- Margo Hanson: For whatever stupid reason, you're the high king of an entire land. You have to be responsible, Eliot.
- Eliot Waugh: Since when are you, Filory Clinton?
- Quentin Coldwater: We could hunt her together.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: "Let's go hunt the White Lady"? People like me get shot for saying shit like that.
- Eliot Waugh: [about his golem] Me likey.
- Margo Hanson: You're thinking about banging yourself, aren't you?
- Eliot Waugh: Shh, shh, shh. No, no. Doing your clone is more like AP-level masturbation.
- Eliot Waugh: I'm married... to a woman.
- Javier: I have a boyfriend. but he's on another continent, so it doesn't count. And where is your wife?
- Eliot Waugh: On another planet.
- Javier: [scoffs] Definitely doesn't count.
- The White Lady: What is it, Quentin Coldwater, that you ache for? You have a crown and the power to reshape the very ether to your whim. What else could you possibly want?
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Um, technically speaking, uh, we both caught you, so-...
- Quentin Coldwater: Shut up. I'll ask for your thing with my third wish.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: No. We each get a wish, and then we have one mutually agreeable third wish.
- The White Lady: You can each have one wish, or you can fuck off.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: [to Quentin] Since I was a kid, The Beast has been whispering shit in my ear. Now that he's dead, the world's gotten a lot quieter or would be if not for you out here thinking low-self-esteem shit.
- Dean Fogg: The Beast shit in the Wellspring?
- Eliot Waugh: No. No. Ember. Ember shat in the Wellspring.
- [sighs]
- Eliot Waugh: I think he meant well. He probably didn't know how hard it would be to clean out.
- Dean Fogg: And now magic is failing on Earth because of shit, proving once again that comedy and tragedy can coexist in the same goddamn sentence.
- Quentin Coldwater: [High out of their minds] I must be an adventurer.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: [laughs] No, you're not.
- Quentin Coldwater: What? I have a bow and arrow. And a cool questing outfit. And a man servant.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: You did not just say that, white boy. Besides, what kind of servant has no fucking hands?
- Quentin Coldwater: [Picks up a necklace that's laying on the ground] Ooh, this is a girl's. What if I'm supposed to be rescuing her?
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Ooh, or what if you're a stalker?
- Todd: I heard you guys were dead. So I threw this massive rager in your honor.
- Eliot Waugh: The fact that you just called it a rager sickens me.
- Todd: Thing is, it went great, and everyone had so much fun that I kind of-...
- Eliot Waugh: Became the new me. Todd, answer truthfully. Are you wearing my vest?
- Todd: I am wearing your vest.
- Eliot Waugh: Keep it.
- [Walks away with Margo]
- Eliot Waugh: New plan: I give up on Fillory and dedicate myself completely to destroying Todd.
- Fen: Budget?
- Eliot Waugh: Citizen petitions. I want everyone to stop wanting things.
- Fen: [chuckles] Great time to ask for something?
- Eliot Waugh: Your father makes knives for a living and knows where I sleep, so... Ask away.
- Sawbones: [about Penny's hands] Those are the most accursed things I've ever smelled. They must be removed posthaste. How did they become cursed?
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Uh, some guy, this - this valet type of dude at Chatwin's Torrent.
- Sawbones: [Fearful] The River Watcher.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: You know him?
- Sawbones: I'm sorry. I-I can't help you.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Dude, just chop 'em off and give me some magic wooden shit like you did Quentin.
- Sawbones: I'm a surgeon. I can't risk the curse spreading to my own hands. The River Watcher. He's mercurial and dangerous. You erred greatly in offending him, Penny.
- [Poops]
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Did you - - Are you shitting?
- Eliot Waugh: I am ill-equipped to be a king.
- Dean Fogg: I am no better equipped to teach one. Being an adult is recognizing your responsibilities. A bunch of my students went and conquered another world.
- Eliot Waugh: [Sheepish] They more, like, gave it to us.
- Dean Fogg: Either way, it doesn't look great for me. It reeks of Earth privilege.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: You want to blame me? It was your cacodemon that killed her.
- Quentin Coldwater: That was not Alice. Alice was gone.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: So you just saved the day, huh?
- Quentin Coldwater: Could we just convalesce from our horrible injuries separately, please?
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: I think I'm - I'm getting a contact high.
- Quentin Coldwater: Yeah. Definitely starting to feel something.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: [chuckles] Flying Forest.
- Quentin Coldwater: [laughs] Oh, my God. The Chatwins were, like, ten when they came through here. They must have been blazed the entire time.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Super inappropriate.
- Heloise: There are stirrings of rebellion in the southern orchard. The outer islands refusal to pay the crown's taxes.
- Margo Hanson: You know who loves paying taxes? People with broken legs.
- Eliot Waugh: I don't belong here. I'm not ready to be a king. I wasn't done being me.
- [sighs]
- Eliot Waugh: It was so much simpler when there was just one giant evil dick trying to kill us. Now we're just
- Margo Hanson: Grown-ups.
- Professor Lipson: You haven't had any other problems with your casting?
- Dean Fogg: I've had nothing but problems. I thought it was because of my hands, but it's getting worse, not better.
- Professor Lipson: Hmm. I've had a few... brownouts, you could call them. I mean, I thought it was the Xanax, honestly.
- Dean Fogg: How many?
- Professor Lipson: Two a day if I can get them. Oh, you mean the brownouts. Four or five.
- Eliot Waugh: Why does everything smell so great?
- Margo Hanson: Because your doppel-banger hasn't met cocaine yet.
- Margo Hanson: Quentin should have left you in your little hedge hole, trading rim jobs for spells.
- Julia Wicker: You actually think because you go to this bullshit school that you're better than me.
- Margo Hanson: I think that I didn't get my friends killed.
- Julia Wicker: You don't have friends. You have people that are so afraid of you they'd rather be on your side. There's a difference.
- Margo Hanson: And you have no one. And you deserve no one.
- Julia Wicker: Look, I don't expect you to care 'cause this doesn't directly affect your hair or your social life, but since you let Reynard free, he has murdered over a dozen women, and this book might be my last shot at killing him.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Look it sucks about Alice.
- Quentin Coldwater: "Sucks"? That's the best that you can do?
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: I cared about her, too.
- Quentin Coldwater: For what, like, ten minutes, including foreplay?
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Are you mad at me because I cared too much or too little?
- Eliot Waugh: Honestly, I am in over my head. I'm not even in control of which world my body is awake in. My sexually aggressive wife could wake me up at any moment in Fillory.
- Dean Fogg: Eliot, there are certain student-teacher boundaries which I prefer not to cross.
- The White Lady: I can't nap until I've granted your wish.
- Quentin Coldwater: I'd like to be happy. Could you do that?
- The White Lady: I can do wonders. But you should know there's nothing I can give you that will soothe your Shade. There's only what I can take away.
- Quentin Coldwater: You'd take away my memories of Alice?
- The White Lady: Yes. I would free you completely.
- Quentin Coldwater: No.
- The White Lady: You are wiser than you appear.
- The White Lady: Is there nothing else you desire?
- Quentin Coldwater: Everything I've ever wanted, I've got. Magic is real and it can fix anything except what I need. I loved a girl. My entire life I've dreamed of Fillory. That I would be like Martin Chatwin. I'd find a way to stay here forever.
- [sighs]
- Quentin Coldwater: Send me home.
- Rafe: Abigail would remind you that money cannot fill the Wellspring. Without it, Fillory withers.
- Margo Hanson: Okay, well, we talked about this. When someone drops a log at a public pool, you just send a kid with a net to fish it out.
- Gillen: The befouling was substantial, Your Majesty. We've employed several filtration systems, but the Wellspring isn't recovering fast enough.
- Tick Pickwick: If there was a royal appeal to Ember himself-...
- Margo Hanson: Okay, we can't find him. He's not in his temple or his filthy sex cave.
- Julia Wicker: What Margo said about me was true. So if you want to bail, now's your chance.
- Kady Orloff-Diaz: Well, you do have questionable judgement. I mean, we're best bitches, right? For better or for worse.
- Marina Andrieski: There was a girl. 40 years ago, she banished Reynard from Earth. That's where he was until you summoned him. That's where he was until you brought him back.
- Julia Wicker: [Reading a friendship locket inscription] "Best bitches"?
- Kady Orloff-Diaz: It's the only one the Bodega had.
- Quentin Coldwater: Are you sure about this?
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Do you know how strong booze has to be to get a horse drunk? I can't feel my face much less my face. I mean hands. Just do it.
- Quentin Coldwater: Alice Quinn. Bring her back to life... Please.
- The White Lady: I can't.
- Quentin Coldwater: What do you mean you can't? You are not the only magical creature in this fucking forest.
- The White Lady: True. And we all have limits. We can give you anything. But we cannot pierce that veil.