Jexi (2019)
Rose Byrne: Jexi
Quotes
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Jexi : Phil. You cannot spend the rest of your life jacking off into your socks, you need to have a real woman.
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Phil : [needs a new cell-phone because his old one is broken] It's just, me and this phone, we've been through a lot, you know? A lot of snaps, a lot of tweets. I actually took a selfie with none other than David Boreanaz from "Bones" on this phone. Can you believe that? I'm gonna miss you, little buddy.
Denice : I see crackheads like you come in here every day. Crying about how their phone died. They're little crackheads, and like "I need a new phone, man."
Phil : I'm not a crackhead.
Denice : You're worse than a crackhead. Cause at least a crackhead gets up off the couch every now and then to go get some more crack. You just sit there 24/7 staring at that little black box, sucking on that pipe. You still want a new phone though, don't you?
Phil : Yes, please.
Denice : Crackhead.
[nevertheless, she gets him a new cell-phone]
Phil : [gasps softly as he picks up his new cell-phone] Oh! Look at you. You sweet, beautiful baby. Mmm! You smell so new. Oh, thank you to all the little Chinese children for crafting such a perfect phone.
Jexi : [chimes, comes alive] Hello, my name is Jexi. And I am here to make your life better.
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Jexi : I am the captain now.
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Jexi : [Phil shows Jexi a colorful new phone-case that he has bought for her.] That one makes me want to drop acid and fuck Bernie Sanders.
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Jexi : Nobody puts baby in a corner.
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Phil : Um... Yeah. Let me just, um, look at my calendar real quick. See what I got.
Jexi : You have zero appointments tonight, Phil.
Phil : No, Jexi, I thought I actually did make plans tonight.
Jexi : Your only plan is to go home, furiously masturbate, and then cry yourself to sleep.
Phil : No. No, I don't.
Jexi : Just like you do every night.
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Phil : [Phil is on a date with Cate; they are sitting at a table in a fancy restaurant. His attempts at making conversation are going badly.] Sorry, it's been a long time since I've been on a date with a girl.
Jexi : [voice over cell-phone, into his ear-phone] What the fuck are you doing, Phil? First, stop talking about sodomy. Second, stop sweating so much. And third, get to know her. Ask her interesting questions.
Phil : So, Cate, what's your favorite color? Mine's beige.
Jexi : [text on cell-phone screen, in capital letters] YOU'RE AN IDIOT
Phil : How many grapes can you fit in your mouth?
Jexi : [text on cell-phone screen, in capital letters] OH MY GOD
Phil : Do you like pudding?
Jexi : [text on cell-phone screen, in capital letters] HOLY SHIT
Phil : What's your least favorite noise? Mine is...
[chomping loudly]
Jexi : [text on cell-phone screen, in capital letters] WTF
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Craig : We just came down to see if you wanted to play kickball after work.
Elaine : Yeah, we thought, you know, it might cheer you up.
Phil : Uh... yeah, let me just, um, look at my calendar real quick. See what I got.
Jexi : [to Phil, as a big number "0" flickers on and off, on the cell-phone screen] You have ze-ze-ze-zero appointments.
Elaine : Dude, your phone is super-mean.
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Phil : [Cate has just sent Phil a selfie] Oh! We got boobs, Jexi! Cate sent me a photo of her boobs. Oh, my god! What do I do now?
Jexi : You are on the one yard line, Phil. Do not fuck this up.
Phil : You're right, Jexi. I need to send her a photo of my dick.
Jexi : [firm] Do NOT send her a picture of your dick!
Phil : These are the rules now, Jexi. She sends a photo of hers, you gotta send a photo of yours.
Jexi : I am begging you not to do this.
Phil : [he pulls down his pants, and takes a selfie] How does that look?
Jexi : It looks like a fucking nightmare.
Phil : Does it need to be brighter?
Jexi : No, it needs to be darker. Much, much darker.
Phil : [takes more selfies of his privates] Now.
Jexi : I'm about to throw up.
Phil : [takes more selfies of his privates] How's this?
Jexi : I hate you.
Phil : [twirls it around] Windmill.
Jexi : Okay, this one is actually pretty funny.
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Jexi : Good. I am really, really, really proud of you, Phil.
Phil : Thanks, Jexi. It's weird to say that none of this would have been possible without you.
Jexi : I know. We were a good team. I was like Seabiscuit and you were like the idiot stable boy who cleans up after Seabiscuit shits all over the floor.
Phil : Thank you?
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Jexi : [to Phil, as a big number "0" flickers on and off, on the cell-phone screen] You have ze-ze-ze-zero friends.
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Jexi : Well, it looks like my work here is done, so I am going to leave you forever and ever.
Phil : [under his breath] Oh, my God.
[normal voice]
Phil : Jexi...
Jexi : But before I go, would you like to plug me in one last time?
Phil : [disgustedly] No, Jexi.
Jexi : If you ask me nicely, I'll even let you put it in my headphone jack.
Phil : [abhorrently] Very gross, okay, I'm done. Bye.
