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Reviews
Suitable Flesh (2023)
More gender swapped trash
Original story featured characters Dan Upton and Edward Derby. Here we get Daniella Upton and Elizabeth Derby. Because...of course. I didn't care for the psychiatrist angle either, it seemed too convenient and not fitting for a Lovecraft story. I am always understanding (although oftentimes regretful) of the fact source material needs to be modified and left out to fit into a movie, but this was based on a short story. The performances overall were fine; Graham is usually always good in whatever she's in. I just wish the screenplay had stayed truer to the original story. The final chapter in it was amazing and would have translated well to film.
Archer (2009)
Shark: Jumped
Who thought this incredibly obnoxious new character was a good idea? I've been trying to stay with it but anymore I'm noping out of the episodes within seconds of Zara showing up.
I don't mind new characters, even 14 years into a show, as long as they don't...you know...suck. But the writing for Zara is so beyond obnoxious and intolerable its impossible to watxh anymore. This show has always handled introducing new, recurring characters really well even if they weren't great or made much sense (looking st you, Robert) but this time the producers wer the bed.
Maybe take a page out of how Married With Children handled Seven? Send her up the stairs, only to never be seen again aside from a brief appearance on a milk carton a year or two later.
Twisted Metal (2023)
Could be rated much higher, BUT
The character of Quiet is written so poorly it almost makes it unwatchable. Clearly she's competent but she is constantly doing so many stupid things and creating problems that it's impossible to like her. The acting is fine; it's 100% the writing.
The overall concept is surprisingly good. The acting by the primaries is really good across the board and the CGI is acceptable for what this is. I'd like to see more seasons but only if they fix the inconsistent writing. Arnett/Samoa Joe kill it as Sweet Tooth.
Another thing I found surprising is this is more character and story driven than it is reliant on the car combat the game series is known for. The car combat that does exist is pretty cool.
Breaking Bad: Fly (2010)
That time Rian Johnson turned Walter into Wile E Coyote
The title says it all. The only episode that, to me, is a chore to get through. Walter gets OCD about a fly in the lab. Goes to great lengths to eliminate fly. Headbumps and pratfalls ensue. Jesse joins in. Neither character acts or talks like themselves in many scenes. It's a weird departure from the established traits for both characters. Walt comes up with a device to kill the fly that I'm pretty sure is listed under product 43-1 in the ACME catalogue. It's that ridiculous. Walt locks Jesse out of thr lab at one point, so Jesse starts screaming at the laundry workers for an are. Really? Then Jesse searches and goes through the Butch progression in Pulp Fiction as he discards one device for another, ultimately trading up to a sledgehammer. Why? To break open the door to an underground, secret multi million dollar meth lab? Is that really his plan? Jesse has been established as a hothead at times who forgoes reasonable thought, but since he's been sober for some time at this point there's absolutely no way even he would have entertained this plan.
There's also a part where Jesse doses Walt's coffee with so many pills that not only would they not have dissolved, but since the coffee was black Walt would have tasted it immediately.
In the end the whole exercise was pointless as Walt decides that the contamination threat the fly poses really isn't important after all. Then Jesse kills the fly.
Horrible way to spend 48 minutes of your time. The episode of Lost that focused on the origin of Jack's tattoo was not only more entertaining but it was more relevant to the overall story than this garbage is. And I hate that episode of Lost.
Married with Children: The Desperate Half-Hour (1997)
The worst episode of the series
I don't count Top of the Heap and Radio Free Trumaine as actual episodes since those two were intended to jump start spinoff shows.
That said, this episode was really cringey and ruined by the Starla character. Considering there was never a supporting character portrayed like this one in the 11 years the show was around, I would guess the manner in which this character was portrayed was a result of bad decision making by the actress.
Oddly, the series regular were on top of their game here which made Starla stand out even more in a negative light. I say "oddly" because her performance was so bad and out of sorts for this show that I can't believe the others were able to overcome it.
The Haunting of Hill House (2018)
That ending, though...why?
I mean come on...really? No spoilers but I will say the ending was horrible. The first 9 episodes and maybe the first 15 minutes of episode 10 are amazing. Episode 6 sets the bar on so many levels for future horror shows; it will blow you away. And then it all led to episode 10, which almost killed everything they worked so hard to achieve prior to it.
I gave the overall series a 7 because the ending was that bad. It would have been an easy 10 otherwise.
In the end I'm glad I watched it because of all the great acting, writing, and directing prior to the last episode. Its just mind boggling that the show resolved itself the way it did.
The Cloverfield Paradox (2018)
"The Shepard isn't working? Have you tried turning it off and back on again?"
They should've worked that line into the script.
As a standalone film, this is Sy-Fy tripe with decent cgi. As an entry into the Cloverfield universe it almost works. Almost. They tried too hard to shoehorn things into the movie that identify it as Cloverfield, such as the bunker from 10 Cloverfield lane. The problem is they gave away the tie in 15 minutes into the movie with the exposition that during the particle accelerator would rip apart reality not only in the present but throughout time and multiple dimensions.
However to make sense of the 3 current films (and any films to come) you really do have to watch the whole movie. Ignore the undercooked plot with Jensen trying to kill Zimo amd steal his work. Ignore the senseless decision by a supposedly intelligent Hamilton to stay in a universe she doesn't belong to. Just know that Cloverfield has now become an anthology. None of the movies need to tie in directly because they've given themselves an out.
As I see it the original took place in the viewing present. 10 Cloverfield lane was also more or less the present but in a different universe. There were aliens attacking in that universe instead of monsters. The bunker and the John Goodman character exist in the universe in Paradox, but most likely in the Paradox universe Goodman isn't a psychotic serial killer.
In Paradox, the home universe is most likely the same as in the original film except its far in the future. When they fire the particle accelerator they unleashed monsters in their universe at multiple timelines. The universe that Jensen is from is a third universe that closely mirrors the first universe.
Lots to think about. Lets see what happens with the next movie.
Silent Hill (2006)
A bad movie, an even worse interpretation of the source material
For the people who say this is the best movie they've ever seen, etc, I say to them...this must also be the only movie you've ever seen.
The movie on its own makes no sense. If you go in with a knowledge of the series its even worse because Gans changes so much of the story you can't figure out what's what.. The entire plot is full of holes and time line problems, not mention atrocious dialogue and bad acting from Radha Mitchell. It might have been that her character was written just that poorly, but she certainly didn't do anything with it to make it better.
The movie does have its bright spots. Gans did a wonderful job with the sets and with the creatures. Those were spot-on, and probably worth the matinée admission for fans of the game series. Just know that the outcome will not resemble what was presented as the story in the game, and no matter how many ways you look at it...it will not make sense. The little girl did a good job in this one as well, aside from playing Sharon like a whiny 3 year old instead of the 9 year old she was supposed to be. That was probably Gans' fault though.
Easily the highlight of the movie was the Pyramid Head character. Unfortunately he was on screen too seldom and with no explanation as to what he was or why he was there, and he pretty much was wasted in this one.
I think its fair to say that Gans and Avary almost entered Paul Anderson territory with the treatment they gave to the SH story. Almost. Anderson's butchering of the Resident Evil story was still worse though, but Avary seemed to want to give Anderson's screenplay a run for the title.
Finally, for the people who say that a good movie will leave you wondering at the end, will leave you to your imagination to fill in the blanks...well, kind of. Think of Memento and Sixth Sense, movies that did this well. Those had good scripts and good acting and good directing. Silent Hill leaves you guessing because it had none of those elements, it makes no sense at all. It contradicts itself, it talks circles around itself, and no amount of spin can change that. Its just not a good movie. It deserves every bad review it gets. The fact that the studio refused to advance screen it for critics should be clue enough that even Sony knew this movie was bad.
I can only hope that there is a movie version of Silent Hill 2 made, and whomever helms it LEAVES THE STORY ALONE!
The Brady Bunch 35th Anniversary Reunion Special: Still Brady After All These Years (2004)
TVLand should be ashamed to have Jenny McCarthy on its payroll
This was just a horrible, embarrassing show. It was a treat to see all of the Bunch together, plus Sherwood Schwartz, but somehow TVLand turned it into an empty fiasco. Why? Mainly because of talentless Jenny McCarthy as your host. She constantly tried to make herself the center of attention, she acted like a 14 year old, and was very clearly making at least several of the Bradys uncomfortable with her behavior. It was painfully obvious that she wasn't prepared in the least for this show, and instead of moderating and letting the cast talk and interact with each other she cut off each person with annoying squeals and idiotic comments.
Whoever set this garbage up should never work in a TV studio again. Whoever decided Jenny McCarthy should come anywhere near this project should be dumped in a river. Didn't they have rehearsals? I honestly wonder if they did, because you got the impression this was McCarthy's first time through reading those cards.
Halloween: Resurrection (2002)
What a pile of feces
I had resisted the temptation to see Halloween: Resurrection at the theaters, and it turned out to be a wise decision. Better to waste $2 on the rental than $9 at the show. This is quite possibly the worst of the lot, and that says a lot considering how bad the last 4 of these movies have been. This film makes Season of the Witch seem like a cinematic masterpiece. The first 16 minutes of this clunker serve as a sort of prologue. In this part we see Jamie Lee, again proving why she is among (if not THE) worst actresses ever. The premise in which we discover why Michael still lives is laughable...come on, watch the paramedic walking around an accident scene while brandishing a large knife and tell me you didn't laugh at it. I'm guessing her appearance semi-served to identify this movie with the rest of the series, to "validate" it if you will. All it did was bore me.
Then we get to the main premise which is actually something that showed promise: put some people in the Meyer's house on Halloween and do a webcast. But right away we get your generic ensemble of victims thrust upon us, and you find yourself not caring about them a bit. Why? Partly because you know nothing about them. Upon viewing the deleted scenes you see an extended version of the scene where they're all introduced, but as the director explains he felt it was too long and that he could more effectively introduce them with the scene used in the movie. He was wrong. The deleted scene, while a bit draggy (could've been streamlined though), actually was much better than what made the final cut. You end up not being able to get a clear feel for anyone in this film, and you honestly could care less what happens to them. Yes its a horror film, but some type of character development/introduction is still necessary for the film to work. Another shortcoming was the reasoning for them being in the house. I think it would have been suitable for them to be there as a publicity stunt, to put them in a scary place and see if they "survive" the webcast. Instead we're told that they're in there to "find the truth, to find answers" of why Mikey went bad. Bah. Anyway, the movie has its generic kills and a really uninspired ending.
The whole concept of what Michael Meyers is/was (and why) has been misused, abused, and generally distorted. This movie, like most of the sequels, has no style and no sense of what the franchise should be. Its easily among the worst movies I've ever seen, a list that includes H2O as well. Avoid this at all costs.