- Johnny Carson: They're raising money, Democratic Party - I think it's the third annual telethon - and, uh... were asking you to contribute, because it's a very worthy cause. They want to send one of their boys to Camp David.
- Johnny Carson: The Most Annoying Quiz Show Host goes to Monty Hall for letting a contestant go to the bathroom *only* if she could guess if it was behind Door #1, Door #2 or Door #3.
- Johnny Carson: You and Tom eat out a lot, don't you?
- Suzanne Pleshette: Every night.
- Johnny Carson: Every night? Don't you cook at all?
- Suzanne Pleshette: Not any more. No - I used to cook; I used to be a terrific cook. But, uh... my husband has an interesting palate. I mean it.
- Johnny Carson: Gourmet, you mean?
- Suzanne Pleshette: He must - no. He must have a potato with every meal, because he's Irish and he has an ethnic responsibility to drink Scotch and eat potatoes.
- Suzanne Pleshette: [on her husband's tastes] Do you know that last year, for his birthday, I seriously considered hiring a limousine, and taking him to the toilets of Los Angeles - which is his kind of food. You know, one course at Pink's...
- Johnny Carson: With just the junk food stuff?
- Suzanne Pleshette: That's it. That's what he adores. You know, Chasen's and The Bistro he tolerates for me.
- Suzanne Pleshette: I think I look elegant, but somehow it's "What's wrong with this picture? Everything." And Tommy looks like the Duke of Windsor in a seersucker robe.
- Suzanne Pleshette: What must have happened during the night - 'cause I ate on the train - is somebody obviously crept into our car and injected fat in my thighs. Because I know - carbohydrates never touch my lips. And when I tried to get in my pants the next day, it was a tribute to the strength of those threads that they didn't go Pop! Boing!
- Suzanne Pleshette: [on her husband's fear of flying] The man will drive to Hawaii if he can possibly...
- Johnny Carson: I didn't... I didn't help him - and I know him, you know, I got - 'cause we're on - I said, "You've never flown Trans Debris before."
- Suzanne Pleshette: He was praying at the Tomb of the Unknown Pilot.
- Suzanne Pleshette: [reading a poem on her husband's fear of flying] You plead and implore, citing virtues of travel / While all of his psyche you try to unravel / While you opt for places gorgeous and far / His only choices are those reached by car.
- Suzanne Pleshette: [reading a poem on her husband's fear of flying] Just keep in mind, when the wheels touch the ground / His brain will return to being quite sound / Then relax, and enjoy your fabulous day / And love him to death by night and by day / For though it's a horror to have to go through / Remember he's there 'cause it matters to you.
- Johnny Carson: Kermit - I love Kermit. Do you find...
- Kermit the Frog: Thank you! Thank you! It's a pleasure to be here - yes.
- Johnny Carson: ...Did you, uh...
- Kermit the Frog: Thank you! Hello out there!... Got a lot of pigs in the audience.
- Johnny Carson: What'd you have to eat on the plane?
- Kermit the Frog: Oh. I see, uh - they fixed me, uh, regular frog food.
- Johnny Carson: Frog food?
- Kermit the Frog: Had a cheeseburger.
- Johnny Carson: Cheeseburger.
- Kermit the Frog: Chocolate milkshake.
- Johnny Carson: Chocolate milkshake.
- Kermit the Frog: All those things that us frogs eat.
- Johnny Carson: Where are you going, Kermit, when you leave here tonight? Anyplace...
- Kermit the Frog: Oh, back to the swamp... Where do frogs live? You know, frogs live in a swamp.
- Johnny Carson: You have a home there?
- Kermit the Frog: Oh, sure.
- Johnny Carson: Yeah.
- Kermit the Frog: It's a fifth-floor walk-up.
- Kermit the Frog: Frogs don't get - really get married.
- Johnny Carson: Oh, right - they don't.
- Kermit the Frog: No... You think that's going somewhere?
- Kermit the Frog: There's not many opportunities for frogs... Not many of us get work, get jobs.
- Johnny Carson: Well, NBC is an equal frog employer.
- Kermit the Frog: Yes.
- Johnny Carson: So that, uh... comes out that well.
- Kermit the Frog: Well, I'm just a token frog, though.
- Jim Henson: [on Johnny watching Kermit in the monitor] It's a strange thing, 'cause when I'm working, I usually try to see a monitor myself - 'cause that's how we work on television.
- Johnny Carson: Yeah - you see?
- Jim Henson: And...
- Johnny Carson: What do you do when you're not...
- Jim Henson: When I'm working blind, I'm not looking at the monitor; I really don't know what he's doing too much.
- Johnny Carson: What do you do when you're not working with Jim?
- Kermit the Frog: I don't know... play a little tennis, you know.
- Bobby Kosser: [on his parents] They wanted to adopt children. But because something was wrong with my father's ear, they weren't allowed to adopt children... They had to have their own children. As a result, they always resented me for not being adopted.
- Johnny Carson: I don't know many private investigators, but you don't look like one... whatever that means.
- Hal Lipset: San Francisco doesn't - I don't look like San Francisco, either.
- Johnny Carson: Let's say the President, for example - who, uh, recorded conversations in the White House, with the kno - without the knowledge of the other powers, and including heads of states and so forth... uh, like that's your home. If I did it in my home without other people's consent, is that alright to do without their permission?
- Hal Lipset: Not in California.
- Johnny Carson: Not in California?
- Hal Lipset: In other words, if the President had done that in the state of California - unless you accept San Clemente as part of California, which there's been some discussion on...
- Johnny Carson: The President does and doesn't.