- Lemony Snicket: Sometimes a story ends before it's over with unanswered questions, unresolved plots, lingering suspense blanketing the world like snow... or like smoke from a suspicious fire.
- Klaus Baudelaire: I just can't understand why Hugo, Colette, and Kevin would want to join people that do such wicked things.
- Violet Baudelaire: Maybe they're just happy someone's treating them like normal people. Maybe that's why Count Olaf's troupe works for him: they don't think they have anywhere else to go.
- Klaus Baudelaire: Then we're lucky; we know where we're going.
- Lemony Snicket: It can be frustrating to live in suspense, not knowing what's around the next curve in the road. You may feel as if you are on the edge of a cliff, not knowing if you will fall, how sharp the rocks are at the bottom, or if you will have time to scream. But life is like that. It's a cliffhanger.
- Violet Baudelaire: There are better things to do with your life than get eaten at a carnival.
- Colette: Like what?
- Klaus Baudelaire: Like... literally anything.
- Count Olaf: Here we are, riding off into the sunset.
- Hook-Handed Man: It's the middle of the afternoon.
- Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender: I feel morally queasy. It could also be from eating this hot dog I found on the ground.
- Lemony Snicket: On nights like this, I think of the fearsome beasts lurking in the darkness, and I wonder which part of the beast is the most frightening. Some say the teeth or the claws. Or the hair if you happen to be allergic. I believe that the most frightening part of any beast is its belly because if you are seeing the belly of the beast, it means that you have been devoured. And for that reason, the phrase "in the belly of the beast" means "in a terrible place with little chance of escape."
- Count Olaf: Ladies and gentlemen, I will reach inside the box, pull out one piece of paper, unfold it, and read the name of the freak out loud. Then that freak will then walk down this wooden plankway, jump into the pit, and we'll all watch as the lions eat him.
- Esmé Squalor: Or her.
- Count Olaf: Or her.
- Count Olaf: You're no fortune teller. You're that school librarian!
- Olivia Caliban: I'm more than that. I'm a volunteer!
- Violet Baudelaire: I know a knot called the Devil's Tongue. It might hold better. I can tie it.
- Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender: That's a relief. I have no idea what I'm doing.