Special Unit (2017)

Christopher Titus: Garrett Fowler

Quotes 

• Garrett Fowler : [leaving Tara's office]  I want you to know something. The man I have become is 100% due to the fact that you were a glacier in the bedroom. Your icy vagina ruined me. I had to name my penis Titanic. Wow, look at that. I insulted you and complimented myself.

• Garrett Fowler : [with Morgan in the bathroom]  Hey, hey, make it look like you're pissing, not jerking off.

• Garrett Fowler : [seeing a group of thugs]  Whoo. They grew these boys in the lab.

  Todd Parker : Steroids?

  Garrett Fowler : I don't know. I'd have to feel their nut sacks.

  Todd Parker : Yeah. What?

  Garrett Fowler : Yeah, 'roids. Turns your testiculars into tiny packing peanuts.

  Todd Parker : Why do you know that?

  Garrett Fowler : [thinking for a moment]  There's no good answer.

  Todd Parker : You know, forget I asked.

  Garrett Fowler : Okay.

• Garrett Fowler : Welcome to Los Angeles. We're here to help you.

  Moses : Yeah, and why should I trust you?

  Garrett Fowler : Well, you shouldn't 'cause we're criminals, but I want you to know, just trust that you can trust us.

  Moses : I never trust trusting people. I'm not a truster.

  Garrett Fowler : Well, this guy could write greeting cards.

• Todd Parker : Now that we're all nice and snugly, are we gonna do this?

  Garrett Fowler : Yeah, he's right. Let's get to business.

  Moses : Deal's off.

  Garrett Fowler : Because of a couple of mild insults? My god, we got a drug dealer with a self-esteem problem.

  Todd Parker : If you want, we can pay you in hugs.

• Captain Wynn : Next time, warn a guy if you're gonna kick him in the backup stairs.

  Garrett Fowler : Sorry, Captain, I was trying to not blow cover like dumbass here. How is he?

  Todd Parker : How is he? He's shot, you piece of shit!

• Garrett Fowler : Let's talk about the master undercover officer in front of us. You suck so bad, they had a folder on you. They had your e-mail. They had your prostate measurements, which you should probably check again while your head is still up your ass. They had your address. They had your phone number. They had your ex-girlfriend's sexual preference, and you know what, it ain't you. I saved your life tonight. You're lucky that I shot you in the leg and the vest instead of the head.

• Captain Wynn : I can't do this anymore.

  Garrett Fowler : Well, then find me a decent partner.

  Captain Wynn : Well, that's a tall order, Fowler, because you're a violent, arrogant douchebag that thinks about nothing but himself.

  Garrett Fowler : I like puppies.

  Captain Wynn : There's no one left. If I put you in parking enforcement, you'd get shot by a meter maid.

  Garrett Fowler : That baby wasn't mine.

  Captain Wynn : What?

  Garrett Fowler : She slept with anybody who had a nice car.

  Captain Wynn : You got a meter maid pregnant?

  Garrett Fowler : You didn't know that.

• Garrett Fowler : Sir, what about my car? It's 35 grand.

  [sound of Wynn laughing] 

  Garrett Fowler : Sir, am I on the precinct's insurance or not?

  [more laughter] 

  Garrett Fowler : I'm gonna need something from you guys!

  Captain Wynn : Go fuck yourself, Fowler.

• Tara Small : Garrett, Garrett.

  Garrett Fowler : Well, how's it going, sexy?

  Margie : It's Madam Mayor.

  Garrett Fowler : Madam Mayor Sexy. Well, that's kind of cocky, don't you think?

• Tara Small : I heard you lost another partner.

  Garrett Fowler : I didn't lose him, I shot him. Do you keep track of all your ex-boyfriends?

  Tara Small : Mm-mm, just your ex-boyfriends. See, I have to keep track of the worst cop so I can take out the trash.

  Garrett Fowler : Tara, we were ten years ago. You gotta let go of this anger, 'cause it's making your boobs droop.

• Captain Wynn : I just smashed a Pincocchio! Do you know how hard it is to get an actual, authentic, mini ceramic kiln-fired in the fucking Netherlands Pinocchio?

  Garrett Fowler : Yes, sir, it's why I started drinking.

  Captain Wynn : You see, my therapist... my therapist suggested that I started to collect figurines to-to help me with my stress. But it made me nuts. So you know what I do now? I throw 'em, because I feel better when I see their little heads crack open!

  Garrett Fowler : Well, we are all glad you're in charge, sir.

• Captain Wynn : As per the mayor, that's your new job.

  Garrett Fowler : [opening a folder, he starts laughing]  Fairness and Disabilities Act. Handicapped cadets.

  [laughing harder] 

  Garrett Fowler : Handicapped police offiers.

  [he continues laughing until he sees Wynn is serious] 

  Garrett Fowler : Come on! Are you kidding me? We, the LAPD, are gonna give wobblies guns?

• Garrett Fowler : I'm not doing this. I will not wipe drool and spend three hours a day explaining ceiling fans.

  Captain Wynn : You *are* gonna do this! Or am I gonna put you in a parking lot, chasing skateboarders from a fucking golf cart!

  Garrett Fowler : So I'm boned.

  Captain Wynn : Like a skeleton getting a lap dance.

• Captain Wynn : You look liked fried ass.

  Garrett Fowler : Yeah, because of this, I was up all night flirting with suicide.

  Captain Wynn : Flirting? You gotta follow through.

• Captain Wynn : All right, come on, you ready for this?

  Garrett Fowler : You know what, sir? Yeah, I'm ready for this. Sure, you know why? 'Cause I was born ready.

  [seeing the group of waiting cadets] 

  Garrett Fowler : Holy shit.

  Captain Wynn : Make good choices.

• Captain Wynn : We got four yet?

  Garrett Fowler : Three. And if that is the cream of God's genetic misfires, then God is a vengeful prick. Really Old Testament.

• Captain Wynn : You, come in tomorrow sober enough to fight Rain Man.

  Garrett Fowler : You think he could count cards?

  Captain Wynn : Ah, you're a scumbag.

• Garrett Fowler : [drunkenly calling Tara]  Hey, Madam Mayor Sexy.

  Tara Small : What do you want, Fowler?

  Garrett Fowler : What I have always wanted. You.

  Tara Small : That is so sweet. You're still in charge of the special little soldiers.

  Garrett Fowler : Oh, come on, retards? Tara, you gave me retards!

  Tara Small : They like the term "disabled", so use it. And Fowler, make this work. Get me good press. Or you'll end up painting houses in Sylmar.

  Garrett Fowler : I hate you.

  Tara Small : Well, then this worked like it was supposed to. Good night.

• Garrett Fowler : Seriously, Tara? Mongoloids?

  Tara Small : My mother's second husband was from Mongolia.

  Garrett Fowler : Exactly, retards.

• Tara Small : Listen, I have an election coming up, so if this doesn't work and one of them gets hurt, it's your fault. And the mayor will have to do her job and crucify a bad cop, so it's, uh... it's like a win-win.

  Garrett Fowler : No, for it to be a win-win, I also have to win.

  Tara Small : No, I win twice.

• Garrett Fowler : Do anything else to get even with me, not this.

  Margie : This is so uncomfortable for me.

  Tara Small : Yeah, well, I think I'm gonna puke. My feelings for you, Fowler, have been dead and buried for some time.

  Garrett Fowler : I can fix that. Let's have sex one more time.

  Margie : Oh, my god!

  Tara Small : I replaced you with batteries.

  Margie : Ouch!

  Garrett Fowler : Go away.

• Garrett Fowler : We were in love once. Isn't that something?

  Tara Small : Yeah, until you were inside someone covered with glitter. We are done, you get that? I was the best thing that ever happened to you.

  Garrett Fowler : Let's don't get crazy.

  Tara Small : The best thing that ever happened to you!

  Garrett Fowler : Okay, get crazy.

• Garrett Fowler : How the hell did you get into my bank?

  Mac : Oh, it wasn't hard. Password, 2QUILA. All caps.

  Garrett Fowler : How'd you get that?

  Mac : Logic, due dilligence, and you wrote it on a Post-It note stuck to your computer.

  Sophie : What kind of dumbass leaves records for his criminal activity in his office?

  Garrett Fowler : Just got the car. I just kinda threw it in, you know? I didn't really even...

  [looking through the file] 

  Garrett Fowler : Wow, you guys really did organize this.

  Alvin : Chronologically and by how much jail time you'll do.

• Tara Small : I want them in front of the camera talking about how great this department is.

  Garrett Fowler : Hell, no. They're about to be undercover detectives. We can't put their pictures on television. That would be... that would be retarded.

  Captain Wynn : He's got a point, Mayor. We can't do it.

  Tara Small : If you were mayor, you'd do it.

  Captain Wynn : You're right, I'd do it.

  Garrett Fowler : We can't do it!

  Tara Small : I want those little spazzies in the press room in five, or I will set you both on fire!

• Garrett Fowler : I had it all, man. I had the golden boobs and I blew it.

  Tara Small : Goose. Golden goose.

  Garrett Fowler : What'd I say?

  Tara Small : Boobs.

  Garrett Fowler : That, too.

• Tara Small : What kind of dumbass keeps records of his criminal activity?

  Garrett Fowler : The little heroes put it together. And I still have an out. I would just say I was long-term deep undercover, and then when the records came out, that would just be...

  Tara Small , Garrett Fowler : Reasonable doubt.

  Garrett Fowler : There's my little prosecutor.

• Tara Small : Burn this.

  Garrett Fowler : No, I'm coming clean.

  Tara Small : Do you have any idea what I had to do to become mayor of Van Nuys? Well, some of it involves my boobs.

  [another couple dining turn to look at them] 

  Tara Small : [awkwardly]  Hi.

• Moses : You're undercover and you actually wear a Van Nuys PD t-shirt?

  Garrett Fowler : All my white ones got puke on them.

  Moses : You protect these guys? You give them information, but you try and bust me?

  Garrett Fowler : I still have to be a cop, right? Someone has to go down. You're the new guy, you get the winning lottery ticket.

  Julio : And now you think you're not gonna help us anymore, ese? No more protection from Detective Garrett Fowler?

  [amused snicker] 

  Julio : No way. We own you, holmes.

  Garrett Fowler : Julio, with your credit rating, you really can't own anything.