- Dean Fogg: Fillory is very real.
- Prof. Pearl Sunderland: Ooooookay. And this is going to be on the syllabus next semester?
- Dean Fogg: We shall see.
- Professor Bigby: You'd be the one casting. Good. It would burn anyone else to a crisp. I can feel your power. It's almost...
- [Gasps]
- Professor Bigby: It's almost god-like. Did you fuck one of them? I mean, they are wonderful, aren't they? At least mine was. I glowed for weeks. No, literally.
- Alice Quinn: I actually got mine a little differently.
- Eliot Waugh: Boys, the shit.
- [Guards drop bags a fertilizer]
- Farmer: Um, Sire, I do not wish to appear ungrateful...
- Eliot Waugh: You're just going to have to trust your king on this one. Come on, lads. Many a farm to grace with our royal dung.
- Quentin Coldwater: [after getting a magical tattoo] Well, I can never get buried in a Jewish cemetery.
- Alice Quinn: Are you even Jewish?
- Quentin Coldwater: No, but options.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: If The Beast gets to the Wellspring right now and sucks it bone-dry, magic dies in Fillory. It dies there -...
- Dean Fogg: It dies here. On Earth.
- Fen: There hasn't been a truly inspiring, caring ruler since Rupert Chatwin, and that was so long ago, most barely remember.
- Eliot Waugh: Look, I'm cleaning the place up. I'm trying to get some decent wine going. What else is there?
- Fen: The people are starving.
- Eliot Waugh: Seriously?
- [Fen nods]
- Eliot Waugh: Oh, okay. We should probably get on that. And I'm guessing magic probably won't do the trick?
- Fen: Magic is the problem.
- Eliot Waugh: Fen? I have a secret. It's fairly difficult for me to confess. And it brings me nothing but waves of aching nausea, but... I grew up on a farm.
- Fen: That's your secret?
- Eliot Waugh: I spent years blocking it all out. The smell of wet hay. And the feel of an udder.The taste of fresh goat milk.
- [Retches]
- Eliot Waugh: And the worst humans in the known universe: my family. It's coming back and if it all comes back, I'm pretty sure I'll know exactly what to do.
- Fen: That's wonderful.
- Eliot Waugh: [sighs] On a planet with no Zoloft.
- Dean Fogg: This is a Cacodemon.
- Quentin Coldwater: Jesus.
- Dean Fogg: They'll grow much bigger. Unleash these and believe me, they'll keep The Beast plenty busy. Each of you will be given a special word to command your Cacodemon to attack. They're a one-shot weapon, so pick your moment with care.
- Quentin Coldwater: What are you, uh, gonna do with it?
- Dean Fogg: Lift your shirt, Quentin, and turn around.
- Margo Hanson: Oh. Those words never led to anything good. Well, almost never.
- The Beast: Life is pointless. The after-life even more so. Which is why we invent these games to fill the void of existence. Who diddled whom. Who'll get revenge for it. Who takes the throne.
- Julia Wicker: Yeah, well, that would be me, actually, and my friends.
- The Beast: Ah, well, I doubt they're your friends anymore.
- Marina Andrieski: [about Reynard] I don't give a shit about getting him.
- Julia Wicker: You should.
- Marina Andrieski: Look, I didn't summon him. I didn't get raped by him. I have no skin in this except that I want to kick your ass and kill him.
- [gestures to the Beast]
- The Beast: [singing] "Fate may often treat me meanly/ But I keenly pursue/ A little mirage in the blue..."
- Marina Andrieski: Did you scrape him off the Cabaret floor?
- Julia Wicker: Reynard is targeting Hedges.
- Marina Andrieski: Right. So the answer is to have Michael Buble kidnap me and then use me as bait?
- The Beast: You know, I'm about to make an enemy of a god who I have no quarrel with. And without decent bait, you're literally asking me to do it blindfolded, shackled, and hopping on one leg.
- [pause]
- The Beast: If... if I took just a smidgen of your Shade, not only would your trauma drop away, you'd have no issue with using Marina.You'd be free of these useless feelings and this idiotic moral quagmire.
- Julia Wicker: Come near me and the knife won't kill you. 'Cause you can still live without a dick.
- The Beast: [sighs, starts singing] "Life is very rough and tumble..."
- Julia Wicker: Or a tongue.
- The Beast: You're doomed. Which I might find amusing except it's likely to get me killed. And for what?
- Julia Wicker: Because no matter what I'm going to hold onto-...
- The Beast: If you say humanity, you will learn I can vomit nonstop for two hours.
- Eliot Waugh: We just do what we do in bed, and they do what they do. I only picked people already doing each other. And we get to watch.
- [Fen is hesitant]
- Eliot Waugh: You guys are all cool with this, right?
- [They all nod in agreement]
- Fen: You're their king. They will do as you wish, no matter how...
- Eliot Waugh: Fun.
- Fen: Debased.
- Eliot Waugh: [chuckles] Debased? Honey-love, I've been doing this shit since I was 12, except on a computer.
- Dean Fogg: This is my school. Not a safe house.
- Marina Andrieski: I was the best student you ever had here. You said that.
- Dean Fogg: I confused talent with character. You need both to be a true magician, Marina. Kicking you out wasn't a choice. I couldn't have you infecting my students then and I certainly won't now.
- Marina Andrieski: [scoffs] You fucking prick. Where am I supposed to go?
- Dean Fogg: You can keep your memories. I hope that whatever you've learned here will help keep you safe.
- Marina Andrieski: What I learned here will get me killed.
- Silicon Valley Guard: Sorry. Could you spell your last name again?
- Marina Andrieski: [Does a spell, he passes out] I would, but you're asleep.
- Quentin Coldwater: So why was Battle Magic outlawed?
- Professor Bigby: [sighs] Humans least attractive qualities. Panic and paranoia.
- Dean Fogg: And there were several student deaths that semester.
- Professor Bigby: Far fewer than the 1870s, or the 1920s, or the '60s. Another human failing; short memory.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: [Sunderland is tying ropes around his wrists] Ow!
- Prof. Pearl Sunderland: Sorry. The spell says they have to be tight.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Do they have to be behind me? I feel like I'm getting busted.
- Julia Wicker: Did you put some kind of curse on the castle?
- The Beast: Did I? It was so long ago. I hardly remember... Wait, wait, wait, yes. I believe I did work up a little welcome. Yes, since Ember made it impossible for me to retake the throne and the Children of Earth kept coming and coming, drunk on self-love and power-lust. Yes, I thought of it as a kind of royal test that no one ever passed. Sadly.