- Heather Davis: As John Paul Sartre said, we are our choices, and this woman's choices are nuts - I mean she's seriously bonker-balls!
- Professor: Heather, we don't use terms like that in Abnormal Psychology.
- Heather Davis: I'm sorry, "bonker-balls" isn't is in the DSM-5 yet?
- [Rebecca's mother calls]
- Rebecca Bunch: This is the fifth time she's called today, I really should pick this up.
- Paula Proctor: You know what? You should not pick this up, cuz the last thing you need right now is a conversation with a pathological narcissist!
- Rebecca Bunch: Okay, you don't know her, and if I don't answer she's gonna keep calling me. She's like a stalker I used to live inside of.
- Heather Davis: How are you? And feel free to use specific words like "despondent" or "hopeless," or on a scale from one-to-ten, rate your suicidal thoughts.
- Greg Serrano: A dude just left your apartment! You took some guy home from our date and slept with him? What is wrong with you? I don't understand!
- Rebecca Bunch: No, see that's it, you don't understand. Like, I'm not... I'm not an adult! Like, what we were doing back at the taco festival, like being like all adulty, that's just not me! Okay? Like, I take advice from butter commercials!
- Rebecca Bunch: I've decided to eat my feelings, and it turns out my feelings are pork rinds, whoopie pies, mac and cheese... Yeah, I'm going full-on Cathy cartoon.
- Heather Davis: Can you not do that? Because we share a wall and I don't want to hear you barf-crying later.
- Rebecca Bunch: I have an I.Q. of 164. On the entire S.A.T., I got two questions wrong and in subsequent years those questions were strickened for being misleading. But I know *nothing* about life! Yeah, no. Truly, nothing! Like, I make AWFUL decisions! Like really, you know, really, really awful decisions.
- Rebecca Bunch: Did you ever have one of those days where you've done something so horrible it feels like you did it in a dream, and you just wanna wake up and you want it to all be okay, but there's no waking up because you did it for realsies?
- [Paula and Rebecca are skateboarding]
- Paula Proctor: You know, that YouTube tutorial video we saw, TonyHawkFan49 said if you wanna stop, you lean back on your tail.
- Rebecca Bunch: Yeah, that's only useful advice if you're riding a dog.
- Paula Proctor: That's true.
- [Paula and Rebecca look at Valencia's Instagram photos]
- Paula Proctor: Oh good god! Boobs, abs, the hair - even her wrists are pretty.
- Rebecca Bunch: You know, she never even had an awkward phase. And believe me, I've checked all of her Facebook albums - there are 180 of them!
- Naomi Bunch: Audra Levine just got married - and to a hedge fund manager!
- Rebecca Bunch: Good for Audra Levine.
- Naomi Bunch: Also, she got the promotion you didn't take - remember, the one you were too good for? So now basically she has the life you could have had, almost had, but ruined with all your ridiculous choices!
- Rebecca Bunch: Okay. So nice talking to you, Mom. I'm hanging up now, but thanks for the salt in the wound!
- Rebecca Bunch: I'm gonna go put on a thong. Or maybe I won't wear any underwear, and that way he'll just smell my pheromones. Like a lion! Right?
- Heather Davis: Yeah, I would do a thong.