- Wil Wheaton: Hey, Leonard, I have an opening in my D&D game next week, and I was wondering if you were interested in playing.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [flattered] Well, yes, thank you.
- Wil Wheaton: Okay, great. Now, here's the thing. You can't tell anyone. I'm serious. Not Howard, not Raj, and certainly not Sheldon.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Okay.
- Wil Wheaton: I'm really sorry to put you in a position where you have to lie to your friends...
- Leonard Hofstadter: [hanging up] See you there!
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Imagine you're looking in a mirror. The image you see looks just like you. That's called symmetrical.
- Sheldon Cooper: Now imagine you have a billion mirrors, and each of them reflects one thing about you correctly and a billion things about you incorrectly. And imagine the set of incorrect things are floating in an abstract N-dimensional hyperspace. Now imagine there was never a mirror to begin with.
- Wil Wheaton: Oh, was that a doorbell?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I didn't hear anything.
- Wil Wheaton: [pressing a button to make a doorbell sound] Huh, there it is again. Sheldon, why don't you answer it?
- Sheldon Cooper: But I don't know who it is.
- Wil Wheaton: Maybe it's a special guest who I invited just to surprise you. Why don't you open it up and find out.
- Sheldon Cooper: This is a terrible message to send to children.
- [directly addressing the camera]
- Sheldon Cooper: Children, you never open the door if you don't know who's on the other side. You always make your mommy or daddy do it while you hide under the bed and try to imagine what your superhero name will be when you avenge their deaths.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I'll get it.
- Sheldon Cooper: But it can't be Silver Shadow. That's mine.
- William Shatner: Hello.
- Sheldon Cooper: Captain on the bridge! Captain on the bridge! You're William Shatner.
- William Shatner: You can call me Bill.
- Sheldon Cooper: Ooh, can I call you Captain?
- William Shatner: No.
- Sheldon Cooper: Please?
- William Shatner: No.
- Sheldon Cooper: [whispering] Please?
- William Shatner: Sure.
- Sheldon Cooper: And w-will you call me Science Officer Cooper?
- William Shatner: This has got to stop.
- Sheldon Cooper: I think you know how to make it stop.
- William Shatner: [offering a handshake] Put her there, Science Officer Cooper.
- Sheldon Cooper: [knocking on Wil's door] Wil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton.
- [peeking inside, then ringing the doorbell]
- Sheldon Cooper: Wil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton.
- Wil Wheaton: Now's not a good time, Sheldon.
- Sheldon Cooper: For what?
- Wil Wheaton: You.
- Sheldon Cooper: I need to apologize.
- Wil Wheaton: Apology accepted.
- Joe Manganiello: [off screen] Wil, come on! I cast Fireball, and you need to roll your Dexterity Save.
- Wil Wheaton: I'll be right there.
- Sheldon Cooper: Are you playing Dungeons & Dragons?
- Wil Wheaton: No.
- Kevin Smith: Would you hurry up, man? The map says this dungeon's full of dragons.
- Wil Wheaton: [seeing Sheldon's look] Still no.
- Sheldon Cooper: Who are you playing with?
- Wil Wheaton: Uh... it's just some friends. You don't know them.
- William Shatner: Wheaton, get back here. Hobgoblins are at the gate, and you're at the door buying Girl Scout cookies.
- Sheldon Cooper: Is that William Shat...
- Wil Wheaton: [shutting the door] Nope.
- Raj Koothrappali: Hey, do you guys want to read my fan fiction mash-up, "Captain Marvelous Mrs. Maisel"?
- Penny Hofstadter: Nope.
- Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz: No.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Certainly not.
- Raj Koothrappali: You don't even know what it's about.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Is it about a superhero who finds her voice by doing stand-up?
- Raj Koothrappali: That's so much better than what I had. Mine is just a Jewish girl that flies.
- Howard Wolowitz: I'd read that.
- Wil Wheaton: You come face to face with a massive monster with a gaping maw full of teeth, three huge legs, and flailing tentacles. What do you do?
- William Shatner: Fellas, it looks like we're facing a, an otyugh. Here's the plan...
- Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Hold on there, Bill.
- William Shatner: Now what, Kareem?
- Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: How do we know it's not a neo-otyugh?
- William Shatner: Same way I know the difference between an owlbear and a bugbear. Does that answer your question?
- Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: No.
- Joe Manganiello: Look, there's only one way to settle this. We chop it up and look at the pieces.
- Kevin Smith: Oh, come on. Why do you always gotta attack everything? Why can't we just try talking to it?
- Joe Manganiello: Big surprise, Podcast here wants to talk.
- Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: What do you think, Leonard?
- Leonard Hofstadter: I think this is the greatest day of my entire life.
- William Shatner: It's all right, buddy. One day, you'll meet a girl.
- Penny Hofstadter: Hey, how was your lecture?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, it was so good. I-I-I mean, it-it started great, and then the, the middle was great, and then ending was, like...
- [pantomiming an explosion]
- Leonard Hofstadter: So great.
- Penny Hofstadter: Leonard, if you went to House of Pies again, just say it.
- Leonard Hofstadter: W-w-wait, if you think I'm lying, why do you think I'm eating pies? Why don't you think I'm... having an affair?
- Penny Hofstadter: Listen, i-it's fine, just next time, bring me a slice.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Kevin Smith was there, and-and, uh, this really tall guy named Kareem.
- Penny Hofstadter: Wait, wait, K-Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?
- Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know, it was, uh, Kareem something Jabbar. How do you know him?
- Penny Hofstadter: How do you *not* know him?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I know him now 'cause he was there.
- Penny Hofstadter: Wow. That is so cool.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, a-and that, uh, the guy who played the werewolf on-on "True Blood", he was there.
- Penny Hofstadter: What? Joe Manganiello?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, yeah.
- Penny Hofstadter: From "Magic Mike"?
- Leonard Hofstadter: What's that?
- Penny Hofstadter: [searching on her phone] Okay, okay. Did he look... like this?
- Leonard Hofstadter: He had his clothes on, but yeah.
- Wil Wheaton: All right, Professor Proton fans, get ready to meet Dr. Sheldon Cooper and Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler, a pair of real-life scientists who may win the Nobel Prize. That's like the Kids' Choice Award, but with more science and less slime.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Hi. Thanks for having us.
- Sheldon Cooper: Kids' Choice Award? Why would they let kids choose anything? They're basically human larvae.
- Wil Wheaton: So, you two have discovered something that a lot of people are really excited about.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: We have.
- Wil Wheaton: Now, before you explain it, keep in mind that our average viewer is this many.
- [he holds up nine fingers like a small child would]
- William Shatner: Put her there, Science Officer Cooper.
- Howard Wolowitz: [sounds of Sheldon vomiting] Oh, poor Shatner.
- Raj Koothrappali: Poor Shatner? I have to eat lunch now.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Look, Sheldon's pretty embarrassed, so when he gets here, we should...
- Howard Wolowitz: Make fun of him?
- Leonard Hofstadter: A lot.
- Raj Koothrappali: Guys, don't you think that's a little mean?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah.
- Raj Koothrappali: Okay, just so we're all on the same page.
- Howard Wolowitz: So, Sheldon, did you get William Shatner's autograph, or maybe his dry cleaning bill?
- Sheldon Cooper: Very funny. Get it all out.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Like you did on William Shatner?
- Sheldon Cooper: Raj, do you have something to add?
- Raj Koothrappali: You brought shame upon yourself and your family. It's not funny, but it's true.
- Sheldon Cooper: I will admit the meeting did not go the way I wanted.
- Howard Wolowitz: [imitating Shatner] Because you barfed where no man has barfed before?
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, the next time I meet him, it will go better.
- Raj Koothrappali: Next time? What makes you think there's gonna be a next time?
- Sheldon Cooper: Wil will give me another chance. He thinks the world of me.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Aw. One of the reasons I love you is you actually believe that.
- Sheldon Cooper: [not getting the sarcasm] Thank you.
- Sheldon Cooper: Guys, guys, Wil Wheaton hosts a secret celebrity D&D game.
- Leonard Hofstadter: How do you know?
- Raj Koothrappali: Who was there?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Why are you damp?
- Sheldon Cooper: I was trying to peek in Wil's window, and he turned the sprinklers on.
- Howard Wolowitz: Oh, that means they must be really famous.
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm almost positive I heard William Shatner.
- Raj Koothrappali: I wonder who else is playing.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I-I bet we can use graph theory to determine who Wil knows and who is likely to play D&D.
- Howard Wolowitz: Yes.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [hurrying over to a white board] Okay, obviously he's connected to the whole "Next Gen" cast.
- Penny Hofstadter: So this is the rest of our night, huh?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, no. This is the rest of our lives.
- Leonard Hofstadter: And Josh Brolin gets you to every Avenger.
- Howard Wolowitz: [on his phone] Kevin Smith's in this article about celebrities who play D&D.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, a-and he was on Wil's podcast, so they know each other.
- Raj Koothrappali: G-Go on his Instagram, see if you can find anything.
- Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, he-he posted something an hour ago: "#GameNight".
- Sheldon Cooper: That looks like Wil's house.
- Howard Wolowitz: William Shatner, Kevin Smith. Who else could be there?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Do you see what I see over his shoulder?
- Howard Wolowitz: [looking closer] Is that a ghost?
- Raj Koothrappali: I think it's Stuart.
- Sheldon Cooper: That is Stuart. What-what's he doing there?
- Raj Koothrappali: Maybe he died in Wil's house and he can't leave until he solves his own murder.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Why would Wil invite Stuart and not us?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [watching with Amy and Penny] I know the answer.
- Penny Hofstadter: Yeah. We all know the answer.
- Stuart Bloom: Hey, guys.
- Howard Wolowitz: You're home late.
- Stuart Bloom: Uh, yeah. I had a crazy night. I went to the pharmacy. I like to be there when the new decongestants drop.
- Raj Koothrappali: Cut the crap. We know where you were. We know what you were doing.
- Stuart Bloom: Yeah, I just told you. I was at CVS breathing my ass off.
- Leonard Hofstadter: We know you were at Wil's D&D game. We saw you on Instagram. We just want to know how you got invited.
- Stuart Bloom: I can't talk about it, or they won't invite me back next week.
- Leonard Hofstadter: So there's another game next week.
- Stuart Bloom: I didn't mean to say that.
- Howard Wolowitz: Who's in it?
- Stuart Bloom: Oh, I can't tell you!
- Raj Koothrappali: How do we get invited?
- Stuart Bloom: I don't know!
- Sheldon Cooper: How many hit dice are they playing the wereboar as having?
- Stuart Bloom: 12D8 + 24. AHH! I mean, I don't know!
- Stuart Bloom: I don't want to play anymore. It's too much pressure.
- Wil Wheaton: Why? What happened?
- Stuart Bloom: I've-I've said too much.
- Wil Wheaton: You haven't said anything.
- Stuart Bloom: Not to you. To them.
- Wil Wheaton: Who's "them"?
- Stuart Bloom: AHH! Now I have said too much!
- Raj Koothrappali: [calling Wil] But y-you blocked your number, right?
- Howard Wolowitz: Relax, this is not my first creepy phone call. It's like riding a bike... slowly past a girl's house.
- Wil Wheaton: Hello?
- Howard Wolowitz: [imitating Shatner] Wil, Bill Shatner here.
- Wil Wheaton: Is this Howard?
- Howard Wolowitz: Of course not. It-it's Shatner. If you don't believe me, ask my good friend, Christopher Walken.
- [imitating Walken]
- Howard Wolowitz: Hello. Bill and I are just hanging out at the Polo Lounge.
- Raj Koothrappali: [clinking two glasses] Mr. Shatner, Mr. Walken, here are your martinis.
- Howard Wolowitz: [normally, whispering] What are you doing?
- Raj Koothrappali: I'm filling out the world.
- Howard Wolowitz: You're ruining it.
- Wil Wheaton: No, he's not.
- Raj Koothrappali: Thanks, Wil!
- Leonard Hofstadter: [seeing Sheldon playing "Red Dead"] Sheldon, why are you walking everywhere? Just get a horse.
- Sheldon Cooper: I had a horse. It got hit by a train.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Get another one.
- Sheldon Cooper: I can't just replace Chauncey. I'm still in the grieving process.
- Leonard Hofstadter: If you really want to know, I'll tell you where I was. I was at Wil's D&D game, but that's all I can say.
- Penny Hofstadter: Oh, fun. Were there famous people there?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Ah, sorry, I-I-I can't tell you that. Okay, well, yes, but I-I-I-I can't tell you who. Well, no, I-I can tell you Shatner, but that's only because you already knew that one.
- Penny Hofstadter: Well, I'm glad you had fun.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I wish I could tell you who else was there. I can't, I promised.
- Penny Hofstadter: Yeah, if it makes you feel better, I couldn't care less.
- Leonard Hofstadter: That's true, you don't care, so there's no harm in telling you.
- Penny Hofstadter: Okay, you really don't have to.
- Leonard Hofstadter: All right, I'll tell you.
- Penny Hofstadter: I can't believe you met Joe Manganiello. Is he nice?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, he's so nice. I-I-I rolled my dice underneath the couch, and he just lifted it up, one hand.
- Penny Hofstadter: [daydreamily] Oh, I-I bet he did.
- Penny Hofstadter: Okay, can you guys keep a secret?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Yeah.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sure.
- Penny Hofstadter: Good, 'cause I can't. Leonard played "Dungeons & Dragons" with the hot guy from "Magic Mike".
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: I never got to see that movie.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Seriously?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yeah, Howie made us leave as soon as he realized it wasn't about magic.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, I have seen that movie one or seven times, and trust me, it is magic. Which guy?
- Penny Hofstadter: [showing them on her phone] That one.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [taking the phone] Abracadabra.
- Penny Hofstadter: Hey, you know what was fun? That time we played "Dungeons & Dragons".
- Amy Farrah Fowler: That was fun. We should play that more.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [still looking at Joe's picture] Sorry, what, now?
- Wil Wheaton: Hey, what are you guys doing here?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, I, uh, think Sheldon might have left something.
- Wil Wheaton: Oh, you mean besides his lunch?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [exaggerated laughter] You are so funny, Wil.
- Penny Hofstadter: Oh, we were just talking about how funny you are.
- Wil Wheaton: Yeah, Leonard told you, didn't he?
- Penny Hofstadter: Yeah.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Yup.
- Penny Hofstadter: Yeah.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Mm-hmm.
- Wil Wheaton: It's Manganiello?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Uh-huh.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski, Penny Hofstadter: Mm-hmm.
- Wil Wheaton: Feel good about yourselves?
- Penny Hofstadter: Nope.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: No.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Yeah.
- [seeing the others' looks]
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, we're going with no? No.
- Wil Wheaton: [Outside his front door, Wil points to Howard] No.
- [points to Raj]
- Wil Wheaton: No.
- [points to Leonard]
- Wil Wheaton: No.
- [points to Sheldon]
- Wil Wheaton: Hell no.
- Raj Koothrappali: I told you when I was in spin class with Scarlett Johansson.
- Leonard Hofstadter: It didn't even turn out to be Scarlett Johansson.
- Raj Koothrappali: Well, that's her fault, not mine!
- Stuart Bloom: I don't know what you're talking about.
- Raj Koothrappali: Then why are you trembling?
- Stuart Bloom: I'm always trembling.
- Wil Wheaton: Okay, Where were we?
- William Shatner: I was about to go all "Wrath of Khan" on these ogres.
- Penny Hofstadter: Yeah, let's teach that ogre what my broad sword tastes like.
- William Shatner: I like your moxie.
- Penny Hofstadter: Aw, and I like your grandpa words..