- Kai Parker: Yes, I'm in Hell. I think I'm on Heaven's wait list, but they're not returning my calls.
- Caroline Forbes: What can I do for you, Sheriff?
- Matt Donovan: I need your help.
- Caroline Forbes: Really? Even though I'm part of the darkness that's ruining Mystic Falls?
- Matt Donovan: I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, okay? We have bigger problems right now. I got three calls this morning from Mystic Falls residents wanting to report old crimes. Disappearances, cold cases. All involving Stefan. One of them even wondered if he was a vampire.
- Caroline Forbes: What?
- Matt Donovan: I've been bringing them into the station and keeping them in separate rooms, trying to keep them quiet for now.
- Caroline Forbes: How could they know those things?
- Matt Donovan: I don't know. They said these memories came back a couple days ago.
- Caroline Forbes: [realizes] Oh, my God. When... Stefan turned human... everybody he ever compelled started to remember.
- [nods]
- Kai Parker: [in pain] Oh, it feels like I'm being dragged back to Hell by my colon! I can't go back there! You're on fire all the time, and ghosts from your past come back to pull your skin off, and, occasionally, on really bad days, you go face-to-face with Cade, who is basically torture incarnate. This is all... metaphorical. Except for the fire, which is literal.
- [waitress brings napkin]
- Kai Parker: Thank you.
- Damon Salvatore: That sounds rough.
- Kai Parker: Wait, wait, didn't you go there? Didn't you work with the Devil?
- Damon Salvatore: Oh, I saw enough to convince me. But my job with the sirens was my way to escape the real deal.
- Kai Parker: Ah, the sirens. Man, were they hot?
- Damon Salvatore: Sure. If you're into cannibal divas.
- Kai Parker: I think I am.
- Damon Salvatore: But the second you stop feeding them evil people, things get ugly. Also literal.
- Kai Parker: So, wait, that's what kept them going? Evil people?
- Damon Salvatore: Mm-hmm.
- Kai Parker: Oh, yes, yes, that is it, it's so... It makes so much sense! If Hell is fueled by evil, and I'm still a little bit in Hell, then maybe I can secure my footing here on Earth by, by killing a really bad person just like those sexy sirens did.
- Damon Salvatore: Did I mention I'm trying to preserve my future with Elena by *not* killing anyone?
- Kai Parker: [laughs derisively] Damon, if you think that one more murder is gonna seal your fate, then I have news for you. You are super deep in the karma-hole.
- Damon Salvatore: I have an eternity to make up for what I've done.
- Kai Parker: [laughs, which turns into cough] Yes, and who knows how long I have left?
- Dorian Williams: How's Stefan?
- Matt Donovan: Stable. Caroline told paramedics he was shot in a hunting accident.
- Dorian Williams: And they believed her?
- [realizes she compelled them]
- Dorian Williams: Right. Of course they did.
- Dorian Williams: Be honest. What future could we have?
- Caroline Forbes: I don't know.
- [sighs]
- Caroline Forbes: I never knew. That made it exciting. Now it just feels misguided.
- Kai Parker: [head bent over the lid of the coffin holding Elena's corpse] Hi, sleepyhead. Remember me?