- Fraternity President: [presenting a glass containing a few drops of his blood] Now, drink from the goblet. Commit your life to... the... to the... to the fraternal brotherhood of Sigma Sigma Delta.
- Jack Morton: Uh, no. Thanks, though.
- Fraternity President: If it's the blood, I'm totally clean. I mean, I HAD hep C after a trip to Mexico, but that's all cleared up now.
- Randall Carpio: [as Jack's RA] Okay, house rules. If I catch you breaking them, I gotta report you; so...
- Jack Morton: Don't break any rules.
- Randall Carpio: "Don't let me catch you," that's right.
- [Jack wants to join the Hermetic Order of the Blue Rose]
- Randall Carpio: Look, even if they do exist, I wouldn't get your hopes up.
- Jack Morton: Why is that?
- Randall Carpio: They want sheep. You've got a mind of your own.
- Jack Morton: What was in that powder?
- Alyssa Drake: What powder?
- Jack Morton: That powder you just...
- Alyssa Drake: I didn't do anything - and if somebody did do something with some powder, do you think it'd be wise to be talking to me about it - even though I don't know what you're talking about?
- Jack Morton: Probably not.
- Alyssa Drake: Definitely not.
- Jack Morton: Professor Clarke!
- Eric Clarke: Please, John, call me Eric.
- Jack Morton: My name's Jack.
- Eric Clarke: Oh, okay. Can me Brian.
- Jack Morton: Why Brian?
- Eric Clarke: Look, I'm never gonna remember your name. It only seems fair.
- Kyle: If I was the killer, you'd already be dead.
- Jack Morton: [raising his shovel] Let's test that theory.
- Jack Morton: What if I told you I had to do something wrong and I knew it was wrong, but I also knew that if I did it, good would eventually come from my actions?
- Eric Clarke: Oh. You're already wondering if you should kill the baby Hitler.
- Jack Morton: What?
- Eric Clarke: It's thought experiment. Sort of like the trolley question, but with time travel. So, would you? Go back in time and kill Hitler?
- Jack Morton: Of course.
- Eric Clarke: You'd kill a *baby*? You monster!