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Reviews
Planet of the Apes (2001)
Pale imitation pulverizes where original mesmerized
A pale imitation of the 60's classic, obviously made only with the intention of raking in big bucks at the box office. It has no resonance, no spark, no soul. No reason for being. I was suckered into seeing it by the promise of Tim Burton's visionary direction; but the end result could have been filmed by anyone (just a few more explosions and it could have been Michael Bay). While sitting through it, I indulged in a fond reverie of watching the original in a theater, way back in the day, mesmerized. Monkeying around with this classic only left this audience member pulverized.
Magnolia (1999)
Bitter disappointment, especially to Aimee Mann fans
Just spent the last two hours of my life watching the DVD of Magnolia, for which I paid $4 in rental fees (plus tax). It felt like an eternity. If only time would fly when you're being bored like it does when you're having fun! One hour into it, I turned to my wife and I said, "I hope it gets better." Two hours in, knowing there was one more hour to go, I turned to my wife and asked, "Are you enjoying this?" Fortunately, I got the answer I was looking for, so I did not have to leave the room. (I have had oral surgery that was more enjoyable than watching this movie.) When I found out that Aimee Mann wrote the songs on the soundtrack, I thought, "Cool!" And the soundtrack album is pretty darned good, albeit partially a rehash of her "Bachelor No. 2" album. But not much of her music managed to sneak into the first 2 hours of the movie. I was far more patient with this movie than I should have been. If the film-makers cannot engage my attention and arouse my sympathy for their characters within 30 minutes (much less 120), then it's time to pull the plug and get on with life.
Dark Angel: The Ascent (1994)
Amateur night losers
Low-budget indeed! So many shots in this "film" were bereft of any visual detail or texture, its straight-to-video intentions were painfully apparent. Why did I start to watch this flick? Generally positive reviews found here and, more to the point, Videohound's four-bone rating (highest on the scale). This causes me to doubt the trustworthiness of anything the Videohound wrote. Did I finish watching this flick? No. Do yourself a favor; don't start.