The Witcher (TV Series)

Of Banquets, Bastards and Burials (2019)

Joey Batey: Jaskier

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jaskier : I've always wanted to know, do witchers ever retire?

  Geralt of Rivia : Yeah. When they slow and get killed.

• Jaskier : It is one night bodyguarding your very best friend in the whole wide world. How hard could it be?

  Geralt of Rivia : I'm not your friend.

  Jaskier : Oh, really? Oh, you usually just let strangers rub chamomile onto your lovely bottom?

• Geralt of Rivia : How many of these lords want to kill you?

  Jaskier : Hard to say. One stops keeping count after a while. Wives, concubines, mothers sometimes.

• Jaskier : [sotto]  All right, so stay close to me, look mean and pretend you're a mute. Can't have anyone finding out who you actually are...

  Mousesack : [booming]  Geralt of Rivia, the mighty witcher!

  Jaskier : Shit...

  Mousesack : I haven't seen you since the plague!

  Geralt of Rivia : Good times, Mousesack.

  Mousesack : [laughs]  I've missed your sour complexion.

• Jaskier : [after the many ordeals at the wedding feast]  I think this has the makings of my greatest ballad yet.

• Seething Lord : Something about you reminds me of a scoundrel I once saw fleeing my wife's chambers!

  Jaskier : Um, well...

  Seething Lord : Drop your trousers.

  Jaskier : What?

  Seething Lord : I didn't get a proper look at the little shit's face, but that pimply arse I'd remember anywhere.

• Jaskier : Now, Witcher, it's time to repay your debt. "What debt?" you're probably asking yourself in your head right now. Well, I'll tell you. I've made you famous, Witcher. By rights, I should be claiming ten percent of all your coin, but instead, what I'm asking for is a teeny, teeny-weeny little favor.

• Councilman : He stood in the middle of that frozen lake like he knew it was coming for him. The ice cracked open and a selkiemore shot out! Oh, you've never seen one, but it'd take down a ship with its cavernous mouth full of devil's teeth!

  [Gasping] 

  Councilman : And it... swallowed... that witcher... whole!

  Jaskier : [Writing]  Oh, this is brilliant!

  [the man stares, shocked] 

  Jaskier : Oh, sorry. It's just Geralt's usually so stingy with the details.