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kirk.wagstaff
Reviews
Dr. Jekyll's Dungeon of Death (1979)
Different...
Could you believe it? I accidentally picked this movie up in Music Zone instead of another Vipco Horror "Classic". Initially I found the film to be, like another reviewer here said "impossibly bad". Forty minutes into the film I actually had hopes for this poor monstrosity. It is incredibly grim and tacky, and the kung-fu scenes are cringe-inducing. For example, after the evil doctor injects victims with serum in his dungeon, they wake up and suddenly transform into black-belters and beat the crap out of each other. There was an uneasy atmosphere throughout the 90 minutes and there isn't one scene not shot in darkness. The sado-masochism, violence against women, sexual content and disturbing S&M undertone easily earn this a place in the Vipco library. As a movie itself it really stinks!
2/5
Event Horizon (1997)
Disappointing
Event Horizon stars Sam Niell, who starred in Jurassic Park and as the anti-christ in Omen 3. Here he plays a similar character, who plans to bring hell into the world via a spaceship which returns from the boundaries of Neptune with hell captive.
Initially a science fiction movie, this eventually turns into a futuristic horror which is uncannily similar to Hellraiser 4, in which Pinhead and his demons devour space crew. Event Horizon follows the same path with some horrific results but with a much better cast. You will notice some faces from Alien 3. Laurence Fishburne is wonderful as Captain Miller and keeps a level head through this nightmare in convincing fashion.
Event Horizon has some great ideas, most of which taken from the film Alien. I was disappointed how the film looked to become an envigorating science fiction movie, then turned into a gory horror. It feels like they took the easy way out. The CGI effects are some of the best I've ever seen and the sequences where the crew first enter Event Horizon are exciting. Too bad the effects were used on claret and massacre in the last thirty minutes. It could have been so much more.
3/5
Jeepers Creepers (2001)
Passable slasher movie for the new millenium
The hype surrounding this film pursuaded me to check this film out, I haven't seen a good slasher movie in years and had heard good things about Jeepers Creepers.
I was very impressed with the first thirty minutes. A brother and his sister are driving around and nearly get killed by a maniac with a stupid truck. They decide to investigate the church this maniac was spotted moments after. They discover a chute which leads down into the unknown, and Darius has the nice idea of sliding down minutes after almost being killed. Nice idea Darius! Learning that dead bodies in their hundreds are waiting at the bottom, the two teenagers leave horrified and distraught. Searching for help, the body count begins which results in some cool imagery, if little gore (to the gore-monger's disappointment).
One of the most annoying things in Jeepers Creepers is the frequent looks of shock and horror on Darius and Trisha's faces. They are subject to some of the most over-used tactics and cliches, ones which have been used for almost every horror movie in the last twenty years -so you really don't need to see ten minutes of them freaking out. I don't even need to mention the "psychic", it made me cringe as this character seems to have walked off the set of The Matrix. She is still spouting off her patronising emotional drivel ("You are the one, Neo!").
The "creeper" in question is a pretty boring killer. He has one of the most ridiculous maturing cycles in horror movie history. As the psychic tells us, he actually grows from eating people. And he devours those who fear and can smell people wetting their pants, apparently. I guess the writers forgot the existence of Freddy Kruger. We see the "creeper" eating tongues and other body parts to try and make people disgusted. It feels quite forced and really starts to give you a poor outlook on the rest of the film. The scene in the police station is a great example of how dumb the characters in slasher movies are, and boy it makes you wonder how anyone rated this movie. Even horror hero Clive Barker enjoyed this, go figure. Even the police seem to have an IQ of less than forty and seem to stand there whilst the killer eats on prisoners.
The ending was unorthodox but leaves you thinking "so what?" The movie is average. One good point was that the main characters (Darius and Trish) were tolerable for the most part, which is a rarity in modern horror movies.
2.5/5
La casa 3 (1988)
Worst haunted house film ever
This movie first caught my attention through the UK's Vipco Vault Of Horror video collection who are releasing banned and uncut horror movies. We are finally seeing the best of them, and was eager to watch Ghost House when I heard about it.
My initial impression was that it seemed to be a chilling ghost movie but I was wrong. Ghost House doesn't know what it wants to be, a teen comedy or a horror. I was reminded of how pathetic Friday The 13th was with its dumb teen characters who stepped into every possible death opportunity imaginable. Ghost House has to star idiots so we can watch them dispatched one by one in death scenes. But even the death scenes suck horribly the special effects guy seems to think using cardboard for a mans head is sufficient. Or how about the elderly woman who gets stabbed and seems to lean against the door in an awkward position instead of pretending to be dead.
The great thing about this haunted house movie is the fact that a group of teens are actually hanging around the house for no proper reason, and only rarely do they venture inside. After one of their buddies gets a fan blade stuck inside him the group barely notice him carried away to his death bed. Oh yeah, the `hero' of Ghost House seems to have nothing better to do than trace weird radio signals and drive all over the place picking up guys with fake skeleton arms. I guess in the eighties, kid had nothing better to do. The hitchhiker was a great character, a million times more charismatic than the rest of the idiots instead of the writers actually using a character with more than three brain cells, he vanishes minutes after his appearance and later gets killed. Way to go!
So you're guessing I didn't like this film, and in that case you'd be right. The real sad thing is why did they even cut this film at all? It's nothing you haven't seen in a `15' movie. The only conclusion I could come up with is that it's so terrible to be seen in it's entirety.
1/5
Paura nella città dei morti viventi (1980)
Worth it for one stomach-gurgling (literally) death scene
Lucio Fulchi is back again with another tale of the macabre. This time a city named Dunwich sits on a gateway to hell, and the cast start to experience the effects - resulting in some traditional Lucio trademark deaths via zombies and the supernatural.
This movie contains a fantastic death scene, one of the best in all horror movies it begins with a couple seeing a ghost of a dead priest as they go for some nookie in an abandoned area. The girl starts to cry blood and she pukes up her digestive system - all this before she squashes her boyfriends brain out of his bonce. Tasty.
After that bombshell, not much else can be said for the film in the way of gore (one of the main appeals of Fulchi's films). It builds up the suspense of the gateway opening, but it never really goes anywhere. The acting is notably better here that other films by this director however. For a better version of this film see Lucio's The Beyond, a truly terrifying haunted house/zombie flick which has a slight difference to COTLD's storyline.
2.5/5
...E tu vivrai nel terrore! L'aldilà (1981)
Truly dark, disturbing, and disgusting
The Beyond is perhaps the most disturbing horror movie I've ever had the opportunity to watch. This is a major statement to make, considering having watched movies such as the uncut versions of Cannibal Holocaust and Zombie Flesh Eaters.
Lucio Fulchi really went to town in this gory, violent tale of a house which stands on a gateway to hell. As is typical of Fulchi's work, we have cheap but eerie background music which really make the viewer feel uneasy, as was the intention of the director. It's only a matter of time before zombies appear in the cellar and start to take the lives of the cast one by one. Although the deaths are horrific to a comic level, they are dark and disturbing.
Later on in the movie people try and discover the plans of the house and get Omen-style deaths like the poor guy who is taken by lightning, then has his face devoured by spiders. Although the special effects are cheap and nasty, this particular death was the most disgusting, the real effect made by the strangely fitting porn-style music. I don't really want to watch that scene again.
In the end Lucio did what he did to create one of the deepest darkest haunted house/zombie movies. The acting is mostly poor and the storyline is ridden with inconsistencies and other stuff, which happened for no other reason but to create a fanastic death. Gore hounds should now own this movie in their collection as it's been released uncut since 1981.
4/5
The Exorcist III (1990)
Greatest second sequel of all time?
Exorcist 3 actually manages to come across as a greater film than even the over-rated original. It has an atmospheric, isoteric current that runs the entire two hours in the vein of the great Alfred Hitchcock. The hospital was a great place to set this movie, it sets the right tone for this tale of demonic possession. Bereft of bad language, the film manages to scare without referring to lashings of blood or gore and instead focusses on religion and a mystery killer. Don't understand why this received an 18 certificate, I guess it goes to show how much this scared the life out of the censors with its effectiveness. The end was a little disappointing but overall I was very surprised by this movie.
8/10
Poltergeist III (1988)
Good finale to the Poltergeist trilogy
The late 80's spawned quite a few rotten horror movies, but the second sequel to the classic Poltergeist was never going to better the first, my favourite sequel of all time. Poltergeist 3 has a lot of that `late 80's' feel and has been blamed for some rotten acting and general laziness.
Tom Skerritt and Nancy Allen are amongst the cast, and whilst they can never replace he presence of Heather's family, they do a decent job. You may remember Skerritt playing Dallas in the movie Alien. You may know Allen from the Robocop series.
This time Heather is adopted by her newly announced aunt and uncle. They live in a huge skyscraper in Chicago. Soon the skyscraper is plagued by the very same poltergeists of the first and second movies, and it's time to draw the series to a close. This involves a group of dumb teenagers who participate in the usual `We're crazy guys! Let's steal some food and beer!' routine - which is actually quite entertaining if a little cliched. Thankfully before a casual sex scene, the spirits give them a fright which guarantees they won't be feeling frisky for quite some time. It has to be said that most people who watch this film will comment on how they are sick and tired of hearing Carol Anne being screamed and shouted after during the last half of the film.
People were very quick to put this film down. I always wonder why, because it has a great story, as there's a feeling of a supernatural pursuit in every scene. It's exciting although becomes a bit of a let down. One of the main concerns was that people didn't like new characters being inserted into the series. At least that way the film feels different from the rest.
Mirrors add for some clever visual-effects, not only do they look convincing they also give you a chilling look on the `other side'. Julian Beck is no longer Kane as he died shortly after the release of the second movie. His replacement is different but still manages to remain chilling throughout his appearances in the 90 minutes. Sadly Carol Anne died whilst this film was still being shot, as a result the ending lacks something and feels abrupt and non-sensical. Overall Poltergeist is a classic horror series plagued by tragedy and death.
3.5/5
The Princess Bride (1987)
One of the greatest family films ever made
This is a heartwarming comedy adventure. It begins as a typical child playing video games who gets visited by his Grandpa and gets told the story of The Princess Bride. The child hates the initial romance introduction, but grows to enjoy the story. Monty-Python-esque moments follow and the cast are brilliant, most significantly the late Andre The Giant and of course the hero Cary Elwes who played Wesley. These characters amongst others help drive the message home and do a great job of creating drama and tension and at the same time light-hearted quotes. Simply brilliant. They don't make them like this any more.
4/5
Ôdishon (1999)
Pointless *contains spoilers*
Audition is a perfect example of one of those films which is known for one thing. It is not a masterpiece, simple an overrated Japanese film which broke out onto the American film scene. It's a calm and typical love-story, followed by an unjustified sick and twisted climax. The main character wants to remarry, and does this by the means of an audition but has no intention of the film going ahead. The girl he meets is terribly insecure and clingy, but the lonely main character sucks up to her and tolerates her shyness and strange behaviour. In the end of the film we find out the girl is a mass murderer who punishes her victims in the worst way possible. The fact that initially the girl is shy and then turns into something worse than Hannibal Lecter, is so unrealistic and unjustified that it ruins all interest in this character. Understandably the girl will be effected from her superiors abusing her as a child, but would you take out all your agression on someone who takes you out for meals and treats you like a queen? The girl enjoys giving her lover an extreme lesson in acupuncture. This scene was done right, the sad thing is the film is so unrealistic and pointless it leaves you wondering what the hell it was made for. It isn't even one of those films which has depth or hidden messages... simply a pointless waste of time.
Poltergeist (1982)
Disappointing but still good
Contains spoilers
This film disappointed me on so many levels. Mainly because I'd looked forward to watching this film since I was seven or eight and wasn't permitted to see this until I was old enough. Even worse I managed to see the sequel first at a friends house.
Steven Spielberg and Tobe Hooper were responsible for this. I believe Hooper took control of the directing after Spielberg handed the directors chair over to him. Initially the film starts off in the similar vein to E.T, a suburban setting followed by comedy moments involving the neighbours and builders. First the Freelings little girl Carol-Anne starts to talk about the `TV People', before the rest of the house start to experience strange things. Then a tree grabs Carol-Anne through her window and whisks her off into the sky. This scene features one of the most ridiculous hurricanes in cinema history (even for 1982), and the characters actually believe it to be legitimate. Madness.
Soon the film starts to go downhill when the family hire paranormal investigators, who investigate the strange goings on and the disappearance of their daughter, who appears to be talking through the TV set. The fact the family realise there's a supernatural force in the house early on took something away from the film, also Carol-Anne is a great actress and great presence as the sequel proved, and her absence for being captured made me feel empty. Instead the real meat of the film is in the family getting Carol-Anne back and the mothers relations with one of the investigators, and very little on understanding who captures her daughter and why.
The climax of the film is over-the-top and quite frankly ridiculous. After the gargantuan struggle of getting her daughter back, mother Diane goes for a bath and leaves her daughter in her bedroom of the same house which nearly killed all of them. Nice idea, Diane. Here we are treated to an opening to the other side and a monster which looks like it's stepped away from a filming of Sesame Street. Wouldn't you want to get the hell out of there with your lives after you've had to go to another world to rescue your daughter?
Personally I don't like Spielbergs films to be overly depressing. I love the start of the film and its resemblance to films like E.T and The Goonies. But here the loss of a child looms over you and creates a rather depressing tone the whole way through. Maybe that was because Tobe Hooper took the directors chair, he directed Texas Chainsaw Massacre after all. When Carol-Anne is finally rescued it's too late to make a good go of the supernatural force, Spielberg could have done so much more of it.
I can understand why some people really enjoyed this film, but for me it was disappointing. Without Amityville I doubt this film would exist, even though Poltergeist is a much better film. The sequel and even Poltergeist 3 did so much more for me. Still a good film in its own right. I'm still confused as to why this film ever received a PG rating in America, for the one scene of a man ripping his face off. Very strange.
3/5
The Omen (1976)
They don't make them like this any more
Just watched this film for the third time, and I must say I enjoyed it more than my first two times.
The Omen is very similar to the Exorcist in the way children are portrayed as evil. In some way this film even betters the far more infamous Exorcist with several memorable cinema moments, most notably the priest being impaled and the decapitation scene. These are scenes which you won't forget your whole life. The storyline is excellently driven by religion and the book of revelations, the whole story falls into place until the father gradually learns the real truth. Characters that are built up the whole way through are dispatched by the devils disciples or invisible forces, very unsettling indeed. The characters absence actually means something and you really begin to feel for the family of Robert and Kathy Thorn.
Bereft of bad language, sex, or drugs, this movie is straight to the point and never lets up for a minute to break the evil atmosphere. This is gruesome cinema at its best.
10/10
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)
A decent family movie, nothing more
I don't watch Hollywood blockbusters much, and I just have to say films like this are the reason why. I'd probably rate this as an above decent family, with some decent special effects, which is understandable considering the budget they had. It didn't really titilate me, despite an originally gripping storyline. An hour into it, and the film quickly turns into comedy, with ghost pirates dying in comedy moments and pretty much no seriousness whatsoever. I understand these kind of films aren't coming across as serious, but then I argue what's the point? Originally it reminded me of one of my favourite movies from childhood, The Princess Bride, but in the end it didn't live up to the promise. Cut the gore out and you have a decent family movie, but don't bother if you're looking for anything more. Alternatively you could watch The Goonies which is one of the best pirate movies of all time.
Hellraiser: Inferno (2000)
Another original take on the Hellraiser series
It seems like this series has been given the special treatment since the inept second sequel Hell On Earth. First of all in Hellraiser: Bloodline, the setting was in the far-away future (good conecpt), but the demons of old still manage to wreak havoc amongst those men who have far more sophisticated technology, and have them running for their lives.
The second special treatment of the series (Inferno) sees a cop who gets involved in a very unique murder mystery that sees him pass by the Lament Configuration, right up to the bloody climax where he faces Pinhead and the Cenobites.
Although Pinhead and his minions star in roughly 5% of this movie, their presence is felt the whole way through. This is the driving force behind the film, thus their appearence on-screen becomes electrifying. Although the plot has many silly twist and turns, there is still something special about this film. The acting surprised me for such a film (which was sent straight to video). The special effects were good at best, however Pinheads formation near the end is CGI-generated garbage.
If you're a Hellraiser fan, then give this a go. On the other hand, everyone else stay away until you grasp the beauty of the previous bunch.
The Amityville Curse (1990)
Curse of the Amityville movies
I had to track this film down for four years in the UK, simply every video store and rental company refused to stock it. But was it worth it?
The Amityville Curse is based around Hans Holtzer's impressive book which is a worthy competitor to Jay Ansons original work. Pretty much nothing in this film related to anything in the book which makes you wonder why they even bothered to use the Amityville name at all. I am quite sure this was for profitable reasons since the series has been so popular, despite some horrendously awful movies. The Amityville Curse is just another of these.
The main focus of this movie centers around a murdered priest in a confession-booth. After getting blown away with a pistol we are taken to the `Amityville house' which by the way, looks nothing like it. A group of people buy it from the market at next to nothing, with no electricity which makes for some atmospheric lighting - at least they got this right. Marvin (Anthony Dean Rubes), is an Uncle Buck-style goof who has to carry the rest of the incompetent co-stars throughout ninety minutes of the usual Amityville outing, which includes such supernatural events as dogs barking and a wine glass being shattered. So chilling
As is traditional in an Amityville film a psychic just happens to be among the group to make the rest of the cast paranoid. Debbie (Dawna Wightman) tries way too hard and ends up looking pretentious and embarrassing in the process. I wasn't surprised to hear this was the only film she starred in. The rest of the cast aren't even worth a mention apart from the bum in the bar who looks dead for ten minutes and then spouts; `You know something Mr, you don't know s***'. A lot of this time The Amityville Curse tries to be a comedy and has some really confusing characters. Mrs Moriarty, the freak with the glass eye is a third-rate Tangina from the Poltergeist films who thankfully gets demonised before long. One cannot help but cheer on the demons when it's her time. However in comic-book style she miraculously knocked over a video camera moments before so her death is witnessed and the killer is exposed as one of the members of the house.
Later it is uncovered that the confession-booth, along with other holy items have been hidden in the basement. Quite how they got there is something which is never explained. I can only assume the demons come packaged with all the religious items, or something why would they be present in a basement of the supposed Amityville house with crosses, holy water, and a confession booth? Would this not deter them? This and many other events are never explained to us, which gives you an idea of how great the writers are.
So another tradition lives as the possessed confession-booth killer becomes demonised for no other reason but to end the film, and then attempts to devour his former friends. Unfortunately the demons seem to be having an off-day and are exorcised from the house after a few dainty love-taps.
Not a very impressive film and certainly not worth hunting down. Too much talking and unnecessary camera-work makes the ninety minutes drag. Also I would like to know what the BBFC are playing at giving this an 18 certificate since nothing in this film surpassed anything a 12 movie does today. Still we are waiting for the next sequel and whether it is going to require any intelligence to watch. 2/5
Alien Resurrection (1997)
Alien series gets squashed face
This was yet another series that was condemned to the pit of mediocrity thanks to the late 90's. How dare they come along and destroy this wonderful series of films. Its predecessor Alien 3, was an average film. But side-by-side, it is Shakespeare in comparison with a primary schools Nativity play. Joss Whedon is the man who gets the blame, a writer also responsible for such fallacies as Buffy The Vampire Slayer and (cough) Parenthood. No wonder Alien Resurrection fell flat on its face.
Instead of characters believable, and at least respectable, you will wish them away, hoping the beasts will devour them one by one. Most of them fall victim anyway, but it's far too long to endure their horrible lines. Does using the f-word make a character? Does Winona Ryder gain respect since you see her in every movie from Heathers to Beetlejuice? Her acting is terrible in this film. Listen at her use the f-word to make her sound scary. Aww, bless, she tried.
Not only is the story and script a complete failure, but also the exposure of aliens. Ripley is related to them since the predecessor but turns against them to help a band of space hijackers? Nice one Joss. Even the new breed of alien, look like old childrens TV mascot Gilbert the green alien who seems to have got mixed up in the toxic waste from Robocop. They are disappointinly non-scary and instead rather comical.
It gets worse
All fantasy aspects of the series being in another place entirely are shattered in the closing moments. The hijackers are driving towards earth! Thanks for fond memories of some of the greatest sci-fiction ever guys
and then vomiting all over them. Good job.
Edward Scissorhands (1990)
Classic Tim Burton
It is always great to see people doing different things with film. For me, the ability to produce darkness together with beauty is a gift. I admire Tim Burton amongst others such H.R Giger (of Aliens fame), and novelist Clive Barker. Their abilities to produce things of darkness one minute, but beauty the next, is a moving experience and one that all viewers should enjoy. Burton does this in Edward Scissorhands, a fairy tale for the 90's. It is an ideal Christmas film although not one which pre-teens will enjoy. It combines a variety of emotions; happiness and love on one hand, fear and loss on the other. Acting is first-class, especially from Depp, and the plot is as strong as a vice, full of drama which twists and turns like a spiral. A classic must-see.
Ghostwatch (1992)
Perfect
It was the day after Halloween, I was ten years old. I arrived back from my Nana's with my mother - my father and sister had indeed watched something very disturbing that night. Well, maybe not my dad, naïve and sceptical of all things unseen. The item that was the buzz of the media for the next few days was a show which was presented as true, which was in fact a staged drama of a paranormal investigation into the self-proclaimed `Most haunted house in Britain'. Even better, since bed-time was 9pm in those early days - it was on tape, for my enjoyment!
The documentary started and progressed much-like Children In Need, oozing of Crimewatch-esque scenes - subtle, crowds gathering outside the spectacle, minor celebrity Craig Charles (now of Robot Wars fame) chatting to the neighbourhood in the dead of the night. And, in the studio, Michael Parkinson radiates professionalism, giving the show an undeniable sense of seriousness. In the BBC, Parkinson and Sarah Green had never acted a staged drama before.
A young-looking Craig Charles used humour and traditional `Halloween's just a bit of fun' tactics to lighten the atmosphere early on, which sucked the youthful audience in until they wouldn't ever want to escape. Then, at the point of no turning back, a masterstroke in film was pulled off and the audience was taken in by a whirlwind of strange activity which cut the proverbial throat of all fun and games and drove the drama into new heights of dread and evil.
As Parkinson fails to digest any of the happenings and focusses on his presentation from the studio, Sarah Green, presenting from the house, with family of the victims of a ghost they named `Mr Pipes', are locked in an atmosphere you could cut with a knife. Here, the film programs your mind to become paranoid creating a scene which will weld you to the screen, eyes fixated. The film uses all the tricks of a real documentary to create a familiar tone, the phone-ins, promotion of books, viewers actually phoning up - combined with the presence of the paranormal, it is a lethal concoction.
Very early into the film we see supposedly supernatural footage on tape, of a bedside lamp exploding. A curtain reveals a vague outline of what the children and the mother believe to be the offender, `Mr Pipes'. The overall conclusion is that this is just a trick of the light. Into the `live' filming, we are teased with dimly lit areas and lighting which could suggest Pipes is present on screen at all times, unknown to Green and to the audience. Scenes in contrast from the loud social of the street to the silent, dimly-lit homeliness of the house work perfectly, the feeling of dread and of a presence, and an evil one of that, are never absent throughout the last thirty minutes.
After being shocked to our skins with suggestive occurrences, and god forbid the force actually concealed within the confines of the screen, in
darkness and in light, the show reaches a climax and all hell breaks loose. Total darkness engulfs the house like a black mist with the motivation of juggernauts, Green trying to find a solution, Charles with a noticeable absence, joking attitude dead and buried, as Parkinson can only look on from the comfort of the studio. The final scene comes, is over-the-top, but would at least wake the audience up from their sleep that this was not a real BBC investigation. As silly as it was, there could be no alternate ending for a sixty minute TV documentary which was paced with perfect accuracy. Parkinson breaking a sweat, the evils of this world embrace the studio and nowhere is safe. The credits roll as you wake up from a horrible nightmare.
Without a doubt, this was a masterpiece of film. The next day EVERYONE was talking about it. It was a cult hit within a matter of days, and beyond, people were traumatised. The media linked this to the suicide of a man - I was not surprised, Ghost Watch gave me nightmares for months afterwards. The curtains in my room became a homage for all kinds of faces, outlines, and mysteries which I could not comprehend. The film an inspiration, I vowed for the days where I could watch movies like Poltergeist and Amityville. Neither of those sequence of movies, or any other, for that matter cast a shadow on what was televised at half nine on BBC1. Sadly deleted and banned from screening ever again, the tape that Ghostwatch graced was accidentally wiped by my father, and has not been seen since 1993. At the time of youth, I didn't accept the work as fiction, until my Aunty tried to get hold of a copy of the book seen in the film. The book shop had been swamped with requests, familiarity overcame her face, the solemn answer was; `It was staged, the book doesn't exist'.
Hopefully I will get my hands on a copy of Ghost Watch again to watch after almost a decade. Today, Tony Parkinson still hosts his late-night interviewing show, Sarah Green is an old face in the crowd, Mike Smith is still around, and Craig Charles is the main face of Robot Wars, bereft of credibility after his media speculation.
Cannibal Holocaust (1980)
Over-hyped cannibal film with great special effects
Hype was brewing around this film ever since the UK's `horror uncovered' Vipco Vault Of Horror got permission to release (in edited or uncut) the video nasties of the late 70's/80's. I have to say that this movie in particular had a promising trailer, especially with the word on the street being the Blair Witch Project used a lot of it's idea's.
Pacing through icy snow on my way to the video store, nearly slipping and breaking my neck on thin ice, Vipco's film sat on the nearest shelf to the counter, so I snapped it up.
Watching the first ten minutes, a cheap introduction with some badly produced music, you have to trudge your way through a gang in search of a lost film crew. Meeting lots of cannibals, the cast are completely unlikable, pretentious, I for one didn't really care if someone feasted on their flesh. That's bad news, half of the suspense of a death is actually feeling bad for the guy who has just been impaled by a poisonous dart. However, no one in this film appears to be good. They meet lots of tribes on the way, and actually become friends with them - leading them to the site of the last dead crew member and his film.
This is where the film actually livens up, once the film is retrieved on a stick with the poor cameraman's flesh and bones, the film is taken back to New York, to be viewed in full.
No one could be prepared for what is in store on this tape. A film crew drowned in unfamiliarity of their surroundings up to the point they have to indulge in it. Sleeping in the trees to avoid being poisoned by the creatures of the Jungle, the viewer will go through a whole variety of emotions, anger, disgust. well - two emotions. This band of morons (supposedly they were meant to be portrayed that way) start abusing territory which isn't even theirs, using weapons never seen before by cannibal eyes - setting fire to huts, raping, pillaging, destroying. Hard to watch at times, they certainly did a good job on the special effects, everything looks real enough to have the viewer feeling sick at dismembered limbs.
Animal cruelty should never been involved in the film for the viewers enjoyment. Thankfully, the UK version (as is traditional), blatantly cuts out scenes which I could imagine I would be reaching for the sick bucket over. Here the only full animal deaths are of a tarantula and a snake being chopped to bits, the turtle does not get dismembered, but you get a rather chilling shot of his shell afterwards. The monkey gets away as is obvious in the first ten minutes, but they could have done with a better editor. No reason for a discreet shot of it. I'm also sure they cut out several rape scenes (one with a rock), but - that's for the better.
After the film ended, I was left questioning the movie in terms of it's message. So; `Who is the real cannibal? The cannibals or the film crew?' The film crew were the real savages. So what? How does this render the film a `masterpiece'? Are the film crew supposed to reflect society as a whole? Surely, an insult to intelligence? Tell me, who in society would be sick enough to go through what we saw in the film? Okay, I agree, there will always be the odd one, but the message is distorted with what we see on screen, society really wouldn't go to the lengths seen here. I'm telling you now, maybe it's just me, but I think if I was with a film crew like that, I'd be cheering for the cannibals.
Cannibal Holocaust has plenty of blood and guts to satisfy any fan of gross-out movies. Unfortunately, with a confusing message, it really doesn't have much else to offer.
3/5
Scary Movie (2000)
A good one-night-laugh
It's true that times change. Porky's made quite a stir within the media decades back, a crude `teen' film which was offensive back in those days and was covered with sexual references from top to bottom. In the late 90's, other movies came along which were being classed as `The Porky's of the 90's', such as American Pie, There's Something About Mary etc... These, while tastless still, vanished without a trace. In 2000, a horror movie spoof named Scary Movie arrived. Had this movie been released ten years ago, the broadcasting standards would have banned this movie outright.
The Internet is now making people more accustomed to the likes of delicate subjects. Sex is commonplace, offends very few now. Your average teen has probably had so much sex they can relate to this easily. This film is Porky's multiplied by ten. This spoof analyses the slasher movie, from Friday the 13th to modern day `classics' such as Scream, and basically points and laughs.
The Wayans Bros want us to be offended. Luckily, your writer has seen enough of this type of film to be offended. This film is intentionally crude, silly, and outrageous. And in the process it also makes you realise the fine line between memorable films and forgettable ones. Scary Movie is a film to watch with friends, have a laugh at, then leave. It has been no less then 24 hours from me enjoying the films humour, and I've forgotten most of what happens already. Now, take a classic like John Carpenter's `The Thing'. I saw this movie many years ago, and I can still remember everything about it. The only thing that sticks in my mind on view of this film is the hordes of teenage audiences, they are the ones that will truly enjoy this film. This is their genre. Sad as it is, promiscuity, oral sex, excessive alcohol, dope smoking and anti-gay stance is everything they can relate to. Funny as your writer sounds, your writer is 19 too this film was merely a step over the neighbours fence.
More disturbing is the fact that someone here pointed out, anyone in the United States can get into the cinema to see this. The sad truth of what is happening today in society. Although I believe censorship should be there, since parents today aren't capable of looking after their children enough to know what influence films can have.
This film marks the overdue burial of the slasher movie. So predictable, Scary Movie stands firmly on the dying body of all things Friday The 13th, Halloween, and (god forbid) Leprechaun.
5/10
Nightbreed (1990)
Great
This film is possibly one of the most original horror flicks to have ever come out of the 20th century. I probably can relate to this film a lot more than some people. Releasing a game on most formats in 1990, I had the storyline up to my eyeballs and the expectation of seeing the film was huge. When I was sixteen I managed to get someone to rent the video out for me (it received an `18' certificate). After watching once, I was slightly disappointed. Then, I watched it again.
This film has a deep, deep meaning. Clive Barker is an absolute genius. The storyline and plot are truly wonderful, on pace all the time, never letting up for a minute. There are plenty of standout scenes and memorable one-liners. Monsters are usually portrayed as evil, the bad. Here they want to live in secret, the humans are the ones that envy their purity and decide to invade the Night Breed's home underneath a cemetery. This myth has gone around for years, the Night Breed, the undead where the pain of real life goes away. And tied in the plot is Doctor Decker (aka The Mask), a serial killer who convinces his patient (Boone) that he has committed a series of brutal murders, and he must hand himself into the police.
Arguably some of the scenes are a little silly, there is a hint of black-comedy in there which seems unnecessary in some scenes. However, the cemetery itself is the most beautiful looking things you will ever see in film, it's exotic, stylish, full of strange statues and buildings.
Best scene in the film goes to Peloquin with desires to eat Boone. This is one that stays in my heart as one of the most powerful scenes in horror movie history, with some stunning acting and some great make-up. You can't help laughing when this monster spouts: `F*** the law, I want MEAT!' Other memorable scenes include the psychiatric patient who ends up ripping his own face off to prove he is worthy of the Breed. The wonder of this scene is Barker's hint of tongue-in-cheek.
As for the gore factor, it is pretty high, but I still believe Hellraiser and it's sequels are twice as gory as this. Definitely a film for Barker films to see. But not one to watch for a casual night in with a pizza and a few beers.
House on Haunted Hill (1999)
*Yawn*
Oh how the film changed.
It seems like the curse of the late 90's/early 21st century horror movie strikes again. Analyse the appeal of the horror movie: a good, strong atmosphere, combined with chills, and a bit of mystery... This movie scores zero in all three departments. Instead they seem to score highly for bad acting, absolutely HORRIFIC camera angles, a bad cast, and cheap special effects. I mean, this film is about as believable as Elvis recording a new record with Dr Dre.
This is your typical haunted-house movie, but this time the guests will receive a million pounds if they manage to stay alive. The storyline is twisted, but certainly not in a good way. The rather cartoonish-style setting doesn't get high marks from me, the cast are braindead, they over-sell every emotion. Combined with `fake-scares', a Friday The 13th movie is more worthy than this third-rate 90's trash.
Take the dialogue for example. What an inspired dialogue. The writers must have got bored and handed a pen and paper to a bunch of drunks. The script consists of lots of four letter words. Sad to see that bad language seems to have occurred more and more with films in the past five years. Let's hope in the future the dumb writers manage to inject a few real words into the script.
The film may start off well, but ten minutes in, you start to realise this film throws character development out of the window and instead focusses on sex, blood, and gore. And not even the special effects are convincing, WHERE are those lights coming from?!!! It's a dark corridor, so where in the blue-hell is light coming from? Definitely not a torch, that. Even the pathetic ending hosts to some of the lamest CGI effects ever, which has murdered horror and sci-fi movies for the past ten years. Tell me, how convincing is it when a shape-shifter moves around at half the frame rate of the actual picture?
The real killer is that the film is portrayed more of a comedy than a horror. The humour conquers the horror in every scene, which devours any chance of the audience being scared.
2/5
Graveyard Shift (1990)
Good
Stephen King films are usually a lot worse then the books. His worst stinker to date was the incredibly poor `It'. This, I believe, was one of the films that I didn't manage to see during my Stephen King phase, screening on television late night.
My mother can hear the TV upstairs when she is asleep, but I managed to watch this without her hearing anything, in the dark at around one in the morning. It really helped the atmosphere. This movie has a bleak atmosphere, one that is truly evil. The fact that the exposure this film gets in the horror genre is practically nil, it really surprised me. When watched late at night, it certainly sends a chill down your spine some truly horrible scenes are in this. Take the scene where the mans head gets crushed by a coffin outside in the pouring rain, in the mud, his head gets crushed into rock, mixing blood with mud, then all you hear is the eerie silence and the pouring of rain. This scene is really eerie, and sent chills right down my spine.
This film isn't brilliant, but it's certainly one of the only Stephen King films that managed to make me feel slightly unsettled. The only other moment in a King film that had me shocked was when you saw someone getting shot through the back, with blood spraying out the other side in Misery. It was a true `Where did that come from' moment! The acting is average, and the special effects are as good as they need to be. The ending is somewhat uninspired. Overall, a good `watch late at night in the dark' movie.
Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000)
"It was an accident!!!! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!!!"
The Blair Witch Project was an original film. We saw for the first time, a movie that was set through the video-camera lens, from a bunch of college-goers producing a documentary for their project. The film was dark, atmospheric, realistic, but subtle in its execution. That's what makes that film so wonderful, your own imagination working to produce the real scares. Your own imagery of what was really out there. You don't need fat-cat special effect's producers to show you.
And then we come to Blair Witch 2. This time there is another original approach. The film is set in a time where the original Blair Witch film is portrayed as a cult film, featuring a bunch of fans, selling merchandise on their web site. A bunch of them go along to Burkitsville (the town where this fictitious story is supposed to have taken place), and basically hang about in the woods. Er, guys. this is a fictitious story remember - a film. You won't see any witches out there. They decide to camp out there anyway, where their own little imaginations go wild, and they start to dream of strange things. We have a bunch of people we've never heard of, with little acting talent. We have a lead character. It's really hard to find anything we like about him. In fact, it's hard to find anything to like about the ENTIRE CAST! Erica is the beautiful `girl of nature' that summons up good, but she's so strange I don't really understand her role in the film at all. She just talks to trees and stuff. Then we have the pathetic goth girl. Good god, what a mess. Maybe if she kept her mouth shut and stopped swearing every three seconds she'd be fine. There is nothing more to kill the atmosphere then a group of sceptics who wouldn't believe in the supernatural if it was shot up their backsides through a shotgun. Nothing actually weird ever goes on, only in their minds. Brilliant. Then various members of the Blair-aholics find they have markings on them from an ancient alphabet, which a Goth tells us; `Means a witch touched us'.
Guess what guys? Yep, it's a whodunit film. One of the fans of the film is actually the Blair Witch. Er. but according to the storyline the Blair Witch isn't even real. Oh well, not that anything makes any sense anyway. Yes, people, it's SCREAM time! Except the story is so lame and the plot has as much direction as a spider with no legs, that you couldn't give a monkeys what's going on. The script seems to have been pieced together by one of those randomisers you find in the box of Twister; `You gotta understand that', `Are you crazy?', and `What the f**k are you talking about?'.
The plot makes absolutely no sense all the way through. We keep getting shots at the end of the film with various members of the cast being questioned in a cell saying `It was an accident!!! It really was!' Most of the film goes through video tapes of the things they saw in the woods. Hours of the video taping is missing, they want to find out why. They get dreams about strange things such as the Goth eating an owl, people getting sliced and diced, and sex. The sex part is probably the best part of the entire movie, despite the fact that it rarely ever works in a horror movie. But the movie was so incredibly poor, it breathed a little bit more excitement into this shameful monstrosity.
#SPOILERS AHEAD# The ending is so incredibly weak, it even matches having Bruce Willis finish off the bad guy in a Die Hard film by stamping on his foot. Yes, it's THAT bad. The woman who you least expect to be the witch er. IS the Blair Witch. I hear the director whisper in my ear: `Heh, bet you didn't expect THAT coming did you? Good eh?' No, it's a rubbish idea, that should never have been utilised in a film like this. At the end comes the most pathetic of all `psychic' messages; `Run the tape backwards, and all will be revealed! I. just know.' Oh, so running the tape backwards means all that missing footage will be revealed? Oh brilliant. What the. What have you DONE?! I think they went for a WWF-style twist. Speaking of which, this film features more wrestling lookalikes then any other film I've seen. Look out for this lot: X-Pac, Taka Michinoku and Daphne (David Flairs manager from WCW). Why do I mention that? Well, it'll give you something to do for if you ever have to sit down through this miserable film again.
Overall, I think that this is the WORST film I have ever had to sit through. Not just as a sequel, it plunges to new depths of awfulness as a film itself. I can hardly BELIEVE this. The only real good part of the film is the music itself, from acts such as Marilyn Manson and Queens Of The Stone Age. The rest of the film is a non-sensical, dire mess full of poor acting, pathetic camera-switching (why can't they keep the shot still for once for gods sake?), un-natural lighting, bad characters, `fake' scares, and the list goes on. If you're an original Blair Witch fan, I won't be able to stop you watching this. But by god, you'll regret ever wasting your money to see this.
Some said that the sequel had to change its roots. Well, do you think setting a sequel with a new group of people camping out in the woods, aimed with video cameras, would have been any worse then this? They could have made it so that a group of seven or so people camped out in the woods to find out what happened to the three campers of the first film. More could have been uncovered. More strange things could have happened.
It seems like since the late 90's, people are unable to make a decent horror movie. The latest horror movie that was brilliant was the original Blair Witch. The horror movie is dead.
Witchboard (1986)
Beware the Moonwalk!
When I was a child, we used to perform little ceremonies with a ouija board. We scared ourselves half to death. All kneeling down in a dark corner, making sure our parents didn't catch us with our fingers on their favourite drinking glass. Ahhh, the memories. We have all grown up now, at which point I noticed a film about a ouija board televised on the Sci-Fi Channel that night.
What SHOULD have been a terrifying, creepy, skin-crawling experience, turned out to be a yawn-inducing low-budget movie which has about three scenes of any merit. Give me a Video Camera and we could REALLY create something atmospheric. This film was unbelievable, the dialogue was awful, the cast were unenthusiastic, the camera angles amateurish. The ending is staggeringly weak. Linda gets possessed by the entity Malfeitor, who they contacted using the board. This causes her to sport a low-toned voice and dress like Michael Jackson from the film Moonwalker. Maybe if you had the mind working on this film then it could have been something interesting. For example, an evil spirit which they know NOTHING about causing havoc in their house. Instead we get a disappointing picture of a murderer who killed 9 people. Bah. Stay away.