- Various: In Man's early days on Earth, there were no real laws. People were usually told what to do by the toughest guy with the biggest club.
- Caveman: [raising a huge club] Bring me some food or I'll club ya!
- [crowd squeals and pantomimes giving all their food hurriedly to Dominic, who laughs and pantomimes eating all their food]
- Various: This came to be known as The Diner's Club. As civilization progressed, the leader became known as the king, but still he usually was the toughest guy with the biggest club.
- [Mark and Seymour step forward before Dominic]
- Caveman: Give me money or I'll club ya!
- Various: I refuse.
- Various: So do I.
- [Dominic clubs them and they fall unconscious]
- Various: In those days, the king of clubs beat two of a kind.
- Various: Why don't you have a talk with your dad?
- Jeff Anykid: Oh, okay, but how do I get home?
- Various: Traveling music.
- Jeff Anykid: Oh.
- Roundhouse Band: Guitar: Where to, man?
- Jeff Anykid: Uh, 311 Any Street.
- Roundhouse Band: Guitar: Got it.
- [Marty plays a blistering guitar solo as he leads David across the stage to "Dad"]
- Jeff Anykid: Yeah. Thanks, dude.
- Various: This boy has just passed through an invisible doorway into an imaginary world that could hold him captive and incapable of making any headway in life. He has just stepped into the world of - What-what-what if-if-if...
- Various: What if your dog could pick out his own food?
- Dog: Hi. I'm your dog, and I'm here to tell ya about new Kitties and Bits from Purina, the only dog food made with real chunks of cat. Kitties and Bits features flavors like calico cutlets, Siamese surprise and Himalayan Hairs, but for that real special treat, just add a cup of toilet water to make thick, juicy gravy. Kitties has no fillin's and no hairballs, just tasty tidbits of tabby in every bite. Kitties and Bits, 'cause when it comes to cat meat - it's in there. Ruff!
- Reporter 1: [seeking scandal] Is it true that you partnered with Jordana Bartlett for CPR training in health class a while ago instead of with Hillary Grayson?
- Jeff Anykid: Well, yes. Hillary and I have already dealt with that issue. There's nothing between Jordana and myself.
- Reporter 2: But didn't Jordana have to practice mouth to mouth on you?
- Jeff Anykid: Well, yes, that's true.
- [the reporters all gasp]
- Jeff Anykid: But I didn't inhale!
- Reporter 1: Jeff says Jordana sucks face with him but he did not suck back. Film at eleven.
- Reporter 2: Candidate's lips are sealed to a woman other than his girlfriend. Film at eleven.
- Principal Duff: [wearing a speaker over his head] Good morning, students. This is your speaker, Principal Duff. This is a reminder: school elections are next Tuesday, so all students wishing to run for president please have your financial statements and urine specimens available for the members of the press.