Kevin Smith: Silent But Deadly (2018 TV Special)

Kevin Smith: Self

Photos 

Quotes 

• Kevin Smith : Now I gotta tell you, this is gonna be weird, but I gotta tell you this story to tell you the rest of the story, and at first you're gonna be all judgy and then I'm gonna tell you something and then you'll be like, "Oh, that makes sense." Um, I have a 103-inch television in my bedroom. Uh, that's not the judgy part. Here it comes. It cost 60 thousand fucking bucks. Crazy, right? I didn't fucking buy it. I would never pay 60- Now, you can't be judgy. I would never... I didn't buy it. It was given to me, man. I would never pay $60,000 for a TV. I wouldn't pay $60,000 for anything, unless you could live in it, drive it, or it fucking blew you until the day you die. Like, that's... I got a line and shit like that. No, it was given to us at one point. I had done commercials years ago for Panasonic. And there was a guy named Ed Janda who was, like, the exec at Panasonic who was on set all the time. He loved movies. Sweet fucking dude, man. I've known him for years and stuff. One day, he fucking called me. Been to my house many times. He called me out of the blue and he goes, "Hey, man. We've got this 103-inch fucking television that we're gonna throw out, man. And I remember you've got big, wide walls and huge ceilings in your house." And I was like, "What a weird fucking way to start a conversation. What do all these things have to do with each other, man? Is that all our friendship was to you? Square fucking footage?" Like... And he goes, "No, the reason I bring it together is this TV we're gonna fucking throw out, it's 103 inches, and, fuck, it won't fit in many places. But it'll definitely fit in your house. So if you want it, we're just gonna give it to you for free. Do you want it?" I was like, "Fuck yeah! Give me all your garbage! Yes! Fuck yes!" I was like, "What's wrong with it, man? Was it assembled on an ancient Indian burial ground? Is it cursed?" Like... And he goes, "No, they used it for the Olympics. It was for coverage for the Olympics. So it's not meant for home use. It's basically big graphics TV where they point to like, 'This is what happened,' and shit like that. Problem is it has no speakers. So you'd have to buy speakers." I was like, "I'll buy the fucking speakers, man! For a free 103 fuck the speakers. I'll stand next to it and translate for whoever's watching!" Like... I was like, "Fuck yes, man." So he goes, "Okay, man. Make sure you're gonna be home tomorrow. We can have it delivered." He's going, "You gotta clear your street." And I said, "Why?" He goes, "It comes on an 18-wheeler." I said, "Really?" And he goes, "Yeah. It takes ten people to deliver it." And I said, "Why?" And he goes, "The base alone weighs 2,000 pounds." Oh! -So I was like, "I don't believe this." And they showed up the next day with a giant fucking truck, pulled this thing out the back, it looked like the monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey. Ten fucking people carrying it, man. They were like, "Where do you want it?" I was like, "Second floor, please." I felt bad, but I tipped insanely well. So... Brought 'em up to my bedroom. They're like, "Where's it go?" I said, "Put it right at the foot of our bed, please." And my wife is like, "Are you fucking high?" I was like, "Yes, but that has nothing to do with this. This just makes sense." I was like, "This is where the TV was, look at this big, wide wall. We'll put the fucking TV right there." She goes, "Kevin, there's no room between the bed and the television." I was like, "Yes, there is. Look." She's going, "What the fuck? How are we gonna live like this? How are we gonna sleep?" I was like, "We fucking slept enough, man." I was like, "Look at this thing. This is our god now." Like... So if you're in my bedroom and you're sitting on the edge of my bed and you're tying your shoes, you get up, you go, "One, two..." You're on the fucking TV. So we have this massive TV in my bedroom, and I've never seen Comic Book Men on it. So one night, I said that I wanted to watch it. Like, you know, tried to test the waters. And... and so I told my wife, I was like, "Hey, man, um, I wanna watch Comic Book Men on the big TV tonight for the first time. Like, that's cool, right?" And she goes, "Oh, we don't watch that show in here." And I was like, "I know. I know. You know, which is weird 'cause it pays for everything. But whatever. Like... But tonight's special. It's the end of the fourth season. We just found out we're getting picked up for a fifth season. So I wanna like live tweet the show from in here." Normally, I do it in my office. I watch it on a laptop. I was like, "I'd love to watch it on the big TV. I wanna live tweet, send pictures." And my wife's like, "Why do you need pictures?" And I was like, "I don't wanna tell you 'cause you're gonna fucking make fun of me and shit." And she was like, "You have to tell me 'cause I control the television." So I said, "Okay." I said, "I've never seen my show on the TV, but the TV's fucking big. It's taller than me when I stand next to it." It's 103 inches wide. But it's fucking about six... six-three tall from the ground with the base. I was like, "So when you see people on it, they look life-sized. And I've always wanted to like watch Comic Book Men, and when I came on the screen, pause it... and then go stand next to myself." She goes, "Why?" I'm like, "To take a selfie." You know. And she looked at me with that fucking look of disdain like, "I can't believe I let you stick your fucking dick in me." She goes, "No, you watch that in the office." I was like, "Come on, man. This is fucked up. Don't you think it's fucking crazy that we're fucking this deep into a show that I'm on every episode of and you don't watch it?" And she goes, "Why would I watch it?" And I was like, "I don't know, man. Like, 'cause I'm on the show." And she goes, "Well, it's not like I'm in the Kevin Smith demographic, now am I?" And I said, "You fuck Kevin Smith! If you're not in the demographic, it's in you from time to time!" And she was like, "I could see this really fucking upsets you." I was like, "I think it's fucking weird, man. If you were on a TV show, I would have watched every fucking episode and shit. But you don't watch the show that I'm on." And she goes, "Jesus, Kevin, if I really wanna see you fucking cry about Batman and wear that jersey, I'll look to my left." So that's a long way of fucking saying that like she's over my bullshit. Like, you know. This is her idea of hell. Like being forced to sit there and listen to Kevin Smith. Like, she doesn't understand you people.

• [last lines; epilogue] 

  Kevin Smith : This is the room where I almost died. Look at this. Could you imagine if this was your death room? The last thing you saw was this? I could not get comfortable to save my life. That's 'cause I was dying. Kids, when you're dying, very tough to get comfortable. Basically, three hours prior to this moment, I'd smoked a joint, so I was calm. I never got scared and stuff. They told me later on, the doctor was like, "You were so calm." And I said, "I was blazed, man. I smoked." He goes, "That saved your life." I said, "Smoking weed saved my life? Can you- I'm gonna put that on a fucking shirt and on a bumper sticker and stuff like that."

• Kevin Smith : Uh, my kid and I text. This is a text exchange we had about her boyfriend, Cory. She's got this boyfriend, Cory, man. He's a great fucking kid. I know you're supposed to be like, "Hey, man. He's dating my daughter and that makes me mad." Not at all. They've been dating for five years, they met like freshman year, and when they were dating for four days, man, I watched and met the dude and shit, and I told my daughter, "Marry this boy tomorrow." You know. And my wife is like, "You fucking stoned? They're 14." I was like, "It worked for Coalminer's Daughter. Let them get married!" So I him, I'm a Cory booster, man. I'm always like, "You'll never find a guy like this. He literally gives a shit about everything you say. He's always hanging on your every word. He's like Lloyd Dobler in Say Anything and shit. Not every guy is like this. Most guys are like Uncle Jay. So like... I said stick with this fucking guy. So she did all through high school and stuff. And senior year, like I said, she just graduated, she got to go to two proms, her prom at her school and Cory went to a different school. So they went to her prom first, then they went to Cory's prom. And I was out on the road doing a gig. And this is the fucking text I got from my kid on prom night. She goes, "Dad! SOS." I'm freaked out 'cause I'm someplace else in the country. And I'm like, "Oh, my God! Are you okay?" And she goes, "No! Cory's bowtie broke. Where do you keep your spare bowties?" I said, "Kiddo, I don't have a bowtie, let alone spares." And she wrote, she has the temerity to write, "Seriously?" And I'm like, "I wear the same fucking outfit every day." I said, "You ever see me wear a bowtie with a hockey jersey?" And she goes, "What about when you got married?" And I said, "I was wearing a hoodie and a Jay and Silent Bob shirt." And she goes, "Ew! You're so fucking lucky Mom married you." And I said... I said, "Why? Because I wasn't wearing a bowtie?" And she goes, "No, because you wore a Jay and Silent Bob shirt to your own wedding." And she wrote, "'Duh! Look at me! I'm Silent Bob!'"

• Kevin Smith : So I was out on the road. Where was I? I was in Kansas City. And so I had a little time down between gigs and whatnot. So I was like, I'm gonna go out shopping. And I asked them at the front desk, I was like, "Hey, man, where do you got- where do you got like the fat guy store?" They're like, "Oh, you want to go to the low-end strip mall." I was like, "Brother, I live at the low-end strip mall, man." And I took a car there. I walked in and I was looking for my maroons. And I found them. And then I saw the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in a fat guy store: a pair of black underwear. And I was like, "Oh! I'm gonna look like Batman!" You know, and I fucking... So I bought it and I took it back to the hotel room and stuff like that. I was happy with my fucking purchase. And so, you know, I thought of my wife and I was just like, "Oh, fuck. I'm gonna tell her." And I said, "Hey, man. Guess what I did today?" You know, I was texting her. She's like, "What?" I was like, "I went underwear shopping." And she goes, "Oh, great. More maroon." And I said, "No, not maroon." And she goes, "What color?" And I wrote, "Black!" A lot of exclamation points and stuff. And she sent emojis of surprise and... And she goes, "Send me a picture." And so I saw my opening. So I was like, "You send me a picture, man." And she was like, "What of?" And I was like, "You know." And she was like, "You fucking pig." But we've been married for a while, so fucking three minutes later a picture came through and shit like that. And so it was a angle of my wife's vagina, and this is weird to say because, again, we've been together 20 years and we've had fucking sex any way you can have sex. But it was an angle of her vagina that I'd never seen before. And I was like, "Oh, my God! It's like a stranger's pussy." You know? And fucking... So instantly I forgot the conversation, took it right to the sink and started tugging one out, looking right at it and shit. So I got finished and then I wanted to get in the shower 'cause I was sticky. And so... Took my black underwear out of the pack. I laid them out on the fucking blanket, there's like a white blanket on the bed. So it really popped hard and shit. And so I took a picture and I wrote back, "Yes, bitch." I said, "Doesn't this make you wet, motherfucker?" And I fucking hit send and shit like that, man. And I hadn't fucking realized that my wife was not the last person that had sent me a text. While I was in the shower, somebody else had texted me and broken the conversation with me and my wife and fucking the very shocked recipient of my underwear text sent back a one-word response: "Dad?"

• [first lines; introduction] 

  Kevin Smith : Hey, man, I'm Kevin Smith. And moments after we shot the show you're about to watch, I came into this room downstairs at the theater in Glendale, and had a massive heart attack. They talk about, like, "I killed onstage. I died onstage." I thought I killed that night, and I came backstage and almost died. So enjoy the special, but know that the guy who is telling jokes for the next hour and stuff is about to face the infinite. And I'm alive to stand here and tell you that I didn't die. Now, on with the show.