- Joe Swanson: Those poor kids, those poor babies. Hey Chris, what do you got there?
- Chris Griffin: A plain burger.
- Joe Swanson: Looks good.
- Glenn Quagmire: [excitedly] Peter, you gotta come outside. We found a used condom on the sidewalk. That's a bigger deal than regular garbage.
- Cleveland Brown: Ribbed. A woman was pleased with it.
- Glenn Quagmire: You gotta see this, Peter! A used condom! Just right out here! And there's panties nearby! Joe, you're a cop! What do you think happened here?
- Joe Swanson: I'll tell you what happened. Somebody DID IT! YEAH!
- [they high-five each other]
- Glenn Quagmire: Peter, come out here and high-five us over the sex someone else had!
- Peter Griffin: I've been in uncomfortable situations before. Like when I meet famous people.
- Snoop Dogg: Hey, wassup? I'm Snoop Dogg. Know what I'm sayin'?
- Peter Griffin: I do!
- [thinking]
- Peter Griffin: But you don't, Peter. You don't.
- [last lines]
- God: Well, looks like quittin' time. Good night, Kirk Cameron. See you tomorrow, Jay Rayburn. See you when the sun rises, James Bro- MAMA MIA!
- God: That's what religion is. It's not about being good or bad. It's just blind subservience to an imaginary being.
- Peter Griffin: [while arguing at Fuddruckers] Usually, you put a burger on a tray. This guy's putting a tray on a fucking burger!
- Lois Griffin: Are you through, Peter?
- Peter Griffin: Not yet I'm not. Give me the car keys.
- Lois Griffin: Peter.
- Peter Griffin: Give me. The car keys.
- Peter Griffin: [Lois gives Peter the car keys in which he opens the trays, puts the keys in, and closes it back together, in which he then puts a bun on the tray and takes a bite] That's Fuddruckers!
- Oliver Platt: My advise? Relax. It's not the end of the world. Being fused to furniture hasn't stopped me from being an adult with a child's name, and having thicker hair than a werewolf.
- God: There was an issue. A few angels came forward. I don't remember things exactly as they do, but I respect their experience.
- God: Different people think different things. I'm kinda like a nanny cam. The idea that I may exist is enough for some people to behave better.
- God: Since you're now a ghost, would you like to do pottery while straddling present day Demi Moore?
- Peter Griffin: Pass.
- God: Aaah ... not gettin' a lot of takers for that one.
- Peter Griffin: If anything were to happen to me, Lois, I would miss you more than life ... the cereal. But not the board game, which I really enjoy.
- Peter Griffin: Meg, I'm sorry I'll never get the chance to walk you down the aisle ... at Costco to furnish your sad, single lady apartment.
- God: It's weird. For the first seven days, all I did was create things. But since then, it's just killing, killing, killing.