Irresistible (I) (2020)
Steve Carell: Gary Zimmer
Photos
Quotes
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Gary Zimmer : [calling in to his office] I am telling you, he is the real deal! It is like a Bill Clinton with impulse control. Like a church-going Bernie Sanders with better bone density.
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Gary Zimmer : Look, whatever you think you saw tonight...
Faith Brewster : You didn't. You actually saw what I saw, and I think that the American people...
Gary Zimmer : Would agree with me...
Faith Brewster : As long as I say it repeatedly, doggedly...
Gary Zimmer : And with unearned confidence...
Faith Brewster : I lie...
Gary Zimmer : I am lying to you...
Faith Brewster : And you know I lie. I'm actually in this position because of how effectively I lie to you. Are we clear?
Gary Zimmer : We call this the spin room, without shame.
Faith Brewster : Spinning is something you do to disorient people.
Gary Zimmer : And you all know that, and yet, here we are.
Faith Brewster : What a wonderful play we're putting on.
Gary Zimmer : Thank you so much. And fuck you America.
Faith Brewster : I look forward to lying to you in the future...
[reporters shouting questions after in follow up]
Gary Zimmer : See you at the bar.
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Gary Zimmer : Did I happen to mention that he is a veteran of the United States Marine Corps?
Kurt , Gary's Assistant , Meeting Attendees : Yes.
Gary Zimmer : And a farmer.
Kurt , Gary's Assistant , Meeting Attendees : Um... you did. I believe so.
Gary Zimmer : And did I happen to mention that he's a widower?
Kurt , Gary's Assistant , Meeting Attendees : Impressive. All right. Well done.
Gary Zimmer : A man who makes Joe the Plumber look like Dukakis in mom jeans and a fucking Easter bonnet... in the reddest of counties in the great now swing state of Wisconsin.
Kurt , Gary's Assistant , Meeting Attendees : Mm-hmm.
Gary Zimmer : Is... a Democrat.
Kurt : Uh... he's a Democrat?
Gary Zimmer : Yeah. He just doesn't know it yet.
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Gary Zimmer : Richard and Ginnie Peeler are hosting. He's a hedge fund swell.
[smile creases Jack's face]
Gary Zimmer : She's been saving the Hudson for about 25 years.
Jack Hastings : Richard Peeler.
Gary Zimmer : Yeah?
Jack Hastings : Got it.
Gary Zimmer : Are you, like, 12?
[both chuckle]
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Jack Hastings : I'm just very impressed with all this. You... you do the polling.
Kurt : Uh-huh. In fact...
Gary Zimmer : There it is.
Diana Hastings : What is that?
Gary Zimmer : No, who is that? Elton Chambers.
Diana Hastings : The Rocket Man?
Gary Zimmer : The billionaire Rocket Man, yes.
Kurt : Jesus Chr... I thought he was dead.
Tina : Well, he is dead.
Gary Zimmer : No, no, no. A series of micro-strokes. It's all good.
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Gary's Assistant : Um, it's a two-hour flight, but you'll gain an hour when you get there.
Gary Zimmer : What is that?
Gary's Assistant : The 7 Series. It was the closest thing they had to your Tesla, but...
Gary Zimmer : Just take a Sharpie, and write "liberal city douchebag" on my forehead, okay? Come on, guys.
Gary's Assistant : Yeah. Um, Accord?
Gary Zimmer : I'm traveling to America. Explorer, neutral color. And pack me like a conference.
Gary's Assistant : Davos? TED?
Gary Zimmer : Aspen, weekend package. Thank you.
Gary's Assistant , Gary's Assistant : Great.
Gary Zimmer : Oh, and, guys, you know what? Keep it simple. Simple. No frills. Thank you.
Gary's Assistant : Got it.
Gary's Assistant : Sure. Great.
Gary Zimmer : Although, if the Explorer has a... a Bose or a Bang & Olufsen sound package, if they have it... it'd be good.
Gary's Assistant : Great.
Gary's Assistant : Gotcha.
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Gary Zimmer : Gentlemen... this square-jawed paragon of Americana is our goddamn key back into the forbidden city.
Kurt : Well, that's my stop.
Gary Zimmer : Sit. Kurt, sit.
Kurt : Call me when he gets to the point.
Gary Zimmer : Nope. You're not going anywhere. No, sit. And we have Alan to thank for bringing this man to our attention.
Evan : It's Evan.
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Gary Zimmer : I was just finishing up these pamphlets on immigration.
Diana Hastings : Ooh. That sounds complicated. I hope the small minds can manage.
Gary Zimmer : I'm sorry about that. Sometimes, messaging for the base doesn't resonate with the broader electorate.
Diana Hastings : Oh, okay. So, to flatter them, you have to condescend to us. I get it.
Gary Zimmer : Uh, no, no, that wasn't... that wasn't what...
[protracted pause]
Gary Zimmer : Sorry.
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Faith Brewster : Now, can we just all go back to Washington and forget that we ever made camp in a place where the shit you skim off milk is considered a food?
Gary Zimmer : They are called cheese curds, and they are delicious.
Faith Brewster : They're disgusting.
Gary Zimmer : And you can't make poutine without them.
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Gary Zimmer : Who here has been chosen as 527s? Raise your hands, please. One, two, three, four. Good. You all run super PACs now. You are no longer associated with this campaign. And as such, it is time to move to your super PAC location, which is all the way at the back of the room, far, far away from the activity of the campaign.
Becca : Right now?
Gary Zimmer : I am not at liberty to say. The campaign cannot coordinate with the super PAC.
Becca : So...
Gary Zimmer : [whispers] After the meeting.
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Gary Zimmer : So you used me.
Diana Hastings : We used you? You guys only show up here once every four years, and only then 'cause it's a swing state. And then, when it's over, you're gone. But we're still here with all the same problems we had before, just waiting around for you to come back and make the same empty promises as last time. We used the system. You make millions of dollars funneling tens of millions of dollars into this election economy. All we did is take a cut.
Gary Zimmer : Hmm. Well... I guess I just... I thought that maybe you and I had a little something.
Diana Hastings : [scoffs] I'm 28. I mean...
[chuckles]
Diana Hastings : in what world would this... be okay?
Gary Zimmer : D.C. and L.A., parts of New York, Miami, maybe Dallas.
Gary Zimmer : Mm.
[chuckles]
Gary Zimmer : Look... it wasn't personal.
Gary Zimmer : Mm.
Diana Hastings : It was math.
Gary Zimmer : Math.
Diana Hastings : But this system, the way we elect people, it's terrifying. And exhausting. And I think it's driving us all insane.
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Gary Zimmer : So, um, we can't win. The people in this town are pretty set in their ways. And we lost the eight nuns. That wasn't good. So, we can't win.
Jack Hastings : Uh... y-you know, we appreciate all you done. I mean, the campaign and, uh... I'm just sorry we let you down, but...
[relieved]
Jack Hastings : well, all I can say is thank you.
Diana Hastings : Really, Gary, thank you for everything.
Jack Hastings : It was a hell of a ride.
[Jack and Diana laugh]
Gary Zimmer : Are... you shitting me? All I have to say is we can't win, and you're... you're through, you're out.
Diana Hastings : You said we can't win.
Gary Zimmer : Unless. We can't win unless... You didn't let me finish. We can't win unless it turns out that this town isn't the Mayberry everybody thinks it is. I just got a little piece of intel that's kind of intriguing. So, the mayor's brother Ziggy,
[Jack steps back]
Gary Zimmer : he had an Oxy problem.
Jack Hastings : Well, he was a roofer and got hurt on the job.
Gary Zimmer : Yes, well, what you might not know is that the mayor pulled some strings, kept him out of jail, got him into rehab. That is abuse of power, nepotism. Probably some clerical shit in there.
Diana Hastings : [scoffs] Come on. Gary. But we're the good guys, right?
Gary Zimmer : [flatly] Yeah, we're the good guys.
Diana Hastings : When they go low...
Gary Zimmer : We go high.
Diana Hastings : Unless we also need to go low, apparently.
[chuckles incredulously]
Gary Zimmer : Only to keep those who would go lower out of power.
Diana Hastings : So, when they go low, we go higher, incrementally, in relation to how low they went.
Gary Zimmer : Regrettably, yes.
Diana Hastings : When they go low, we go almost as low, but we feel worse doing it.
Gary Zimmer : You think they thought twice about making your dad look like a PTS nutcase? And I'm going low because I'm gonna tell the truth about the mayor?
Jack Hastings : His brother's fragile, Gary.
Gary Zimmer : This town is fragile. The whole area is fragile. Our democracy.
Diana Hastings : [exasperated] Stop. We're not doing it. Okay? People are gonna get hurt.
Gary Zimmer : I'm sorry... I really am... but sometimes good people have to do shitty things in service of the greater good. Isn't that right, Colonel?
[exits]
Diana Hastings : Hey.
[follows Gary]
Diana Hastings : Hey.
Gary Zimmer : Yeah?
Diana Hastings : Gary, stop.
Gary Zimmer : What? Is this politics?
Gary Zimmer : It's not politics anymore, Diana. It's... it's math. That's what an election is. It's just math. We need what they get plus one. That's all. And if I can't get that by getting more people to vote for your dad, then I have to get fewer people to vote for Braun.
[sighs and exits]
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Gary Zimmer : There are two million rural votes in these states alone. If we lost them 2.7 to one instead of three to one, we'd win, but we didn't even try.
DNC Staffer : [dismissive tone] Their base turned out. Ours didn't. If we find a candidate to activate our base... if our African Americans and
[accent emphasized]
DNC Staffer : Latino communities...
DNC Staffer : It's just Latino.
DNC Staffer : show up, we win.
Gary Zimmer : We have to get the rural voters back into the tent, even just a little bit.
DNC Staffer : Well, if it's all the same to you, I'll stick with pandering to our special-interest groups, thank you very much.
DNC Staffer , DNC Staffer : Si, se puede. Si, se puede. Si, se...
DNC Staffer : I like the idea of expanding our base. Not taking any voter for granted.
[looks at the dismissive staffer]
DNC Staffer : [tone changes] It does have some merit.
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Gary Zimmer : Okay.
[lifts phone receiver]
Dave Vanelton : Everything all right?
Gary Zimmer : Uh, hel... Yes? Hello?
Dave Vanelton : It's Dave.
Gary Zimmer : Yes?
Dave Vanelton : From the Hofbrau House.
Gary Zimmer : From downstairs?
Dave Vanelton : Yes.
Gary Zimmer : O... okay.
Dave Vanelton : Everything all right?
Gary Zimmer : Mm... yeah, I was just looking for a Wi-Fi password.
Dave Vanelton : Good luck.
Gary Zimmer : Case-sensitive?
Dave Vanelton : No, good luck getting Wi-Fi. You're better off using your phone.
Gary Zimmer : Okay.
Dave Vanelton : Okay.
Gary Zimmer : All right, very good. Thank you.
Dave Vanelton : Sure.
Gary Zimmer : *Goodbye*.
Dave Vanelton : Night, Gar.
[Gary hangs up and sighs]
Dave Vanelton : [Gary lifts the receiver] Everything all right?
[Gary hangs up and chuckles]
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Gary Zimmer : Faith.
Faith Brewster : Gary.
Gary Zimmer : You seem to be doing a brisk business. Deerlaken: always. So, apparently, Deerlaken über alles was copyrighted?
Faith Brewster : Well, we were gonna go with I'm with him until we remembered how fucking stupid it sounded.
Gary Zimmer : No, no, no, no. I love it. I love the whole town genealogy angle. It's got a real bold you ain't from around here flavor.
[Faith chuckles]
Gary Zimmer : With subtle notes of, uh, xenophobia.
[Faith chuckles again]
Gary Zimmer : Not to mention the cognitive dissonance that your booth is basically a love letter to immigration.
Faith Brewster : That's a great observation. So all these people are hypocrites? I'd run with that.
Gary Zimmer : All you have is fear.
Faith Brewster : Now we're getting somewhere.
[Gary chuckles]
Faith Brewster : 20 bucks says I do better with fear than you do with shame.
Gary Zimmer : Oh.
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Mr. Peeler : You know, our politics seem broken. Colonel, what do you see is the system's greatest weakness?
Jack Hastings : Hmm, well, I guess, for one thing, this. Here, tonight. And I mean
[inhales]
Jack Hastings : no disrespect. I just think this seems a bit crazy. I want to help my town. I want to be mayor, some town in the middle of Wisconsin. So, instead of being home working on some smart things to help my town, I have to fly here to your town and convince you that my town's worth saving. And
[inhales]
Jack Hastings : that I'm worth it. And that saving it is worth it to you. All so you can give me some money. Not for my town, but for me. To help convince my town that I'm worth it. I mean...
[inhales]
Jack Hastings : I don't know, it just sounds so stupid.
[sighs]
Gary Zimmer : [...] Money. Oh, God, their money is the problem? Oh! You should've seen their faces.
Jack Hastings : I saw.
Gary Zimmer : They ate it up. We could've named our price.
[giddy]
Gary Zimmer : Oh, no way Faith matches.
Jack Hastings : And why is that, now?
Gary Zimmer : Oh. Because they're spending to stop something, and we're spending to start something.
Jack Hastings : Hmm.
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Gary Zimmer : You know Kurt Lehman, polling and modeling.
Jack Hastings : Yes. Hi.
Kurt : Hi.
Gary Zimmer : He gives us a window into the electorate.
Diana Hastings : Hi.
Kurt : How are you?
Gary Zimmer : Best in the business. When everyone was predicting Hillary in a landslide over Trump, Kurt was the one guy who had her just barely beating him.
Kurt : My models just picked up the trend lines, so...
Gary Zimmer : If the election had taken place a month or two later...
Kurt : My numbers would've been 100% on the money.
Gary Zimmer : Mm-hmm.
Diana Hastings : Wow. Impressive.
Kurt : Well...
Tina : Well, he was the least wrong.
Gary Zimmer : Tina Kuryev, analytics. She gives us a window into the voters.
Tina : Good to meet you, sir.
Diana Hastings : Oh. I thought, uh, polling did that.
Kurt : It does.
Tina : Well, he tells you how he thinks they feel. I tell you how they really feel.
[pause]
Tina : People are liars.
Kurt : Here we go.
Tina : He can tell you how often people say they go to church.
Gary Zimmer : She can tell you if they actually go.
Tina : I can tell you if God is in their hearts.
Kurt : [under his breath] Oh, my God.
Gary Zimmer : Tina's in online analytics.
Kurt : Hey, can I just say... we take deception into account, too, okay? Yeah, polling is an art form, but, you know, there's plenty of science to back it up.
Tina : Says the guy still calling landlines. People tell computers the truth, right? Their desires, their prejudices. Every search, every transaction... it's an unguarded private moment. So there's no, uh, margin of error, you know? The digital footprint is your true self.
Diana Hastings : But, surely, people are more complicated than their online transactions.
Tina : Well, says the woman with three cats and an intense search history of the herpes virus.
Diana Hastings : [protracted pause] One of the cats... Is this legal?
Tina : Law enforcement or in the eyes of God?
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Gary Zimmer : Yeah, well, you got to make it happen, or you got to find me some more fucking Hispanics.
[raises his voice]
Gary Zimmer : Where are my fucking Hispanics? I need some more fucking Hispanics, Kurt!
[steps away and in normal voice]
Gary Zimmer : Hey, everybody. Listen. I am profoundly disappointed in the comments that I just made. My words and/or actions do not represent who I am as a person and...
Kurt : [quietly] Teachable moment.
Gary Zimmer : It is a teachable moment. It's something I think we can all learn from. And in that way, I feel like I have given you a gift.
[landline rings]
Ann : [quietly] You have my heart.
Gary Zimmer : And from this moment on, I vow to make this office
[landline rings]
Gary Zimmer : a color- and gender-neutral work environment.
[landline rings]
Gary Zimmer : That is my... Are you gonna get that? Ringing off the fucking hook.
