- Random Guy: Have you seen the face of the devil?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Oof, Every morning in the mirror, pal.
- [first lines, the text that appears on screen]
- On Screen Text: In the beginning... The angel Lucifer was cast out of Heaven and condemned to rule Hell for all eternity. Until he decided to take a vacation... Los Angeles... Los Angeles 2016... Los Angeles 2016 A.D.
- Lucifer Morningstar: [as Chloe wakes up in the hospital] Well, look who's back.
- Chloe Decker: How long have I been out?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Three years.
- Chloe Decker: What?
- [he snickers]
- Chloe Decker: You're such an ass.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Thank you.
- Trixie: What's your name?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Lucifer.
- Trixie: Like the Devil?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Exactly.
- Trixie: My name's Beatrice, but everybody calls me Trixie.
- Lucifer Morningstar: That's a hooker's name.
- Trixie: What's a hooker?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Ask your mother.
- 2Vile: You have a problem with black people?
- Lucifer Morningstar: No, not in the slightest. I just hate your music.
- [laughs]
- Lucifer Morningstar: And when I say "your music," I mean your music. Not the music made by other black people. Without the blues, there'd be no devil's music whatsoever.
- Chloe Decker: [lying in hospital bed] Thank you.
- Lucifer Morningstar: You're welcome. And, besides, you know, you're far too interesting to let die.
- Chloe Decker: You saved my life because I'm interesting?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Wildly irritating as well, but yes.
- Lucifer Morningstar: So... why are you in trouble?
- Trixie: [pointing to another student] See that girl over there? She was bullying me. She created a fake Snapchat account and used it to make fun of me. So... I kicked her in the no-no-touch-touch square.
- Lucifer Morningstar: [seeing he's confused, she indicates the genital region] Oh! Oh, I see. Well played. Well played, indeed.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Here's the deal. We can have as much naked cuddle time as you desire, but... you're gonna have to listen to me, too. There's a few things that I'd like to discuss with you. You know, just a... an existential dilemma or two. Deal?
- Linda Martin: Yes.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Lovely.
- Chloe Decker: So, what now?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Well, I mean, I've obviously proven myself to be an invaluable crime-fighting tool. You're a pariah in the department. I think this could be the start of a beautiful friendship. Don't you?
- Chloe Decker: Who the hell are you?
- Lucifer Morningstar: I told you, I'm...
- Trixie: [running in and hugging him] Lucifer!
- Lucifer Morningstar: [obviously uncomfortable] Uh, yes. Hello, child. Um, just...
- [picking her up and putting her on the bed]
- Lucifer Morningstar: Why don't you save some of this unpleasantness for your mother, yeah?
- Traffic Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Well, obviously, you felt the need to exercise your limited powers and punish me for ignoring the speed limit. It's okay. I understand. I-I like to punish people, too. Or at least I used to.
- Dan Espinoza: I don't know whether to laugh or to shoot you.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Surprise me.
- Trixie: Isn't he funny, Daddy?
- Chloe Decker: We got to make a pit stop.
- Lucifer Morningstar: What? No, absolutely not.
- Chloe Decker: My kid got into a fight. I got to pick her up.
- Lucifer Morningstar: What, can't she get herself home?
- Chloe Decker: She's seven.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Look, I'm not here to help you run errands. I'm here to help you solve a homicide.
- Chloe Decker: Really?
- Delilah: Did I... sell my soul to the Devil?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Well, that would imply the Devil's actually interested in your soul.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Look. You didn't sell your soul, Delilah. You do owe me a favor.
- Delilah: I'm scared.
- Lucifer Morningstar: You should be. Because what I'm about to ask you is gonna be quite difficult for you. Pull yourself together. That's it, that's all I'm asking. 'Cause you're wasting your talent, your life.
- Chloe Decker: Thank you very much, Dr. Martin. We'll be in touch. All right, we gotta go.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Yes, of course, but I... I made a deal, so I'm gonna have to hold up my end of the bargain. You wouldn't mind waiting outside?
- Chloe Decker: [sotto] Are you seriously talking about having sex with her right now?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Well, it won't take long.
- Linda Martin: I do yoga. Hot... yoga. I'm freakishly flexible. Want to see?
- [demonstrating]
- Linda Martin: Wow! I really tried to keep that one in.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Well, you tried; that's what matters.
- [Chloe gets up to leave]
- Lucifer Morningstar: Uh, look, I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to take a rain check. I will be back, okay?
- Linda Martin: I certainly hope so.
- Lucifer Morningstar: My word is my bond.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Right. Attractive female cop struggling to be taken seriously in a man's man's world - that it?
- Chloe Decker: Yeah, something like that.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Well, they're threatened. You're clearly smart and have notable instincts. Ignore them. Trust yourself.
- Amenadiel: Oh, Luci. My hatred for you grows stronger with every visit.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Well, I wouldn't have it any other way, pal. I look forward to eating your heart one day.
- Chloe Decker: He was firing at you. Why aren't you... more dead?
- Lucifer Morningstar: You're having a very hard time with the immortal thing, aren't you?
- Chloe Decker: Dr. Martin, we know that, um, Delilah was having a clandestine affair with a wealthy, married man, so if you just tell us his name, we will be on our way.
- Linda Martin: I'm sorry, I can't do that.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Oh, she's one of the complex ones. Linda, darling, why don't you tell me? Hmm?
- Linda Martin: Well, I can't. I want to, but I can't.
- [laughing]
- Linda Martin: Oh, you're the devil.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Correct. Now, come on, Dr. Martin. I know you want to.
- Linda Martin: Oh, man, and it's really, really juicy, too.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Ooh, I bet it is.
- Linda Martin: No, I can't.
- Chloe Decker: What did you do to her? Did you roofie her?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Oh, no, it's not her fault. She's just reacting to me. Just watch and learn, okay? Right, the answer is yes, we can take a trip to pound town if we must, but first, you're gonna have to tell us, Linda, okay?
- Linda Martin: [wating to hold back] Um... okay! It's Grey Cooper.
- Chloe Decker: Grey Cooper? Seriously? That is juicy.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Grey Cooper, the actor? The one who's married to Amanda what's-her-chops?
- Chloe Decker: Yeah, yeah.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Oh, no, he's horrible. So square-jawed, so handsome, so vanilla. Oh, I'm really quite disappointed in Delilah. That's truly terrible taste in the opposite sex.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Was your offspring planned or a mistake?
- Chloe Decker: Planned, sort of.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Really? 'Cause I've never understood the human desire to procreate.
- Chloe Decker: That's probably a good thing.
- Lucifer Morningstar: I mean, children are hideous little creatures, terrible, taxing burdens.
- Chloe Decker: Hmm.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Mm. Oh, um, yours is fine. I mean, you know, nothing to crow about, but nothing to be too embarrassed about, either, so that's quite good, isn't it?
- Chloe Decker: Are you at all aware of how dickish you sound?
- Lucifer Morningstar: No. Speaking of dicks... why was that ex-husband of yours pressuring you to close the case?
- Chloe Decker: No reason.
- Lucifer Morningstar: [trying to use his powers on her] Strange.
- Chloe Decker: Yes, you are.
- Chloe Decker: We have some questions about Delilah.
- Amanda Bello: Oh. Oh. Yes, it's so sad.
- Grey Cooper: Yeah. Very sad.
- Chloe Decker: [recognizing his watch] Your watch, where'd you get that?
- Grey Cooper: Oh, it's a prop.
- Amanda Bello: No, that's the one Delilah gave you, isn't it? For "Time Will Tell"?
- Grey Cooper: Right. That's the movie that we did. It was a wrap gift.
- Chloe Decker: Yeah. She buy a $10,000 watch for the whole crew?
- Grey Cooper: Uh, no. Just me, as far as I know. 'Cause we were, you know, co-stars and everything.
- Lucifer Morningstar: You know, you're gonna have to get much better at lying if you want to be president.
- Grey Cooper: I know, right?
- Lucifer Morningstar: So you were sleeping with her, then, yeah?
- Grey Cooper: Oh, yeah.
- [he and Lucifer share a laugh, then he suddenly stops]
- Grey Cooper: Crap. I just said that in front of people.
- Amanda Bello: Whatever. It's not like I didn't know. God, you are a terrible liar. And actor, by the way.
- Grey Cooper: You knew?
- Amanda Bello: Of course. Why else do you think I've been sleeping with Bobby?
- Grey Cooper: Are you serious?
- Amanda Bello: Oh, yeah. And it is good. Mmm. I climb that man like a tree. Right, Bobby?
- Grey Cooper: My bodyguard? What a cliché.
- Amanda Bello: Oh, I'm a cliché? Well, you're a dick.
- Chloe Decker: Oh, boy.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Hello, mean girl. Did you know there's a special section of Hell reserved for bullies? So, have fun.
- [she screams as he shows her demonic eyes under his human ones]
- Chloe Decker: [coming out of the principal's office] What did you do?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Oh... I just think someone's feeling a little guilty.
- Lucifer Morningstar: [Chloe shoots the killer to save his life] Why did you do that?
- Chloe Decker: He was gonna kill you.
- Lucifer Morningstar: No, no, no, no, no, no. You just... you just let him off too easy. He needs to pay! He needs to suffer! He needs to feel the pain, not escape it!
- Chloe Decker: Don't worry. I'm sure where he's going, the pain's coming.
- Lucifer Morningstar: No. No, it's not, actually. And you know why? Because *I'm here* and he...
- [gunshots ring out and she falls to the ground]
- Lucifer Morningstar: Hello, Jimmy.
- Jimmy Barnes: Really?
- Lucifer Morningstar: How's the album sales doing?
- Jimmy Barnes: What album?
- Chloe Decker: Soundtrack to "Time Will Tell," which you produced. Whitney Houston hit the top ten for album sales after her death. Michael Jackson hit the stratosphere. Not sure you'll achieve such heights having Delilah killed, but that sure is a boatload of royalty checks headed your way. Guess you really needed the cash, huh? Which is why you had to pay the shooter with your watch.
- Lucifer Morningstar: The watch Delilah gave you. Now, that's just sick. But then you are, so...
- Chloe Decker: [drawing her gun as he grabs a hostage] Hey, Jimmy?
- Jimmy Barnes: I made her, and she ruined me. She humiliated me. She owes me.
- Lucifer Morningstar: You're not God, Jimmy. You didn't make her. But you did destroy her. So I'm gonna punish you.
- Jimmy Barnes: You back off, you freak. I mean it. I am not going to jail for that bitch. No chance.
- Chloe Decker: Listen to him, Lucifer. Back off.
- Lucifer Morningstar: I told you, it's fine. I'm immortal.
- Lucifer Morningstar: What do you want from me?
- Amenadiel: I've been watching you, Lucifer.
- Lucifer Morningstar: You perv.
- Amenadiel: And I'm not sure I like what I see. You're showing restraint, mercy.
- Lucifer Morningstar: You're scared I'm turning my back on the dark side, bro?
- Amenadiel: Lucifer, there is a balance here that we must maintain. I strongly suggest you do what I told you to do and go back to Hell.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Don't threaten me, Amenadiel. I mean, you don't want to start a war.
- Amenadiel: I would love a war.
- Chloe Decker: So, Grey and Amanda have zero connection to the shooter. But the shooter had the same watch as Grey. That can't be a coincidence. Maybe Delilah gave him one, too, like kind of a go-to gift. I...
- Lucifer Morningstar: Well, that would imply she was actually sleeping with that maggot.
- Chloe Decker: Really? Jimmy, 2Vile, Grey Cooper. That's three other maggots she's sleeping with. I don't think there's a lot of discretion going on with her.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Yeah. I suppose you got a point.
- Chloe Decker: God, what am I doing here?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Wrong deity, but, yes, that is the eternal question.
- Chloe Decker: No. I mean here, in a bar, with you.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Well, I don't know. You tell me, Detective. I mean, despite your proclaimed revulsion, you can't deny that there's a connection between us. Tell me, what do you actually want?
- Chloe Decker: You mean what do I desire more than anything else in this life?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Yes.
- Chloe Decker: Mm-hmm.
- Lucifer Morningstar: No tricks. Not that they work on you, you freak. Seriously. I'm... I'm curious.
- Chloe Decker: I don't know. What... what I told you's true. I-I really do want to help people. My father was a cop. He was a great cop. My mother was an actress. Really cheesy one. I tried the acting thing. I took off my top. Wasn't really contributing to the betterment of society.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Oh, disagree. I love that movie.
- Chloe Decker: So I quit. Decided to become a cop like my dad and, uh, dealt with the whole "Hot Tub High School" thing, until, um, I became a detective and found a whole new way to ostracize myself.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Ah, the... reason your ex-maggot was pressuring you to close this?
- Chloe Decker: Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. There was a case, a shooting on Palmetto Street where a cop was shot, and I saw it differently than pretty much everyone in my department, including my ex. And I stuck my neck out, and it backfired.
- Mazikeen: Too bad your little protege isn't around to collect the check.
- Chloe Decker: [watching a news report that Delilah's record sales have soared, something in her mind clicks] Oh, wow.
- Lucifer Morningstar: What?
- Chloe Decker: Delilah didn't give that watch to the drug dealer.
- Amenadiel: All of those demons, all of those tormented and tortured souls, where do you think they go?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Don't know, don't care. Not my problem, brother.
- Chloe Decker: Delilah was shot to death by a drug dealer. And looks like Delilah herself kept the guy pretty busy. You know, it's sad, it's ugly, but it's not rocket science. Something probably went south between them. She gets riddled with bullets, and a nice little act of God takes him out.
- Lucifer Morningstar: You know, it doesn't work like that, Detective,
- Jimmy Barnes: Please don't kill me.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Oh, Jimmy. You're gonna wish that's all I did to you.
- Lucifer Morningstar: I sense your disapproval, Maze. What is it?
- Mazikeen: I just can't understand why you would save a human life.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Well, there's... something different about her that I don't quite understand, and it vexes me.
- Mazikeen: Maybe it's not her that's different.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Is there where I'm supposed to ask, "Whatever do you mean?"
- Lucifer Morningstar: People like to tell me things, those deep, dark, naughty little desires that are on their mind.
- Lucifer Morningstar: People sometimes kill people with whom they're in love. The heart's mysterious.