Jim Gaffigan: Noble Ape (2018 TV Special)

Jim Gaffigan: Self

Quotes 

• Jim Gaffigan : You leave a Japanese public restroom cleaner than when you walked in. You leave an American public restroom with PTSD.

• Jim Gaffigan : We have five children and there were moments when I was like, "Oh, my gosh, if anything" happens to my wife, those five kids are gonna be put up for adoption.

• Jim Gaffigan : I'm not a good Catholic. Like, if there was a test for Catholics, I would fail. But, then again, most Catholics would fail. Which is probably why there's not a test.

• Jim Gaffigan : The tumor is gone along with my ability to ever win another argument. It's not like I was winning a lot before, but now I'm retired. And luckily my wife's not the type to bring it up. Well, once she did. She was like, "You know", I did have brain surgery." And I couldn't be like, "Yeah, that was like a month ago."

• Jim Gaffigan : In December they televise the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show... Which is excellent, by the way. Well, that one's different 'cause there's angels. So there's a spiritual aspect... to the thongs their peddling.

• Jim Gaffigan : I don't know if you can tell by looking at me, but I'm kinda obsessed with not being interested in fashion.

• Jim Gaffigan : Those Vikings, the Scandinavians, I don't know if you've been to Sweden, it's like a whole country of Scarlett Johanssons. If I was in Ireland at that time, I would've been, "Oh, no, some Viking ladies coming to pillage me." I guess I'll hide on this bed covered in rose petals. Hopefully she can help me put together that table.

• Jim Gaffigan : In Finland where they invented the sauna, they relax in Finland by drinking vodka in the sauna. Which might explain why we've never read any Finnish literature.

• Jim Gaffigan : People who enjoy winter seem mentally unstable.

• Jim Gaffigan : I've noticed that a lot of hospitals in the U.S. are either named after Saints or ancient places in Israel which is not that reassuring when you think about it. It's like, "Hi, welcome to our hospital." We're all about science which is why our building is named after the place God talked to Moses as a burning bush. Over here's our Casper the Ghost wing... next to our Astrology Center. Do you like UFOs? We love those. "We're all about science."