- Nick Sax: Can you smell that? All the Christmas spirit in the air? You could practically choke on it. But scratch the surface and there you have it, our true selves, people hiding behind their bright, colorful wrappings of bullshit, hoping that it will hide what they really are deep down inside underneath it all... Empty boxes of broken toys.
- Nick Sax: What the hell are you doing here?
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: Working a case.
- Nick Sax: This ain't a homicide!
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: As a favor for a friend! For Amanda.
- Nick Sax: Bullshit! She hates your guts. She'd never come to you.
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: You're right, she does hate my guts, and for all the right reasons. But she loves her daughter. She loves Hailey.
- Nick Sax: Why didn't she come to me?
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: She tried.
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: Let's go, Sax. We can work the case. Together. Just like old times.
- Nick Sax: Well, well, well. You had me right up to "old times". Let's try this again. What's your angle?
- [as he puts his hand around her throat, she presses a a pair of scissors against his gut]
- Nick Sax: Oh, Mer, so predictable.
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: You gotta go see Blue, Nick.
- Nick Sax: He's really got you by the short and curlies, doesn't he?
- Francisco Scaramucci: Why are you touching me?
- Landon: I've been waiting for you.
- Francisco Scaramucci: I'm not in the mood to... what the fuck is that?
- Landon: Cherry vape. I'm quitting the old nic sticks. I was starting to get lines around my mouth.
- Landon: Let's be real. Hombre to hombre. I get it. You hate the show. But I just came from the morgue, and this dead son story is heating up. And bro, you are a big part of it. I am talking recurring guest. I am talking spin-off.
- [offering a piece of paper]
- Landon: Just, uh... sign this release and you can leave all that mobster crap behind.
- Francisco Scaramucci: That... crap?
- Landon: Cameras aren't rolling, dude. Celebrities are the new mobsters. They make twice as much, and nobody expects them to obey the law. You know, gotta give up this tired old idea of...
- Francisco Scaramucci: Why would I wanna leave all this behind?
- [smashing an ornament into Landon's cheek]
- Francisco Scaramucci: I love my work.
- Happy: 6538 Rose Drive. 6536 Rose Drive. Oh, look! 6534, we're almost home!
- Nick Sax: You're almost home. I haven't seen Amanda in ten years. Maybe this is a bad idea.
- Happy: We've been to a place where girls slide up and down poles in their birthday suits, where a teddy bear plays with pee-pees, a restaurant that forgot to cook the fish, and a few other places I'm too shy to even talk about. And you think *this* is a bad idea?
- Nick Sax: Amanda and I didn't exactly leave on... the best of terms.
- Happy: Come on, Nick. You're a super cop who knows the Big Apple better than anybody. She's a super mom who knows Hailey better than anybody. We can't lose!
- Happy: You've kicked in the doors of the baddest baddies in the Big Apple.
- Nick Sax: Quit calling it the Big Apple. You sound like a moron. No one who lives in New York calls it the Big Apple.
- Happy: I'm not from New York, Nick. I'm from Zork, the captial of Cupcake Kingdom.
- Nick Sax: I'm gonna say it again. I hate you.
- Nick Sax: Try and lend a helping hand, the world wipes its ass with it. She didn't want my help, eh. It's half-off sushi Saturday at a very adequate strip joint not too far from here. I can practically smell the spicy tuna.
- Happy: I guess Amanda was pretty hard on you, but mommies can have bad days, too. Anybody can.
- Happy: [sputtering] What's the matter with you?
- Happy: What do you...
- Nick Sax: [Happy gasps and covers himself up] You didn't tell me you shed. Don't shed! I don't like animals that shed!
- Happy: Look, I don't blame you for feeling sad, Nick. If I were you, I'd want to just poof! Disappear! At least for a little while.
- Nick Sax: Then why not forever?
- Happy: Uh, whenever I'm feeling down, I go back to basics. I think of ways to help Hailey. That's why I became an imaginary friend, after all. You know, the best way to forget about your own problems is to do something nice for someone else. That's why Christmas is so awesomesauce, Nick. Everyone full of holiday spirit and goodwill toward their fellow man. That holly, jolly time of year when people can pack up their troubles in an old doggy poop bag, and really be their truest self.
- Nick Sax: Their true self? Really? Is that what you think?
- Happy: Well, yeah.
- Nick Sax: Yeah, good luck with that. I'm out of here.
- Nick Sax: Oh, this city never disappoints.
- Happy: Is a show about to start?
- Nick Sax: Oh, yeah. You just watch. All it takes is a little inconvenience and... then you start to see them.
- Happy: See who?
- Nick Sax: Truest selves. Go on, Tinkerbell. Take a look. Little lap around. See how much humanity you find when the "A" train ain't running on time.
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: Amanda, you're gonna have to lay low for a while.
- Amanda Hansen: Excuse me?
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: This thing, it's bigger than I thought. I'm not sure how deep it goes, but there are powerful people involved. People who will not think twice about making you disappear.
- Amanda Hansen: Disappear? Without Hailey, there is nothing left of me to disappear.
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: It is what it is. I've overstepped already by involving you.
- Amanda Hansen: So you're asking me to do what, exactly? Sit here quietly, waiting for a knock on what's left of my front door telling me she's dead?
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: I know it's not easy, but seven other sets of parents are doing that exact same thing. Please let me handle it.
- Amanda Hansen: You're not handling anything. You're afraid. I threw the wrong person out of my house.
- Nick Sax: Really into Christmas, ain't you?
- Very Bad Santa: Happiest time of the year.
- Francisco Scaramucci: Oh, good. You two have met. We can get right down to tomorrow night's business.
- Nick Sax: Yeah, no. I don't think so.
- Francisco Scaramucci: I beg your pardon?
- Nick Sax: I ain't working with Kris Kringle here. I mean, as a general guideline, I prefer to work alone, but when an obvious total psychopath is involved, uh... no.
- Francisco Scaramucci: Don't be silly, Nick. This is one of my best men. You two are gonna get along like a pair of tits.
- Nick Sax: Well, deck the halls with boughs of holy shit. I knew that asshole looked familiar. That means... Blue. He's been behind it the whole time. BLUE!
- Mikey Scaramucci: Blue?
- Nick Sax: Mikey?
- [Mikey proceeds to nonchalantly masturbate]
- Nick Sax: Shit's just getting weirder and weirder.
- Nick Sax: All right, you were right, all right? I mean, well, you know, for the most part. I mean, not all people are bad, they're just... so god damned annoying most of the time. So come on. Hap! Happy! Ah, shit. I killed my kid's imaginary friend.
- Happy: Uh, Nick, the train is coming.
- Nick Sax: Yep.
- Happy: Yeah, so why don't you get off the tracks?
- Nick Sax: Nope. I'm gonna teach you a little lesson, my little blue bastard. Something you're never gonna forget. I'm gonna lie down here on these tracks, and I'm gonna let that train run me right over, and I guarantee you not one SOB on that whole platform will lift a finger to help me.
- Happy: All right, Nick. Get up, you win!
- Nick Sax: How's it looking up there?
- Happy: Awful! You made your point!
- Nick Sax: Not quite. Not until I give these walls a new paint job.
- Happy: But Nick, what about Hailey?
- Nick Sax: Hailey. Hailey. Don't you try and put this on me! You were the one with her when she was kidnapped! What have you done?
- Happy: I found you.
- Nick Sax: Yeah, well, how's that working out for you?
- Happy: You're right, Nick. This is your kind of world. Not a world for soft things like me. Like Hailey. You've opened my eyes to a lot of stuff I never wanted to see. But I won't watch you do this. If you want me to go, fine. I'll... I'll disappear.
- Nick Sax: Music to my ears.
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: Eight voicemails? Overkill?
- Internal Affairs Detective: You're here, aren't you?
- Internal Affairs Detective: Maybe pick up the phone next time, save us all a little trouble.
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: I was indisposed.
- Internal Affairs Detective: Yeah. We heard.
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: Bitches, I get that getting jerked around by Internal Affairs all morning is a part of my official job description, but can we please get to the fucking point?
- Internal Affairs Detective: [whistling] The language on this one. You suck your captain's dick with that mouth?
- Internal Affairs Detective: Exactly what do you think your job is, McCarthy?
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: Working in partnership with the community to enforce the law, preserve...
- Internal Affairs Detective: Homicide. You work homicide.
- Internal Affairs Detective: How's the Scaramucci investigation going, McCarthy?
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: It's ongoing.
- Internal Affairs Detective: Ongoing? You know who fucking did it.
- Internal Affairs Detective: Nick Sax.
- Internal Affairs Detective: That's who you should be out looking for.
- Internal Affairs Detective: Instead, you seem to have demoted yourself to kiddie kidnapping.
- Internal Affairs Detective: Missing Persons. Great band in the '80s. Not your department.
- Internal Affairs Detective: [they fist bump] Nothing to say for yourself?
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: What are words for when no one listens anymore?
- Internal Affairs Detective: McCarthy, this insubordinate routine can work really badly against you. You remember what happened to Sax, right?
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: Yeah. I remember what you two did to him.
- Internal Affairs Detective: Oh, come on. If ever there was an architect of his own spectacular demise, it was Nick Sax.
- Internal Affairs Detective: Dude was a walking downward spiral, and you know it.
- Internal Affairs Detective: Only a matter of time.
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: Guess when you look at it like that, what's a little planted evidence to help things along, right?
- Internal Affairs Detective: You want us to get to the fucking point, so here it is. This whole kidnapping angle, you want to steer wide clear of that.
- Internal Affairs Detective: Sometimes kids go missing. It's a tragedy. Sometimes we find them.
- Internal Affairs Detective: Sometimes we don't. You understand, McCarthy? Sometimes they just stay missing.
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: So this is a message. From Blue.
- Internal Affairs Detective: Blue? Who's that? You know who she's talking about, Hubble?
- Det. Meredith McCarthy: Without getting too graphic, how the hell do you bitches sleep at night?
- Internal Affairs Detective: Not on our father's graves. That is him on that wall, isn't it? Behind you?
- Internal Affairs Detective: Wall of Heroes.
- Internal Affairs Detective: Yeah. He was a good cop, McCarthy. Anyway, that's what I hear. Cut down in the line of duty. Mm. Makes you sick, doesn't it?
- Internal Affairs Detective: He must've been so proud of you.
- Internal Affairs Detective: Yeah, I bet he was. And I bet I know what he would tell you right now. He would tell you to stay off of that wall. Do what you have to do. Do *whatever* you to have to do. But stay off that wall.
- Nick Sax: You know we're gonna look back fondly on this.
- Amanda Hansen: On a complete blank.
- Nick Sax: You're gonna miss it when it's gone.