Stephen Colbert: Self - Host

Quotes 

• Himself - Host : How'd you get in here?

  Himself - Host : Oh just you know I'm just always interested in talking to the leader of the free world. Look I am so thrilled to join you here at Carnegie Mellon University and just like all the students out there taking part in the White House Frontiers Conference you too will soon be looking for a new job isn't that interesting?

  Barack Obama : That is true

  Himself - Host : And I'm honored to help you that you asked me here to help

  Barack Obama : I didn't ask you here to help. I still don't know how you got in here

  Himself - Host : It's ok to be nervous, why don't you have a seat?

  Barack Obama : I'm already sitting

  Himself - Host : [Before leaving to change into the interviewer "Randy"]  good we're starting off very well already and I think maybe we should start with a practice interview and I've got just the man who can help you, just one second

  Himself - Host : [Returning as the character "Randy"]  Hello I'm Randy, the office manager

  Barack Obama : Hello "Randy"

  Himself - Host : Alright this is going to go very well...

  Barack Obama : [Interrupts him]  are you intending to help me "sharpen" my skills when I go in for an interview? Is that your intention here?

  Himself - Host : It's what I do for a living

  Barack Obama : Ok

  Himself - Host : We're here to find out what you're going to do for a living ok?

  Barack Obama : Alright, let's try it out

  Himself - Host : [Referring to his age]  fifty-five: tough time to start over for a man, ok I have a copy of your résumé, why don't you hand it to me like your applying for a job? Go ahead and do it

  Barack Obama : [Takes his résumé and hands it back to him] 

  Himself - Host : [Eventually looking down at his résumé, mispronouncing his last name]  that's good you're a natural. Hello Mr. "Obomer", am I pronouncing it correctly?

  Barack Obama : Close enough

  Himself - Host : Ok, I don't see any "promotions" in the last eight years. That's not always good. Can you explain that?

  Barack Obama : Honestly there wasn't any "advancement" in my last job. The only one with a more powerful position was my wife

  Himself - Host : Ok is it a twofer? Can we get both of you in by any chance?

  Barack Obama : Doubtful

  Himself - Host : Ok tell me why you're leaving? You say you're not being terminated but it sounds like you can't stay, is that true?

  Barack Obama : Well I'm leaving because it's required by the twenty-second Amendment of the United State's Constitution

  Himself - Host : Ok, a little tip: when you say staying with your job would be unconstitutional, what employers hear is that you stole office supplies so we don't have to go into the rest of that ok?

  Barack Obama : [Nods]  ok

  Himself - Host : And it doesn't say here: where were you born?

  Barack Obama : [Confused]  really?

  Himself - Host : Is this the longest form of this résumé available?

  Barack Obama : Why don't we move on?

  Himself - Host : Ok good, describe if you can the type of office you'd like to work in?

  Barack Obama : Well I was hoping for a nice "corner" office or at least an office that has "corners" in it

  Himself - Host : Can you tell me some of your accomplishments? And keep in mind it's important to describe them in such a way how it "highlights", how your experience might be relevant to a potential employer

  Barack Obama : Ok well I brokered international deals that slowed the impact of climate change and prevented Iran from acquiring a nuclear weapon

  Himself - Host : [pauses, unimpressed]  ok let's change that to proficient in Microsoft Excel, anything else?

  Barack Obama : Well I reopened relations with Cuba for the first time in fifty years

  Himself - Host : [Continues to be unimpressed]  uh huh, I'd call that one "conversational" Spanish si?

  Barack Obama : [Nods after "Randy" tests him by saying "yes" in Spanish] 

• Himself - Host : It says here let me see if I got this right, that you saved the American auto industry?

  Barack Obama : Yeah but nobody believes it. Change that to "drive stick"

  Himself - Host : Oh that's good in case you want to be a long haul trucker, ok it says here you helped tens of millions of Americans with their healthcare

  Barack Obama : You bet

  Himself - Host : [Eventually swings his right forearm from side to side]  let's test that, it hurts when I do this

  Barack Obama : Don't do that

  Himself - Host : Ok good. Do you have any awards or accommodations?

  Barack Obama : Well I have almost thirty honorary degrees and I did get the Nobel Peace Prize

  Himself - Host : Oh really? What was that for?

  Barack Obama : To be honest I still don't know

  Himself - Host : Ok good, and have you ever fired anyone?

  Barack Obama : [Referring to the mission to kill Osama Bin Laden]  no I usually let Seal Team Six handle that

  Himself - Host : Outsourcing, Ok good. Social media, very hot, do you have any experience with that? Like twitter?

  Barack Obama : Well, I have seventy-seven million followers, does that count?

  Himself - Host : That's very impressive, how'd you get so many?

  Barack Obama : Executive Order

  Himself - Host : Really?

  Barack Obama : And photos of cats

  Himself - Host : Oh, smart. These days every business wants to appeal to the millennial, do you know what millennials are?

  Barack Obama : I think so

  Himself - Host : [Emphasizing the word "how"]  how do you plan on getting their attention?

  Barack Obama : Well I tell them "straight up", that this is the most important election of their lifetimes. That they have the opportunity to make history and that the results in November could change their lives forever so they have to get out there and vote

  Himself - Host : [Suddenly looking up from his Smartphone]  I'm sorry I didn't catch any of that. Did you know there's a Snapchat filter that gives you a crown?

  Barack Obama : Of course I know that

  Himself - Host : Ok let's be honest with ourselves ok? What would you say your biggest weakness is?

  Barack Obama : Well, sometimes when I talk... I take... too... many... pauses

  Himself - Host : In three words or less: what's a common criticism of others you have in the workplace?

  Barack Obama : I cannot stand it when people reduce complex ideas into some simplistic catchphrase

  Himself - Host : We can't accept that answer

  Barack Obama : [Referring to his 2008 presidential campaign slogan]  yes we can

  Himself - Host : [while flipping through his papers]  oh ok, let's see, we're almost done. Do you have a busy schedule? Are we keeping you from something?

  Barack Obama : You are

  Himself - Host : Is there anyone we can talk to for a character reference?

  Barack Obama : I know several turkeys that owe me a favor

  Himself - Host : Alright, good to know, and how do you like to spend your time? Do you have any hobbies?

  Barack Obama : Do you know what I really love doing? Is encouraging the youth of America to get out there and vote this November so that the good work we did in the past eight years can continue on in the future

  Himself - Host : [Uninterested]  so no whittling? Or anything like that?

  Barack Obama : No

  Himself - Host : And now sir we are on a network television show I can't allow you to endorse a candidate right now but I would like to ask you about your choice of snacks, can I do that?

  Barack Obama : Sure

• Himself - Host : [Before reaching underneath the table for snacks and showing each one to him]  alright good, would you care for an extra fiber nutrient bar? which has traveled to more than one hundred countries or this shrivel tangerine, covered in Golden Retriever hair, filled with bile that I wouldn't leave alone with the woman I love.

  Barack Obama : Well I think I'll go with the fiber nutrient bar

  Himself - Host : Interesting, so "ultimately", what do you want to be?

  Barack Obama : Done with this interview?

  Himself - Host : Ok before we wrap this up, do you have any questions for me?

  Barack Obama : I'm still wondering how did you get in here

  Himself - Host : [Eventually putting on latex gloves]  that's an excellent question, inquisitive we like that. Fantastic, well that all checks out Mr. President we'd like to offer you the position of but first we have to have the mandatory company physical, just relax and put on that gown over there

  Barack Obama : [Gets up to leave]  I think we're done here