- [last lines]
- Michael: So the thing is, one of your parents is not technically actually dead.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: What are you talking about?
- Michael: Your mother's alive. She faked her own death.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: I'm sorry, Tahani, I don't think I'll be able to stay with you here in Budapest. Turns out my mom isn't dead, so I need to fly back to America to murder her.
- Janet: Why is it that every time a new thing is invented, humans immediately try to use it for porn?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Because we're disgusting.
- Donkey Doug: If you're here to tell me energy drink body spray is a bad idea, I've heard it before, from a bank and some doctors.
- Jason Mendoza: This is Tahani, who is my wife, I guess.
- Donkey Doug: Dang, nice pull, son! How about you and me go check out my Jacuzzi and put stuff in each other?
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Again, I'm his wife.
- Donkey Doug: Wow, that's the first time that line has ever failed.
- Chidi Anagonye: [after his breakup with Simone] I hate this! What if I ruined her? What if I sent her down the wrong path and she ends up in the Bad Place? I have to undo what I did. Janet, fire up the simulator!
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Dude, no more simulations. Just talk to her. Breakups never end with both people feeling great. But she's a badass, and her world is bigger than your relationship. She'll recover; just go, be a person.