- Himself - Who's The Baby Daddy: Jimmy Kimmel or Matt Damon: There's *no WAY* that Jimmy could be the father of Molly's baby! He doesn't even have a DICK!
- Himself - Host: If Matt is the father of Molly's baby, I will sue him, I will sue Molly, I will sue Maury, I'll sue the baby! I will SUE!
- Himself - Host: [Matt is not the father] whoooaaaa! You are NOT the father! You are not the father!
- [points at his crotch]
- Himself - Host: Look at that right there, that's the FATHER!
- [singing and dancing all around Matt]
- Himself - Host: Whoooooaaaa, he's not the father!
- Himself - Who's The Baby Daddy: Jimmy Kimmel or Matt Damon: I can't believe we had that much sex and you didn't get pregnant by me.
- Herself - Who's The Baby Daddy: Jimmy Kimmel or Matt Damon: I'm sorry.
- Tracy Morgan: [Tracy Morgan has been revealed to be the baby's father] I'm *every* baby's Daddy!
- [Tracy and Molly kiss and cuddle in front of Jimmy]
- Himself - Host: Is this true?
- Herself - Who's The Baby Daddy: Jimmy Kimmel or Matt Damon: How could either of you satisfy me when all you *really want* is each other?
- Maury Povich - Who's The Baby Daddy: Jimmy Kimmel or Matt Damon: Guys, it's been obvious for years.
- [Jimmy and Matt are holding hands]
- [Matt claims to have fathered Molly's baby]
- Himself - Host: You promised me that you were going to *stop fucking my girlfriends!*
- Himself - Who's The Baby Daddy: Jimmy Kimmel or Matt Damon: And I did. She's not your girlfriend.
- Himself - Host: She's my WIFE! That's worse! That's actually WORSE!
- Himself - Who's The Baby Daddy: Jimmy Kimmel or Matt Damon: [talking to Molly's belly] Hello, baby. We don't know if you're a boy or girl, but you've got your choice of Daddies. You can one have one Daddy who's an Emmy LOSER.
- Himself - Host: Emmy Nominee.
- Himself - Who's The Baby Daddy: Jimmy Kimmel or Matt Damon: Same difference. Or you could have a Daddy who's an *Oscar winner*. You wanna play with Daddy's Oscar?
- Himself - Host: It was a weak year.
- Himself - Who's The Baby Daddy: Jimmy Kimmel or Matt Damon: You wanna play with Daddy's Oscar?
- Himself - Host: Yeah, you could have a Daddy who made out with Liberace.
- Himself - Who's The Baby Daddy: Jimmy Kimmel or Matt Damon: That was acting.
- Himself - Host: Yeah right, acting. That was real life. Acting *is* your real life.
- Maury Povich - Who's The Baby Daddy: Jimmy Kimmel or Matt Damon: Next on Maury, Guillermo thinks his Mom dresses too sexy.
- Guillermo: Mom, I think you dress too sexy.
- Mrs. Rodriguez: [smacks him] I think that THEY like it!
- Himself - Host: Special thanks to Tracy Morgan and Martin Short. By the way, Matt Damon has a new movie "The Great Wall" coming out soon. Please, don't go see it.
- Himself - Who's The Baby Daddy: Jimmy Kimmel or Matt Damon: I'm the father, Jimmy. The truth will set you free.
- Himself - Host: Who's the father?
- Maury Povich - Who's The Baby Daddy: Jimmy Kimmel or Matt Damon: Molly, when it comes to your unborn baby...
- [suspense music]
- Tracy Morgan: Guess who's coming to dinner?
- Maury Povich - Who's The Baby Daddy: Jimmy Kimmel or Matt Damon: Tracy, you are the father!
- Maury Povich - Who's The Baby Daddy: Jimmy Kimmel or Matt Damon: And Tracy, do you have something to tell us?
- Tracy Morgan: That's right, I do. I'm pregnant too.
- Maury Povich - Who's The Baby Daddy: Jimmy Kimmel or Matt Damon: [applauses from audience] What?
- Tracy Morgan: With Maury's baby.
- Maury Povich - Who's The Baby Daddy: Jimmy Kimmel or Matt Damon: Whaaat?
- [laughs]
- Maury Povich - Who's The Baby Daddy: Jimmy Kimmel or Matt Damon: I hate children.