- Jury Foreman: We the jury find the defendant entertaining, vulgar, enriching, crass, violent, intelligent, boring, wonderful, deviant, and remarkable, and we award the average family with a remote control to judge for themselves.
- Prosecutor: Do you recall where that television was at on the night of any night of this year?
- Dad: That would be in the living room.
- Prosecutor: Oh. Not in the bedroom?
- Dad: That's a 30" set with stereo surround sound! You think I'm gonna waste it in a bedroom?
- Mom: Sweetheart, what're you having for breakfast?
- Dad: Stuff It Honey!
- Mom: What?
- Dad: Stuff It Honey!
- Mom: Wait a minute. What did you say to me?
- Dad: I'm eatin' Stuff It Honey.
- Mom: Excuse me, but you will NOT talk to me that way.
- Dad: Oh, no. Sweetheart, it's the name of the cereal.
- Mom: Wha...? Oh, I see.
- [they laugh together]
- Mark David, Natalie Nucci: [singing in unison] Stuff It Honeeeey.
- Dad: Now, how 'bout some milk, fish face?
- Mark David: And some saw the tube and said that it was good. And some saw the tube and said that it suckéd eggs. And Mom saw the tube and said...
- Mom: Not until you finish your homework, buster.
- [first lines]
- John Crane: Long ago at a time nobody remembers... Well, actually some people still around today were around then, but then those people tend not to remember so well. Anyway, quite some time ago, there was a time when families just sat around and stared at a blank space on the living room floor.
- [cast all stare at the floor]
- John Crane: Then somebody had an idea.
- Ivan Dudynsky: I have an idea! I'll create a new form of entertainment people can watch in their own homes. It'll be amusing, informative, and profitable. And, it'll really kick butt during the November sweeps in all of the major markets because, let's face it, there's nothing else on. I'll create TV!
- Trailer Announcer: Touchphone Pictures presents Nick Nolte, Mike the Dog, and the students of West Beverly High in "Down and Out in Beverly Hills 90210." It's a story of compassion.
- Old Bum: Brother, could you spare a dime?
- Student 1: Are you kidding? My gold card is maxed out and I may even have to get a job this summer.
- Trailer Announcer: Sensitivity.
- Old Bum: How 'bout it, miss? Spare a little change for a sandwich.
- [pulls up shirt to display sucked in stomach]
- Student 2: Oh, I'm sorry. I never carry anything smaller than a twenty. What's a sandwich?
- Trailer Announcer: And a young man's quest to find himself.
- Old Bum: Dylan, share your pain with me. I can help. I'm a wise old bum.
- Dylan: Pain? What do you know about pain? I just lost a sideburn in a terrible shaving accident.
- Trailer Announcer: Down and Out in Beverly Hills 90210. This time, it's trivial. 90210 will be right back with more self-absorbed, upper crust whining right after these messages.