Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Blade (2016)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, DC Exec #1, Commercial Man #1

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : Comic book movies have had a lot of ups and downs over the years. Sometimes they're on top of the world and sometimes they were Daredevil. But when comic book films were seen at their most unpopular, one little kickass movie came along and said, "Hey, not only am I gonna be awesome, but people are gonna completely overlook me when they say Deadpool was the first R rated comic book flick."

  [Posters of Dredd, Sin City, The Crow, Kick-Ass, Watchmen and 300 pop up] 

  Nostalgia Critic : How do you sleep at night, Internet? How do you sleep at night?

• Nostalgia Critic : We open up with Blade's birth, seeing his mother slowly bleed to death. Always a pleasant start.

• Nostalgia Critic : The credits roll as you can tell already this movie has a bad case of the 90s simply by its sped up footage. It was a simpler time when we were so blown away by the fast forward button.

• Nostalgia Critic : They enter a club playing music that sounds like your Atari's trying to throw a rave, when we come across an effect better than speeding up the footage: speeding up the footage with a white flash.

  [Several shots of Mercury are shown along with those white flashes] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Whoa! Our '90s minds can't handle this! You're blowing us away with what we hit our computers for doing today!

• [During the blood shower scene at the club] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I guess this is supposed to be scary, but nowadays, you'd probably just see this at any goth club.

  Nostalgia Critic : [VO as Goth clubgoer]  Dude, the blood is supposed to rain at 4. Right now, you're supposed to be dangling the rubber gimps.

• [Blade walks into the nightclub] 

  Nostalgia Critic : The vampires try their hardest to wiggle their fingers at him but it doesn't work as he partakes in some pretty kickass fight scenes here.

• [One vampire screams and twirls swords around, only to end up getting shot down by Blade] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, yeah. Gun. That usually wins over swinging hooks.

• [Blade shoots a stake out to pin Quinn's right shoulder to the wall] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [VO as Blade]  There, I give you footage for like 50 trailers.

• [Blade fist pumps] 

  Nostalgia Critic : You know, for a character that's badass, that was a pretty dorky move. You now join the ranks that Kevin McAllister, Data and that weird baby meme have made timelessly awkward. I'm just going to assume you haven't seen the past 20 years of white media.

• [Blade appears at the hospital to kill Quinn] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, This brings up a continuing question about the film. Blade several times is given opportunities to kill off this character Quinn, but he doesn't, resulting in tons of people either getting killed or maimed. Like over and over and over. Why does he have such a hard time killing this guy off?

  [NC is writing into a diary with Blade's sunglasses on] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [VO as Blade]  Dear Diary, I almost killed Quinn off this time. But when I looked into his dreamy eyes, I knew - I was a Quinn girl forever.

• Nostalgia Critic : Blade is about to let the doctor die when his damned Oedipus complex kicks in, reminding him of his dying mother and he takes her to his hideout.

• [Whistler injects garlic into Karen's neck, making her body arch out in pain] 

  Whistler (Kris Kristofferson) : Hold her.

  [Blade gently places his hand on Karen's stomach] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Thanks, that'll help a lot. I'll call you when an earthworm needs restraining.

• Nostalgia Critic : We're introduced to our Shadowy Room of Evil Business Suits because... Marvel will always love this cliche.

  [Clip of the World Security Council from The Avengers is shown] 

• Nostalgia Critic : They bring in their evilest vampire who can never get a shirt that fits, Deacon Frost, played by Stephen Dorff. This guy's a lot of fun. Just imagine all of Edward Norton's 'nyeh' faces had a son and he only listened to Prodigy.

• Deacon Frost (Stephen Dorff) : Gitano, you may wake up one day and find yourself extinct.

  Nostalgia Critic : [VO as a council vampire]  Really? We're just gonna let him get away with that? You know, for a guy who does things we don't like, we sure do let him do things that we don't like.

• [Whistler injects blood into Blade's neck, then holds onto him while he suffers through it] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, he just read the script to Blade: Trinity. I'd be holding his hand, too.

• [Dragonetti slaps him hard across the face] 

  Dragonetti (Udo Kier) : What are you up to, Frost?

  Nostalgia Critic : Tell me or next time I'll actually hit you.

  [the scene is slowed down to show Dragonetti's hand doesn't even hit Frost's face] 

• Krieger (Kevin Patrick Walls) : Police officer, I didn't mean to scare you. The front door was open.

  Karen (N'Bushe Wright) : What are you doing in here?

  Krieger (Kevin Patrick Walls) : I'm just here on a routine check.

  Nostalgia Critic : [VO as Krieger]  I heard you were black, so... you're under arrest for something.

• Nostalgia Critic : I think Blade's whole goal in this movie is to leave at bad times and then come back just before things get worse.

• [Blade smacks Krieger's head onto the car, on a busy street in broad daylight] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Um, does nobody care that a guy with a sword is slamming a cop's head into a car? I mean, never forget NWA...

  [Picture of "Fuck the Police" is shown] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ...but I think at least someone would at least raise an "Um..."

• Blade (Wesley Snipes) : Vampire Anatomy 101: Crosses and running water don't do dick, so forget what you've seen in the movies. You use a stake, silver or sunlight.

  Nostalgia Critic : [VO as Blade]  Yeah, forget all that stuff you've seen in the movies.

  [Points to pictures of a cross and holy water] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Concentrate on *this* stuff, like in the movies.

  [Points to pictures of the sun, a wooden stake and a silver bullet] 

• Nostalgia Critic : The vampires sit around partying... watching Mortal Kombat...

  [an arrow points to the TV showing the said movie] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, you vampires are gonna find a lot of blood in that movie.

• [Frost bites into Krieger's neck and drinks his blood] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [VO as Krieger]  Um, am I fired or is this a promotion? As a guy who wants to be a vampire, I genuinely don't know.

• [the camera cuts to a bat figurine] 

  Nostalgia Critic : In case you forgot, that bat means that they're *vampires*.

  [Beat] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Symbolism.

• Whistler (Kris Kristofferson) : Catch you fuckers at a bad time?

  Nostalgia Critic : As long as you don't have a copy of A STAR IS BORN, then no.

• Nostalgia Critic : They escape into the subway that just happens to be connected to the vampire archives... odd design work.

• Whistler (Kris Kristofferson) : He can withstand garlic, silver, even sunlight.

  Nostalgia Critic : [VO as Whistler]  He also obtained an aversion to taxes as well.

• Whistler (Kris Kristofferson) : You don't look so good.

  Nostalgia Critic : [VO as Whistler]  I mean, the studio won't let you look bad, so this is what we count as *not good*.

• Nostalgia Critic : So, wait a minute... if you have enough sunblock, the day doesn't bother you? 'Cause if so, being a vampire is literally a day at the beach!

• [the girl is tossed across the park by Frost through a hot dog cart into the street] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Dead!

  [Blade rescues the girl just before she gets hit by a bus, yet the girl's perfectly okay] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, I mean, uh, no scratch on her whatsoever. She must be wearing a lot of sunblock, too.

• [Pointing to one of the people on the street] 

  Nostalgia Critic : What the hell do you think this guy is talking about?

  Nostalgia Critic : [VO as man]  I mean, I know we just saw a man fly into the street, save a kid and we're all just going to ignore it. But let me tell you about this cop who got his head smashed into a car that I ignored!

• Nostalgia Critic : Karen discovers a cure for turning into a vampire off-screen. Yeah, they're surprisingly kinda laid back about it. But Frost also discovers Blade's hideout off-screen... you know, it's good to show and don't tell but when you don't do neither, you have neither.

• [Karen aims for one of the vampires, only hitting the rails instead of the vampire] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Stop aiming at the rails and maybe you'll hit something!

• [Blade is trying to clean up Whistler's blood with a cotton swab] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Uh, yeah, that'll help him big time. I can see why you brought a doctor into your home.

• [On Whistler's death scene] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [VO as Whistler]  I'm gonna last long enough to be brought back in the sequel just to die again in another sequel. It's a well planned out future that lies ahead for me.

• Nostalgia Critic : [VO as Frost]  Man, this Blade guy is ruining my plans and destroying my operation!

  Nostalgia Critic : [VO as Vanessa]  Honey, what are you doing?

  Nostalgia Critic : [VO as Frost]  Oh, not now, mother of my enemy who he doesn't know is still alive and on my side. I have to figure out a way to get rid of Blade!

  [Beat] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Wait a minute...

  [Has an epiphany] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I LOVE OREOS!

• Nostalgia Critic : After capturing him, Karen reveals a secret about the cure she's created.

  Karen (N'Bushe Wright) : If it works, you'll lose your strength and your ability to regenerate. You'll be completely human.

  Nostalgia Critic : Huh. So the *cure* is totally freaking useless.

• Nostalgia Critic : So, here's the setup. Frost needs to lay out 12 of the Vampire Council in this ancient temple with Blade's blood combining with them this one night because through comic book mumbo jumbo, it'll make him a vampire god. Silly, but whatever. Sounds kinda fun, there's possibilities with it. The downside is, where it took me only a few seconds to say all that, it takes the movie *ten minutes* to do it. Yeah. They just kinda sit around, talk, laugh, talk, talk and laugh, laugh and talk. All I wanna see is the action, but it takes for-friggin-ever with detours.

• [after the vampire council member is killed] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, I guess he wasn't needed for the ceremony. What, did they just bring him along because he looks like William Fichtner? Because to be fair, every movie needs more William Fichtner.

• [Council members' bodies are destroyed and their goofy-looking souls fly out] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Of course! All vampire skeletons have tiny skeletons inside of them just trying to get out. With wings!

• Nostalgia Critic : Blade does Freud proud by penetrating his mother with a long, hard bone.

• [Blade takes out some silver wire and slices Quinn's head off as he charges. It launches Blade's sunglasses into the air which he catches] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [VO as Blade]  Well, doesn't matter what I do now. I am never topping that throughout the rest of the film.

• [Commenting on the vampires attacking Blade with conventional weapons instead of anti-vampire weaponry] 

  Nostalgia Critic : You guys really thought you'd be gods? You're using *wood*. Unless it's the aliens from Signs, it's not gonna do much.

• Blade (Wesley Snipes) : Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice skate uphill.

  Nostalgia Critic : That is a really weird note to go out on. To this day, I can't figure out if that was really clever or one of the dumbest lines ever said by a comic book character. What do you think the other variations were?

  [And now some variations] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Some mothertruckers are always trying to put diesel in their SUVs.

  Nostalgia Critic : Some peanut M&Ms are always trying to melt in your hand but not in your mouth.

  Nostalgia Critic : Some sushi patrons are always trying to mix their soy sauce with wasabi.

  Nostalgia Critic : Some fast food lovers are always ordering Little Caesars without the crazy bread.

  Nostalgia Critic : Some vacationers are always trying to go to Disney World at peak times when it's obvious that mid-November through mid-December is the best time to go. I mean, seriously. Just bring a sweater and you'll be fine. And don't forget to take advantage of those hotel villages with free shuttle bus service. Full price for their monorail access resorts? I don't think so, Mouse!

• [On Frost's destruction] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Huh. So, I guess, he can't put himself together after that. Being a god just means being slightly less destructible than you already were. Good to know that the ancient gods of old can't compete with head blow-y up science.

• [Over the ending] 

  Nostalgia Critic : So we all know the drill. Blade and Karen kiss in a romantic embrace, even though they have very little in common.

  Karen (N'Bushe Wright) : I need to get back to the lab.

  Blade (Wesley Snipes) : It's not over. There's still a war going on, and I have a job to do.

  Nostalgia Critic : Uh, I don't think you know how this works. He's a dude, you're a chick. You have to end up together, even if you have no chemistry at all. It's like a law.

  Blade (Wesley Snipes) : You want to help? Make me a better serum.

  Nostalgia Critic : Wow, really? They don't get together? There is such a thing as a man and a woman working together in an action film and they don't have to hook up? Quickly, Tumblr! Rewrite this ending so that not only do they get together, but they have 20 children, all with different sexual identities. If 20 sexual identities don't exist, make them up! You're good at that.

• [Summation] 

  Nostalgia Critic : And that was Blade, an overlooked comic book staple, and... to be honest, still pretty damn cool.

  [Footage of the movie plays once more as NC gets to his final thought] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Okay, the writing's not always good and there's a lot of 90s cheese, but there's just a style and creativity to it that still makes it really enjoyable. It's not too mopey that it can't be fun, but it's not too silly that it can't be serious. It's visually awesome, its characters are entertaining and the action is still impressive and gets you sucked in. It got people saying comic book movies could be cool at a time when they were being seen as box office Pearl Harbors. This is one of the films that helped get movies like Dark Knight and Iron Man into the spotlight again. So if you want something that rarely makes sense but is still a pretty rocking good time, this is definitely one to take a look at.

• [Last lines] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and some Fruit by the Foots are always a few inches short.