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Prometheus (2012)
Perhaps the dumbest "intelligent" film ever made
I am a fan of Ridley Scott and a fan of the Alien series. I had heard a few negative reviews of the film but was completely unprepared for just how absolutely awful the film was.
I am tempted to fill this review with a lengthy spoiler-filled rant picking apart all of the ridiculous story elements but you're probably better off watching the "Honest Movie Trailer" for the film instead.
It's always painful to watch movies about scientists that were written by people who have no concept of what science is all about. Throughout the entire film it is obvious that the writers have complete contempt for their audience, populating this scientific mission with the stupidest crew in the universe. The writers can then hide their own incompetence behind the incompetence of their moronic characters.
Nothing makes sense in this movie. The story is one giant heap of plot contrivances that shouldn't have even made it into a rough first draft. How such a mess could've been made by such talented filmmakers (and actually praised by major critics like Roger Ebert and Leonard Maltin) baffles me. Don't waste your time with this film unless you are prepared to pause it every few minutes to yell at the screen.
Despicable Me 2 (2013)
A perfect example of what not to do with a sequel, but still half enjoyable.
I really enjoyed the original film but had serious doubts that they could do much with a sequel. However, the trailer made me quite hopeful so I actually walked into this film with high expectations.
But within minutes it was obvious that this film was falling into all the obvious traps for bad sequels. In the opening party scene it was clear that these were not the same characters from the original but just caricatures of them.
Why did they have to make Gru such an incompetent idiot this time around? Makes it hard to root for him. The introduction of Lucy, as a potential love interest, could've added a lot to the story if they had not made her so irritating. Instead, she is just an annoyance.
The only bright spot for much of the film would be the minions, though even they wear out their welcome in a prolonged musical interlude towards the end.
The action climax is so good that it almost allows you to ignore the rest of the film's flaws but in the end I am left imagining the great film that this could've been if the story had received even a fraction of the imagination that went into the visuals.
The Way Way Back (2013)
No relationship to reality
I was looking forward to watching this movie and, for the first few minutes, I was hopeful. But it soon became obvious that I was watching a bunch of caricatures instead of characters. Everything was exaggerated to the point of being ridiculous. Even the supposed emotional climax of the film was laughably lame. To top things off, the main character was incredibly bland. By the end of the movie I still knew basically nothing about him.
The only positive things about the film were a few of the performances. Steve Carell was very convincing playing a total jerk and Sam Rockwell was great fun as the slacker owner of the water park.
But if you're looking for anything approximating real life, you've definitely come to the wrong film.
Mission: Impossible II (2000)
I'm still laughing an hour after I left the theater...
This was exactly what I expected for a John Woo sequel to the messy original. As illogical as the first, but this one is at least hilarious fun. Action scenes that switch between amazing and ridiculous, cornball slo-motion "moments", and a love story as deep as a mud puddle. Even the doves are funny in this movie. And they somehow managed to steal an entire scene right out of "The Last of the Mohicans"!
Just turn your brain off, don't take anything too seriously, and enjoy the ride.
Joan of Arc (1999)
Juvenile Filmmaking...
You can certainly see a gem of a great film in here. Unfortunately, it is almost completely obscured by bad acting, over-direction, wretched dialogue, and completely nonsensical battles scenes. Jovovich was fine at times, but impossible to believe in the battle scenes. Far too many of the directorial touches were obvious and pointless. The movie ended up being more successful as a comedy than a serious film. Things only improved towards the end with the entrance of Hoffman. Otherwise, it was quite the mess.