- Esmé Squalor: When I was 14, I was crowned False Spring Queen. We had this whole ceremony with my Snow Scout troop, at the top of a mountain. They did a little dance around a pole. It's where I discovered my love of pole dancing. Then, on the way back down the mountain, we stayed in a cave full of hibernating bears. Which, incidentally, is when I discovered my great love of fur.
- Lemony Snicket: My name is Lemony Snicket and I am on the lam, a phrase which here means, "conveying this information to you while being relentlessly pursued by the law." Being on the lam is a disheartening and an uncomfortable way to live. Not unlike being squeezed into a tight, dark box, tossed at high speed from a moving vehicle, and abandoned on a dusty patch of road, tormented by doubt and unsure of where you are going. Which, if you are on the lam, is often the only way to travel.
- Lemony Snicket: For Beatrice - Summer without you is as cold as Winter. Winter without you is even colder.
- Count Olaf: I think it's time for a little game of "Doctors and Nurses."
- Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender: That game makes me pretty uncomfortable.
- Hal: I know how dark and lonely the world must feel, but you can always find a kind person who's willing to shine a light on you when you need it. And, eventually, you'll learn to shine a light on others in need.
- White Faced Woman #1: You're "dead."
- White Faced Woman #2: And the Baudelaires are wanted for your "murder."
- Count Olaf: Thanks to those idiots at The Daily Punctilio, I'm a free man.
- Esmé Squalor: I thought we were officially dating.
- Esmé Squalor: When I was 14, I was crowned False Spring Queen. We had this whole ceremony with my Snow Scout troupe at the top of a mountain. They did a little dance around a pole. It's where I discovered my love of pole dancing. Then, on the way back down the mountain, we stayed in a cave full of hibernating bears. Which, incidentally, is when I discovered my great love of fur.