- Minna Häkkinen: I am sorry, Selina. I have a commitment to the principles of truth and justice.
- Selina Meyer: As the former President of the United States, truth and justice can gargle my balls.
- Selina Meyer: Guys, listen I just need to get in a room with Lu, one on one, so I can change his mind about supporting me for president. Face to face, I can convince anyone of anything.
- Ben Cafferty: That's not true.
- Kent Davison: Incorrect.
- Selina Meyer: You're both wrong.
- Ben Cafferty, Kent Davison: You're right.
- Selina Meyer: Lu developed a real hankering for Finnish furburger back at Camp David. He eye-fucked her so bad he got retinal herpes.
- Minna Häkkinen: So my last three lovers are complaining that my dirty talk is both incessant and soporific.
- Selina Meyer: Maybe you should let them choke you.
- Minna Häkkinen: You think they would rather choke me than listen to me talk?
- Selina Meyer: I can only speak for myself.
- Murman Shalikashvili: I recently bought an English football club.
- Selina Meyer: Oh, wonderful!
- Murman Shalikashvili: Leeds United. No English players, so pretty good team.
- Keith Quinn: We'll tell the whole world how you vaporized a DRA leader's wedding with Hellfire missiles and also took a huge laser-guided shit all over Pakistani sovereignty...
- Selina Meyer: [Cuts him off] OK, A, that never happened. And B, that footage is highly classified.
- Keith Quinn: It *was* classified... Until somebody on your staff clicked on "Asian Girls Bound and Gagged".
- Selina Meyer: Oh, Ben... Or Kent. Or Leon. Oh, God... Or Marjorie.
- Jonah Ryan: Pennsylvania, you have the second-lowest vaccination rate in the nation, and when I am elected president, you will be number one!
- Ben Cafferty: Jonah, your anti-vaccination message is bringing together an unheard-of mix of Orthodox Jews, uneducated fringe conspiracists, and Kombucha-douching private school moms.
- Selina Meyer: How long am I supposed to be here?
- Ben Cafferty: I could be dead before you ever get outta here.
- Selina Meyer: Well, no offense, Ben, but honestly, that could be, like, tonight.
- Ben Cafferty: God willing.
- Minna Häkkinen: I forgave you for not voting for me to be the head of the IMF.
- Selina Meyer: Minna, you don't go to prison when you're not the head of the IMF.
- Minna Häkkinen: Just the prison of unmet potential.
- Amy Brookheimer: Oh, my God, you Patient IQ Zero! You infected all those nutballs who don't believe in vaccinations!
- Jonah Ryan: Well, serves 'em right.
- Amy Brookheimer: Didn't you have chicken pox as a child? Were you too busy bed-wetting and cutting fuck-holes in watermelons?
- Jonah Ryan: Amy, that only works with fleshy melons.
- Beth Ryan: Duh.
- Jonah Ryan: And sometimes pumpkins.
- Amy Brookheimer: [after helping her get a bottle of painkillers open] How long have you been taking these?
- Beth Ryan: Ever since Jonah whacked me on the nose at the rally, but the pain went away in two days. They gave me 97 pills, though, so now I've just been taking 'em for the going-away of my feelings.
- Governor Ballentine: Splett, I'm gonna bury you so deep in bullshit make-work people are gonna forget Iowa even has a lieutenant governor.
- Dan Egan: That shouldn't be too hard.
- Kent Davison: These tunnels date back to World War II.
- Selina Meyer: Really?
- Kent Davison: Local citizens banded together in secret to assist the Nazis.
- Murman Shalikashvili: Once, I told my enemy it was tunnel escape, but in fact, I just buried him alive.
- Selina Meyer: Murman...!
- [laughs]
- Murman Shalikashvili: Actually, it was her, but story is funnier with a man, huh? In these #MeToo days, you know?
- Selina Meyer: Actually, I think it could work with a woman. Either way, it's a very good story.
- Murman Shalikashvili: But I would never, ever buried alive my dear old friend Selina.
- Selina Meyer: Chivalry is not dead, Murman.
- Murman Shalikashvili: No, no, no. Her name was Svetlana, and she's definitely dead.
- Selina Meyer: Lookit, Lu, we have always been able to do business together. If I'm elected, the U.S. is gonna import a shit-ton more of your tainted baby formula and defective drywall.
- Lu Chi-Jang: A little secret.
- Selina Meyer: What?
- Lu Chi-Jang: Different label, same product.
- Governor Ballentine: Well, now you're an ice-cold dog turd because you're not getting my job.
- Dan Egan: Governor, we have the utmost respect... .
- Governor Ballentine: [Putting his hand up] Save it, Manhattan Date Rape Mystery.
- Layla: Jonah Ryan has as much chance at becoming president as a stack of retarded raccoons in a trench coat, but if anyone is crawling out of our cesspool of a state to become his Ag. Sec it's going to be this pigfucker.
- Mike McLintock: I didn't realize there was a job requirement.