- Bob Newhart: [on being one-quarter German] I'm actually three-quarters Irish, which makes me a very meticulous drunk.
- Johnny Carson: Who was your first girlfriend?
- Ed McMahon: Lois Ryan.
- Johnny Carson: Lois Ryan?
- Ed McMahon: Yes.
- Johnny Carson: What ever happened to Lois?
- Ed McMahon: She married the, um... I think the soccer coach at Yale. You s - you met her! She was on the show - remember we searched back? And we had your first girlfriend, the grandmother? And then we had...
- Johnny Carson: Hold - hold it! Come on with that!
- Bob Newhart: I have seen shows, uh, where the monologue didn't go all that well, and... I felt a certain testiness crept into your...
- Johnny Carson: Right.
- Bob Newhart: Your attitude toward the rest of the evening. So I was kind of pulling for the monologue.
- Bob Newhart: Someone once said that more funny things are said at a cocktail party in Paris than in the entire year in Germany.
- Johnny Carson: What is the old story about the fellow who goes to Mars, and - who says the women were different, physically? Remember that joke?
- Bob Newhart: No.
- Johnny Carson: Says they were different - he says, "They look pretty much like women on Earth, except the bust - the breasts are on... on the back." And the fella says, "That's - that's re- that's really terrible." And he said, "Well, it's great for dancing."
- Anthony Quinn: [on his near-film debut at age nine] The night before - I was supposed to shoot next day - I got so stage fright, and I got a fever, and my - my cousin, uh, who was about the same size, he went and played the bear - but he was a lousy bear... And his career ended right there!
- Johnny Carson: What happens if you win Miss Universe? Are the prizes even more, uh... luxur-...
- Julie Lynne Hayek: I win the exact same prizes. I'll have two cars, two speedboats, two mink coats; uh...
- Johnny Carson: You're kidding.
- Julie Lynne Hayek: A hundred and eighty thousand in cash - and...
- Johnny Carson: You don't really have to practice dentistry, do you?