75th Golden Globe Awards (2018 TV Special)
Seth Meyers: Self - Host
Quotes
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Himself - Host : For the male nominees in the room tonight, this is the first time in three months it won't be terrifying to hear your name read out loud.
[laughter]
Himself - Host : "Did you hear about Willem Dafoe?" Oh, god, no! "He was nominated! Don't do that! Don't do that."
[laughter]
Himself - Host : Considering what has been going on this year with powerful men and their terrible behavior in Hollywood, a lot of people thought it would be more appropriate for a woman to host these awards. And they may be right, but if it's any consolation, I'm a man with absolutely no power in Hollywood.
[laughter]
Himself - Host : I'm not even the most powerful Seth in the room in the room tonight.
[laughter as the camera focuses on Seth Rogen]
Himself - Host : Hey, remember when he was the guy making trouble with North Korea?
[laughter]
Himself - Host : Remember that? Simpler times. They tried to get a woman to host this show, they really did. They said "Hey, how would you like to come and be judged by some of the most powerful people in Hollywood?", and women were like "Hmm. Well, where is it?", and they said "It's at a hotel", and long story short, I'm your host tonight.
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Himself - Host : And we're all here tonight courtesy of the Hollywood Foreign Press. A string...
[applause]
Himself - Host : Yeah. Give it up for the Hollywood Foreign Press. A string of three words that could not have been better designed to infuriate our president: Hollywood Foreign Press.
[laughter]
Himself - Host : The only name that would make him angrier would be the Hillary Mexico Salad Association.
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Himself - Host : Well, I think it's time to address the elephant not in the room. Harvey Weinstein isn't here tonight because, well, I've heard rumors that he's crazy and difficult to work with.
[laughter]
Himself - Host : But don't worry, he'll be back in twenty years when he becomes the first person ever booed during the "In Memoriam".
[laughter and boos]
Himself - Host : It'll sound like that.
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Himself - Host : Good evening, ladies and remaining gentlemen.
[laughter]
Himself - Host : I'm Seth Meyers, and I'll be your host tonight. Welcome to the 75th annual Golden Globes, and happy new year, Hollywood.
[applause]
Himself - Host : It's 2018. Marijuana is finally allowed and sexual harassment finally isn't. It's gonna be a good year. This was the year of "big little lies" and "get out". And also the television series "Big Little Lies" and the movie "Get Out".
[laughter]
Himself - Host : There's a new era underway, and I can tell because it's been years since a white man was this nervous in Hollywood.
[laughter]
Himself - Host : By the way, a special hello to hosts of other upcoming award shows who are watching me tonight like the first dog they shot into outer space.
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Himself - Host : Well, despite everything that happened this year, the show goes on. For example, I was happy to hear they're gonna do another season of "House of Cards". Is Christopher Plummer available for that, too?
[laughter]
Himself - Host : I hope he can do a Southern accent, 'cause Kevin Spacey sure couldn't.
[groans]
Himself - Host : Oh, was that too mean to Kevin Spacey?
[laughter]
Himself - Host : Daniel Kaluuya is nominated for Best Actor...
[cheers and applause]
Himself - Host : ...for his work in "Get Out". Daniel plays a young man lured to an event full of aging white people desperate to reclaim their youth, and, oh, my god, Daniel, it's a trap!
[laughter]
Himself - Host : Get out!
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Himself - Host : "Get Out" was a great film to see in a theater, and also a great way to tell if your date was a racist. If you walked out after that movie and your date said "It was so sad when they hit that deer", they're a racist.
[laughter]
Himself - Host : You went to a movie with a racist.
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Himself - Host : There was some great television nominated this year, too. We had another fantastic season of "Stranger Things".
[applause]
Himself - Host : "Stranger Things" reminded me so much of my childhood. Not the sci-fi stuff, and I didn't really have any friends, I don't know how to ride a bike. Basically just the part where a guy from RadioShack dated my mom.
[laughter]
Himself - Host : "Sesame Street" recently released a parody of "Stranger Things" titled "Sharing Things"; meanwhile, Bert and Ernie have been doing a parody of "Call Me By Your Name" for years.
[laughter]
Himself - Host : I live in New York, so one of my favorite shows of the year was "The Deuce". If you haven't seen it, "The Deuce" is a show about Times Square in the early '70s when New York was so seedy, there were two James Francos.
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Himself - Host : Oprah Winfrey is receiving the Cecile B. DeMille Award tonight.
[applause]
Himself - Host : What a tremendous honor for Cecile B. DeMille.
[laughter]
Himself - Host : And Oprah, while I have you, in 2011, I told some jokes about our current president at the White House Correspondent's Dinner; jokes about how he was unqualified to be president, and some have said that night convinced him to run. So, if that's true, I just want to say Oprah, you will never be president!
[laughter]
Himself - Host : You do not have what it takes! And Hanks! Where's Hanks?
[the camera focuses on Tom Hanks]
Himself - Host : You will never be Vice President!
[laughter]
Himself - Host : You are too mean and unrelatable.
[laughter]
Himself - Host : Now we just wait and see.
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Himself - Host : "The Shape of Water" received the most nominations of any film this year.
[applause]
Himself - Host : Just an incredibly beautiful film, but I have to admit, when I first heard about a film where a naive young woman falls in love with a disgusting sea monster, I thought "Oh, man. Not another Woody Allen movie."
[groans]
Himself - Host : It's like "Manhattan" in water. "The Post" is nominated for Best Picture tonight.
[applause]
Himself - Host : "The Post"... "The Post" is a film about journalistic integrity directed by Steven Spielberg and starring Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep...
[a woman walks on stage with her arms full of awards]
Himself - Host : No, not yet. We have to wait.
[she nods and leaves]
Himself - Host : We have to wait and see what happens.
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Himself - Host : On my show, we do a segment called "Jokes Seth Can't Tell" with two of my writers, Amber Ruffin and Jenny Hagel, where they tell punchlines that would be more fun coming from them instead of me, a straight white male. Tonight, that's more true than ever, so we thought we could enlist some of the brilliant people in this room, so let's start. Where's Jessica Chastain? Jessica Chastain?
[Jessica waves from her seat]
Himself - Host : There she is. Give it up for Jessica.
[applause]
Himself - Host : So I'm gonna say the set-up, and Jessica's gonna say the punchline. Okay, here we go. The Golden Globes turns 75 this year...
Herself - Nominee & Presenter : But the actress that plays its wife is still only 32.
[laughter]
Himself - Host : There you go! So much more fun. Where's Billy Eichner?
Billy Eichner : [waving from his seat] I'm here! I'm right over here.
Himself - Host : Okay, great. Here you go. Here's your set-up, Billy. "Call Me By Your Name" is nominated for best motion picture.
Billy Eichner : Said...
Himself - Host : It is a gay coming-of-age film.
Billy Eichner : Said Kevin Spacey, "You lost me at 'of age'."
[laughter and groans]
Himself - Host : And you thought it was mean when I said he didn't have a Southern accent. Issa Rae is nominated for her HBO show "Insecure".
[applause, as she waves from her seat]
Himself - Host : There's Issa.
Herself - Nominee : Hey.
Himself - Host : All right, here's your set-up. "Insecure" creator Issa Rae currently has three projects in development with HBO.
Herself - Nominee : Yeah, that's right, and, um, Three Projects is also where they think I'm from.
Himself - Host : [laughter] Next up, Hong Chau, so brilliant in the film "Downsizing". Let's see Hong.
[applause]
Himself - Host : Here's the set-up: according to a recent article, only 5% of speaking roles in Hollywood are played by Asian actors.
Herself - Nominee : But those numbers might be off, since a white person did the math.
