Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

The Smurfs 2 (2017)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : [on seeing Gargamel's two Naughties Vexy and Hackus]  These two characters are Vexy and Hackus, played by Christina Ricci and J.B. Smoove. I'm introducing them to you because the movie forgot. We didn't see them made, we know nothing about them, we're just stuck with these two characters that never, ever got an introduction.

  [he looks offscreen] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Don't you hate it when that happens, Bill?

  Bill : [nodding]  Mmm-hmmmm.

  Nostalgia Critic : [scoffs]  That is so Bill.

• Nostalgia Critic : After the, and I can't believe I'm saying this, smash hit Smurfs movie, it only figured to do a sequel with the exact same people. The downside is, it's lame, contrived, not funny, bad for kids, bad for adults, bad for anyone... Actually, let's make this easier: the upside is, it made a lot of money. And, of course, that's what matters most, so they threw more money at the sequel to make more money back. The result, once again, is the not-pleasant bouquet of nausea under the guise of family entertainment.

• Nostalgia Critic : Seeing how the last time I did a crossover was with the Black Nerd, it only figures to extend him the same offer again. Hey, Black Nerd, how are you...

  Black Nerd : [not paying attention; on the phone]  What up, homie? Hey, put me down for $200 on the Patriots losing, a'ight? Ain't no way their ass can cheat to victory this year. You know what I'm saying?

  [the Critic is perplexed at this] 

  Black Nerd : When you gonna come back here with my bong, a'ight? I gots to get high.

  [reverts to his Black Nerd voice] 

  Black Nerd : Man, Black Nerd has to review a new Power Rangers movie trailer...

  [normal voice] 

  Black Nerd : ... and I can't do that unless I get blazed as *fuck*. Hey, man, I'm-a have to call you back. There's a White Walker present.

  [sees the Critic] 

  Black Nerd : Well, well, well, if it isn't the Nostalgia Bitch.

  Nostalgia Critic : Um, hi, Black Nerd, I was reviewing "Smurfs 2" and was wondering...

  Black Nerd : Oh, I get it, I get it. You thought I was gonna leave beautiful sunny California to fly to yo' neck of the woods, in the dead o' winter, to talk about a damn Neil Patrick Harris Smurfs sequel wit' yo' punk ass?

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, I don't know about my ass' punk qualities, but...

  Black Nerd : Here's what's wrong wit' you, man. You think this all there is to me, think I'm all just "Smurfs" and "Ninja Turtles" and "Power Rangers" and "Tiny Toon Adventures" and shit?

  Nostalgia Critic : [nervously]  I don't know.

  Black Nerd : That's real sad. I feel bad for you, Critic. I'm-a pray for you. Maybe the next time you do a charity shout-out, you should be shouting out to getting you a life. I ain't got time for this. I got an underground gambling ring to take care of. Not to mention all those hot Nintendo Switches that I'm-a sell on eBay... that fell off a truck. You ain't hear that from me. A'ight, man. Peace, loser!

  [starts to leave] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, that's right, you better run!

  Black Nerd : [coming right back]  What'd you say, punk?

  Nostalgia Critic : Nothing! Nothing!

  Black Nerd : Mm-hmm. Watch yourself. Oh, and by the way...

  [reverts to his nerd voice] 

  Black Nerd : ... call me when you do a "Smurfs: The Lost Village" review. I'll be right there for you, Critic. I love you like a play cousin, I'm outie 5000! Chain Chomp Yomp!

  [normal again] 

  Black Nerd : Ya punk-ass motherfucker!

  [leaves] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, I'll show him who's got a life. I'm reviewing "Smurfs 2"!

  [he nods defiantly, then frowns as the realization sets in]