- [Pastor Jeff is mediating a fight between Meemaw, Mary and their neighbor Brenda]
- Pastor Jeff: Ladies! Do I need to remind you that we are Christians? In all our behavior, in all our actions, we must constantly ask ourselves the question: "What would Jesus do?"
- Meemaw: Can I say something?
- Pastor Jeff: Would Jesus say it?
- Meemaw: [pause] Never mind.
- Herschel Sparks: Hey, George. You didn't see a dog wandering around here, did ya?
- George Cooper Sr.: No. Y'all get a dog?
- Herschel Sparks: Um, sort of. We took him in after my brother-in-law had to go live in a 'gated community'.
- George Cooper Sr.: Oh, that sounds nice. They got a no pets policy?
- Herschel Sparks: He's in jail, George.
- George Cooper Sr.: [Awkwardly] Right. Sure.
- Sheldon Cooper: [Voiceover] In physics, nothing feels better than predicting an outcome. I love predictability. The force of gravity: predictable. Nuclear fusion: predictable. My brother peeing in the shower: repulsive, but predictable.
- Mary Cooper: [When Meemaw comes home with a black eye] Really, Mom? This is how you put out the fire?
- Meemaw: Well, at least she got the worst of it.
- George Cooper Sr.: How you figure that?
- Meemaw: I ripped a big patch of hair out of her head. This will be healed in a week. She will be wearing a hat until Labor Day.
- Missy Cooper: I wanna be just like you when I grow up!
- Mary Cooper: No, you don't!
- George Cooper Sr.: Pick again.