Apearlo Reviews

Rushmore (1998)

Cult hit waiting to happen

[10/10 · 1 March 2000]

Thank god this movie got made. Max Fischer, a 10th grader with very poor grades, is captain or president of every club at Rushmore Academy who falls for a widowed first-grade teacher. His friend, Blume, also falls for her, and the two begin an all-out war to win Miss Cross. Jason Schwartzman is excellent in his debut and Bill Murray (has he ever had a bad role?) is at his best.

Love and a .45 (1994)

Surprising Crime Romp

[7/10 · 1 December 1999]

I must admit, I was pleasantly surprised by this film. All I'd heard prior to seeing it was that it featured the world's first celluloid skull tattoo (it does, but that's another story). After seeing it, I highly recommend it to fans of the crime/road trip genre.

Gil Bellows and Renee Zellweger are Texas lovers in trouble with the law after killing some cops after him for a robbery/murder. Rory Cochrane, as his crazed ex-partner, follows the two to Mexico. The trip south of the border comprises most of the movie, and what a trip it is. Co-starring are Jeffrey Combs, excellent in a non-horror role, and Peter Fonda as --what else?-- a burn-out. The mostly rockabilly soundtrack is very good.

Space Mutiny (1988)

Wanna see a Debbie Reynolds lookalike?

[11 November 1999]

This is it! She rolls around on the floor with Thrust McLargeHuge and her dad is Santa!! This laughable "Battlestar Galactica"/"Star Wars" rip-off was a laugh riot on MST3K. I'd hate to sit through the actual version. Incidentally, the middle-aged daughter is star Cameron Mitchell's real daughter. Yay?

Vampires (1998)

John Carpenter's Best In Years

[7/10 · 8 November 1999]

This fun adaptation of John Steakley's novel aptly came out around Halloween a couple of years ago and was quite a treat. James Woods is at his gonzo best as the leader of a vampire hunter group. When most of his team is killed, he recruits a young priest (and proceeds to abuse him throughout the movie) and with Daniel Baldwin and hooker Sheryl Lee (who was bit by a master) they go to find an artifact in order to prevent the vampires from walking in the daylight. Blood-soaked action from start to finish. You may recognise the main vampire as the villain from "The Karate Kid Part III."

The Giant Spider Invasion (1975)

A Movie About White Trash

[8 November 1999]

This gross, idiotic piece of crap was brought to us by the director of "Monster A Go-Go" and "The Incredible Melting Man." A scathing expose of Wisconsin farmers, spiders, booze, and failing marriages. If you've ever wanted to see a skinny-legged, pot-bellied farmer in his long underwear and truss, this is the movie for you!

The Projected Man (1966)

Jim Henson's Altered State Babies...

[8 November 1999]

Boring English horror/sci-fi about a boring scientist who wants to project matter through space, a la Andre Delambre in "The Fly". Unfortunately, this backfires and said scientist becomes an ugly mutant with the touch of death... I guess. I really wasn't paying attention. Even on MST3K you may need to bring the caffeine pills.

Teenage Strangler (1964)

Fun Local Trash!

[8 November 1999]

Like many others, I saw this on MST3K (albeit a long time ago). It was hilarious, and I'm sure it's pretty funny on it's own, too. The plot has something to do with a teenage strangler, a new kid with a bad rep, his bike-stealing mongoloid younger brother, and a malt shop sock hop. What I remember most is the movie being so colourful that it was just pretty to look at despite what happened on screen, and of course the memorable acting of young Mikey, who was related to the director in some way to earn his role. Features the "hit" single "Yipe Stripes" and a cheat ending.

Devil Doll (1964)

No Ham For Hugo=Killing Spree

[8 November 1999]

The Great Vorelli, a creepy and oddly popular ventriloquist/hypnotist (there's an appealing combo), and his disobedient dummy Hugo entertain an old lady's party. There, Vorelli falls for her niece, a dull-witted girl with amazing false eyelashes. This makes her equally dull-witted boyfriend, newspaper man William "Heywood Floyd" Sylvester, jealous. He and a meat-based friend go to Berlin and learn that Vorelli has transferred the soul of a young man into his dummy... and has plans for Sylvester's fiancee.

Worth watching on MST3K and in "normal" form for the cool trick ending. Leading man Bryant Halliday went on to be "The Projected Man."

The Crawling Hand (1963)

The Crawling Plot

[8 November 1999]

Michael J. Weldon of "Pyschotronic" fame calls this movie important because of the inclusion of the song "Papa Oom Mow Mow." He needs to have his head examined. Herbert L Strock (who should change his name to Schlock) brings us the tale of a troubled teen, his vapid Swedish girlfriend, and the live hand of a dead astronaut. The hand possesses the teen and he kills his landlady and tries to kill the malt shop owner. Finally he throws it in the trash and cats eat it. The end. Notable for appearances by Peter Breck and Allison Hayes. My favourite part was the eye makeup on the astronaut who got blowed up real good.

Eegah (1962)

Roxy!!

[8 November 1999]

Far and away one of the worst movies ever. Arch Hall shows his contempt for the world by casting his ugly blonde son Arch Jr. as the "hero" Tommy, whose girlfriend Roxy is kidnapped by the title character, big Richard Kiel. They escape and Eegah follows to a pool party, where death awaits. Fun. With director Ray Dennis Steckler as the guy thrown into a pool by Eegah.

I'm embarrassed to admit it, but some of the songs are catchy. A beloved MST episode. Watch out for snakes!

The Day the Earth Froze (1959)

Also known as "The Day The Earth Froze"

[8 November 1999]

Beautifully photographed Russo-Finnish goofiness about a witch who freezes the Earth after townsfolk steal her beloved Sampo. The question on most viewers' minds is, what the hell is Sampo? Oh, well. Make sure you see the MSTied version for the full goofy effect.

The Spider (1958)

Does anyone actually like Bert I Gordon movies?

[8 November 1999]

I saw this years ago on MST3K. It was funny, but tedious at the same time. I think Crow's "Earth Vs Soup" movie might have been more entertaining. Anyway, this is typical Mr BIG giant monster nonsense with dumb teens, improbable plotline, and bad effects. If you must watch a Bert I Gordon film, why not "Village of the Giants"? At least you can play spot the star...

The Sword and the Dragon (1956)

If you loved "Sampo"...

[8 November 1999]

From the same directors/actors: an epic tale of a cripple who is cured and goes on some kind of quest against Mongols (?) and a three-headed, firebreathing dragon. Check it out--the guy playing his older son looks like Michael Keaton! *Very* hilarious as seen on MST3K.

Revenge of the Creature (1955)

Revenge on the viewer

[8 November 1999]

This movie sucks. Still, it's got John Agar, so there's at least some schlock-actor value. Plus, an early role for Clint Eastwood, looking like the ******we all went to school with. Anyway, the creature is brought to Sea World or something, falls for an icthyologist (who can barely pronounce the word and I bet she can't spell it, either), then gets shot and dies again. I love happy endings. Notable as the first film on the Sci-Fi Channel's revival of "MST3K" (before its subsequent cancellation, the b*******).

Hamlet (1960 TV Movie)

Alas, Poor Viewer...

[21 October 1999]

How bad is this version of Hamlet? The original dialogue was translated into German, which was in turn dubbed in English... I don't know about you, but my head is spinning.

Anyway, this looks like a filmed play, on the set of an Obsession advert, and the only amusement to be had is trying to catch the words match the lips.

Notable as being the only film to bring culture (?!) to MST3K. Actually, their version is pretty funny, but only under those circumstances.

Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders (1996 Video)

More Harmful than "Seven"

[1/10 · 11 October 1999]

Want a reason to be thankful that Ernest Borgnine isn't your grampa(besides the possibility of inheriting his looks)? Check out the creepy-ass bedtime stories he tells his grandson and then try not to hate. It features pets dying, hateful men becoming babies, and a frantic psychic who seems to wanna beat the crap out of the guy she's talking to.

Also features the hit single, "Rock N' Roll Martian."

Girl in Gold Boots (1968)

Ted V. Mikels finally comes to MST3K

[11 October 1999]

As other bad-film aficionados know, Mikels is (in)famous for "The Astro-Zombies" and "The Corpse Grinders", but he also made this seamy look at go-go clubs in the 60's. Features a guy named Critter, a bad Bogie wannabe, and more false eyelashes than you'll find in a drag queen's vanity, this isn't the worst movie ever made, and has a slightly campy, uh, charm. Now if only the Best Brains could've got their hands on some Al Adamson movies... *sigh*

The Final Sacrifice (1990 Video)

Rowsdower?

[11 October 1999]

Further proof that Atom Egoyan is Canada's only decent filmaker, "The Final Sacrifice" has that last-known-photograph quality so evident in the average crappy film that will make you want to kill yourself if you happen to catch it on TV on a Sunday afternoon. It's fun pretending that Troy is really k.d. lang, if you have the energy after the opening credits. Don't catch hockey hair!

Phantom of the Paradise (1974)

Watch out for the record press...

[7/10 · 11 October 1999]

This looks nothing like a De Palma film, which is to say it's watchable. It may freak you out when you first see it, but it'll probably grow on you, much like a fungus. :) The songs are interesting, Paul Williams and Gerritt Graham camp it up, and Jessica Harper gives the performance that led her to "Shock Treatment" (why could she never again live up to the promise shown in "Suspiria"?). William Finley is good as the Phantom, and actually tugs your heartstrings as Winslow. Watch for the psycho-freakout at the end!

Monster a Go-Go (1965)

There was no monster...

[11 October 1999]

Oops, did I ruin it for you? You'll thank me later. This movie was so awful, I've blocked it out. One thing I do remember is the telephone ring being done by a human voice -- no kidding! It's a riot, and probably the most expensive special effect. Not even Joel and the 'bots could save this from being mind-crushingly hurtful.

Santo vs. the Vampire Women (1962)

Atmospheric Cheese

[11 October 1999]

I mean the above as a good thing. Used for the last season six episode of MST3K, this Mexican wrestler film has good cinematography, an interesting plot, cool vampires... okay, so the girl's father has a goofy, dubbed voice and the wrestling scenes (one with a buff vampire!) might be tedious for some (like me). This movie has turned me on to Mexican horror of the 50's and 60's -- is that wrong?

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (1996)

One of the hundreds of movies released in 1996!

[10/10 · 27 September 1999]

Mike and the bots finally get their own movie, and it's a scream! They tackle 'This Island Earth', wreck the Hubble, and use an interociter to talk with some guy in the shower! Some people were upset that they used what is considered a 'classic' sci-fi movie, but fans of the film should give it a try. Fans of the show need no encouragement, and will recognise several elements from the show thrown into the movie (like the Torgo theme in one scene).

Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999)

THE Best Show Ever!!!

[27 September 1999]

What happens when you throw a guy, two robots, and cheesy, schlocky films together once a week? Some of the most brilliant, hilarious comedy ever conceived. Taking its cue from local horror-hosts, the show goes farther by actually showing the hosts in the theatre making fun of the movie. The show, cancelled after its 10th year, spawned a theatrical release, imitations, fan videos, and no equals. It will be around and loved long after Comedy Central and the Sci-Fi Channel are gone.

Werewolf (1995 Video)

Dis is obsalutly fussinading!

[23 September 1999]

I feel sorry for anyone who sat through this in its non-MSTied form. There's a guy with multiple hairdos, a bad puppet, another guy who looks like what might happen if Jerry Garcia were a Communist, and Joe Estevez. Everyone involved should be arrested for violating some sort of human rights act.

Hobgoblins (1988)

A Hurtful Gremlins Rip-Off

[23 September 1999]

Take five "teenagers", an old security guard, and horrendous ineptitude, and you have "Hobgoblins", a sickening reminder of '80's cinema. Rumour has it that the director himself submitted this to MST3K, much to the regret of Mike and the 'bots. Still, in MSTied form, it's hilarious.