Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Dragon's Lair (2015)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Randy 'Macho Man' Savage

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : [grudgingly playing Dragon's Lair]  Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. This is my punishment for making fun of Don Bluth. I have to play Dragon's Lair. It doesn't sound that bad, but have you actually played Dragon's Lair? Of course not! Nobody has! You just watched it like everyone else did and waited for that eccentric millionaire to come in, blow all his money and figure out what moves you're supposed to do. Okay, here's the thing: the game really is innovative and beautiful. Nothing had ever been done like it before. BUT IT'S FREAKIN' HARD! Imagine "Legend of Zelda 2," "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" and "Silver Surfer" blindfolded. That, is only the training to how hard this game is!

  Don Bluth : Is someone regretting not talking about how awesome I am?

  Nostalgia Critic : [showing a copy of The Simpsons: Bart's Nightmare]  You do know the last time I did anything game related, it totally blew up in my face, right?

  Don Bluth : Yep.

  Nostalgia Critic : [grumbling]  I really hate you right now.

  Don Bluth : Hey, do I need to do a death glare again?

  Nostalgia Critic : You know what? Try me! I bet I've gotten used to it by now.

  [Bluth glares again, scaring the Critic] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Doooooh! You're like that shaming disapproval of every morbid grandparent!

  Don Bluth : Less talking, more reviewing.

• [in the game, Dirk comes across a bottle labeled "Drink Me"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, another glowy thing.

  [Dirk drinks the contents of the bottle, only to suddenly crumble into a pile of dust] 

  Nostalgia Critic : OOOOOOHHHH! It said, "DRINK ME!" The goddamn game gave me an instruction, and it lied to me! I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO DRINK IT EVEN THOUGH IT SAID DRINK IT! WHO'S RUNNING THIS GODDAMN PLACE, GLaDOS?

  [a message appears briefly saying, "The drink is a lie"] 

• Don Bluth : And now, the Nostalgia Critic's Top 11 Death Scenes.

  Nostalgia Critic : I'm not giving you the pleasure!

  Don Bluth : Number 11...

  [Dirk gets captured by tentacles from the ceiling] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Ugh!

  Don Bluth : Number 10...

  [Dirk and the elevator are smashed against the floor of the shaft] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Christ!

  Don Bluth : Number 9...

  [Dirk is devoured by the potion monster in the Cauldron Pot room] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Gonna make it this time!

  Don Bluth : Number 8...

  [Dirk is catapulted through the wall by the giant spinning batons] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I almost had that!

  Don Bluth : Number 7...

  [Dirk is impaled by a flying sword in the Smithy's room] 

  Nostalgia Critic : You dirty little...!

  Don Bluth : Number 6...

  [Dirk is incinerated by the lava geyser on the bridge] 

  Nostalgia Critic : You're not funny, you know!

  Don Bluth : Number 5...

  Nostalgia Critic : I don't even...

  [Dirk is dashed against a wall in the "Ye Boulders" section of the rapids and whirlpools area] 

  Nostalgia Critic : HEY!...

  Don Bluth : Number 4...

  [Dirk is electrocuted by the checkerboard floor] 

  Nostalgia Critic : My pain will not sustain you!

  Don Bluth : Number 3...

  [Dirk gets engulfed by flames in the "Drink Me" room] 

  Nostalgia Critic : What even happened?

  Don Bluth : Number 2...

  [Dirk is struck down by the Phantom Knight, who ends up with Dirk's helmet on the end of his sword] 

  Nostalgia Critic : D'ooohhhhh!

  Don Bluth : And the Number 1 Nostalgia Critic death...

  Nostalgia Critic : Will NOT be taking place, 'cause I just got to the final level!

  Don Bluth : Ah, don't worry, I'll save it for a special moment.

• Don Bluth : [the Critic keeps losing the game]  Whoa, you're really bad at this.

  Nostalgia Critic : [angrily]  YA THINK?

  Don Bluth : I could usually win this in ten minutes.

  Nostalgia Critic : That's because you made this, schmuck!

• [in the game, Dirk comes across a glowing blue diamond and tries to grab it, only to fall to his death] 

  Nostalgia Critic : What? Wait a minute! It was a glowy thing! How am I supposed to not go after a glowy thing in a game? It's a glowy thing! It's like telling a dog not to go after a bone! It's freakin' nature!

• [in the game, Dirk comes across a room with a wall closing him off; the door behind it glows] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Glowy thing.

  [hesitantly] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... Yes?

  [Dirk successfully jumps through the closing wall to the other side] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Ha-ha!

• [in the game, a chain glows and Dirk grabs it, but it opens up a water gate, releasing a torrent of water that washes him away] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Wha... ha... That was two glowy things! You just got in my head not to even go after one glowy thing, and then you give me fucking two? That's like telling me not to go after a cupcake, and then you give me two cupcakes, and then you smack me in the face for not going after the two cupcakes! WHAT DO YOU WANT? In the depths of your ignorance, what do you want?

• Nostalgia Critic : [playing the second Dragon's Lair game]  At first, it looks like you're just following them through time as you drop by the prehistoric age, ancient Egypt, and even the Garden of Eden. But then it gets really weird by traveling to a giant Beethoven in a flying piano and even Wonderland. Yeah, like "Alice In Wonderland". It makes no freakin' sense, but it looks amazing.

  [in the game, Dirk is pursued by the Cheshire Cat, who recites the "Jabberwocky" poem while chasing him] 

  Nostalgia Critic : This is some of the most imaginative imagery you will ever see in a game. Don, what the hell were you smoking to come up with these weird-ass ideas?

  Don Bluth : You know, "Dragon's Lair II" was really fun for me because we didn't have to stay in the same time zone and we didn't have to stay in the same location. So, you know, it just triggers the imagination that you can go into any place that you can imagine. With animation, anything is possible.

• Don Bluth : So the entire game, which is about twenty minutes' worth of animation, is a threat, a resolve, a threat, a resolve. The fun of the game was showing how many funny ways a person can die and still resurrect.

  [over this last sentence, we see a montage of Dirk being engulfed and crushed to death by the Tentacles from the Ceiling, Dirk crashing into a tower during the Flying Barding sequence and being crushed between the top and bottom thirds, and Dirk being overpowered by the Mudmen, one of whom ends up wearing his helmet] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I do have to say, one of my favorite things is hearing Dirk's wide variety of cowardly screams.

  [another montage is shown, this one of Dirk screaming as he meets his several dooms] 

  Don Bluth : They're heard more often when you play.

  Nostalgia Critic : SHUT UP! Actually, I wouldn't be shocked if Bruce Campbell was inspired by some of Dirk's cries.

• Nostalgia Critic : If you don't know, "Dragon's Lair" came out as an arcade game in the 1980s. The story was what every story was for a game in the '80s: guy saves chick. But to be fair, this one did have a sense of humor, as both the hero AND the damsel seemed playfully airheadish.