Diamantino (2018) User Reviews

Weird but entertaining

[euroGary · 7/10 · 1 November 2018]

We first meet the eponymous hero of 'Diamantino' as he prepares to score the goal that may propel Portugal into the final of the football World Cup. As he runs toward the goal, the pitch and stadium dissolve around him and are replaced by a field of pink powder through which gambol giant fluffy puppies. This is something Diamantino sees every time he is about to attempt a goal, and it gives an indication of his personality: footballing superstar he may be, but he is also sweet, innocent, childlike and a bit dim.

An encounter with refugees crossing the Mediterranean (a popular theme with film-makers at the moment) shocks Diamantino so much he decides to adopt one. The chosen refugee, 'Rahim', is actually Aisha, an agent for the Portuguese secret service, investigating Diamantino for money-laundering. She quickly realises he does not possess the intelligence to organise such a scheme, but she *does* discover that his evil twin sisters have arranged with the Minister for Propaganda that Diamantino be cloned, in order to create a world-beating football squad that will make the Portuguese into proud nationalists just before they are due to vote in a referendum to leave the European Union (Porexit?)

Looking a bit like West Ham midfielder Jack Wilshere (only with fewer injuries), Carloto Cotta makes Diamantino an engaging (and sexy) character, and Anabela & Margarida Moreira are deliciously evil as his sisters, although if I were a twin I might sigh at the 'weird twins' plot device being trotted out yet again. The 2018 London Film Festival included this film in their 'Experimenta' strand and rightly so: it is as mad as a box of frogs. But the narrative is largely coherent and the film is definitely entertaining. I may well watch it again.

A Farce, not a a particularly good one

[jramalho · 5/10 · 15 April 2019]

There are elements that showed promise: football and celebrity cult manipulation most of all (using a Cristiano Ronaldo-like clone; bad accent and family issues included). Especially if you happen to be Portuguese, but, of course, most viewers won't be. The production values are above average for what you'd expect, however the plot wanders, "serious" issues get lost, some of the acting is quite bad (a good turn from the protagonist and his evil twin sisters, though), and it is never as funny as it seems to think it is. In short: it's not great as a farce, and its not resolutely and wholeheartedly bad enough to be camp.

EUFF Review: Diamantino (7 Stars)

[nairtejas · 7/10 · 23 September 2019]

Diamantino (given Portuguese name) is the best film I watched at EUFF 2019, a story that is relevant and funny it took me by surprise and made me regret I skipped it in 2018 at the MAMI MFF.

Narrating the story of a footballer who fell from glory to disgrace because of one missed goal, Diamantino takes you through government propaganda, fascism, illegal scientific studies, and a sweet little relationship between the eponymous character (the brilliant and talented Carloto Cotta whose face itself is so perfect for the role he plays) and a boy that he adopts when he learns about the refugee crisis. The humor is laugh-out-loud here, both through the dialogues and the visuals that is just magically delivered in a snappy screenplay of 90 minutes. The performances are the next highlight of the film, especially the sisters who played Diamantino's sisters on screen. Such beauty and sinister-ship they carry, you cannot take eyes off them when they are on the screen. But come to think of it, this is a film where you can't do it anyway because it's fun... absurdist, but just pure fun. The wit and wordplay is also very strong here. It will most importantly remind you of a real-life footballer who hails from the same country this film is set in... TN.

(Watched and reviewed at the 24th European Union Film Festival (EUFF India) in Mumbai.)

Entertaining, Hilarious, Absolutely bananas take on celebrity culture

[Atheist_Dude · 24 January 2019]

If nothing else, you will be dazzled by the immense joyous flight of fancy by the young directing duo who use their depth of imagination to craft this bizarre but often funny and endearing take on celebrity culture. Everything from sports, to politics, to social media, to gender issues, to immigration is tackled in a wild entertaining mix with some sci-fi thrown in there for good measure too.

Grounding everything - the glue that holds all these wild shenanigans together is the magnificent leading man Carloto Cotta as Diamantino the Cristiano Ronaldo like celebrity superstar figure at the center of this story. Cotta provides the oiled rippling six pack abs worthy of Ronaldo but also brings a disarming naivete which transforms what on paper would be a insufferable macho jock character into a gentle guileless soul, a man too good for our times.

It is easy to root for this hero even when he loses his prized sculpted torso and is feminized by having boobs due to a sci-fi experiment gone wrong.

Football fans with a sense of humor should definitely check this out.

Miso-Mash

[westsideschl · 4/10 · 13 November 2019]

Just because you toss whatever is in the kitchen cupboards & fridge into a pot doesn't necessarily mean it's a nutritious tasty meal. So it was with my take on this script. I suppose no direction/cohesiveness w/giant animated pink fluffy dogs running around (Suppose to mean anything?) can be funny. For the ladies our lead actor spends a lot of time lifting (probably with a large mirror) so that's a positive.

A lot of fun!

[shojohexal · 8/10 · 14 February 2019]

I haven't laughed out loud in a theater in years, but this one really got me. It is an pdd film, hat much is for sure, but also reminicent of genre cult classics like Barbarella. Wonderfully done

The occasional nice rear and flat abs does not make for a worthy film

[ccorral419 · 2/10 · 11 June 2019]

Some film reviews require very few words to explain what a waste of movie viewing time a film can be. "Dimantino," by director/writers Gabriel Abrantes and Daniel Schmidt, is one of those films. Dubbed a "gay film," this subject matter was almost impossible to find anywhere in the film. Sure, Dimantino (Carloto Cotta), with those soccer player flat abs, is a cutie who eventually the audience gets to see nude from the rear, "butt" the occasional nice rear and flat abs does not make for a worthy film. Especially when the storyline includes seeing fluffy puppies on the soccer filed, money laundering, cheesy mean-girl sisters (Anabela and Marardia Moreira), sale of their brothers DNA to Dr. Lamborghini (Cara Maciel), a corny mad scientist lab, adoption of a refugee child (Cloe Tavares) - who is obviously an adult, and a commercial shoot that encourages separation from the EU, and well you get the picture. It's hard to believe this film won 2018 Cannes Film Festival "Critics Week Grand Prize" and Cine Ceara National Film Festival "Feature Film Trophy" Awards. Don't waste you time here!

lol so charming. when he juggles the blown kiss

[mehobulls · 8/10 · 30 September 2020]

The premise is straight out of a cheesy lifetime movie: a retired soccer player adopts a refugee and grows up, but it's so much weirder and queerer than that at every turn. Visually sumptuous, shot on film gives it a glow and helps make the iffy CG look like a deliberate choice. Diamantino is an achingly sweet and earnest character so he's easy to love, lost amongst the scheming political evils of our day.

Wtf did i just watch

[tovethetra · 3/10 · 22 July 2023]

Im sitting in my couch this very moment wondering what i just watched. The politics of this movie are... wierd. Ig to have a lesbian couple break up just so diamontino (a man) can have a romantic relationship with what in his head is a child boy who he rescues from poverty is an odd (to put it lightly) decision from the directors. The movie would work perfectly without the lesbian (Aisha) turning straight due to dimantinos massive honkers. The exact same stuff could have happened without the need of converting a lesbian, Aisha could've pretended to be a boy indefinitely, she could've said that she was a secret agent saving him or some bullcrap. Another example is the ideas surrounding EU and immigration, i think the movies message is EU good, Nationalist bad? And that immigrants shouldn't die crossing the ocean?

What does this movie want to tell me? So the message of this movie is totally lost on me.

Irritatingly misogynistic

[guy-366 · 4/10 · 27 August 2020]

Diamantino's (Ronaldo's) twin sisters were so ugly, disgusting and over the top that I had to stop watching. Terrible overacting too.

A weird Portuguese distopy with a hyper Cristiano Ronaldo

[guisreis · 8/10 · 19 August 2020]

Very weird but also smart dark humour Portuguese movie. They had the strange idea of mocking in a spoof of football player Cristiano Ronaldo while also producing a distopy on a Portugal governed by far right who uses propaganda and genetic engineering to split from European Union and repell foreign non-white immigrants. Strongelly, it worked, although leading role character's dumbness does not convince very much. It is a poltical comedy (more than a sport one) with some surrealist touches (which are in the rich good-hearted stupid football player Diamanino's mind). It does what it is possible to annoy far right.

Painfully embarrasing!

[oscarvonseth · 1/10 · 13 November 2018]

This is truly a unique film. Although unique in this case doesn't mean either interesting or good.

If films where pointless absurdities and narrative are completely out of sync is your thing, then you'll like this sci-fi/political thriller/football flick.

The acting is beyond awkward but what's even more insulting is how this work trivializes and makes petty fun of real issues like the refugee crisis, the rise of right-wing nationalism, gender transformation (which here is described as "disturbing") as well as homophobic abuse. Simply awful.

Crazy

[ernestsavesxmas · 8/10 · 6 February 2020]

I tried to conjure up an absurd math equation which addressed the moving pieces that constitute Diamantino's 'plot' and gave up after "Comically evil twin sisters + Childlike megastar athlete ÷ (lesbian government spy couple - undercover refugee) = ..." The beauty of this is in not knowing what will happen next. Many movies can and actively do strive for unpredictability, but here is the rare reality of that achievement realized. It's cheap, in a way, just attempting that. I don't believe this film comes together in the end, but it has a lot of fun trying.

The central visual idea, which is plastered on the movie poster and might just be the only thing you know about this even if you don't totally about it, is that Diamantino (definitely not Ronaldo) is an internationally famous Portuguese soccer star who loves putting nutella on things and who, when 'in the zone', transports to a magical land of pink clouds and giant fluffy dogs. It's a visual metaphor for something that the viewer will likely either get immediately or scoff at. Thankfully, I found myself among the former.

The visual FX themselves are charming. Not just the green-screened pups bouncing (and eventually launching off into space) but the weird poorman's Minority Report tech setups and computer OS designs. Their feeling unreal added to the flow of this in such a nice, lowkey way.

I wouldn't necessarily say that the overtly political elements of the story bogged things down, but at times their prevalence made some of the general wackiness feel like shtick instead of an inspired genesis, and even more of a bizarre pairing when the film transforms into a full-on love story.

While it's far from perfect, I would definitely recommend this as something you need to see to believe, and the less said the better.

A big pile of steaming Sh t!

[ElNapalmo · 1/10 · 7 September 2019]

I will use the same vulgar and careless language as the movie.

What the f ck did i just watch? I like genre cinema, be it sci-fi, horror, surrealism, fantasy, a.o, but this is a big pile of steaming sh t. There are some good ideas, but the directing is atrocious, with lots of shaky camera to hide the clumsiness of the directors, and absurd frameworks that not even the great Jess Franco would use (but the spanish director knew what he was doing, there is a big difference). And, let's talk about the cast ... the fewer skills and the more over-the-top you can be ... the better. It's a shame because Carloto Cotta is an above average actor and is being underused in this abysmal sh t. Despite having some good ideas (I liked the fuzzy dogs) and some interesting sequences, this fails roundly. I don't think I will ever give the benefit of the doubt to these directors. This is, speaking in pure, hard and raw terms, a beautiful sh t in 3 acts.

in order to like this movie..

[pippolomeo · 4/10 · 5 December 2023]

..you must be at least as stupid as the lead character of this movie.

Ok, it's comedy; ok, it's allegorical; ok, it's satyrical.

But still, it's all based on the dumbness of Diamantino, and everything is so in your face: no surprises, no plot twists, no emotions.

All characters are one-sided_ the good (and dumb), the bad, and the bad-soon-to-be-good,

The movie made me smile at the beginning, during the dreamy soccer scene, but that's all.

I actually did not fully undestand why the "daughter" had to be disguised as a "daughter", making it even less credible. Maybe in order to avoid any sexual harassment by DIamantino?

Anyway, this movie is avoidable. Best part: the last couple of minutes..

Charming and rewarding

[Benjamin-Rider · 10/10 · 19 April 2020]

This feels like a pumped up version of Sally Potter's Orlando. It's charming, original, funny, loveable and rather smart.