The Beach Bum (2019)

Matthew McConaughey: Moondog

Photos 

Quotes 

• Moondog : I mean, fuck, we're here to have a good time. I just wanna have a good time, until this shit's over, man. This life's gig a fucking rodeo and I'm gonna suck the nectar and fucking rawdog it till the wheels come off.

• Moondog : One day I will swallow up the world, and when I do, I hope you all perish violently.

• Moondog : I get all these things going, man, and they are all turning me on. And my wires are connecting upstairs and I start to hear music in my head. You know, and the world is reverberating back and forth and I hit the frequency and I start to dance to it. My fingers get moving, my head gets soupy, I'm spinning all over the fucking place, and the fucking words come out.

• Moondog : [to a pair of cops, waiting outside his home]  It's about time you guys got here, I need help carrying my luggage!

• Moondog : Give me a lucky lotto triple seven and a cigar, would you?

  Cash Register Guy : Sure.

  Moondog : You don't sell acid, do you?

  Cash Register Guy : No...

  Moondog : That's too bad, man. This place used to.

• Moondog : If I may suggest, your honor, I was told about this amazing rehab facility in the Virgin Islands that's got an open bar and 24 hour time massage. A little "jerky-jerk" to take the edge off you in the detox period. Drain the old jizz pipe with the anti toxins.

  Judge : Excuse me?

  Moondog : All due respect to my own personal fluid transition into my sobriety, I want to let you know the therapeutic value of a groin massage during the acute withdrawal phase is off the charts fucking medicinal!

  Judge : It's not gonna happen!

• Moondog : Keep the pool hot.

  Jose the Pool Boy : I put it on 120 for you.

  Moondog : That's what I'm talking about. Keep it there, baby, and add the chlorine. Cause I may have a gangbang when I get back. I'll invite your mother.

  Jose the Pool Boy : Thank you Mr. Moondog.

• Moondog : Now, what he failed to mention, that these dolphins have got a sort of corkscrew pecker. Alright. A little, whippy, winding ranky-cank thing.

  Captain Wack : It's true, kids. It's sort of like a corkscrew.

  Moondog : So keep a look out.

  Captain Wack : And it's orgy season. So hopefully, we will get to see something, some real wild stuff.

  Moondog : Everybody's fucking, they're really horny this time of the season.

• Moondog : Man, I'm high. My nuts are throbbing right now.

  Lingerie : First time I hit this shit, I nearly went into a coma. I forgot how to motherfucking breathe. What you see?

  Moondog : The delights of 39 ladies.

  Lingerie : What about those cartoons right there? Can you see them?

  Moondog : Are we looking at the same screen?

• Moondog : I don't want you to put a penny of that stuff in the bank. You know, I don't trust those Illuminati motherfuckers.

• Moondog : I am quite certain that the world is conspiring to make me happy.

• Captain Wack : I only had four deaths on my watch.

  Moondog : Only four?

  Captain Wack : Four deaths in over eight straight years of dolphin touring. It's a terrific record. Now, I've been stripped of my license temporarily on five separate occasions but each time, I get it reinstated due to a technicality I never quite understood.

• Lewis : It's sad, Moondog. You used to be a motherfuckin' ATM for me, boy. You have - pissed away your talent on women and booze and total excess.

  Moondog : Now you're talkin'. Yeah, all those things, that's what feeds the juices up here my nugget, man, through my loins up the Autobahn, my spirit and mind, man.

• Moondog : You know my home is down here in the Keys with all the burn-outs. I'm a bottom feeder. I got to go low to get high. You know that.

• Lewis : I'm not even upset, even a little bit, that I was not included in the ceremonies.

  Moondog : Oh, you thought you'd be included?

  Lewis : No, well, like I said, I'm busy, anyway, so like I said, I'm not offended. And I just want to be clear, this doesn't have to do... with the incident a few years back.

  Moondog : Oh, when you walked in and saw that...

  Lewis : I didn't know she was changing.

  Moondog : She said you stayed a little longer than a few seconds.

  Lewis : Well, I used to mix signals back then. It was a confusing time. I would misread things often.

• Moondog : I'm gonna throw a few fresh lines on you. A little poem I'm workin' on right now: Last night, When I went to bed in Havana, I was thinkin' about you, I was thinkin' about you, Then I got up about 4:00 a.m., And I had to take a piss, As guys do, And I looked down at my dick, And I had such affection In my heart when I did, Knowing that it had been, Inside you twice today, Made me feel, Beautiful. That's what I got. Have a great night. Chase the moon.

• Moondog : How did I pull it off? How did I do it? I mean, look, I could tell you that I've been tryin' to uncover the abyss beneath my illusory connection with the world. I could tell you that it's all written in the stars. I could tell you that I'm a reverse paranoiac. I am quite certain that the world is conspirin' to make me happy. All three of which are true but it's really simpler than that. I like to have fun, man. Fun is the fuckin' gun, man. That is why I like boats. I like water. I like sunshine. I like beautiful women. A lot. I get all these things goin', man, and they are all turnin' me on. And my wires are connectin' upstairs and I start to hear music in my head. You know, and the world is reverberatin' back and forth and I hit the frequency and I start to dance to it. My fingers get movin', my head gets soupy, I'm spinnin' all over the fuckin' place, and the fuckin' words come out. It is like it's a fuckin' gift.

• Moondog : What does she know about love, anyway? She's 16 years old. She doesn't know what love is. She's too young to get married.

  Minnie : She's 22, Moondog.

  Moondog : Ah, 22, whatever. I mean, besides, she's marrying such a limp dick.

  Minnie : You're probably right.

• Moondog : Oh! Look at you.

  Minnie : No, you've been gone too long.

  Moondog : Look at you.

  Minnie : You have to woo me.

  Moondog : Woo-woo-doo...

• Moondog : Oh, my God. I forgot how rich we were.

• Sexy Older Woman : Do you know what my horoscope said? Don't play with matches.

  Moondog : You don't have to, because the fire is already lit, sweetie. That veil is fire. You got a lot of great things going on all over your B-O-D-Y right now.

• Moondog : Hey, hey, what's shakin', little ginger goat?

• Lingerie : [on the phone]  Moondog, what it do?

  Moondog : Is that the lounger, one and only?

  Lingerie : You already know it, man.

• Moondog : I'm looking for something a little more earthbound. Big-breasted, no scars. Just like you. Just like you. Just like you.

• [first lines] 

  Moondog : Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Un poquito albino - my little angel pussy. Nobody? Anybody?

• Moondog : In the dusk, you see that woman. She is singing to us, calling us back over the vistas of our past, right back to a child hunched under the piano, sittin' in the boom, and the tinkling strings. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got his hand - he's got his hand on it, on the foot of his mother. And she smiles - as she sings. And in spite of myself, the insidious mastery of song has betrayed me back once again - to the heart of me, where I weep to belong.

  Lingerie : Oh! That is the most brilliant shit I've ever heard. You wrote that?

  Moondog : Yeah, I did.

  Lingerie : That is some wild *shit*, dog.

  Moondog : Glad you like it, man. I wrote that in my younger years. Actually, D. H. Lawrence wrote it. But I stole and plagiarized it for my seventh-grade poetry contest. And guess what? I won that motherfucker.

  Lingerie : Moondog, you my motherfucker.

• Moondog : Hey, hey, hey, hey. Minnie-Minnie Boo-Boo. Minnie-Boo.

• Moondog : I still don't understand how you married this milk-drinking closet case. I mean, look at him. He's got no magic, he's got no style. He's dressed up like a J.V. cheerleader. I had high hopes for you, Heather. High fucking hopes.

• Moondog : Thank yooooooooooou, Minnie-Boooooooo! Fuck you, as well.

• Moondog : Float me enough cash to get back down to the Keys to buy the fun goodies that make me smile and laugh all day. Is that so much to ask?

  Lewis : I can't do it for you, big papa. I can't. Because, you know what, I been waitin' for ages and I ain't gettin' no pages.

• Judge : Back again, huh? Your choice, prison or rehab.

  Moondog : Is there a third option?

• Moondog : You guys ever watched Magnum P.I.? It's based on my life. I watch it all the time. It's like looking in the fuckin' mirror.

• Moondog : I'm not asking you to part the fuckin' Red Sea for me. I'm askin' you for enough loot to set me up for a few weeks here so I can have my daily goodies. A little booze, a little weed, a little poontang.

• Heather : Why did you destroy your own house?

  Moondog : Ah, boredom, I guess. I don't know.

  Heather : Dad, what is wrong with you?

  Moondog : I'm fine! I'm really better than fine. This is another little adventure we are on. When did you become such a Republican?

  Heather : Republican?

  Moondog : Well, whatever.

• Moondog : The wind, the rain, the stars, the bird, the clock will answer you. Get drunk, good man. Get drunk - and stay drunk.

  Homeless Phil : Is that poetry?

  Moondog : Of course it's poetry, you toothless, illiterate chump. It's Baudelaire.

• Moondog : Let's get up to a little Devil's business before we get saved.

  Flicker : You know the best part about the devil. Fucking, he finds the fun. And then we take Jesus and we just ride him all the way to the top, because the best part is, we can do whatever the fuck we want. Jesus already paid for all our sins.

• Moondog : Oh, setting sun, though the time has come, I warble under you. Well, no one else does. Unmitigated adoration.

  Flicker : Hey, that was fucking beautiful.

  Moondog : I know, right. There she is, shining on you, man.

• Flicker : This shines bright, fucking real bright.

  Moondog : You got it, tiger.

  Flicker : Go spread that light. Shine big, brother.

• Moondog : Your mother loved me?

  Heather : Yes, Dad.

  Moondog : She said that?

  Heather : Of course.

  Moondog : She think I was brilliant?

  Heather : She thought you were a genius.

  Moondog : She said that?

  Heather : That's why she stayed with you all those years. And that's why you've always been able to get away with everything, Dad.

  Moondog : Ah, Minnie-Boo. She had an incredible ass. Could fellate like a python. Fuck, she could fellate a python if she wanted.

• Captain Wack : It is beyond luck. Karma, man, I'm blessed, bro.

  Moondog : Meant to be.

• Moondog : I like your swagger, Captain.

  Captain Wack : Thanks, Moondog. Got nicked in 'Nam, makes me walk like a pimp. Some shrapnel partially shredded my nut sack, but everything still works. I'm still bangin'. Bop. Bop, bop, bop.

• Moondog : Look, it's heaven. Heaven looks like that, Lounger.

  Lingerie : Think of it like this, dog. I'm gonna give you so much of this, you gonna be able to write you a couple of novels and that poetry shit.

  Moondog : Poetry...

  Lingerie : Yeah, I'm talking about poems out of your motherfuckin' asshole.

  Moondog : Yes, yes, yes, yes.

  Lingerie : This is the safecracker right here. To crack the safe - to writin' that thing and gettin' that money! Because this is the key to unlocking all of those juices in that head of yours. Trust me.

• Lingerie : Moondog?

  Moondog : Yeah. I'm back!

  Lingerie : Where the fuck you been, man? You look like shit!

  Moondog : No, man, I look like I always look, man.

• Captain Wack : It's been real, Moondog.

  Moondog : It's been more than that. It's been whack, Captain Wack. See you down the road.

• Lingerie : So sexual.

  Moondog : Hypersexual.

  Lingerie : Oh, man, the moves that she doing, man.

  Moondog : She had these tiny hands. And what I loved about her tiny hands, it made my cock look so big.

  Lingerie : Oh, wow. You should've seen what mine looked like in her hands. The way she went down on me, I could just see it right now.

  Moondog : Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

  Lingerie : And if you make eye contact.

  Moondog : I hear you. I hear you. That's enough. That's enough.

• Moondog : I wanna have a big fuckin' fireworks show, man. Invite all my friends from the Keys. None of that sparkler bullshit that impresses lesbians, pregnant women, and babies. No, no, no. Let's Valhalla this motherfucker, you know what I mean? Raise the dead. Woo!

• Moondog : What do you think about that, huh? Cash and a boat. We can do whatever we want or nothin' at all.

• Snoop's Rasta Pilot : Safe and sound. I don't fock around.

  Moondog : You know what, it doesn't even matter what you said, it just sounds so fuckin' good how you say it.

• Moondog : Sweetie, I'm telling you, don't ever bet against the Moondog.