with Cathy by a river while there is a blue-sky thunder storm in the background.

Bottom line: The director fails terribly to create any sexy scene despite the many pretty actresses at his disposal. Mainly because of his predilection to dildos, which don't really work in a romantic setting. The sex scenes seem like physical workouts - this is what I imagine would happen when a gay director shoots a straight erotic movie. Then the main actor goes in for the "fallen girl" immediately after having a ménage à trois, which doesn't make any sense. Plus there is a very confused plot and background story. Why do the three pimps not simply drag Cathy back to the big city, rather than repeatedly gang-raping her and letting her go. What does rape have to do in a sexy film in the first place? Not even the title makes sense, as Cathy really isn't in any way a "submissive girl".

Auto-stoppeuses en chaleur (1979)

I'm Drivin' My Life Away

[6/10 · 26 December 2023]

Part porn, part road movie, part ... erm ... having sex around the house, a man named Francois sets off from Paris to his home on the coast and has various sexual encounters on the way. At first he is being seduced by two female foreign hitchhikers, then he is delayed by several other encounters, so that he eventually picks them up again later in the movie. The intermissionary stories are that of Brigitte Lahaie, who seems to be escaping her abusive husband and proceeds to have thank-you sex with her saviour, but then it turns out that this was just role-playing with her husband whom she eventually has congress with; also Francois helps a blonde damsel with a broken-down car, whereupon there is a romp in the hotel with a sexy French maid. In the last third of the film, he takes the two female hitchhikers home to his loving wife, and the four have a series of romps in various constellations - frankly this is just shooting candid material without much of a storyline anymore. Apparently the script ran out. Although creative credits are due to the very innovative use of a dildo (godemiche).

The classic Alpha France actresses are involved, namely Brigitte Lahaie, Cathy Stewart (the brown-haired one) and Karine Gambier (the bottle blonde) in individual scenes, while most of the performances consist of actresses such as Lucy Doll and Brigitte Verbecq (the hitchhikers) and Liliane Allan (the wife).

Alpha France often managed to create sexy yet hardcore entertainment, certainly catering to the male viewer, but it always seems like a playful celebration of sexy women (and men) rather than a hateful showcasing of sordid sex acts performed by despicable sluts.

Solid sexy entertainment from legendary director Burd Tranbaree.

A Summer in Saint Tropez (1983)

Un été idéal

[4/10 · 15 November 2023]

This is straight up one of David Hamilton's famous photobooks but shot as a movie. There is no story. And we don't ever get to see Saint Tropez. Pretty and slim girls frolick around in various combinations and situations, and it's sexy and esthetic. If I remember correctly, we get to see nipples, and that's it. And it's over all too soon in under one hour.

One think that always strikes me about David Hamilton is that I guess this is the way a girl or young woman would like to be presented in an erotic manner. Sexy but tastefully.

David Hamilton's earlier movies used to tell a story. I don't know why he gave it up. In 1983 he made two movies with financial backing from Germany, Un été à Saint Tropez and Premiers désirs, and both don't offer much in the way of a storyline.

A Man for Emmanuelle (1969)

No Man For Emmanuelle

[3/10 · 3 November 2023]

When this film came out in 1969, viewers especially in Italy would have made the beeline connection between its eponymous heroine and the 1959 erotic bestseller by Emmanuelle Arsan (Marayat Rollet-Andriane), especially given the sexy lead actress Erika Blanc. Although absolutely no connection other than the name exists. The original heroine (original = from the book) enjoys and explores sexuality (although she does go too far in that she actually gets raped), in this 1969 movie however we experience a young woman who is dressed up like a Barbie doll, but seems to have serious mental issues in that she often interprets her environment in scenes (fugues) that seem to be straight out of a horror movie. This may have been triggered, but can not have been caused by her being abandoned by her partner. She throws herself "into the arms of several men" only to instantly reprimand them for it like the little social warrior that seems to be hiding under her Chanel costume. Like the English boilerplate for the movie stated: "The QUEER ... The Erotic ... The HIPPIE ... all turned her on!"

This movie delivers a deeply depressing outlook on women and sexuality. Maybe the original character Emmanuelle was a bit shallow, but at least she was entertaining and life-affirming.

Like I said, it's not related in any way, shape or form to the erotic book, but it's also the closest we ever got to a Nouvelle Vague treatment of "Emmanuelle".

Seduction (1973)

Love, sex and no videotapes

[7/10 · 26 October 2023]

The most important thing is that the seduction triangle functions on every part. Maurice Ronet (the man), Lisa Gastoni (the woman) and Graziella ("little grace" = Jenny Tamburi) are believable in their roles, with Gastoni really delivering a stunning performance, and Jenny Tamburi is, well, pretty and superficial. As she would be. It is a great twist that is at once the spurned woman but also a caring mother who worries about her daughter and just about a fellow woman suffering a broken heart.

In my opinion, this is not an Italian version of Lolita. Lolita the book is actually about the sexual exploitation of a girl. This is not the case here as Graziella is an active participant who is hopeful of getting one over her mother and thus emancipating herself.

NB the 15 years-old Graziella is played by the 21 years-old Tamburi.

À nous les petites salopes (1981)

More oy vey than Hou-là-là

[4/10 · 21 August 2023]

This movie has more titles than the Aga Khan: * À nous les petites salopes: "Let's Get Them Little Skeezers" - a play on the title of the French rom-com "À nous les petites Anglaises" (1976) * Gémissements pervers: "Perverted Groans" * Isabelle et Olga - although no-one by that name appears in the movie * Les petites allumeuses: "The Little Teases" * Les petites salopes: "The Little Skeezers"

The origin story of the film is probably more interesting than the film itself. Two shop girls run off, hide in the cellar of an apartment building and pretty grubby sex scenes ensue. Seedy old men offer them shelter and ask for sex in return -- Not a very classy premise. Resulting in, uncharacteristical for production company Alpha France, a pretty unsexy film.

The movie has been edited into a softcore version "Isabelle et Olga".

I must add that I've seen this as a bad VHS copy.

Carnival Story (1954)

Life's a carnival

[8/10 · 1 June 2023]

I like this movie a lot because it has a great story and great, yet unknown to me, actors, but also because it is a rare movie set in a postwar Munich. Ten years after the war the city still looks incredibly ragged. The stunts are still amazing. Another twist to this is that director Kurt Neumann started off in Hollywood reshooting German versions of successful US-American movies, yet here he is back in his homeland, creating a successful English-language venture in Germany and then reshooting it with German actors. If you don't know Kurt Neumann, his movies are really worth your while, and they include the earliest postwar scifi-rocket movie.

Les délices du tossing (1983)

When Giants Fail

[3/10 · 14 May 2023]

I have a lot of respect for the creators (directors, cameramen, actresses, everyone) in watchable full-feature-length porn movies. Those that are entertaining and titillating and worth your time. It's a hell of a feat. You will get absolutely no love from critics, and very little respect from punters. In a way, it really is art for art's sake.

Director Gérard Kikoine is one of the stalwarts of this genre, but unfortunately, this movie is a bit of a let-down. We follow the fates of a group of sexy girls on mopeds working for the "Mini Services" company in Paris. The plot doesn't sound that complicated, but nevertheless it gets confusing. First of, what on earth is the "Tossing" alluded to in the title? Apparently it's the act of the girls flirting with their handsome customers. One of the girls somehow wants to move to the US. Then there is an orgy where some girls have burning candles stuck up their butts. Then there is an entirely different plot involving a masked surgeon with a huge dick. One of the Mini Services girl is so enamoured that she goes around with a life-sized photograph of this precocious pecker comparing it to every other sample she comes across.

The sex doesn't sizzle, the girls don't shine, I'd give this one a miss.

Les bas de soie noire (1981)

One of the better ones

[8/10 · 13 May 2023]

This may be the most archetypal of all French porn plots: Attractive girl is sent to castle for her sex education, then falls in love with (French) French maid. Who introduces her to the world of gettin' jiggy with it. The girls are luscious, one scene chases the next, there is at least an attempt at a background story and good cinematography; but most of all, there is a fun atmosphere and the girls are treated respectfully.

Christine Schwarz as the central character Jessica is one to look out for, she knows to act and to perform. Many Alpha France staples are on the job here.

If you only watch one Alpha France movie, you could do a lot worse than this one.

Maidens of the Dormitory (1976)

Never confuse very young girls with young girls or even just girls

[2/10 · 23 March 2023]

After endless years of tireless hunting, I might well have discovered the absolutely worst film ever of all times. After a bit of mafia tomfoolery ("Make sure to send his corpse home to his mom in Sicily ... I always keep my promises!"), the story focuses on a training camp for girls who are being forced into prostitution (although two of them point out that they were already prostituting themselves just for fun) run by an international crime ring of French criminals. The girls, including Karine Gambier with her signature blonde quiff, are actually beautiful, but since this is a softcore movie with full frontal nudity at best, not much is being made of this asset. A tough female pimp of colour, Carla, gets into the picture, who, after endlessly long 75 minutes, turns out to be a police informer.

This film is known as "Blutjunge Mädchen, zur Liebe gezwungen" ("Very young girls, forced into love") in German. All too easily confused with the entirely different movies "Junge Mädchen, zur Liebe gezwungen" and "Mädchen, zur Liebe gezwungen". A lot of forcing of various girls going on in the 1970ies, apparently. I was actually after the giallo "La settima donna", which also goes under the German name of "Junge Mädchen, zur Liebe gezwungen".

Rolling Papers (2015)

Dope is super

[2/10 · 11 December 2022]

In 2013, just before the statewide legalisation of cannabis, The Denver Post newspaper created a editorial department especially for marijuana-related stories, headed by one Ricardo Baca. This new section included critics who were going to sample and review weed strains, and a mom who wrote about smoking dope and being a mom, however that goes together. In other words, another competition for titles such as High Times which have existed for forever, but this time coming from an established newspaper who wanted their cut of a lucrative market. OK, and that's about it for the content of this documentary. Anytime anyone says something positive or cracks a joke about (I don't want to repeat myself but here goes) weed there is an uproar of laughter from some audience.

Reclaiming Amy (2021 TV Movie)

Restoring Mitch

[4/10 · 7 February 2022]

This BBC documentary comes ten years after the death of Amy Winehouse, and five years after the Acadamy Awards-winning documentary Amy. Although the latter didn't set out to be overly caustic, it showed Amy's father Mitch in two unfavourable situations, once telling his daughter to that she must do a show and in another case bringing his own camera team. This documentary explicitly sets out to "set the balance straight" and tell the parents' story. I'm not sure it's the point of any documentary, especially one by a publicly financed broadcaster, to tell a one-sided story.

How Funny Can Sex Be? (1973)

Sexy comedy and proud of it

[10/10 · 14 November 2021]

Normally the epithet "sexy comedy" is a cinematic death knell, but the cooperation of the fantastic Laura Antonelli, Giancarlo Giannini and director Dino Risi turned this into a timeless classic. And yes, it's funny and sexy. In nine segments and probably inspired, in a good way, by Woody Allen's "What You Always Wanted To Know About Sex" which was released a year earlier.

The Damned: Don't You Wish That We Were Dead (2015)

Nomen est omen

[7/10 · 18 November 2020]

This documentary brought The Damned out of obscurity for me. A band with an incredible history of Top of the Pops appearances, the first UK punk single, chart hits, solo successes, launching Lemmy Kilmister and the bassist of Culture Club just on a side note. Despite being ahead of their time and repeatedly making it into the charts, their nomen seems to have been their omen, ultimately splitting the band into two warring factions.

The Female Animal (1958)

It is said that when a woman fights for a man, she does so with dialogue and fiery looks

[9/10 · 30 August 2020]

How did they ever get that past the Production Code? An ageing alcoholic actress picks up a toy boy, who is then seduced by her alcoholic precocious daughter. There are so many powerful, but deeply unhappy, women here that you could pave a road to Rome with them, and wittier dialogue in a single scene than in the entire Holy Bible. Really, it's a must-see if you enjoy sharp dialogue as much as I do. I'm certain that Tarantino borrowed the "stuntman housekeeper" concept for "Once Upon a Time in Hollywood".

A Billion Lives (2016)

Unabashed promo video for vaping

[5/10 · 23 August 2020]

Not sure whether I quite expected that. I'm pretty sure that vaping is the lesser of two evils, which can easily be determined by sitting next to a vaper and then next to a smoker for fifteen minutes.

Friends of God: A Road Trip with Alexandra Pelosi (2007 TV Movie)

Who's whackiest of the bunch?

[4/10 · 23 August 2020]

Yeah, those Evangelicals sure are a whacky bunch. Alexandra Pelosi, filmmaking daughter of whacky Nancy Pelosi (who looks a lot like an Evangelical wife BTW), visited the choice whackiest of the bunch and got them to talk into her microphone. To be honest, it almost endeared them to me.

Anvil (2008)

Finish school

[9/10 · 18 April 2020]

I just saw it again after over 10 years and still loved it. It's the story of everyone who showed promise and never got further than that. Then again, Cactus were the heroes of Anvil, and where are Cactus now?

Just two notes: When Anvil appear in that pub in Prague-Smichov, somehow Otto Walkes appears briefly on stage with them, Germany's most famous comedian.

And then there's the title plate "Munich, day 32" but they're somehow not in Southern Germany but in Linköping, Sweden (or the next picture is in Linköping but they're still somewhere else, but they're certainly not in Munich as suggested.)

Is It Easy to Be Young? (1986)

Is it easy to be old?

[8/10 · 23 August 2019]

This is a rare document of how live in the Soviet Union seemed to be set in stone even on the onset of Perestroika, and even more so after the core meltdown at Chernobyl and during the climax of the Russia-Afghanistan War. It was called the Cold War and the Iron Curtain for a reason. The film starts with the aftermath when a bunch of incredibly tame-looking youths are charged with wrecking a train car after a concert, and get handed down sentences of over three years. Then there are bona fide punks rummaging through Soviet Riga, being disgruntled, snarling and up to no good, just like in my neck of the woods back then. Auteur Juris Podnieks talks to them all, the rebels, the squares and the thieving ballerinas, all of this accompanied to a very bad soundtrack indeed. It made an enormous impression back then, all the more so as this was somehow, mysteriously the Soviet Union but not Russia. The same train cars of Latvia are doing fine, by the way, the same stock is still operational in 2019. Only the rebels have grown old and grey.

Heavy Water: A Film for Chernobyl (2007)

Why poetry?

[2/10 · 9 July 2019]

There is so much interesting stuff to tell around Chernobyl. As evidenced by the success of the current HBO miniseries. But instead this is poetry and wobbly images. This totally missed me.

Bloody Friday (1972)

Tougher than leather ... pants

[10/10 · 4 December 2018]

This is just a great, over the top story of a bank heist gone wrong with the greatest bad boy of movie history, Raimund Harmstorf. Chock full with (visual) violence, cheap FX and really the greatest trash talk of all times. And Gila von Weitershausen as the naive bit on the side isn't too bad either.

The Key (1983)

Don't throw away The Key

[8/10 · 13 December 2017]

Just from the opening scene it's evident that Tinto Brass is in a class of his own as a filmmaker. A beautifully shot period piece in which an ageing husband gets aroused by his wife falling for her daughter's boyfriend (kind of a ménage a quatre), simply because it arouses him to see his wife aroused. I'm not into cuckolding, but it's actually a sweet, romantic film in a way, just with a lot of visual fawning over women's exposed buttocks. Tinto Brass is like that. I've heard about him but not really seen much so far. I'm glad this is beginning to change.